Working madly all day and night editing the diaries, now up to 450 pages. The ones from the last two years that we took down. Ready to go up this week. Writing a few new songs. Mostly open D. It’s New Years Eve day and the new years calls and emails are coming in. I am so thankful for my friends. I used to get so weirded out by the friends thing. As we get older we start realizing how precious it is to have friends. If you end up with a handful of friends you can call your brothers or sisters in your lifetime you are very lucky indeed. Talked with Madelynne a long time tonight about this. and about her new baby she is expecting any day now. About how precious our lives are. we went over a few of the people we know who have died already. Car accidents and things like that. life really is so precious. And our connections to people are so special. As I was typing this she called me back to say ‘hey pups just to let you know its been really great spending another year with you.’ I told her hey Maddie I'm typing the same thing right now! we are both so lucky to have each other in our lives. How sweet. So while I was sitting here waiting for the new years activities to begin, I just started hitting new mail messages in Outlook and typed quick happy new years messages to all my friends. Just to let them know I care about them and was thinking about them. it was so much fun. Every time a person popped in my mind I would type a quick message to them. Fun. Man if I ever had to make a choice, and I don't believe that we do, I would choose friends and family over anything else. I feel so blessed today reflecting on this.  

Also trying to stomach the Blue Mask. Been working on it now for a month or two after putting it down for some years. But who is he and why is he? He is a madman. He is a murderer. He is a prophet. He is a hero of sorts... but how? Still hard to understand and even harder to handle working on him for more than an hour... he is intense. He is voracious. He has no regret.  

Current Read: more of the same. Still studying the Islam faith and its history.  Had no idea that it was a spin off from Judaism/Christianity. Also reading little bits from the Tao Te ching as every year during this time. I think that it is the most holy of all books man has written so far. The most true and noble of all of our word collections. Most people just don't know it yet. Most people that live here on earth at this time still need God defined for them. They need all those rules and laws and pillars and sacraments and definitions and legends and myths that make up the major religions of today’s humanity. The Tao te ching offers very little of that. it defines God as we really know IT to be thus far, which is to say that we don't really know IT very well at all; but in our hearts we can feel IT---we get glimpses of IT. it is a bold testament to where we are and what we know. That is what makes it such an elusive and mysterious text to many, but at the same time, very sacred and holy and truthful to others. It is pure light without filters or mirrors. 

Current Spin: Zach Zischin new CD. Real as the memory. Lots of good songs on here. Power pop. Catchy as all hell. He is mixing the new Transcendence album. so hopefully some of that power pop polish will rub off on what we laid down. 

PS---had my final session of the year with my coach Gary. We always do this on the last day of the year. very special. We went over my list of goals/outcomes for the year of 2003 together. We both had copies. He is an Anthony Robbins coach so we use the Robbins RPM software to track goals. I had created 15 major goals last year on the 31^st of December 2002. what we noticed was that 2003 was a pretty crazy year. A lot of change and growth. More mental and emotional than purely physical things accomplished. We tracked the results pretty objectively. Noticed that I had achieved about half of the goals and outcomes I had listed one year prior. Seven out of 15. not bad. Mostly the ones that were more like I said mental or emotional, growth type goals, like the one about coming from my true heart, rather than doing what you think you're supposed to be doing, Also the one about not holding back power, rather than thinking or second guessing—just going for it all the time—being in the full on flow of your power. Both of those accomplished to the point where I couldn’t even relate to needing to have them written down now as goals anymore. Quit smoking. went to Italy to learn Italian and research my family. Made a lot more money. finished TTV. Finished and finally released the sleep with you album fifteen days before the year was over so that was cool. Figured out how to and completed the Diaries project. Etc. but other ones we just didn't even come close to. Def did not do any major tours which I really wanted to do. went on a few mini tours and they really just sucked. So that is something we really have to focus on. A few film and TV licensing deals. Things like that. So it was a chance at celebrating the accomplishments I did achieve and then recommitting and planning on how to achieve the ones I didn't yet reach. And then the fun part is to come up with all the new ones for the coming year. you transfer any of the old ones you still want and then add a bunch of new ones. I really like coaching. I think it’s a great way to stay focused. Having that outside source who is just there for you objectively to tell you like it is and help you achieve your dreams. most good coaches have coaches of their own too, to help them achieve their own goals. That's cool.   

Just spent three days snowboarding in Big Bear Mountain in Ca. way cool. By the third day I was just flying all over that mountain. Can barely move and can’t sleep from being in so much pain from a few fatal falls. I landed a few times on that cracked rib from last year and find it hard to inhale without horrible pain. I think I may have broken it again. my entire body is in the worst pain you can imagine. but it’s a good pain. I cannot even roll over in bed without ‘aaaaagggghhhh!’ The Beav took so many falls ---- it was his first time boarding. I couldn’t believe every time he would stand up again. I was so impressed by his willingness to learn and go on. I would scream “love the pain bro! Love the pain!” and then he would stand up again. I was so impressed because I know how much pain he was in. Just got a call from Brown Bear who has been in park city, Utah skiing. Evidently he ran right into a tree and broke three of his ribs. Definitely not risk free sports. But worth it I think. Some good powder on the mountain. Freezing as all hell. Like 9 degrees. Went with the artisan and with beaver. We all shared a room. Which was very interesting. Me and the artisan had an amazing time as always. We flew everywhere as a doctor and a dentist. Had it on all of our airline tickets and rental car. This lady at the airline looks at my ticket and says, “you're a doctor?” and I'm like, hair hanging in my eyes, combat boots, and earrings all over the place, “Uh yeah. Don't I look like a doctor?” “I guess...” she says. Classic. We just laughed and laughed the whole three days. Had a great chance to do some bro-bonding with the Beav. He is such an amazing person now. truly my hero. He is very selective about who he hangs out with because he is so busy. So he pretty much just has time for his wife and his two little girls. And of course for mom and me. he should go into politics, we tell him. Such an honest and honorable man. 

Brainstormed non-stop with artisan about taking band’s concerts to a new level, like getting a headset mic and really letting loose and talking a lot more on stage. Like let me out of the closet and stop being so much the rock star which is pretty played out anyway, and just start totally being me, like the real life me. and then also of course taking that to include doing like a whole a talk show thing. this was her idea, which is so funny, since me and G2 have already been talking about it for the last few months. Me just interviewing people. trying to connect the dots. Me as the rock star is so serious, and only about one third or one tenth of the real me. fun but boring. ‘oh Fishy,’ she says in that high pitched little JAP voice of hers, ‘I know you want to be taken seriously, but you're so much more fun than just that singer guy you act like on stage. You should have your own little TV show.’ so the idea being just to let it rip. First interview I will do will be: God. Of course he is invisible. And only i can see him. or hear him. ‘God thank you so much for joining us today.’ I will ask him a bunch of questions for everyone. People can email them in. ‘what's that God? You have a message for Julia Roberts? Right here right now? on my show? Oh how exciting? what's that? she needs to marry me? are you sure? Isn't she married to someone else already? What? Oh yeah, of course. You're God. O.k. right. how dare I doubt you for a second. so Julia, if you’re listening... what's that God? another message? This one is for salma Hayek? O.k. cool. what is it? she needs to be with me too? She needs to share me with Julia? Wow! There is a God after all....  

And now from the mailbag: 

Dear Fishy (or whoever reads these mail can you forward to him please),

Unfortunately we consumed one year. When I look back, many events, effect to my life, happened in this year. I do not want to remember some of them but even there are some events that whenever I remember, I can not stop smiling. I have to say that one of them is the meeting of you. I hope you are sharing same feelings with me (aren't you????).I hope I did not make you uneasy because of my wordings in my last mail. I only want to share my feelings and ideas with you. I have no any aim to give a lesson about how you have to behave in order to make your life more meaningful. Really You must know that I like you being so humanistic type. Yes you are artist but this not important for me because there are so many artists in the world who are useless, only live for yourself and for the advertisement. However you are different from these persons who say they are artist. In my head you are good person and you are doing good social activities that help the world. I learn from your web-site. (also I received a mail about the G. Bush resume few weeks ago from your band. it is good work you are doing) Please do not ever give this up like so many people do!

So Happy, Lucky, Healthful years with your family and friends... 

Liutin

Istanbul, Turkey

Slept next to the artisan for three nights. But we didn't fool around at all since now we are ‘just friends.’ Fun. And challenging. But easy. I can’t believe its over now and we did it. how cool. A three day ski vacation together as just friends. And it was no problem. o.k. well besides the fact that I was pretty much hard for three days straight. But that was the fun part. The artisan reminded me that “fishy, sexual tension can be a good thing babe.” Easier for her to say of course. My mind was racing at the thought of her pale white skin and more... so half the time I couldn’t even sleep. But I love her as a friend and she had just met this really great guy that she thought ‘just might be the one.’ So I resisted it, better put, I discredited the desire. Really respecting those boundaries and not going beyond them at all. and we had the time to just sit and talk all about sex and stuff, like girl talk. We took the time to test our friendship so to speak. To let loose with it and see if there was really friendship there. 

We got to share with one another a lot of girl and guy secrets that you don't normally share with someone you are seeing, but only with a “girl friend.” I asked her, as a girl, which phrase she prefers the most from a guy, ‘beat off, jerk off, do yourself, play with yourself, masturbate, etc...’  definitely not ‘beat your meat’ she says. ‘that's just gross!’ HAHA. ‘masturbate or do yourself are perfectly fine if you must talk about those things’ the desert princess says. And then I answered questions for her from a guy’s perspective (“why do you guys have to ‘do yourselves’ so much?! I mean everyday?!!!” “Well I don't know really. If its there, do it....). very funny. It was cool.  I told her just think of me now as one of your girlfriends. And don't hold back. We can share make up and stuff. tonight I helped her pick out her outfit her for a hot date tonight with a new boy. She told me that I am the poster-child for something that is now becoming mainstream called “a metro-sexual.” Basically the gay straight guy that I have always been is now becoming fashionable. Go figure. [go back in time and tell that to all the jocks in high school who used to always want to kick my ass for wearing eye makeup, LOL]

Current Spin: lots of Christmas CDs by Frank and Bing, Nat king Cole, Mariah Carey, Motown Christmas. And this new one from Sondra lerche or something. sounds like Ed Hale meets Donovan meets Beck. Hehe. 

Current read: a brief history of nearly everything by Bill Bryson. Great read! 

[the artisan is one of those people who preheats the oven before she puts the food in it. “are you one of those pre-heaters?! I ask. Told me that I must explore these types of people more in an episode on my TV show, perhaps conduct some interviews to explore this personality type. I have also discovered from my research that she makes her bed every morning when she wakes up. She calls soda, “pop”, not soda. She has never peed in the shower or bath, which I find truly disturbing. She never yanks cords out of the socket but instead bends over and pulls them out. so she's not a cord puller. And I would bet that she's one of those people that when she gets into an elevator with other people she hits the button for the floor she wants to go to even if it is already pushed in by someone else. just to make sure.]

The hardest part about coming home every year for the holidays is watching the slow aging of your parents. All of a sudden mom becomes so important. All of a sudden you realize that your mom just might be the most important treasure in your life. the most precious and valuable treasure you may ever have. When does this happen? I am trying desperately hard to not let go of that youthful attitude where we just totally take our parents for granted and we just act like we don't care. But its hard now. one minute we are just these kids or teenagers who don't care and in the next we find that we are becoming parents to our own parents. I hate that. 

All of a sudden now the sight of my mom when I see her for the first time each year and notice that she has aged a bit more, it just crushes my soul. Breaks my heart in pieces and makes me dread the day she gets old, like really old, or passes on. Then what? My God the fucking horror of that. My heart suffers for anyone who has lost their mother already. Mom lost her own mother about five years ago and still cries when she speaks of it. maybe that's just something that you never quite get over. 

I am reading people magazine. I know what you're thinking. Temporary insanity perhaps. But seriously. its really quite fun and sinfully enjoyable. Like eating potato chips or fast food or something, or sneaking away to smoke a cigarette. The thing that strikes me while reading people is how it is absolutely positively every bit as mainstream, inane, and irrelevant as you guess it would be, and yet at the same time it isn't. Granted, I'm reading the year-end recap issue, so maybe it offers a bit more meaning than most of the weeklies. This thing with queer eye for the straight guy is great. The idea that a few years ago, there was that whole Matthew Shepard horror and the whole don't ask don't tell shit in the American military, and now gay guys are on prime time TV giving straight guys make-overs. And of course Ellen has her own talk show and its rated number one. just a few short years ago, it was considered so taboo when she “came out” as being gay. Watching humanity evolve. This is a huge thing for us. And you also get to see all the hot actresses dressed up in people, which is nice too. and that guy surfer chick who lost her arm and is still out there going for #1. and that rock climber who cut his own arm off because he was trapped under a boulder for five days in Utah. How inspiring. I'm hooked on People.   

[when I was a kid I used to love US and People magazine. When I got to my teens I reached this point where I wouldn’t be caught dead reading it. I mean, I would rather have been caught dead than even thinking about reading one of those magazines. Because after all, when you are a teenager... you know the drill. Switched over to soaking up all the philosophy I could for years, and then of course literature, making the rounds, then the sciences, and then the religions, its like we go on this search... for God... for meaning... for something deeper than Bennifer and Britney etc... [no seriously, bennifer and Britney truly have been around that long. for decades now, just their names change. I tried to think of examples from the eighties or nineties but I couldn’t. that's the thing... they just kind of disappear, get sucked up by the new Bennifers and the new Britneys... but I digress.] So scooting through your twenties and you're all about the sciences and the real world stuff, how electricity works and how to make money and save money and start empires and take over empires and all of that stuff. after a while you kind of give up on the whole religion thing because it becomes rather frustrating. you start to realize that God isn't actually in any of the religions, kind of still hiding in the Tao te ching really, but none of the religions want people to know that, so they keep it a secret. That's why they all align themselves with governments and armies and all that. because they realize, unlike most human civilizations yet, that religion isn't about God as much as about who has the most money and who has the most guns and might and influence. This could help explain why God is still hiding in the Tao te ching and so few people know it. the Taoists and the Buddhists don't have any guns. They never really bothered to attack and kill a lot of people or take over any countries so they never had a chance at making their religion one of the major ones. Unlike the big three. but the point is after a while you just kind of give up on all that stuff. you accept that its all kind of fucked up and wonky and maybe just best to leave it all alone. let other people swing with if they want to. as long as they aren't trying to ram it down your throat... so all of a sudden you pick up a People magazine again...]

Current read: The world of Islam. (LOL) Studying the Muslim religion now. Learning a lot. What a mess this whole thing is. 

Today me and Beav spent all day helping mom move all this stuff she had stored in this warehouse she was paying for for the last ten years. Just a bunch of old stuff from various homes that she never found time to go through. We emptied the whole thing and helped her sort it all out. the whole warehouse now empty. it was great relief for her. In this one moment we were driving and I looked over at the Beav and asked, ‘dude, you know that the greatest feeling in the world is?’ ‘What dude?’ ‘Waking up one day and realizing that you accept yourself for who you are. That you're just happy to be yourself.’ ‘You can say that again man.’

More love letters from an angry anti-fan:
-----Original Message-----
From: Naughty Tom [mailto: xxxxxxx@xxxxxx.com]
Sent: Saturday, December 26, 2003 5:00 PM
To: Transcendence Television
Subject: Re: George W. Bush's Resume

Gosh, your clever resume really convinced me. I'll stop voting for Republicans and start voting for the socialist Democrats so they can tax away everything I earn and leave the country defenseless.

Yes, I'm going to vote for Dick "VOTE FOR ME BECAUSE I'LL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT AND MAKE OTHER PEOPLE PAY FOR IT" Gephardt, or maybe Howard "I WOULDN'T MIND IF SADAAM HUSSEIN WAS STILL IN POWER TORTURING WOMEN AND CHILDREN" Dean.

Fuck off you morons. And take me off your mailing list. I hate your band now.

Dear Naughty Tom,
You are funny. Consider yourself off the list. And hey for your own sake (or at least your family’s) lighten up a bit.
PS—the staff here at TTV is not all democrat. You are so funny, perhaps just naive, a bit short sighted to think that just because PEOPLE don't like Bush that they are democrats. Don't you see that you're just being scammed by the whole bi-partisan two party system? You think because Transcendence Television mailed this out that we are democrats? Seriously. Because we’re not. We’re a rock band. We are too rebellious and anarchistic to be a part of any party. We’re just concerned citizens. Which you should be too. It has nothing to do with democrats or republicans. It has to do with basic integrity and honesty and the dishonest drunk driving draft dodging druggie sell out war mongering imperialist creep that is pretending to be our president. Keep on voting republican if you want to. And keep on cursing and getting angry over nothing at people that have an opinion different than your own. And we’ll keep telling it like it is.
Sincerely,
U know who

In other news:
Played the rough tracks from nothing is cohesive to Beav. Beav is like, ‘dude give me something I can work with here. This album doesn’t rock like sleep with you. Where are all the guitars bro? What are you guys thinking? It sounds like piano music from the seventies. Or dance music from the late eighties. What's up with you guys? You're going to follow up sleep with you with this? oh man don't do it!’ later, flipping through spin magazine’s year end issue. Looking at all the scraggly-haired jangly-guitar 3-minute indie-rock-song bands that are all the critic’s rage this year thinking oh my God we’re going to release an album that sounds like piano music from the seventies? But we can’t help it. We love the album so much. Are we destined to be lambasted in the press and broke our whole life?! But then I got up and flushed and thought, you know what? Do what you love and love what you do. Let the critics go fuck themselves and if you have to, go on food stamps. But just keep doing what you love.

Last screening: Circle by Eddie Izzard. His newest DVD release. What happened to Eddie on this one? Was he just high on crack perhaps???

It's Christmas. I just woke up. The house is filled with the joy of the day. the girls have opened half of their presents. Beav and T are in the kitchen making breakfast. Mom is playing with the girls and the Christmas day parade at Disney is on the television. I'm going around taking pictures of everyone. They said, Fishy now that we had to come home here to your moms, (after having moved to Kansas this year and not living close to mom anymore) we understand why you are so excited every year to come here. Everyone is so happy to be together. Our hearts are filled with joy.  

[There was a moment this morning sitting on the floor by the Christmas tree opening our presents. We had the CD player on shuffle spinning various Christmas cds and a song came on from Elvis. T makes this comment, oh awesome, Elvis. Someone says oh honey does it remind you of your father? [T’s father is a boat captain and in his spare time is an Elvis impersonator. I'm not making this up. its true. and like mine and Beav’s father has just never been around.] And she says, this is probably the closest I'm going to get to talking to my father today. Everyone stopped for a moment. Just silence. Then I said, ‘you know what T? We probably won't talk to our father either. Those guys can just fuck off.’ And we went about our glorious morning. As much as it may hurt or make you angry as a person whose father never cared about you, and its certainly fun and somehow sinfully rewarding to take a jab at them whenever you can, underneath it all I have an understanding of it too. I mean a deeper understanding of what it must be like for the men whose wives just happened to get pregnant and all of a sudden at a very young and immature age found themselves fathers, even if perhaps they hadn't planned on it or didn't even feel ready for the experience. Back then it wasn't like it is today where people plan that kind of thing out more. people are waiting a lot longer to have children now. back then they were pushing them out by their early twenties as was the case with our parents. Me, I have purposely tried to avoid having children, trying to put if off as long as I can, because of this fear of not wanting to be the kind of run away dad that my own father was. I know how it affected me and Beav. And I wouldn’t want to do that to anyone. So I just keep trying to avoid it. chances are Beav and I will force ourselves to call the old man sometime today and wish him a Merry Christmas and shoot the breeze a little. But that's a strange thing, your relationship with a father who you never really got to know growing up. you just can’t force that relationship. The connection is just not there. you start to realize that your family may not be your blood all the time. when it is it’s a great thing. but its not always that way for everyone. T and her sister were raised by their grandparents, and so that's who their real parental figures are. And that's o.k. with them. And for me and Beav it was our grandparents and our mom. Mom was our father and our mother. And the older I get the more I start to realize that me and Beav are extra lucky for that. for having a mom who was so awesome that she could be both like that for us. this year has really been amazing for me. last year I probably spent a few thousand dollars on Christmas presents for everyone in my world. That's where I was at financially and had been for a long time. This year I didn't have squat for cash so I barely gave presents to anyone. Just mom. And as much as it sucks being financially strapped like that, it has had a really profound effect on me. it kind of forces you into really appreciating the simple things about the holidays. Like just being able to afford to fly out here and be with your family. If I ever do have the blessing of having children I hope I can be as good of a parent as my own mom was.]  

The artisan came over this afternoon. Spent some time hanging with the fam and then the two of us snuck off to hang out and catch up at a nearby coffee shop. we were both so excited the last two months to see each other and spend time together this Christmas, as we had last year. but just a little over a week ago, the artisan met someone. Like really met someone. A someone she thinks she may really like and be with. She told me yesterday afternoon at about 5. when we got off the phone I was in such shock that I just fell asleep right where I was laying on the living room floor. I think my body or mind just needed to sleep it off, because I was so looking forward to being with her. I was kind of in shock a little. I hadn't even really taken any of the girls I was seeing in the last few weeks very seriously because I just didn't have the free attention. So much of it was on the artisan and how much fun we would have. 

So today she came over. She went on a date with the guy we will call bachelor number two last night. when we saw each other it was very nice. and sweet. And tender. We got into the car and she asked me immediately, so how do you feel? About what? I feel good. about the situation silly. about us. how do you feel? well, I feel very happy for you, like one of your best girlfriends. and I feel very sad like my heart has been crushed. But its o.k. I'm big enough to hold both identities and not be mad or take it out on either of us.” She said, “I'm just so glad that we can be such good friends. And talk like this. and really be real and honest about it.” “well me too. I love you very much and I'm happy for you. but can I just say this. I leaned up in my seat to face her. “I was just really really longing to be with you. I was longing for you so much the last two months and I couldn’t wait to see you. so this will just take some getting used to.” a tear fell from beneath her sunglasses. “I was longing for you too. you just can’t plan things like this.” I know. you can’t. we’ll deal with it. 

it is true that I longed for her for the last two months. We have the best time when we are together. We never stop laughing. And we share very tender moments together. She is not knowledgeable about the same kind of things. we aren't going to sit and discuss renaissance art or jean luc Goddard films or politics, that's just not her. She's a desert Princess. Loves shopping and makeup and going to the spa. but she is very intelligent and enlightened, so she can understand anything and partake in the most profound conversations about consciousness and truly not only ‘get it’ but add to ‘it.’ I was looking forward to lying for hours with her naked body holding her and hugging her and talking. 

In the café we discussed this newest situation we have found ourselves suddenly faced with and laughed about it. she shared with me how hard it was for her last February at wizards when she realized after our glorious Christmas and new years together that she would have to share me with a few other girls from various countries who I was also very close to. how crushed she was. But how she got over it simply because we sat and talked about it. we talked about a potential future together and realized that it would just never work. She's an early bird, and I'm a night owl. She doesn’t want any more children and I know for sure that at least I want to have 2 or 3. not now, but someday. So right there for us that pretty much decided it for us. we just knew that as much as we liked each other it just wasn't something we should continue to explore. 

Home now with the fam. The little nieces are so cute. So fresh and innocent. Mom is baking cookies. Beaver is under the sink trying to fix moms water filter. I'm playing the guitar by the fire and singing with the little nieces. Old Cary grant movies playing on the TV.  

Sometimes my heart aches for a deep romantic love relationship and family of my own. but I see what Beav and T are dealing with now. its constant attention out. and me, I'm in a world that is constant attention in. That's funny, I get paid to spend a lot of time alone and write and sing about it. Last night I was showing everyone slide shows from my laptop of my various adventures from this last year—we had such a wonderful time---and while I'm doing that they are combination in awe of it all---“you did what at an all night sex club?! We didn't even know things like that were legal. Mom close your ears.” “Dudes, let me tell you something. everything is legal. Just depends on who you’re hanging with and how much money you have.” And then having to obsess over every move the two little nieces make every second. Don't touch that. don't put that in your mouth. Do you want your bottle? Its time for you to eat. no no no don't pull on that. and I'm like, there's just no way I'm there yet. Uncle Fishy do you want to make a parade with me now? and I'm like, oh what a great idea. And then after a minute I'm like o.k. enough. time for uncle fishy to go play his guitar honey. And they just sit there while I play and dance around. Loads of fun. Easy breezy being an uncle, but to be a father? Crazy. not yet. 

Their cute faces are so adorable when they look up at you and smile. Children are so amazing. but mes wants to go hunt animals in wild safaris in Africa and work on a kibbutz in Israel for a few months and live in a quaint little one room chateau on the French Riviera by myself smoking and writing and composing and falling down drunk in my bed every night with my clothes still on. I know, such simple goals. And of course I am dying to get out and tour the states this year too. So the kids thing is not going to happen just yet.

But it does get me a little sentimental I must admit. Seeing Beav and T so happy and such a tight little unit. It sets my heart a soaring. Somewhere out there is the perfect one. perfect for me. perfect for her. Perfect for us where we both are now. 

Current Read: Reverence for life, selected writings of Albert Schweitzer. Those to whom good things happen in their lives must feel called upon to give of their lives in order to alleviate misery of others. 

Current Spin: lots of Christmas CDs by Johnny Mathis, Barbara, carpenters, Frank and Bing, Elvis, Mariah Carey, beach boys. Good times indeed.

On plane bound for AZ to be with the fam. Tired. I am desperately looking forward to being pampered by mom, hanging with my bro, and playing with the five nieces. And dying to spend time in the snow. This year it'll be big Bear Mountain in California, which supposedly has five separate free-style trails, caters mostly to snow-boarders.

Last night I had this dream that I was able to fly up very high into the air with the aid of these large balloons that I would hold onto underneath each arm. I was running from people---who?---and then jump up. I would jump and up I'd go for miles into the air, this time It looked like perhaps I was in a mall type of a building. I would rise above everything. landing would be very scary, the coming down part, because I would fall down to the ground so quickly. I noticed that my heart beat very quickly as I would come back down, wondering what kind of an impact the landing would have on my legs and body just because I would soar so high. But each time the landing was o.k. and I managed to land on my feet and it didn't hurt so bad each time.

This is the third time this year from what I can remember that I have had this dream, the second one I can remember most vividly, and the first I only remember as i was sure in the second one that it was not the first. That I had already been there a few times before. in that second one as well as the first, there were no balloons involved that I needed to hang onto. I would just jump up and I would shoot up into the sky for miles and then come back down. I was subtly aware that it was all up to me the whole time. that I was the one who was controlling how high I went up into the air, how quickly, and how fast I shot back down. But for some reason I could not quite get control of it. I couldn’t get complete control of how high I would go. it made me feel kind of out of control, and a little frightened. I knew the higher I would go and the farther that I would go the better, but then I worried about how I would get back down. But everytime the landing was alright. I was fine. Interesting. [let yourself go man. Let go bro. Let go and fly bro. Just let it happen.]   

I have noticed that as soon as I decided and declared my desire to make France/French my next country/language to conquer I notice it showing up everywhere in my world the last few weeks. Meeting all these people who are going there to live also.... interesting how that works. 

A video producer that lives in china who I met in Florence over the summer actually is making a music video for the new sleep with you album. He is making it for the song sleep with you, which certainly has not been lack of its share of controversy since its release. 

We are in constant communication about the details. I asked him recently what it is like now in china during this season. What holiday do they celebrate if any during this time of year I asked. Here is his response:

Hi Fishy:

Well, this in china should be just normal time coz the traditional Chinese spring festival, the biggest in a year, is still one month away... but now, young people living in cities spend Xmas, and they suppose that Christmas is the most important. And coz these people are the most potential consumers, so, the related goods get everywhere in street... well, u should come and have a look...u will be shocked. 

And the spring festival, a time for reunification of the family, has a history of over 2000 years. People everywhere should come back home to celebrate it. They are supposed to come to the family where their oldest family member has survived and get together there. that the reason why the transportation is always the biggest problem this time coz there are about 300 million person/time during the 15 days... 

Well, the story is to be continued if u are interested in. let u know more next time.

And happy Xmas friend!

Q

Everything is changed. The whole mindset is changed. Cannot think of girls in that way anymore. Makes me feel weird. Like grossed out for some reason. Like I am violating something/someone, unless it is SHE. I am fascinated by this slow shift in viewpoint. Feels like preparation. Still have not called the Venezuelan girl back even though I said I would. Not sure why. don't know if it is because I think perhaps it might go somewhere or if I am just sure that it won't and therefore don't want to be bothered. Quite a quandary no? interesting to say the least. 

Currently absolutely impossible to keep up with the workload. Now I am working full time at record company—up to 12 hours per day, but still trying to write full time—stay current in the diaries, and type in a certain amount of pages per day from older journals and pieces of note papers—there are boxes of them now. And trying to still write songs and practice guitar and piano and keep up with vocal exercises. Days seem to last forever. I am exhausted. Perhaps this is why I am not calling the girl. Maybe it is just that I am exhausted. By the time I get home I don't feel like hanging, just playing guitar and writing and relaxing. Right now it is 8 pm on Saturday night. I am in the office still. I am the only one. most of the lights are off. And we have a concert to perform tonight in about an hour and a half. Crazy I know. I will rush from the office, go get changed, and speed to the venue. next year cannot be like this. Cannot wait to get home for the holidays.

Current read: the 100 most influential people in History. Great book. Never knew that Shakespeare was not actually William shakspere. Most people think it is. but actually the Earl of Oxford Edward de Vere. He used it as a pseudonym. The newest theory on the most famous of all literary figures is that he was paid a very substantial annual pension by queen Elizabeth to keep his identity a secret and not reveal who he was or anyone else he wrote about in his plays. No one ever knew who the real Shakespeare was in his time. He was not as popular then as he is now so it was never an issue. I never knew this. This book has tons of facts like that in it. Good read. 

More responses to emails from impassioned anti-fans:

***Your Dudeness. See below for response to your most recent email...

I'd like to ask you Fishy what your solution is? Your perfect candidate, who has never lied, been caught in any scandal, the one who has led the life you would approve of to be your president of the US.

****Have you read the bios of all the candidates yet? by your email you seem to be saying that everyone is a failure at business, a pathological liar, and/or convicted felon like W. but i can’t seem to find any presidents in our history who were like him in that respect. Favorite candidate? For me, at this point, John Kerry. Check out that man's resume. That is really something to set our standards for, I mean just as men, I would love one day to be the kind of man he is. very special, honest, war hero, then war protestor, district attorney, senator, committed public servant. A good guy. not caught in any scandals as you imply...

ask yourself Fishy, has there ever been a president that you couldn't put together a resume like that for if you were against him? try to be honest....

***uh yeah bro plenty of them? W is the FIRST convicted felon in the office ever. He is also only the second not to actually "get elected". Many many of them never failed as much as W and MOST of them never swindled the people of the world as much as W has so many times. his presidency is the first real obvious example of the people losing complete control of the administration or any honesty or integrity in our history. Started with LBJ, and has just continued to downward spiral since then. [some will argue that it has always been this bad, but read that resume again] again, its truly shocking. And again, it has nothing to do with partisan politics... 

do you have a favorite candidate that is so much better than our beloved Mr. bush?, 

****yea. Kerry. Or Gephardt. Or for that matter Clark, although I don't think he is that good as a potential leader in the charisma dept, but his resume is superior and exemplary to anything I have ever read. truly a remarkable person in both his integrity as a man and his achievements in his career. Something W just doesn’t have. a kind of life we would all benefit from trying to emulate. 

or are you just another guy that complains about everything this 

country is about.

****Me? Na man, you just don't me. I am a radically pro-American patriot type. I love our country bro, and perhaps that is why I am so passionate about us staying committed to the same ideals we started with when we first developed this nation.

LET ME GUESS.. HOWARD DEAN RIGHT? that's your boy...

***[insert laugh here]

*****Howard Dean? Not a chance. Unfortunately I think he is kind of a future-dictator type. You are certainly seeming very republican these days--at least in this email.... it was almost as if you didn't read my last reply to you. too bad. You're a talent and could have a positive influence on your fans and friends.

you may consider moving.

your utopian paradise is not in this world, I hate to break the news to you Fishy.

****on the contrary, I hate to break the news to you, but OUR UTOPIAN PARADISE WILL BE IN THIS WORLD. With or without the help of all the old dinosaurs hanging around complaining that we are utopians or idealists and we can never have a utopian paradise here. Just you wait and see brother, we are well on our way to it. The people are getting smarter and smarter and life is getting better and better. Let the devil have his due (W and his henchmen) but it is only a matter of time before the Innocents (the current American people who still aren't doing anything to get rid of him) catch on, and when they do, he will most likely be the most hated and disrespected president this country has even had. WE the people will create an enlightened planet here on earth Chris. And it will be a civilization without lying, without swindling, and scandal or scams, and all these other things that those weaker than us consistently try to preach is just "the norm." Its happening. Right now. under our noses. Don't listen to those around you who tell you that "lies" and "cheating" and "untruths" and "scamming" are the norm and that its alright and its "just the way it is." you give in to that, its just cynicism. We all owe it to ourselves and everyone else who will come after us to not only try to be the best people we can but to demand the same out of everyone else.    

lots of other places to go to if you don’t like it here Fishy. 

later brother..

***I do like it here. but I will like it even more when things get back to normal.

Take care,

F

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Not working enough. But trying to. Need to catch up before I leave for the holidays. For the record, this is the week where a whole row of keys on my laptop don't work. They go in and out. and it is truly hilarious trying to decipher what I type. See below. Band sounds great. Show on Saturday. Found out today that the sleep with you album is charting on a lot of different stations all over the country. In all these cites we have never even heard of. We are all so happy. 

Listening to Wayne Dyer every night as i go to sleep. I Love him. Especially this tape he has called real magic. At this point i would rather work on being happy and fulfilled and just walk around le m floating rather than being cool.  Thn perhaps that  spent too much time worried about being cool. What s cool? Being happy and fulfilled. That's cool being Neo. So I listen to these tapes every night. Process n your sleep. You wake up feeling psyched and energized and confident and ready for another day of manifesting your dreams and those of others.

PS--- found The Adventures of Fishy. For real. Fifteen years of writing that I thought was lost forever. 2 huge boxes crammed with notebooks and journals. Thank God. Finally. [Later in the story I will lose this all again. and it will be found by someone else. I have no idea by who of course. But for now it is in my possession. I will do my best to get it edited and typed in. Why I don't know. What the hell is any of this about anyway???] I did not realize how much writing there was. I had no idea, no memory of how much I wrote. It is quite insane. There are books and books and books filled with notes about every conceivable subject imaginable. It is a brilliant idea for a story. Man wakes up one day, finds boxes. Realizes he is a writer. Never realized it before. [Now what exactly is a writer? Can you just be someone who writes and be a writer? Or do you have to be published writer? Do you have to have people that like your writing? Does the writing itself have to have some sort of social or artistic significance in order for one to be called a writer? Or if a person just writes a lot does that a writer make? Hhhmmmm. I have no time for any of that though. Because I am just too fucking busy writing all the time.] I guess I just always did it and never realized what that actually meant. Bas screams why the fuck don't you take your writing seriously?! I am man. You aren't man. I am too man. I write a few hours every fucking day; you know that. Yeah but what do you do with it all? You just write and then what??? Put it in some boxes so you can lose them and find them five years later???!!!! What kind of a fucking game is that? Look at this fucking box we have found here. This could be a gold mine! We could be living like kings and sipping Crystal right now for God sakes, with hot babes under each arm! Publish this shit man! Do something with it. I tell him, Dude, I gotta sing with the baaaaaand. That's my passion. I write because I have to. I was born doing it. its like my unfortunate mission. But I sing and write songs because I want to bro. That's what I love.” “Whatever man. Lets get rich first and then you can sing with the band. You wrote and submitted one fucking screen play in a week and you won a contest and got published. So that should tell you something. Maybe you can come up with a fake name or something if you want to. so it doesn’t effect your music career or effect the band at all. you know like a pen name... he says. Hhhmmm, I think. What an interesting idea. 

Current Spin: cesare cremonini,  Bagus. I Love this album! and also, Louis Armstrong Christmas.  

Just got home from Zekes house. Working on background vocals with trophy wife and starting mixing for the new album. we achieved something very cool tonight. a CD skipping effect I have been working on for years. this album is going to have a lot more noise on it. just long passages of noise. I think I will be happier with this album than any other. I was in ecstasy in there tonight. Really loving it. slightly bored of course and just wishing all the long hours involved in making an album were over but still loving it. I will be much happier when we have the money to go around the clock always working on recording so we can get albums done a lot faster. One guy is recording us while another is making mixes while another guy is making remixes etc... 

Ferret has taken legal action against Cleopatra and I, and Cleo emailed this morning threatening to take legal action against me unless I finished mediating process, which I want to but I have just been so busy I haven't the chance to do so. I am driving home tonight, at one point I looked at the speedometer and I was doing well over 110 because my mind was just so lost in the music I had blaring, and I was so into the mixes we just did—they sound so crystal clear and phat and out there. and then I am reflecting on the last two days and both of these guys—two of my best friends in the world of my whole life seriously—both of them just totally freaking out like this. and its all over money. it’s the three of us, but I have been the only one who hasn’t freaked out. just trying to stay calm and not freak out. everyone wants their own little share of the pie but of course there is no pie right now so anyone taking any kind of legal action is ridiculous. Looking back I should have taken legal action about a year ago when I first tried to mediate with Cleopatra and she was just a total nut case. Screaming all the time, slamming doors, being so rude to everyone. I should have just been a man and laid down the law, but I loved her so much I didn't want to hurt her. But that would have prevented a lot of this insanity that we are in now. so now my job is to try to calm them both down so we can deal with the even larger issue at hand we are dealing with now, the IRS. Both of them threatening going on legal on each other and me and here we have this major beast to battle who could bring us all down. Man its like a Shakespeare play. If they don't see what's coming, how come I do?

The situation is so funny. They are freaking out over money. But there is no money to freak out over. There just isn't any money to get right now. Now me, I'm about the poorest I've been in many many years. I'm the one who is getting nothing from all of this and I'm the one who started the company and I'm the one who is going to prob get the least, one because I have spent so much of my money already making our band’s albums, and two because I just don't care enough to fight with people I love about it. But what I find really interesting is that I have continued to give away money like I always have even though I am flat broke. 35 a month to sponsor the kid in Brasil. 100 to amnesty. 100 to our local PBS station... Handing out tens and twenties to bums when I pass them on the street still. I just loaned Mara 350 today to pay some of her bills. And seriously I have no idea how I am supposed to pay my own. But she needed it and she has a child and all. You know the thing is that I am just not going to give into this bullshit lack mentality everyone is creating right now around me. If our goal is to be successful, I mean magnanimously, uproariously successful then people better start acting like it. and stop acting like they believe this reality, or pretty soon they are going to be in a reality they can’t get out of. You can only believe your shit for so long before it really does turn into your reality for real. Know what I mean?

The new song will be called ‘Last stand at the walls of Zion.’ I think. But it is one of the prettiest sweetest most beautiful sexiest songs I have ever had the privilege of working on. I am so in love with it. Don’t want to mess up the lyrics. So I'm not writing any of them. Just letting them one by one and line by line flow out of my mouth. Just play the song over and over as if I am transcribing it or translating an ancient text found deep within my subconscious. 

I don't know what exactly is happening to me. it is a metamorphosis of some kind. Always working on these few very specific primaries. Every day. little by little. Just continuing to let go of any beliefs I feel or thoughts or ideas that I don't prefer. Some really old stuff. And slowly what I feel is that “it is o.k. to be me.”  or really more like, “its amazing to be me.” that kind of sensation. It is a wonderful feeling. All of a sudden not being afraid anymore or worrying anymore or comparing anymore, but more like just really happy about who I am and where I am. It is a state of being I have always waited to experience. 

And about the girls, I see so many beautiful girls all the time, my head just darts all over the place looking at them. and I just want to talk to them all and be with them all. but like I said, I'm not in that place anymore where I have this interest in faking things, so you kind of know from looking at them or talking to them for a few minutes what's up. it’s a crazy thing, and prob the main thing I still feel hung up a little bit about. because I am already in this “I'm looking for the one” stage. Just very easily and quickly passing girls up if they don't “fit the criteria for the long term.” Which I’ll tell you is really too bad because I really would like to enjoy some good old fashion gratuitous sex right about now. and my heart s very lonely for that connection. But the prob is my heart just won't let me fake even like a two minute conversation with girls anymore. So unless you can just get away with saying to a girl, o.k. look lets not talk, but whadoyou say we just take the next half hour and have mad passionate sex no strings attached ok? And the thing of it is that there are plenty of girls that are like that. but man for some reason I just can’t even do that anymore. They actually turn me off. IT makes me feel like  am compromising myself or something. IT is fucking tragic. Its like I am fighting within myself. Like a schitzofuckingphraenic. Crazy. I said I would write about Saturday night’s party and I'll just say this: I just can’t fake it anymore. I can’t even last a round for five minutes trying to talk to a girl if she isn't the one. I don't have a problem talking to a girl just me to her, like friends, but when you're in that girl/guy thing when she's flirting and coming on real strong and I'm supposed to be flirting and all that, man I don't know but I just lost that over the summer in Italy---I know it was building up for a long time to that---and I just can’t get it back, so I'm not bagging babes now, even though I am really horny. That hasn’t changed. But I just can’t do it anymore. 

This better be leading up to some really amazing fucking spiritual thing like you know pretty soon I start flying or being able to teleport or something like NEO because this is a serious sacrifice I'm making here I would say. 

-----Original Message-----
From: Protest Girl [mailto:XXXXX@XXXXX.com] 
Sent: Tuesday, December 09, 2003 12:26 AM
To: Fishy
Subject: RE: where are you?

Dear Fishy,

I pray this finds you well.

Much has happened in my life since we last talked. I got divorced.  I became a Muslim. I got remarried. I moved to Egypt. (Nothing like a little change, huh!?)

My spiritual search was fulfilled when I discovered the truth about Islam. What we hear in the U.S. is far from the truth.  I have never felt such peace and comfort as I do with Islam, and living in Egypt is something I had always dreamed of.

Please let me know how you are doing. I pray you find the peace and fulfillment you are searching for.

Best always,
Protest Girl


Dear Protest girl,
Oh my God!
I mean, Oh my Allah!
What a joy to hear from you.
I am so glad you received this.
You were missed and needed here during the FTAA meeting protests.
Well please send me your contact info so we don't lose contact again.
I am very happy for you.
How wonderful!
Now you are just like Cat Stevens. Lol.

I hope you are happy happy happy!!!

Your email will make me look more into the Islam faith. For me personally, I do not believe in manmade religions myself, as much as just having a very devout relationship with God/Goddess; but my heart is filled with joy when I hear my friends are so touched by the hand of God that they become religious. I think it is a beautiful thing and can create great passion and happiness to them and those around them. so I am deeply happy for you right now. and congratulations on your new marriage! You so lucky!

I plan on making a trip to Africa the year after next. To live and study. Perhaps I will see you then, or even before.

All my best wishes for your continued happiness and discovery. Keep fighting the good fight you little angel.

Fishy

Recreational Drug Guidelines

How to make it to the crystal palace and make it out alive
[For creative junkies only: If you want to learn the art of little wonders, you study little wonders from someone who has done it so much that they have managed to turn the recreational use of pills into an art form. We are primarily discussing barbs, downers, pain killers, and opiates in this article. Today we learn that there are four or five absolutely essential guidelines to always bear in mind in your exploration:

Guideline number one, don't take pills whole for your initial dosage; this is not the best way to first enter into the crystal palace. [You will know when you are about to reach the crystal palace because you will first enter the land of forgetfulness. More on this later.] Break or bite them in half and even in quarters, and take them every half hour or so, rather than all at once. This allows a slower climb up, or down, as the case may be, depending on what you're taking.

Two, the key to maintaining any good pill buzz is to suck, not swallow. This guideline in particular is hard, pardon the pun here, for many people to swallow, but it is well worth mastering this one. Rather than swallowing your initial dose and any that follow, place a piece of the pill under your tongue, and allow it to dissolve slowly. Yes it tastes disgusting at first, but your body will quickly begin to associate this foul taste with the magnificently rewarding feelings that will soon follow. And soon you will welcome that taste. Similar to your very first taste of coffee. This method allows almost one-hundred percent absorption of the chemicals through the oral mucosa of the mouth lining, rather than allowing a lot of the active chemicals to get eaten up by the body’s stomach acids. In turn, it also takes you there a lot faster, almost instantly, rather than having to wait the usual fifteen to twenty minutes for the pill’s active ingredients to pass through the digestive track and enter the bloodstream to take effect.

Guideline number three: Don't OD. I know, sounds simple enough, but still, plenty of people forget this one every year, and end up asleep forever. That’s why the slow piece by piece method works best. Remember, you're goal is not to take pills just to get high for ten minutes, pass out, remembering nothing the next day. Your goal is to relax and enjoy the ride, enjoy the land of forgetfulness on your way to the crystal palace, where you can enjoy easy access to a seemingly infinite supply of creative flow and positive energies, accompanied by cool body sensations, an almost total ignorance of anything else going on around you except your own slowly meandering thoughts. This state can easily be achieved on one pill if it’s the right dosage, especially if the piece by piece method is used. You don't need to take a handful all at once. In fact, only novices do it that way. [or loser junkies: those that do it for no other reason than just to get off, rather than for creative exploration. Different group altogether.] A totally professional creative junkie type can stay high on painkillers all day without anyone ever knowing it and by the end of the day maybe only have taken one and a half to two and a half pills total throughout the day. Good pills will fuck you up. that's why you take them. there is a certain sense of confidence and invincibility and a fantasy mind set that sets in and that's what makes them so dangerous. Because there is always the potential that you will suppress either the central nervous system or the respiratory system so much that you could die and not know you're dying, guideline number three is an important one to remember. Be careful. Use, don't abuse.

Dear Fishy,

Essentially last few days a voice in my head continuously repeat that I have to call you. but I not have your number. So When I dreamed you being bored, I worried about you. You were seemed so sad in my dream. It is difficult to explain you. How I could feel your emotional circumstance. May be you can remember When first of all we saw each other in bus of  Siena, I felt that I have known you before I know  that this is ridiculous. but I can feel such emotions of persons who are important for me.

When I look your life from my window, I see the man who is handsome, successful, intelligent, humanist, talented, in other words your life is seemed sooooo meaningful. Of course you know all things about yourself and your life. All things I said above, are true and  my real thoughts about you and I am sure that persons who know you share same thoughts with me. However the most important thing what you feel because this is your life but only you can give more meaning to your life. What a pity there is any agreed solution to make more meaningful for our life.

Look I have a offer to you, let's you come to Turkey I will be so happy to put you up in my country.

Don't forget you are in my heart

Bye

Just saw the FMQB charts this week. Sleep with you made the top 25. In 23^rd place this week. That's awesome. DJs are spinning the album and the peeps are digging it. 

Processing a lot. Had almost over an hour CHP today with one creation. A wild ride. 

Current Spin: Justin Clayton, Limb. This is a great guitar pop record by a master songwriter and producer. Really good. Listening to this on the way over the causeway from the beach to the mainland extremely loud. Makes you wonder what more is left to create with music. that's how good it is. makes you not able to think of anything better to do on your own. so you just don't want to make music for a while. 

I wonder, do you ever wonder, how would we ever make something really grand and wonderful? With any lasting value. Think of Rome for God sakes; it is filled with giant memorials to many men's quest for the same ambition. Or Egypt. [one has to wonder underneath this if the reason why we feel this way is just because we long to make something real and valuable and meaningful for ourselves. I mean this can’t just be for other people, for the fans, or whoever. In the long run who really cares about that? It has to be about what is of lasting value to us. I think that secretly that is who we are trying to please.] Listening to Justin’s CD here, thinking about how it went so un-noticed around the world. What is the difference between the famous and the not famous? How does p diddy get to be a millionaire but Justin is still just one of the many songwriters who put out an album? I wonder what else is at play there besides music? Underneath the surface of it? things cosmic or karmic? Or just the luck of the draw? Right place at the right time? I don't know. but listening more you can just hear it. you put on p diddy, and as base and shallow and inane as it is, it is really creative; it really gets you moving. It just has this “thing” about it. sounds and feels upbeat and contemporary. And you can tell that it is going to appeal to a broader demographic. You put on Justin's album or any number of other singer songwriters out there and its just guitar bass and drum pop rock music. a lot of times really smart and catchy and intelligent and sometimes even moving (like Justin's song Drag—download this track for sure). And sometimes, rarely, it can really be sublime like Robbie William’s Escapology, or Aimee Mann magnolia, or Jeff Buckley’s Grace. But that's it. its still guitar bass and drum music. Frankly I'm sick of music sounding like that. I hate it. Which is funny cause that's what we do stll. I always tried to avoid it. Until sleep with you, where we really tried to embrace the idea of sounding like a band of five guys. There were a lot of moments where I reached out and tried to do stuff that was out there but the producer didn't let me, he would scream and say I was crazy and remind me that I was broke and that we were trying to make an album where we all could make some money. so I held back on being experimental and just tried to sing and play really well. But before that I was always into trying to rise above that. on rise and shine we really tried. People thought we were all over the place. Which we were. But totally on purpose. There is no mold to making albums. Like all art. and every time you discover a mold, you should immediately break it. our new album is more of the same. Five guys making music on their instruments. Very natural and organic. You can hear the voices and the instruments. Whereas say on a p diddy or the new Justin Timberlake album, you can’t hear any instruments. Its all just music, because so much of it is made in a computer or on keyboards. So its just this combination of sounds---rhythm and melody and harmonies—that come together to create this sound. And I like that. and man I could go on and on, because my favorite stuff the last few years has been like that. ginger baby by father Bloopy is very raw at first listen but it is very experimental; the two Radiohead albums kid a and amnesiac are more mainstream examples of that. They almost got there. but cats like takemura Nabukazu or the silver mount Zion memorial orchestra or stars of the lid really go all the way out there, where there isn't even a song structure anymore. And I think that's the future. Been so busy trying to make it mainstream I haven't had time to create more music like this, but I would like to focus more on it. I think then I would feel as if I was contributing more value to myself as an artist. Because at this point I think that as an artist I have kind of superceded where I am in my music career. Still putting out three and four minute pop/rock songs with a five piece band, but my heart is longing for twenty minute one note drone music that goes somewhere else entirely. 

-----Original Message-----
From: little tree [mailto:littletree@xxxx.com] 
Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2003 9:13 PM
To: fishy@transcendence.com
Subject: Fwd: ok here it is--the link

Hey there,
I scrolled down on that link you sent me, and quickly looked through the material; very interesting stuff to read and learn : ) When you said "maybe we can think of this next yr", what did you mean exactly? did you mean saying the prayer below or do I need to read it all to understand?
http://www.transcendence.com/channels/ia/ia_articles/history-thanksgiving.html

Hey there, No. I meant making sure that your kiddies know the real history of thanksgiving etc so they don't grow up and freak out like most of us Americans when they discover the truth...its good for them to know the real story rather than just the myths that everyone celebrates at thanksgiving. I remember one time you told me that your kids were dressing up like Indians for thanksgiving and I thought ‘uh oh.’ Because a lot of Indians don't really appreciate that too much as I am sure you can understand. Because I was raised in a very traditional family (like yours seems now) I was never told about a lot of the real origins and stories about American holidays and so when I grew up and started learning about them I felt very confused and betrayed by my parents and of course the government for telling me so many lies when I was a child. To a growing number of people all around the world now, especially in the Americas, thanksgiving is becoming an International Day of Mourning for the millions of people who were killed and who this land was stolen from---As well as a wonderful day to celebrate our thankfulness for our family, health, and friends. Just info. 
No big deal, just interesting stuff to know. 

Dear Fishy,

It is wonderful to hear from you!

During my "spiritual search," I had identified the essence of truth in all religions, but could not get at that "pure" word of God, and always had a part of me missing as a result. Just like most of us are, I was skeptical of Islam and shared the perception its "man-made-ism.” I didn't even bother with Islam, as to me, as a "Westerner," it was just too foreign. However, with an open heart and mind, it really didn't take much time at all for me to have the whole truth about life revealed to my mind, heart and spirit, as I am eternally grateful for the most precious gift of Islam, where I found myself and all the answers, where I finally feel liberated. 

In actuality, Islam is not a "man-made" religion. As Islam means "submission to God," and all the prophets and messengers "submitted to God," they were "Muslims" (those who submit to God). (The Jews and Christians really hate to hear that Jesus and Moses and Abraham, etc. were Muslims!) It is man that deviated from God's word and misused the many messages to control and corrupt the people.  

Don't get me wrong, Muslims are by no means perfect, and their defeat and humiliation is due to the fact that they have deviated from their faith.  But there are still some "Islamists" who follow the word of God as revealed to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) in the Qur'an, as well as the example set forth by the Prophet. It does take some serious research and filtering to find the truth, as there are forces out there whose sole purpose is to misguide and keep us away from the straight path.  When you can, check out this excellent site: www.harunyahya.com.  

If you ever come across anything regarding Islam you have questions about, I'd be happy to do my best to answer.

My activism work continues. I am the webmaster and am learning a bit about digital movie production with some upcoming educational projects we have planned, similar to the Shock & Awe Gallery.

You cannot imagine how good it feels to be out of that country of materialism and immoral confusion.  It's great that you plan to live and study in Africa. There is just so much more to life and the world that only can be discovered and achieved without the pressure, stress and distraction of a country like the U.S. 

Our phone number is XXXXXXXXX here in Cairo. We have a house here with my mother-in-law (quite the character!), who is always happy to have visitors, so give us a call if your ever in the area. Once we get settled and acclimated, I will be studying Arabic and Islam at Al-Azhar University, inshaallah (God willing).

I pray you find all that you are searching for.  

Best always,

Protest Girl

I know exactly what protest girl means. I remember how it feels whenever you travel outside of the US and you forget about all the materialistic pressures of life in the Matrix. It is just so totally full of shit in the United States. I am such a devout American, a big fan I am, that's for sure, but last night we were watching Sex and the City and I have to be honest, I just felt disgusted. Between sex and the city and the sopranos, the two most popular shows in America, one is about a bunch of idiot sluts and the other is about a bunch of murderers and thieves, and people wonder why every day we wake up to some more news about some serial killer or sniper or serial rapist or some mutual fund scam or large corporate stock scandal. I felt like my insides were being ripped out as I watched. Same thing when I watch the music channels too. they are just so completely dolled up and unreal. It is as if the point of being on them is to rip out all the humanity of the artists and create this totally fake plastic thing that no one can relate to so in turn every one tries to relate to it and can’t so instead they buy it. Something like that. kind of like McDonalds commercials. Insidious stuff. and the commercials on network television. You just don't realize how thoroughly fake and disgusting everything is here in the states until you get away from it for a while and then come back to it. it is just one big corporate sewer system trying to sell us something. and its not like “us” is innocent in this equation. For God sakes I'm the author of the ‘sleep with you’ album so who am I to be saying anything. I know that. I don't care. I am so wasted right now on this sangria that I can let this shit fly. Somewhere at some time something has to give. America has to come back to itself. It has to bring it all back home. Gotta take it back to the basics like good values, home, and family. And let all this other stuff go. Sheryl crow on the back of a horse riding through the fucking desert singing some old classic just so she can have another hit? Man this is some twisted manipulative shit. 

Current Spin: Sondre Lerche, good pop. Sounds like a new Donovan. 

Dell Computer Corporation has decided to outsource its technical support to India. I like Dell. They are more expensive than other computers out there but they will custom build the computer you want, and the quality is better than most. But more than anything else, I liked the fact that I could pick up the phone and talk to them if I had a problem. Sometime since I purchased this newest baby a little under two years ago and about six months ago, Dell decided to move most of its technical support services to New Delhi, India. Every time I call them, the communication is very difficult. Number one, its just hard to understand what they are saying most of the time. and number two, they aren't over here in America, so I notice that no matter what I call them for, sure as hell, within five minutes they are telling me that “Mr. Fishy, we are going to have to reformat your hard drive. Do you have your install discs available?” I'm like, “You're what? You’re not going to reformat my hard drive. Are you high or something?” “Pardon me Mr. Fishy?” “Listen man, please stop with your re-format your hard drive talk and lets fix this problem. O.K.? If you cannot fix it, then I totally understand. Please just tell me that and lets talk to someone who can fix it... like someone in America... but no you're not going to delete everything off of my system just because you cannot get the wireless to work all of a sudden, unless you plan on coming here yourself and re-installing everything for me. and let me tell you, there's a lot installed on my system so be prepared to stay for a while.” sure enough, eventually they come back and find a way to solve the issue, or they get someone on the phone who can, and its always usually something pretty simple. Just goes to show.   

Another problem is that you cannot just chat with the Indians about your issue. They just don't chat. Over here in the states you find a tech support person on the phone, you describe your problem, they look it up, they share with you their own experience with this issue, you share with them things that you know, you learn some, they learn some, and between the two of you, the problem is solved in no time flat. With the Indian tech support people, there is no chatting. They are like robots. They don't have any experience with what you are calling them about. they probably have been on the job for less than a week. they can’t talk to you about it because they don't know anything about it. They have to look everything up in their manual. Its just crazy. its not the kind of tech support we are used to here in the states. 

Today is the 13th anniversary of John getting killed. Can’t believe that only Paul and ringo are alive now. hard to reconcile that. processing a lot. Getting to the outside of a lot of creations. I love coming to the office. I tried working at the house today till about 2. just can’t do it. I like the office environment. I can get more done. Saw the movie Chocolate. And decided that I definitely want to make that trip to Africa. Live there for a few months. Maybe spend a half a year or more. study the music, the animals, the cultures, and the languages. but first I want to do the France thing. speaking fluent French will make getting around in Africa much easier and more manageable. So plan on living in France for the summer. Paris for a month or two and then somewhere in the South to get that provincial vibe. Then plan for Africa the following year.

Played guitar all weekend. So into it right now. it is so visceral. You can feel it when it is loud and as much as I enjoy and focus a lot more attention on being a songwriter I could never go without guitar playing. It is just too important to me. I find myself thinking about it whenever I am not jamming. Peavey classic fifty is cool but just doesn’t compare to a good head and a 4x12. did a compare and contrast. Music man is still the king of TONE!! I love that baby. Too unwieldy for live usage, but the master of tone.

I get this email this morning from Antoinette, a friend from Sweden:

Dear Fishy,
Hello, I worry about you since I dreamed about you being bored. I hope everything is okay.
Bye

How does that happen? just this morning I was thinking about how thoroughly bored I am. How thoroughly lacking in meaning my life seems right now. how does someone I don't even know half way around the world have a dream about it? Our connections with other people are a funny thing. time and space don't have anything to do with these connections we have with people, do they? But alas dreams are funny. Can’t take them too seriously. but these connections that we have with people. Make life seem shorter and simpler... and yet life is long enough to enjoy, but sometimes I feel that life is just a blink of an eye in a long series of lives we are living, and I think perhaps that there is some kind of simultaneous life thing going on, an infinite number of lives being lived simultaneously. reflect back on the books Bridge across forever and One by Richard Bach. I don't think he is too far off. I think he is probably dead on there.

Current Spin: heard this bootleg of the Beatles rehearsing their vocals for the song think for yourself. Really cool. Also Emmy Lou Harris. Greatest hits. Haven't really been able to get into it too much yet.

Last screening: Happiness. This movie is not for the squeamish. But it’s a must see. Its sick and twisted and weird, but there is something about it that sticks with you. it is like the story of sad and sick people. and how evasive happiness is for them. I can’t shake it.

Last night I had many visions in my dreams. Visions in the fact that perhaps they were more than mere visual fantasy. The diaries are more important than you are giving them credit for. Put them back up now. Stop everything else and get the fucking diaries back up. it is all I could dream about. One singular message.

Current Spin: Elastica. An over-rated classic. 

Played the Citylink music fest tonight. processed with Little Tree last night on the phone. What a show. Wow. Really good. Still have a tough time talking in between songs. I mean, here I am ten years into it and I'm still not barely half in reality what I have always envisioned in my mind when I close my eyes. But I think we’re getting there. I would really like to get to that point where Rufus is so naturally, where I can just sit down and talk and really be myself. Jim Camacho is that way. he is just so open and honest and real up on stage. I need to let go more. but what a great show. We had this whole bar almost mesmerized there for a bit. People were rushing us afterwards asking us where we were from as if we were from out of town. It was very nice. zeke played. Jim played. Rhett played. Humbert played. Mindy is looking hot. She lost weight and you just want to grab her and kiss her and do her. What a love fest it is. You see everyone you haven't seen all year.

Ferret had dental surgery I found out. I'm like “dude I didn't know. I would have come right over.” He's like ‘No dude I'm fine. Don't worry about it.” and I'm like “no dude. I didn't mean that. I mean, what did they give you for pain bro?” he's like “you dick.” So we scored a whole bottle of vics. We each took one and then went out and he was just wasted. And he's like high fiving me now saying “Dude now I know why you guys are so crazy for it. No wonder you write songs about it!” he was just insane out there in the public high on vics and vodka, saying whatever popped into his head to anyone. So we’re back in the crystal palace again. For the time being.

o.k, one thing is that even though you may or may not believe in God, sometimes its important to just get down on your knees and pray. Just heard from a friend that his wife left him and their child. And he is a Christian. And so i told him I will pray for him. and I mean that with all my heart. Tonight I will pray my heart out for him and for the whole situation. I think God is just one of those things that you believe in even though you don't believe in. Kind of like extraterrestrials or reincarnation. I mean, in the end, who really knows, but we have the belief anyway. and me, i just believe that God is a very personal thing. and so depending on who you’re hanging out with, the God is going to vary accordingly. A lot of people I know disagree with that because they really believe that God is just one form, one idea, namely the idea they were raised with or the one they currently subscribe to. and its hard for them to step out of that because they feel like if they do then they are somehow sinning. But I don't believe that anymore. If I'm with my Jewish friends then I'm going to worship the Jewish God with them and uphold the Jewish customs. and if I'm  hanging with my Indian friends then I'm going to be praying to Krishna and Shiva and Ganesh. I mean if you're hanging with a bunch of witches then you're going to be dancing around a fire naked worshipping the goddess. You're not going to be on your knees praying to the catholic god. And vice versa. I'm not going to light a fire in my moms catholic church next time I'm home for the holidays and dance around naked with the priests; no matter how much they’d probably like it.

One more thing. it is really hard to resist when you like a girl but maybe you just don't think she is the one, so you kind of have an idea that it isn't going to last that long. that's not easy, holding back like that. You just want to be with her anyway. but I think that's having discipline. Building character. Not sure yet. Either that, or its just being a tight ass and you should just do whatever you want to in the moment. Still haven't quite figured it out.

Last screening: shocking video from all over the world. This is on HBO right now, and it truly is shocking. 

Current Spin: Pulp’s greatest hits. Man what happened to them? Their last CD just sucked. I really expected more. [see, there, I just did it again. I just totally ripped on another artist. no thought for them. just let it rip. That's what I mean. We do it all the time. its no big deal. Its nothing personal. I mean, I don't know them personally, i just relayed how much I hate their last CD. and so that's my point. If you're going to sing man, you just gotta fucking sing and not worry about what the people are saying. Just hope you have more fans that love you than jealous critics that's all. But that one guy in fort Lauderhell, which is a city we have just never been able to crack, even when we lived there, sort of, close to it, broward at least, we never were able to crack it, we were always a Miami band. That's just the way it is there with bands like ours. but this critic from fort Lauderdale saying at the end of his ranting and raving about how awful our new CD is saying he was hoping for a quick overdose for the singer...” I mean that is kind of personal is it not? I mean, imagine if I did fucking overdose one day, not that that would be a bad way to go, because chances are that’s probably not a bad way to go at all, depending on what your overdosing on of course. But still, my poor mom. I hope she never reads that. [I don't know what it was, but something about the bad reviews really opened me up. just made me feel really good. and happy. almost like a welcome to the club type of vibe. Like o.k. now I'm in. Its not all kiss ass generic good reviews that don't really tell you anything now. I mean, this is some passionate hatred these guys have for us. I mean, some of these guys just fucking hate me and its kind of inspiring in a weird way.]