Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Reading is nothing but a barely worthy past time if we don't make use of what we are reading. The ‘read and forget about it’ practice is not any better than people who sit in front of the TV for hours. When people tell you they are smart because they read a lot rather than watch TV, it means nothing unless you know what they are actually reading. Plenty of people spend countless worthless hours reading westerns sci-fi romance novels celebrity bios detective stories and the like. And what's worse is that even when we are reading something worthy it doesn’t help much if all we do is read it and then shelve it. I am finding that the worth of reading, as in any media consumption, is what we actually do with the new data that we collect. New data has a very short shelf life in the old noggin. If we don't make use of it from the outset, its gone for good and becomes just another memory. Oh yeah, I think I read that book. Yeah, that was a good one from what I can remember... So the real benefit is in reading a bit, practicing it a bit, then reading a bit more, practicing a bit more... making use of what we are gathering along the way each and every day.

In other news, my depression, see how I named it mine already? how quick we are to take on any old thing that happens to rear its ugly head in our universe, my depression knows no end it seems. Knows absolutely no end. if I were not such a glutton for these types of things I would be worried. But the truth is that I have never known life without a slight depression, basked in it as an artist feeling that at worst it makes life miserable, at best it sparks the creative juices, and somewhere in between it makes life all the more interesting; perhaps maybe even a desperation this is. Even when I'm ecstatic, I still have that tugging and nagging sense of depression underneath it all. just sometimes I am not aware of it. for years I wasn't aware of it. now I am suddenly. what I like about it though is that it helps me relate better to people. I like that. the tree, Queenie, Francis, half the people I know are depressed in general and on some medication for either being too up or too down. Ferret could make a living at one liners about how miserable he is. Bas is generally moody as a dog about to be put out of its misery and plenty of other comrades claim a general dissatisfaction about life in the universe that if I dance in singing and praising the joy of ‘all that is’ they will look at me with a disaffected grimace as if to say ‘what are you so happy about?’ so I like this state only in as much as it reminds me that we can all get down now and then. even me. like down without being able to get up kind of a down. And I think it’s important to remember that. that's possible. Then again, I'm more than ready to be done with the images of shooting myself in the head or jumping off of tall buildings that pop up in my mind every few minutes. What is that?

Monday, May 30, 2005

This is interesting. Chart showing the death tolls of all US wars:

Just look it. In all of its shining gore-lory. This is one of the biggest farces the world has seen in decades, this charade they call operation Iraqi freedom. Right up there with Vietnam, Chavez and the Venezuela crisis, Castro’s Cuba, Rwanda, china in general, north Korea, you name it. “A new government” is what they call what in college we learned was known as a “puppet regime.” Under “Iraq’s population,” CNN says that the majority of the “insurgents” fighting “the Iraqi government” are Sunni Muslims, with a minority being Shiite Muslims. No, I'm serious, they really say this. In the same sentence they use the words “Sunni Muslims” and “insurgents.”

Recently I had a dream where I was at a press conference and I asked GW, who was looking mighty dapper as always I might add, a simple question... “Mr. President. If china came over here to America and invaded us and you and I had to battle it out along with thousands of other men to defend ourselves and our families against these Chinese invaders, who would be the insurgents?” “Uuuhhh... they would be?” he stammers... “Yes that's right sir. the Chinese invaders would be the insurgents because that's what the word means. Thank you Mr. president.”

So lets get this straight; just for clarification and a good laugh before bed. The majority of the “insurgents” battling the United States armed forces in Iraq are Iraqis of the Sunni Muslim religion and a minority of them are Iraqis of the Shiite Muslim religion and yet THEY are the insurgents? But they live there? o.k. that's a good one. that's right up there with Michael Jackson never had plastic surgery, milk it does a body good, all is well with health insurance for Americans, our jobs going overseas is not a bad thing, homosexuality is somehow wrong, drilling for oil in the Alaskan wild is not so bad, selling our national forests to Asia by the tens of thousands of acres per day is o.k. and nothing to worry about, and Britney and Paris deserve all the press they get. good stuff. there has never been a time to be more proud...

And of course there’s a “coalition casualties” chart as you’ll notice, which isn't a bad thing, since our government tries desperately to shield these casualties from us, but nothing absolutely nothing about the Iraqi casualties – military nor civilians (currently estimated at 120,000). HOW is this even the least bit fair or balanced news reporting? Fucking unbelievable. We have been kidnapped by robbers murderers and thieves and are locked up on a ship of fools sailing for Alice’s Wonderland and we don't even know it. 
I go out to lunch with JerseyGirl today. we have known each for over ten years now, having met at our first Avatar masters course back then and continue to see each other at courses and various social events. She lives close by so we hang now and then. I tell her how we filmed all day on Saturday and we viewed the footage on Sunday and the audio was all effed up so now we have to re-film on Tuesday. How my show-finale speech was all about how we, the people, are losing the good fight and how the giant corporations that rule the earth are winning, how they have always won, how they will always win, and hey at least we have good music and film, and that's all about all we have. the best that we can hope for is that it doesn’t get any worse, but even that seems like a pipe dream. The people with money, and I mean BIG money, are going to continue to sell out the rest of the people regardless of what that means in the long haul. I mean, after all, George bush and his big goal now of reforming social security, does that have anything to do with doing something right for the people? for his neighbors? I mean why is he so adamant about this? why isn't he tackling more important issues like health care or the environment or credit card or banking reformation to really help the American people? instead he is spending much of his time now trying to convince the public that the government should overhaul social security to the tune of billions of dollars.. and who is going to get these billions of dollars? You guessed it, large corporations. The same corporations that put him in the seat of president. So now that he is president he needs to give them this on a silver platter, just as he gave them the country of Iraq. This has nothing to do with helping the American people, and most people know it, the media knows it, congress knows it, everyone knows it, but we pretend that we don't because that's the way it works. the emperor has no clothes and everyone acts like they don't notice because that is way it has always worked. That's our job as a people. So no, chances are we will not see reform of political campaign financing, or health care, or banking or unemployment fixes, or education, or protection of the environment, because even though that's what we need as a people, there is no money in that for the big powers that be that run the world and got him into power. that's just the way it is for America now.

On the subject of the environment. Well it looks like we lost that fight and we will contnue to lose that fight. the environment is a lost cause as long as gw sits in power. no matter how many people try to change it. we can raise ten billion dollars to save the environment and with one phone call to or from one president of one company to the president of the United States, all of that can be reversed and destroyed in an hour. that's life.

Maybe there's hope, who knows. but for now, at this point, after six months of interviews and really studying, this is where I'm at with it. it appears to me that we are losing, that the people of the world are losing, and that there's nothing we can really do about it.

So I share this with JerseyGirl over lunch and tell her that this is the conclusion that I share with people in the TV show that I have been filming. and she is aghast. She is horrified. ‘but you are an Avatar. How could you do this? how could you even think these thoughts? You know that whatever you put your attention on you help manifest... you know this. I am shocked Fishy.’ ‘I know JerseyGirl. I knew you would feel like this. But I'm afraid this is really how I feel right now. this is how I see it. the whole idea of this show is for me to be honest with what I'm feeling. The truth is that the poor and middle classes and even the moderately rich will always lose, and the super rich will always rule, even when they think they are winning and really losing, they will still get their way because that's just the way the world works. the only way change is created is by violent acts of revolution.’ ‘Fishy you do not mean this. tell me you are kidding right now. this is ridiculous.’ ‘I know how you feel. I'm with you Jers, I'm with you, you know my heart, we became masters together, so you know that I'm a lover not a fighter, but I gotta tell you, I have to call as I see it, and this is what I'm seeing.’ ‘well don't you see that the audio being messed up and now you guys having to re-shoot is a sign from the universe that you need to change your conclusion a little... do you see that?’ she smiles at me this really big joyful appreciative smile that she is famous for.’ ‘yeah I see that. I will change it a bit. I am going to try to find a way to make it a little more positive... but I'll tell you, I'm not even giving you the whole picture. I've been studying this stuff a lot and I'm really starting to believe that the only way we’re ever going to change things for the better for us is through violent acts of rebellion and revolution. I didn't say that on tape but that's what I'm feeling now.’ ‘Fishy I can’t even believe you are saying this. don't you dare. As an Avatar, don't you dare. Do you believe that we are creating an EPC? An enlightened planetary civilization?’ ‘I believe that we are trying. But I don't think we are getting anywhere.’

We finish lunch and as we walk to the car we pass by this store called love saves the day. she forces me to go in and tells me that this is a sign from the universe. She buys me a little beanie baby angel teddy bear and I buy her a little love teddy bear. I tell her I will use the tools to discreate these ideas that I have. that I will begin to work on this to stop thinking this way. so I'm writing about it. trying to sort it out. how I got to this place, I don't know. its not like me. but I am tired of being a blind idealist with no sense of what's really going on. I am tired of watching all of my environmental and social and political activist friends work so hard and get no where. The truth is we all marched in protest against this war in Iraq all over the world and we got nowhere. That's the truth. over a hundred thousand Iraqis murdered and we fought the good fight but the giant corporations of the world won. The Iraqis are dead and that's that. how idealistic can you be after witnessing that?

Current spin: Moby, his new one, Hotel. I love Moby. How can you not.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Went to church today. stayed up all night writing and watching this Mr. smith goes to Washington movie. What a great story. When I finally woke up it was 10:51. church starts at 11am. Oh shit. run forest run! I had 9 minutes to get there, let alone get up, have coffee, shower, shave, get dressed and make a mad dash to the church. Wasn't going to happen obviously. I was planning on attending this church on park Ave. that I had gone into a few weeks before, the one where I had that glorious spiritual experience just wandering in and sitting down. But there was no way I was going to make it. So I jumped up, splashed my face, threw some clothes on, and ran down the street to the closest church I knew of, this Baptist church on 61st and 2nd Ave.

I was hoping for something. at this point I am resigned to the contradictory nature of who I am and how I feel in relation to God and religion and churches. I know it makes no sense. The poet asks me on the phone, ‘you went to church? If your family in town or something? or you just went on your own? why do you spend so much of your time rallying against religion in your diaries then?’ I tell him ‘well, throughout history there hasn’t been anything more harmful or hurtful or destructive than religion bro.’ ‘well I know that. so why do you go to church then?’ ‘I guess its because I still have this longing for community of the spirit. I just can’t shake it. you know, the heart really longs for things spiritual and a chance to be able to share that with others...’ ‘so how was this church?’ ‘not good I'm afraid. Not good at all. it reminded me a lot of growing up. I went to Christian schools all through growing up and it was fucking nuts. a lot of talk about ‘us versus them.’ they have this attitude of ‘we’re saved and ‘they're not.’’ and they talk about it the whole damn time. they kept referring to all the people on my block, by the way did you know that on the block that I live on there are 7000 people?’ ‘no way.’ ‘way. seriously. that's what they said at least. Anyway, they referred to everyone on my block who wasn't a born again Christian as ‘unsaved, lonely souls, lying and dying on the side of the road, I swear to God, they really said this... as if they have to save us all or else we will be forever damned...’ ‘well they believe that...’ ‘I know, and its scary that in this day and age with all we know about science and religion and physics and astronomy and metaphysics that people still think like that. it was actually really scary because I hadn't been in a church like that for a long time and I had forgotten that that's out there.’ ‘it’s a reality though I'm afraid. What are you gonna do. that's life my brother’ ‘indeed it is.’  

Anyway so today wasn't so good of a church experience. In fact, it was rather frightening. Last week at unity was fine. At least there are open minds there. I did get a chance to talk with God a bit and that was nice. ‘God/Goddess, what am I doing here? you know my heart. help me to know you God... help me to know the real you... help me to open my heart and mind and ears and eyes enough to really know you. you know me God, I can’t think like this. this is fucking madness. I'm never going to believe in any of this only through Jesus stuff or the Krishna stuff or the Allah stuff... show me the truth God, show me the real God and spirit... let me know you so I can serve you better God... in my own name I pray.’

The whole damn time they were praising Jesus and saying he was their savior and without him we are doomed to lie dead and suffering on the side of the road... and I'm trying to hold myself back from jumping up and screaming ‘people don't you know that we’re our own savior? Don't you see that every population in the world has an idea of a different savior and in the end none of it even matters because we’re the savior that we’re really looking for?! We don't need a savior from two thousand years ago anymore than we need a Buddha or a Krishna or a Ganesh or a Mohamed or any of that. we’re all little pieces of God people. we’re God right here on earth. Here we are. millions of us. millions of little gods. Lets praise us. lets take this time to worship ourselves.. man I'm loving your music here, but use it to celebrate us!!!’

The other thing is that the minister had all the guys who had ever served in the armed forces stand up and had everyone pray for them. but not one mention of all the innocent Iraqis that have died in this war. Nothing. I stood there in shock and awe. Just total blindness as to the realities of what's really going on.

God do I long for the day when we will be able to pray to a God of no denomination, no dogma, no religion, no backwoods hillbilly camel in the desert fundamentalist intolerant closed minded bullshit attached.

This lady comes into the smoke shop asking us for money to donate to animals. She tells us that your best friends in the world are animals. People will leave you, animals won't.’ and then ‘there’re no animals in the next life, so enjoy them while you can.’ strange set of beliefs I thought. And then Lon tells me ‘don't ever go out with a read-head. They're all certifiable.’ Great now I've heard it all. we’re now classifying people by the color of their hair? Made me think about church this morning. Gosh, people will claim to have all sorts of whacked out beliefs. there are so many beliefs out there, people will just look at you with a straight face and recite them to you as if they are real. I swear to God everyone is just fucking nuts.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Last screening: Mr. smith goes to Washington. Starring jean Arthur and of course jimmy Stewart. A classic. A must see. I loved this movie.

Inspired by the film. saw a lot of myself in that character. This kind of innocent ‘well what's going on?’ kind of naiveté I seem to have just dancing and singing through life without ever looking around to really see what's really happening around me. Been burned a few times and dare I say that lately I have noticed a certain cynicism crop up in me that just isn't me.

Man I'm starting to think that maybe I'm missing the boat. Watching this movie, and then reflecting on what I've been writing in the diaries the last few weeks... so afraid to let anyone in. so afraid of getting close to anyone because in the end they're just going to disappoint you anyway. have to say, that's where I'm at now. I guess you could say that my heart’s kind of closed. But boy I sure would like to change this now. I'm ready to meet me again. I like me. I like the happy go lucky make friends with anyone kind of guy I am. If I wasn't so worried about how the love/friendship would conclude... I guess I just need to let that go and just be open and real and do it more unconditionally. Today I had this realization about Bas. He doesn’t speak to me at all right now. if you can imagine. As crazy as that sounds. The guy was my best friend in the world. But I guess because Cleo and I are battling it out now he feels uncomfortable. And for the life of me I cannot figure out why. I just can’t get to the bottom of it. its caused me a lot of pain lately. Of course it has. And I've kind of had this oh fuck it who cares about getting to know anyone attitude the last few months because of it. But the thing is... you know, anyone can feel that way. plenty do. But if you're just going to try to max this life out and get the most out of it and help others do the same, then that attitude isn't going to help much at all. nope. Have to rise up out of it and realize that if you're going to help people, that if you're going to befriend people, you're going to have to do it from the heart unconditionally. I know writing this that that's easy to say, but I'm going to try. again.

There is the old saying, that if you increase your communication with the world that your net worth increases right along with it. I changed it around a bit to read ‘your net worth is equal to your network. The bigger your network, the bigger your net worth.’ But there has to be real time action involved as well. you’ve got to have the follow through.

Hey ash,
Great to hear from you. yes keeping up with emails to all of our millions of friends is tough stuff these days. life lesson #41 = often times we avoid replying to emails immediately because we feel like we have to say a lot or come up with some great response... so we let the email sit in the box forever and then by the time we see it again we feel bad for never responding... same thing we do with avoiding calling people... figure we just don't have the time because the call is going to take forever. But lately I have just come to realize that this new technology that we are still getting used to is all about just staying in touch with people we dig more often than we did before. Its not like the old days where we had to talk for an hour if we get someone on the phone. often times a "yo bro, what's up? things good? yeah. Me too. chillin. Cool man. Well keep me posted. Hey man let me know when you're coming to town. yeah, I will too. cool. tell so and so that I said hello. alright man, later' is all we really need. that's enough. That's better than what we had before cell phones and email. we have to use and benefit from this new technology, not drown in it.]

And Rob Breszny says this week:
“LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): We're all in the closet in one way or another. Every one of us feels that there's some part of ourselves we've got to hide; that if we reveal the totality of who we really are, we will suffer. For example, U.S. Army Sgt. Robert Stout, who was wounded and got a Purple Heart for his service in Iraq, ultimately decided he was tired of being secret about his homosexuality. As a result, he can't re-enlist, even though he'd like to. My psychotherapist friend Alicia has always used astrology in her practice, but only recently chose to be open about it. Some of her colleagues broke off relations when she told them. According to my reading of the omens, Libra, it's an ideal time to carefully come out  of whatever closet you've been in. I'm not saying there'll be no repercussions; just that you'll have clarity and strength as you deal with them. And the freedom you create with your brave revelation will change everything for the better.”

So I'm feeling that. I know precisely what this may be referring to, whether one believes that astrological influences can have any real bearing or significance to our lives or not. But for me, this particular week’s horoscopic omen appealed profoundly. Ever since I first got that hit to start to work on freeing myself of pretension, the subject of my age and how it relates to my chosen profession has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind. I need to come clean with who I am and how old I am and where I've been. Regardless of what the media says or the major record labels or our managers. I'm losing the opportunity to talk to my own generation and connect with them because I'm so busy pretending that I'm younger and part of a different generation. There's this whole precept that you have to be young to be successful in the music business. so we all play along with it. I don't even want to go into the story of how our management company sat us all down in a swanky penthouse suite at the plaza hotel in nyc a few years back and changed all of our ages so we would be better suited for the major record labels. I've been living that lie ever since. but at my own expense. Here I am pretending that I'm younger than half the people I know when in fact I'm one of them. and along with that comes a whole slew of other lies. Tears for fears? Never heard of them. LOL! the eighties? What's that? a TV show? LOL. so yeah... what a mess. time to come out of the closet as dear old Rob recommends. I need to let go of this no matter what the repercussions, get real, and come to real terms with who I am, give myself this gift so I can start to be there and really communicate with my own generation. If not being real, then what the hell am I really doing?

Did more filming today for the TV show. Final shots, in between shots. I am totally winging this. have no idea what I am doing. But it was a damn good day. I really felt it. I don't know how much real good footage we got yet, but I felt it. I touched on some things. my conclusion about life as we know it for the show was rather doom and gloomy, but that's just where I'm at.

I have learned that you cannot wait for people. if you do and things get fucked up, then that's your fault. It doesn’t matter what your reason is. if you wait for someone because your priority is not as important to them as it is to you, or perhaps it is but they just can’t get it together, that's still your fault. If you wait for others to get your shit done you will always feel held back. and indeed you will be held back. your shit is never as important to anyone else as it is to you. the smart man knows this. the smart man plows ahead regardless of others who are slower or unable to commit or complete. The smart man makes it happen regardless. When the money is being counted, justice will be served. They say it all comes out in the wash. But nothing comes out in the wash if you blow your chances waiting on people who just aren't cutting it.

Still notice in me this uneasiness about letting people in. I am becoming more and more resistant
to becoming close to people. this morning while I was writing I noticed the next door neighbors downstairs in their yard sorting their garbage and recycling. I thought of how I used to do that at our house when I was with Cleopatra and my first reaction was something like “God, the poor bastard. He thinks that matters. Sorting the garbage and recycling... little does he know what a waste of time all that is...” I think this is what we call cynicism. I have never been too sure about this word cynicism. But I'm pretty sure that's what that is. I'm noticing inside of me now a very strong resistance to getting close to people because I feel like it’s a worthless venture. One minute someone seems like your friend and then the next you don't speak with them for a month. I fucking hate that. I must say that if there is one thing that I need to eradicate from my thinking and feeling system as of right now, it is this. I need to let go of this and just let love in and get back to being myself.

What I'm noticing as I get older is that a lot of people aren't as obsessed with friends as I seem to be. I think a lot of people are cool with spending time alone. But I'm just not that way. I like my alone time. but I love my friends. Need to start honoring the friendships that I do have and stop looking back. for some people that seems to come easy. they don't mind friends coming and going in their lives. Me, I hate to admit it, but I let old friendships that are no more taint my ability to even recognize or appreciate new friendships because I get this why bother attitude running around in my head. But inside I know that's not right. just have to work on it. recognize when its running and let it go.

Last screening: Hotel Rwanda. A MUST SEE. Sure it has its share of Hollywood cheese with the obligatory happy ending. A happy ending in the wake of complete genocide of over a million people? well, yeah, it’s a true story, and so you can’t fault the writer/director completely because after all, it really did end happily for this particular family. Thank God. what a great story. Some people have the opinion that the French or the British or the Americans should have come in and saved all those people. after all, isn't that why we’re in Iraq? (insert chuckle and a few high fives here) But from a different viewpoint, one can see that maybe in the long run, one country can’t keep stepping into other countries and fighting their battles for them, risking their own lives for others... but over a million people murdered and we didn't do anything? Crazy. I guess it all just comes down to money. if there's something to be gained we move in. if not, then we don't move in... and maybe in the bigger picture that's just the way it is.

Friday, May 27, 2005

I'm not sure if everyone is like this. but for me, I just don't know if I will ever get over that underlying nagging lonely feeling that can accompany you ever so subtly when you are, well, all alone in the world, until I am actually married with children... makes me think of the Stallion. I don't know why exactly but I believe it may be just because when we first met and started dating she too expressed a strong desire to settle down and partner up with someone. I do not forget that day at the beach when she whined (understandably so) ‘I'm tired of being alone. Of doing everything alone. I want to have a partner...’ I felt for her that day. and as time has passed for me without finding my soulmate, wife, partner in future crime, I can relate more readily with her sentiments. I pray that one day she will find someone who will love her and cherish her forever. I love her very much and know what an amazing catch she is. she deserves it.

The single life is a grand thing. it is true that if you're a guy it can be a great thing because you can taste the fruits of all the different countries of the world and that's a wondrous thing. I will never regret my single years. and I am sure when I am older and married for years and years and years and made love to my wife in every position known to man in every room in our house and our in-laws house that I will look back at these single years as something to be cherished and remembered fondly. But for the life of me I cannot shake this uncontrollable desire to partner up and begin nesting and family building with my one true love, wherever she is, whoever she is.

I am reading a collection of essays by Kevin smith, silent bob for those in the know, and it gives me hope because this guy is NUTS, and I figure if he can find a woman who loves him and accepts him with how crazy he is, then I have nothing to worry about.

Good times last night. hanging with TomCat, who now wants to be called something like Thomaso, Lil Sis (this was her idea, but says she's not committing to it so it may change), and one of her friends from school, a cat named Bret who works for Brooks Brothers as a tailor. Tom cat is obsessed with Asian women. I had never had a thing for Asian girls myself. They are certainly the current leaders in fashion now. the Asians are really stretching it. their eye is impeccable. Their fashion sense is out of this world. they are leading the pack right now. if urban culture once lead the pack in fashion, which they certainly did at one time, and still do to many, the Asians are going to revolutionize fashion soon. its happening now.

but still it was never my thing. tom cat spoke about his time in Korea as an English teacher and we all listened intently, learning a lot about what he calls that special something that is inbred in them over thousands of years that American women could never possess, in the way they know how to treat a man like a king. He speaks of them as some men speak about good cigars or fine wine or expensive cars. A gleam in his eye.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

New York is amazing today. 68 degrees and sunny. Just to sit in the park and write is difficult because there are so many beautiful people everywhere to look at and talk to. so many beautiful girls in New York. today as I was walking down Park Ave. I was looking at all the beautiful girls that pass you by, and sometimes you just have to watch them as they walk out of view because they are so beautiful and fresh and alive looking. And this is part of the joy and wonder of being a man and loving women in New York. With no intention, you just watch them and admire them. for me I love the girls with the dark hair and the Italian glasses. Forget about it. I almost drop dead from that look. I'm thinking, how could we ever choose just one? how would we ever know which one to choose? I swear to God you could fall in love ten times in a day and not even notice it. falling in love is easy. staying in love... now that's the challenge...

it has to be something magical involved in the process. Something that tells you ‘this is the one’ and that makes you forget about all the others. I am longing for that now. not that I haven't been for years now, but the other fantasies have either been lived and experienced or don't seem as important now compared to that. so we wait for that something magical that just blows you away and takes a hundred and ten percent of your attention... someone you can become slightly obsessed with I guess and that can occupy all of your attention so there isn't any left for all the other birds out there you haven't had opportunity to be with. As I was walking I had this realization...  that... ‘she too waits to meet you.’ it was a whisper in my ear by the angels I believe. that simple. But profound. She too waits to meet the man of her dreams. and that is quite a comforting thought. So I just kept walking on, and lifted my head a bit higher and realized that one needn’t worry too much about it. relax and allow.

Made me think of Cleopatra. Always something so tragic there. all I wanted to do was protect her from that. and yet I knew I couldn’t. what could I really do? but still, I carried it with me from the moment we met. Always trying to protect her... eventually I came to realize that I couldn’t. it wasn't up to me. it was something carried inside of her. I could talk her down, but I couldn’t eradicate the fear and anxiousness. It just wasn't for me to do. but still, even today, I still feel called to it sometimes when I hear that in her voice. Maybe that's just the man in us. that wants to protect and comfort and heal and provide safety and security to our beautiful little loved ones.

Liner notes for new album:
When we were rehearsing for the new CD, we had a lot of songs to choose from. I knew I wanted to record an album called Girls and just record all the songs each of us had ever written about girls. Maybe have one disc of new, unreleased songs about girls, for we are always writing them, and then another disc as a freebie that would contain a compilation of all the songs about girls collected from other already released albums. just for fun really. humor me on this one. I know that's what the guys in the band have been doing about it. as they always do.

So while we rehearsed all these songs about girls, we also rehearsed others as well. songs that didn't seem to fit in anywhere. Perhaps another album. Solaris and we are columbine and Zion and the rest of them. Soon a set of songs appeared that all seemed to go together. they had the same vibe. Maybe not the same style, which has always been my Achilles heal as a song-writer. My eyes are bigger than my stomach so to speak. Always wanting to take on more than I can handle or more than you are meant to on one album maybe. That has always been according to critics at least a burden that I was all too willing to bare regardless of the criticism because frankly as an artist I just enjoy doing whatever the hell I want to; and as a music fan I just really enjoy lots of different musical styles. I've never enjoyed listening to a whole album all the way through. Not even by my favorite artists. Call it ADD, whatever, that's just me.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

I just spent the last three hours on this website classmates.com. I don't know why. I just saw it advertised somewhere for the millionth time and decided to check it out. wow. I was so overwhelmed by the realization of how long it has been. so long ago indeed.

Everyone on there is married or was married. Maybe you have to be married to post there. obviously not. but what is it about people getting married... I love the idea of marriage if it weren't so permanent. Five year term with an option to renew would be more like it. are we trapped by a ... never mind. Of course we are. I only started the statement in the form of a question as a pretense not to offend others. indeed, humanity, westerners I should add, are trapped by an ideological persistent mass of beliefs (a belief cluster that seems very real) in consciousness that we call marriage. Lets break it down. The individual beliefs inherent in the belief system would be something like the following:
•    Eventually we have children.
•    If we want children we need to be married.
•    we want to be married. We feel called to it. feels like something that we should do. 
•    Everyone gets married
•    Its just something you do
•    If you love someone you marry them
•    Marriage is forever. it lasts forever
•    When you are married you are monogamous.
•    Divorce is not such a good thing. still taboo although accepted.
•    But if you do get divorced you can get married again.
•    And again.
•    I suppose there are many many more all tied up together in this cluster. One could add many beliefs about religion and God if they are inclined that way.

Its funny, but I too am feeling a very strong desire to get married and have children with my life now. especially after going to this site. Why? I don't know.
seems like once you get married you have accomplished something, and yet, anyone can get married. And absolutely anyone can have children. Not really anything easier to accomplish on the face of the earth really. Have sex. have children. So there has to be more to it than all of that. for me I've always avoided marriage like the plague up until this point. People always ask you, ‘well what are you waiting for?” But I always feel that it’s the opposite. “what are we rushing into it for?” don't people know that its forever? what's the rush? Its not like you can go back and change your mind once you do it.... I mean, once married that's it. you're locked in. except in the mind of Fishy, there is no five year term with any options to renew. You're either staying in it for life or your going to get divorced... scary thought. What would you like for breakfast today? cornflakes or cornflakes?

O.k. enough about marriage. Hey when you know, you know. and for now, I don't know. perhaps one day I will. until then I will continue to live large and explore the great adventures that life has to offer. Again, there is always time to get married. That's for sure. No hurry there. at least not for us menfolk. but once married, there is no more time. you're pretty much locked in for life. unless you live in Hollywood or Beverly hills and then of course you just get divorced and move on...

But wow. this whole classmates.com thing. has it really been that long? what the hell have I been doing with my life? so little to show. So little accomplished. So much more to do... who the hell am I? who have I been? What am I doing with my life? am I even close? Am I even living? Who the hell am I?

Amnesty slams U.S. on Human Rights

Amnesty slams U.S. on Human Rights

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 Posted: 6:42 AM EDT (1042 GMT)
LONDON, May 25 (Reuters) -- Four years after the September 11 attacks on New York and Washington, human rights are in retreat worldwide and the United States bears most responsibility, rights watchdog Amnesty International said on Wednesday.

From Afghanistan to Zimbabwe the picture is bleak. Governments are increasingly rolling back the rule of law, taking their cue from the U.S.-led war on terror, it said.

"The USA as the unrivalled political, military and economic hyper-power sets the tone for governmental behavior worldwide," Secretary General Irene Khan said in the foreword to Amnesty International's 2005 annual report.

"When the most powerful country in the world thumbs its nose at the rule of law and human rights, it grants a license to others to commit abuse with impunity," she said.

London-based Amnesty cited the pictures last year of abuse of detainees at Iraq's U.S.-run Abu Ghraib prison, which it said were never adequately investigated, and the detention without trial of "enemy combatants" at the U.S. naval base in Cuba.

"The detention facility at Guantanamo Bay has become the gulag of our times, entrenching the practice of arbitrary and indefinite detention in violation of international law," Khan said.
She also noted Washington's attempts to circumvent its own ban on the use of torture.

"The U.S. government has gone to great lengths to restrict the application of the Geneva Convention and to 're-define' torture," she said, citing the secret detention of suspects and the practice of handing some over to countries where torture was not outlawed.

U.S. President George W. Bush often said his country was founded on and dedicated to the cause of human dignity -- but there was a gulf between rhetoric and reality, Amnesty found.
"During his first term in office, the USA proved to be far from the global human rights champion it proclaimed itself to be," the report said, citing Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay.
'Blurred distinction'

But the United States was by no means the sole or even the worst offender as murder, mayhem and abuse of women and children spread to the four corners of the globe, Amnesty said.
"The human rights abuses in Iraq and Afghanistan were far from being the only negative repercussions of the response to the terrible events of Sept. 11, 2001.

"Since that day, the framework of international human rights standards has been attacked and undermined by both governments and armed groups," Amnesty said.
The increasingly blurred distinction between the war on terror and the war on drugs prompted governments across Latin America to use troops to tackle crimes traditionally handled by police, the report said.

In Asia too, the war on terror was blamed for increasing state repression, adding to the woes of societies already worn down by poverty, discrimination against minorities, a string of low-intensity conflicts and politicization of aid, it added.

Africa too remained riven by regional wars and political repression, and the abject failure of the international community to take concerted action to end the slaughter in Sudan's vast Darfur region was a cause of shame.

Khan also condemned the United Nations Commission on Human Rights for failing to stand up for those supposedly in its care.

"The U.N. Commission of Human Rights has become a forum for horse-trading on human rights," she said. "Last year the Commission dropped Iraq from scrutiny, could not agree on action on Chechnya, Nepal or Zimbabwe and was silent on Guantanamo Bay."

It is fucking freezing here right now! I am shivering. Space heater is back out of the closet.
New York sucks. Sometimes. It sucks to live here. it is may 25th and everyone is walking around in winter coats still. it is raining and it is bitter cold. The subway was packed. Like sardines, some short fat lady with her elbow in my back. just nuts how everyone piles in there holding our breath and doing our best not to look each other in the eye. Shoved up against each other like cattle before the slaughter.

Went to check out loho studios in the lower east side. Cool vibe. Albert from the strokes was there. working on a solo album. Rufus just finished some work there. I will record M32 there as soon as I nail it.

Then later in a cab, I'm sitting in the back there and this thought comes to me ‘what if we get into an accident? Will I be quick enough to jump to the other side of the seat if someone smashes into us? just as I was thinking that, a minivan smashed into us, but time slowed down and I was quick enough to jump from one side of the car to the other to avoid getting smashed up. my body aches and my neck hurts now.

Within five minutes these guys are cutting a deal with each other. the guy who hit us gives the cab driver eighty bucks and they both bolt from the scene. New York.

The other thing is that you are always on edge here. if its not people screaming at all hours of the day and night in the 3000 sq ft townhouse you share with three to five other families, it’s the man with no legs dragging himself across the subway floor with a paper cup in his mouth asking for money. or some toothless old bag lady coming up to you on the street. Or some mad lunatic yelling at no one in the park scaring the shit out of everyone. My nerves are always on edge here.

One thing I notice is that if you are on your own, I mean if time is totally yours, to do with what you want, it is sometimes difficult to get yourself to do certain things, to get motivated to do stuff. I mean, its easy to do certain things you know. listen to music, write songs, write, watch DVDs, surf the Internet, read, use the bathroom, eat some food,
The woman upstairs screams about her husband all the time. almost every morning I am awakened by her insane yelling. She's either yelling at him or yelling about him. Now of course it is hard to think about rights and wrongs. if you are lucky you get to a certain point in life and you stop thinking about who's right and who's wrong, but maybe more like how can we make the situation the best that it can be for all involved. What bothers me most about this situation is that I am good friends with both the kids. Great kids. Little T is a genius I swear to God. he's 11 and he's writing songs like a 16 year old. He loves the stones the Beatles Dylan Bruce U2 Radiohead prince. a freaking 11 year old in this day and age of shitty Emo and screamo music – which is the shit that all the other kids listen to – already knows the good stuff. cool kid. they hide out in my apt all the time to get away from the screaming. Everytime I speak with the mom she is screaming about the ex. Kids have a problem in school, it’s the ex husbands fault. Everything. its all his fault. Now of course he says the same thing. I mean, they're both stupid for this. they're both probably right in their own ways, but their both stupid for not seeing what's really happening. and worse they're both heartless idiots for cutting the other one down in front of the kids.

One night she started in on her my husbands loser speech in front of my main man, the eleven year old. “are you retarded?” I asked her, right there on the steps in front of the kid...

Current spin: Richard and Linda Thompson, best of island years.

One of my girls was on the phone with tmobile and Motorola at the same time to try to figure out how to get the cell phone to back up the phone numbers onto the laptop.

Hey Sam,
Real quick data dump here. new album is doing very well. up and down. recently compared to Jim Morrison for my lyrics in a review. felt good of course. contrast that with an equal amount of bad reviews or worse, just pure ignoring us for the most part, and well you’ve got one roller coaster after another in my poor head and heart....

Congrats on you and xxx! How wonderful. Nesting. Aaahhh. I long for it once more.

Yes perhaps I have arrived because I now officially hate New York as much as I once liked it.... ugh is my feeling word for the day. yes, one day I would like to find a place as cool as New York but warmer and less noisy and less INTENSE.

John and T are good. the girls are good. John is stressed like all married corporate working fathers.... t is the model wife and mother... they live in Katy Texas now God love em and God hope I never have to go there.... LOL.

Spoke with Laura recently and she sounded rather chipper. In good spirits.

How are things with your mom and you? getting better?

San Diego? Heard its great. Enjoy the warmth...

Lets hang some time when you get back. I could always use some BKLN time.

Safe flight.

Seeing the conflict in action everyday right now with this CD of ours. one minute we’re stars and in the next minute we are nobodies. What a fucking roller coaster.

Gary = Gray,

Bill taking a shit

Not wasting my time with Tyler or someone else

I am shit. I am still so full of pretense that it drives me crazy. today I finally met someone who works in our office here after being here since October. You know, how hard it is sometimes to just put yourself out there and say hello...must change that.

Amazon.com right? very soon they will rule the free world.

Slowly but surely watching myself become a junkie yet again. the thing about being a junkie, whatever your pleasure, is that you tell yourself that if you are rich or successful that it doesn’t matter. That you can do it anyway. but its not true. you still get sucked in. and you still get sucked down. Just like you did when you were poor and unsuccessful. It doesn’t matter who you are, if you go all out on any drug trip you're going to hit bottom and eventually suffer. so the question that begs is if one knows this, then why would one still partake?

Current spin: belle and Sebastian, dear catastrophe waitress. I love this band. reminds me of phoenix and Donovan. Sounds like they are from the sixties.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

M32 log
Today was the official start date for the M32 album. Just me and a bunch of guitars in a rehearsal studio in the music building on 30th street in Manhattan. It felt good to get down to work again on a new project but this was difficult. The idea is a seemingly simple one: create an album that is made up of just guitar feedback. Two to four guitars in a room at once feeding back. and somehow make it musical, make it sound and feel good. Spent about four hours today. my head is killing me. discoveries: today I had two guitars feeding back the whole time. tomorrow I will try three or four. I need tube amps. Need effects processors. Need more reverb. Feedback is hard to manipulate. Playing just feedback is very difficult without feeling compelled to hit notes or make music of some kind which is exactly what I am trying not to do. I kept feeling a longing to play music on the guitar rather than just make noise or feedback. Also, I missed having drums. I missed having a beat going.... am I going at this wrong? should I add beats? My head is killing me. more left side. Ears are ringing. Have to wear ear plugs the whole time. but they muffle so much of the sound that you lose the vibe of it and yes that sucks. but still, unfortunately it’s a necessity. Man I'm feeling slightly fucked from this. thought it would be a touch easier. But it will actually be quite the challenge.

Hey I got the hiccups yesterday and I tried that technique with the fingers and again it worked within a second. You hold your forefingers as close as you can pointing to each other without actually touching and that's it. it is instant. Don't know why this works. I would never do this if I didn't have the hiccups. Would probably catapult me into another universe or through some black-hole or something.
Check this out: This is great. Everything he writes is almost always great.

It's interesting how letting go is actually, in some ways, letting something take hold of me, have its way with me.

Letting go is not banishing or throwing away. It's not necessarily saying
goodbye to something. It may be simply allowing it to fulfill its purpose within me.

So how does that actually work?

I sit down to meditate. One of my goals is to stop thinking about elephants.
And sure enough a huge elephant pops up in my consciousness. At first he
just stands there quietly. So I block him out. He appears behind me and raises his trunk and bellows.

If I demand that he go away all that will really happen is that he will do his
various dances to torment me.

But if I say, okay Elephant, here you are, do your thing, whatever you have to do, he will do his dance, use up his energy and I will be thinking about

Or, and this is a major flash, he may have something important to say that I
need to hear. There are lessons to be learned in letting go too. What I am
letting go of is my resistance.

When I am threatened by an idea I may try to reject it. My fear builds a wall. When I let go, I let go of the wall. I let go of the stick I am beating it with. I let go of the anger that is trying to scare it away.

I accept the idea in the sense that I allow it to travel freely in my
consciousness. But I don't defend it either. It's on its own, has to survive all by itself.

Fighting it or defending it gives it energy and staying power.

So I'm letting go of my own struggles, not the idea. The idea finishes itself off, wears itself out, dissipates, and I am left cleansed or enlightened.

Copyright © 2005  by John MacEnulty
5/24/05, St. Louis, MO

Emanations is now a BLOG at http://emanations.blog-city.com/

Current read: Silent Bob speaks by Kevin Smith. I love Kevin Smith. Good guy. smart. Witty. Funny as all hell.

And still reading the diaries of Brian Eno. This is a bible for me right now.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Free of Pretense

O.k. so what would “I am free of pretense” look like?
Been thinking a lot about it the last few days, been catching myself. I'll tell you, one thing I have noticed is that I mam just full of pretense. One thing about self development is this: once you set your mind to improving a certain aspect of yourself, you will immediately start to notice when you are showing up not as you prefer. If you're good and real and honest with yourself you really will be on the lookout of how you are showing up and you will see where you are and try in every moment to attempt to curb the behavior that you don't prefer. So one thing I notice is that I am just totally full of pretense. This doesn’t mean that I'm full of shit because I'm not for the most part. I still love myself and feel proud of myself and feel very much happy to be me. But what it is is that I am noticing more and more how full of PRETENSE I am. Whatever that means. For me I know what that means. And its something I want to change now. wow. Finally. Never even recognized it before. just always felt intuitively that there was something wrong still in me. something I couldn’t put my finger on....

could I, can I, do I want to, do I dare, just go for it balls to the wall honest to God real me free of pretense beingness? And again, what would that look like? Popcorn answers: I would be happier, much happier. I wouldn’t be comparing myself to everyone like I do now. I wouldn’t be always noticing that I am putting on airs for people. I wouldn’t be dropping names. Do I really drop names? Well, I don't know, but if I was being real and free of pretense I wouldn’t be that way. I would be myself all the time. I wouldn’t be trying to be a rock star. I would just be being me. God can you imagine me not trying to be a rock star all the time. I still feel most of the time that I'm not rock star enough. So in turn I am always trying to be more of a rock star. Imagine me just showing up as me and not worrying about whether or not I am rock star enough? Wow. i feel an immediate sense of calm and peace in me as I write it. I immediately think of lenny Kravitz, the rock stars rock star. If bono is writing the book on being a rock star, lenny Kravitz is writing the introduction to the book. Can Fishy fit in somewhere in between all that? well I don't know yet quite honestly. Can I make any money at all by just being myself. I think of Richard marx. The polar opposite of the rock star. My worst fear. Being Richard marx. Oh my God no!!! I scream inside. God please say it isn't so. please say I don't have to turn into a Richard marx or a Michael Bolton.

This is all going to come down to just trusting. I'm just going to have to trust that I'm good enough as who I am. Whoever that is. in this business people are always advising you to be more rock star. Think Jet, the Strokes, white stripes, the Killers, etc etc etc.... the makeup and the ripped up jeans and the cool euro-hair and the boots and the white belt... everyday I hear from one of our advisers or managers or publicists to be more like that. have to be more of a rock star they casually mention or eagerly offer as the answer to end all need for answers.... yep. I could keep trying to be that. sure. God knows that for ten years I've been trying to be a rock star. But I haven't achieved rock stardom from any of that. So what if I just let all that go and just explore who I am? Hhhmmm. O.k. fine. I'm there now. I will try. I will try to explore this new identity of “I am free of pretense” and see what comes out of it.

I tell Princess Little Tree at one point that I feel constipated. Why don't you go to the bathroom she asks. I don't mean like that sweetie. But my pockets are becoming full of all these little pieces of paper from all these notes that I'm taking and I'm not writing enough. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have to ask you if its o.k. if I spend some serious time writing tonight. do you mind? No of course not. but haven't you been writing every night? yes I have. but only like an hour a day. normally I write about four or five hours a day. she looks at me as if I'm mad. people love reading people. we love books and magazines and newspapers and movies and plays and now even blogs. But most people have no idea how much time writing takes. I'm working on those two different books and the diaries and taking notes on new albums and writing songs all at the same time, so only writing an hour a day is killing me. i have to write more or I'm going to get too backed up and upset and moody. Best not to go there. you read and I'll write o.k.? o.k.

Pictures of Tehran

Some recent pictures of Tehran, in Iran. When one sees these pictures, one does not immediately think of the Iran that we see on the news in America. An entirely different scenario comes into view really than the paranoid delusions the American government tends to try to pass on to the unsuspecting public. In America when we think of Iran we think of the third world, a manic people obsessed with bombs and religious and military fanaticism. And yet the more you get to know the city and its people, a very open minded and artistic nature begins to appear, very much still like the grand Persian empire we study in our youth. Such a sense of style they seem to posses. my prediction is that Iran is now opening up culturally, their soul is opening and is about to flourish. Not because of the revolution that created the current conservative Muslim government that controls them but in spite of it. they are ready for another cultural revolution, but it will come slowly and subtly and methodically this time. through their people’s understanding that making money is what changes societies, not overthrowing your government. (of course if this were true, America wouldn’t be the prisoners we currently are under this evil regime). In any case Iran is the youngest country in the world today. over fifty percent of their population is under the age of thirty. Their favorite country in the world is America. This is true. they love everything American. They are not against us or about to attack us. they feel threatened by us of course, because of what we are doing to Palestine and Iraq, but they love our culture. I'll tell you, the best thing we could do is overthrow both the American and the current Iranian governments and put in our own people controlled governments instead of these current corporate run ones. Take the current ones and put all these old guys in their boring old suits on an island somewhere in the pacific, give them a bunch of guns and bombs and let them fight it out as long as they want to or until they're all dead. Then we use the island as giant garbage dump for the whole world. that my friends is what we should really do.

So the Iranian people if you are lucky enough to know them, their hearts are open now and they are ready to join the western world and even more importantly carve out a special place of their own. let us hope they will still be able to maintain their own cultural identity and that America won't attack or attempt to control as it always seems to want to. I have a great feeling about the country and people Iran. There is something in the air about it, something I feel intuitively. Pictures below tell more than I can possibly muster up with words. something about Iran that is going to be spectacular once they fully release themselves.

[evolution: it is happening all over the earth now. a real cultural revolution in the soul of humankind. Again, in my opinion, in spite of radically conservative militant and intolerant governments like the current American, Chinese, Cuban, or north Korean or so many other governments and their grand schemes of deception and imperialism. The people are still forging onward and breaking new ground.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Wonderful weekend. Fig and olive, star wars movie, central park, Indian dinner, unity church, brunch with friends, four seasons for afternoon tea. I know I know, why would someone so anti-religion always be going to church all the time. well as soon as I figure that one out I'll let you know. maybe I'm hoping for a new kind of evolution.

Thinking about the Enron scandal from that movie that I just watched. Thinking about Boo Boo Kitty and what she and her brothers and sisters are going through with her sister’s recent treatment for breast cancer. She's only 30 years old but there it is and with both their parents being passed on, its up to them to deal with all the bill paying all on their own. but its hard. Its quite honestly a full time job. The health insurance companies job is to deny the claims. Period. The sister has cancer. She gets treated. The treatment costs hundreds of thousands of dollars. She is covered by medical insurance they think. but the insurance companies refuse to accept the bills or pay for them. they continue to deny the claims and so boo boo sits in her little apartment in mid town Manhattan with a floor full of bills and paperwork totally going out of her mind. Frustrated beyond frustration. Crying and pulling her hair out. they tell her ‘I'm sorry Miss, you'll have to call back between the hours of 9;30 to 11;30 or 1;30 to 4;30. that's the only time suo and so will be available to speak with you....” so what if Boo Boo Kitty or her sister have jobs? what then? exactly. they are fucked. Just like everyone in America. I was deeply affected by this experience. I tried to remain cool and calm and appreciate her creation so as to support her as a good friend would. But inside I was boiling. I walked out of there that night and walked up fifth avenue fuming. America is a shit hole full of evil greedy money grabbers. Something must be done.

I awoke this morning with a revelation speaking to me in my dreams. it was as clear as day. At this point in America one is finally resolved to believe that we have no choice but to resort to absolute anarchy and violence to make the changes we need in this country. this was the message I saw and heard in my dreams. I shared the vision I had with Princess Little Tree and a few others at brunch this morning. “I have decided that we need to resort to violence in order to right how fucking wrong things are in this country,” I began.
“what do you mean?” asks Tom Cat.
“what I mean is that a fucking bomb needs to go off in some of the buildings where these health insurance companies are. plain and simple. Its not fair how things are here now. we are total fucking victims of how greedy and twisted and deceptive our country has turned into.”
“I think its just that things are so fucked now that everyone just says fuck it and tried to make as much money as they can and ignores what's going on around them. I know that's what I'm doing.” Tom says. “We’re not going to change things. its too far gone.”
“That's my point. You're a regular old normal thirty year old attorney and you've already given up on believing in America. So what's a regular old mother of two in Montana who's getting fucked in the ass by her job or by her medical insurance company or her credit card company supposed to do? she's fucking without hope. And that's what I mean. we could put an end to this in less than a year if we started going into these offices and shooting these fuckhead greedy bastards and dragging their asses out into the street for everyone to see that we aren't going to take it anymore.”
“Harsh words my brother. But I hate to say it, but I think you're right.”
“No no no.” protested Little Tree. “There's no excuse for killing people.”
“I would disagree with you there,” said tom cat. “if someone was trying to hurt your children you would have no problem killing them.”
“that's true. if someone was hurting my children I would want to kill them.”
“yes exactly. and that's precisely what's happening now all over our country. our children are getting hurt and killed by how fucking evil and fucked up things are. children are being denied medical treatment because of health insurance companies. Children are dying, people are dying because of health insurance companies. And almost worse than that, they're going fucking bankrupt even when they have health insurance. Because the rules are all set up on their side. And you think our congressmen are going to do anything about it? fuck no. because they already have health insurance and plenty of money. so they don't give a shit.”
“And plus bro that's where they get so much of their campaign money from. from the companies like that.”
“yep. That's what I'm saying. But I'm telling you right now. a few of these fucking ceos get a bullet in the head on their way to their car because some lady can’t pay for her husbands cancer treatment and we’ll see how fast this continues.”
“I can’t believe you are an Avatar and you talking like this. Fishy stop. You don't mean even mean it.”
“Honey, I do mean it. that's the thing. I know it sounds crazy. I know I sound like Anakin skywalker and I've sold my soul to the dark side, but you know what? this is the only way we are going to win this country back for the people. we are too far gone now. our country has totally been taken over by greed and money interests and no one does a fucking thing about it.”
    “What are you doing about it? what peaceful actions are you taking?”
    “Please. look at my website for gods sake. Do you know how much time and effort tand money I've spent and so many of the people that work for me have spent trying to educate and enlighten people to take action? How much I've protested and marched and been an activist the last five to ten years?”
    “Well that's true.”
    “yes I know its true. and all my friends too. I have friends all over the fucking country who have dedicated their entire lives to trying to change things for the better in this country. real hard core activists. And you know what? they haven't done shit. on most accounts they haven't done anything. But we all continue to promote the causes and preach the good work. But bush has still gone into Iraq and killed more than one hundred thousand Iraqis in less than two years. and everyone in America just sits around and pretends that it’s o.k. and you think that's right? that's killing people and yet Americans seem fine with it.”
    “But that isn't right either Fishy.”
    “Yeah I know. but try telling that to most Americans. They're too busy as tom says making money and thinking about themselves. And that's because our system is so corrupt that we have no choice but to be totally selfish and self concerned. We don't have time to think about Iraqis getting killed because we’re too fucking worried about how we’re going to pay the bank fees or the credit card aprs or the high health insurance monthly bills. So we let bush and his madmen do whatever the hell they want.... even if that means killing people in other countries. Even if that means fucking with our school systems or destroying our forests or selling us out to big companies like Enron...”
    “You make a good point man.” Tom says.
    “I know. and trust me. I wish it weren't this way. but it is. and my activist friends just aren't seeing what's really going on because they too now are so caught up in the paperwork and the beurocracy of how things are here that they go on day after day without noticing that they haven't accomplished shit. somewhere down the line I just woke up and realized that I don't believe in martin Luther king now, but instead with Malcolm X and the black panthers to use a simple analogy. we’re going to have to fight now. we’re going to have to rise up and start get violent if we are going to have any chance of having any rights whatsoever. Already what people deal with with their banks and their health insurance and their credit card companies is total bullshit. watch ho fast that changes if a few bombs go off and people start dying.”

now to be fair I am going to post the following article that someone just forwarded to me, because one it is really fucking good, and two, it is rather appropriate, seems significant, and may help balance the above rantings and ravings. So here it is:

Saturday, May 21, 2005

We can see the slow but constant cultural evolution all around us all the time. thought about candy the other night. yes candy. As always mom sends a ten pound box of it every year for Easter no matter where I am in the world. [this is just one of those awesome things about having a mom that you hope one day you can reciprocate. I return to my humble abode from being home for the holidays with a five pound Christmas stocking filled with gifts and candy and homemade cookies etc. then Easter comes around and I get these huge boxes of Easter candy, and then of course for Halloween the same thing... maybe she's secretly trying to kill me and Beav so she can take our money... LOL. but prob not. prob just trying to be sweet, forgive the pun, like moms do.] so I'm noticing that some Christmas candy had snuck into the Easter basket. How did I know this? because I was eating from a big handful of jellybeans and bunny and egg shaped chocolates when all of a sudden I realized that I was eating a bell shaped chocolate instead. of course one often doesn’t notice things like this. and just eats away, but with my limited lack of a life I was more than prepared to meet this challenge head-on and stop the whole damn event right there in its tracks. the problem was that these chocolate and peanut butter bells were my favorite treat in the whole damn fifteen pound box of sweets. And here they were bells left over from Christmas, somehow managed to surreptitiously jump out of my Christmas stocking obviously, and not having anything whatsoever to do with Easter. So what right had I to sit there eating from a box that was at best only pretending to be an Easter basket in the first place and then not even to be eating Easter shaped chocolates? Perplexed I was to say the least.

Anyway eventually I noticed that the bell shaped candies were actually made by the ever lovable Mr. Butterfinger. And that's my point. The major candy companies finally figured out after decades that they could take over the holiday candy market. And that in its own little way is evolution.

And let us not forget Monsieur Goozalu (the Persian word for “making wind” or passing gas) a very famous fartist from abroad. At first coming from the visual farts, he soon realized that if he added sound to his works of fart that he would win even more fame and prestige and literally could floor his audiences. His famous fart exhibits include the very popular annual ‘fart in the park’ among many others.

Last screening: star wars revenge of the sith. Yes I must admit that I was the one in case I disturbed you that yelled “Yew!” at the very beginning of the film when the intro appeared on screen. Just couldn’t help it. it has been a while hasn’t it and I was certainly as excited as anyone else there. But alas like the other two before it, just didn't quite cut it did it. by far the best one of the lot, but still left a lot to be desired. And one would mean that literally in this case rather than just cleverly copping a phrase to impress the next door neighbor in the knee high black leather boots. You do indeed walk away desiring a lot after sitting to watch these films. One wonders where is star wars? Where is that magic fairy dust that seemed to cover the first three when we were tiny tots. This one, wow, talk about bad dialogue versus no dialogue. Which was worse? The complete lack of story, sub-plot, or depth or the brief moments when we were forced to suffer through Samuel l Jackson pretend to be a Jedi master. Natalie Portman from what I can gather played a mannequin in a runway fashion show  many costume changes to mark her different appearances where she just stood with her mouth dangling open staring out large windows thinking one assumes ‘just which of those damned designers put this old football helmet on my head and how long do I have to wear it?’ haydon God bless him delivered probably his best performance yet which doesn’t say much because his performances in these lucas disasters to date have been any word you can think of which has a wose connotation than dreadful. But still, he did his best job in this one. about as believable being evil as mickey mouse would be or Kermit the frog. Speaking of Kermit, yoda was as always hilarious without intentionally trying to be the poor bastard, doing all these flips and still not getting after all these years that the verbs follow the subjects when you’re speaking English. The first hour or two was just a lot of video game fighting between God knows who for only God knows what in very fake plastic computerized looking worlds... But to be fair as always the scenery was quite fascinating and at times exhilarating to view on the big screen and one was in awe of the special effects and detail involved in putting it all together. but beware now I warn you of the scene where ewan McGregor is riding on the back of a rubber dinosaur chasing a robot riding in a metal donut. So yes this too like the other two leave you longing for the first ones. oh well. we still have those very first two at least. I have some friends who worked on this film and they say the problem is that because George is George and everyone is so damned impressed to be working with him that no one says anything, no suggestions or critiquing. So its George doing his thing with no input whatsoever. I believe in input as an artist. The more the better. I have another friend who is an assistant to Ron Howard and he says that working with Ron is the exact opposite. He is always asking for people’s opinions so his movies tend to be better, more collaborative efforts and I think that comes through on the big screen.

In the movie theatre right now waiting for the new star wars movie to start. I have this cool fucking leather bag in San fran that hangs just right and is small enough to carry my laptop over my shoulder with minimal discomfort and so now I carry it everywhere with me because its easy. and so right there in the theatre before the movie started I was able to whip out the old laptop and start writing. right there in the theatre? weird? maybe. But in New York no matter what you do it seems as normal and acceptable as crossing the street. God bless our beloved New York. may I never live anywhere else.

Friday, May 20, 2005

The thing about the Abraham-hicks stuff is that it is so easy. the science of deliberate creation they call it. go for the feeling that you want is the method. Go for the best feeling that you can get to they say. Can you imagine... feels really easy. scary, because we aren't used to this at all. aren't used to just trying to go for the good feelings if things around us aren't feeling good... you know? but they are saying this is the key to manifesting our hearts desires and dreams... reminds of the old adage, ‘be it, do it, have it.’ in other words, be it first, but this is more like, ‘pretend that you are it and start to feel it and vibe it and then you will notice that you are it.’ spoke with the king the other day who is really into the abe-hicks technology and was telling him that I totally vibe with it. it seems so there, so on, so pure and dead on right, but still just getting used to practicing the process of it. will keep you posted. I do feel better. But lost these days. a whole week where I just feel totally fucking lost. Not myself.

New York is cold again. it is mid may, and we are still cold. Shivering outside cold. Sweaters and scarves and jackets. This is eight months straight now of cold weather. its just fucking bullshit at this point. getting very tired of this.

though the spring has been extremely exhilarating. Everyone looks so beautiful. filled with life. they call it spring fever. Everyone so happy and excited. The neighborhood is so full of life and bustling activity. Last night I just walk out the door down the steps, walk across the street to hit the local sandwich shop, “you want a juice” they ask, knowing me from coming in everyday, ‘yes please, carrot beet celery please. then across the street to buy a few potted azaleas for the planter just beneath the window of my bedroom. They're fifteen each – with New York being about five times more expensive than the rest of the civilized world, but we bargain and I get four for thirty. And I love that about living in this beautiful quaint little neighborhood. Then I mosie next door sipping my carrot juice and carrying a box that holds four blooming azaleas to our little neighborhood bakery, squeeze a few loaves before finding just the right seven grain loaf, bs with the owner a bit inquire at exactly what time the fresh loaves are baked – six am if you want the absolute freshest he tells me – and then I run across the street to buy some Spanish oil from the gourmet market across the street from the Koreans that own it. let me tell you something, New York is everything and then more than you dream it is. it is like living no where else. good and bad. The subway still completely sucks ass and if it not for my willingness to stay open minded and look for how interesting it is with all the freaks and crazies I would truly hate it.

Going out, dating, seeing each other, going steady... what is the right way to say it? isn't that funny...

Current spin: Nicolas Peyrac, toujours une route. His best of two disc set. A French acoustic singer songwriter. 

Thursday, May 19, 2005

For a few days my laptop which I carry everywhere as if one of my very limbs had been acting up. instead of going into hibernate when I would be traveling, it would just shut off.  I would lose track of everything I was working on at the time. normally I never turn it off. Leave it running for weeks and months at a time. hit the road and it hibernates. Bring her back to life and I'm back up and running. But not lately. Frankly I think it was all the up and down the hills on that scooter in San fran, or just a abnormally shitty laptop because this is the third motherboard I've had on this baby in less than a year. anyway, two days ago its running very slowly, I control alt delete and notice that the cpu is running at 95% doing absolutely nothing. Uh oh. A few seconds later a get the dreaded blue screen. Uh oh. I reboot and nothing. Doesn’t power up. a light here or there but nothing. Doesn’t power up. nothing. Call tech support and it looks like the worst (not really the worst because honestly these things are essentially worthless boxes of plastic and metal save for the hard drive. The hard drive IS the machine itself. The hard drive is truly at this point one of our very limbs. The rest is just replaceable machinery). But still, prognosis being that the motherboard is bad again. fine. I'm out of the laptop for 48 hours. Wow. 48 hours without email Internet outlook or being able to write in any form. Like being lost in space with no contact with the real world... which of course is ludicrous but precisely how it feels. But I took it as a sign that I should get to work more on the television show and actually complete the project and depend less on the laptop, on the computer itself. And I did. I had a marvelous day yesterday knowing that I had no access to a computer. It was great. So I'm back up now and writing for the first time in two days. feels good though. [found a solution, besides of course always backing up to an external hard drive which I do everyday now anyway, two of them actually, because I'm fucking paranoid, but dell said I could get the same model and just keep it as a spare. Not use it, and if one laptop goes bad you just take out the hard drive and put it in the other one and you won't even notice the difference. Of course this is an expensive solution, but a worthy one I would think.

Francis came up from Miami for business here in the city and we spent some time together the last two nights. A tragic figure she has turned into. will pen something about her called the Francis Tragedy. She drinks way too much and still depends on anti-depressants. We got into a mild argument in a cab on the way to dinner and on our way home from dinner. But we have slept together of course, years and years ago, and so our fights are acceptable to us I suppose and just part of the brother sister dynamic that we’re lucky to have with our closest friends of the opposite sex. friends are not easy to keep long term. At least that's one belief. So we cherish it and take our heated exchanges in stride. I'm telling her I care about her and she should look into some kind of alternative means of exploring how she is these days rather than just traditional medicine and doctors and maybe venture off into Avatar or some other course to really create happiness for herself.... she starts yelling at me in this cab and I'm a little buzzed from a few glasses of sangria so I'm not really being affected by it too much. But then she attacks me further and says that my life is a mess but I don't see it because I live in a dream world... she says that I am an embellisher... you think I'm an embellsher? I respond in a very Seinfeld manner and it forces her to laugh... but she continues because she is drunk. you're so creative and fun loving but you’re not happy either Fishy. she tells me. you're all pretense... at first I argue. But then I am quiet.

I stare out the window. There is a message here. in fact, what more do I hate about myself than this. if there is anything wrong with me still after all these years of processing and exploring it is this. and I know it. there it was placed before me at my feet. Yes it is true I am thinking. I am full of pretense. So much so that I cannot even stand to hear myself speak sometimes. She was right. there is a lot of pretense there. and for some, pretense is a-o.k. yes. in fact in our celebrities both in music and Hollywood we accept the pretense. We love the pretense. So for all my life I just always thought it was part of it. part of who I was. of course I am full of pretense I am thinking. that's my job. Unfortunately that's just part of being me with what I do. but that didn't sit right with me for too long. maybe an hour or so and then I didn't feel satisfied with that answer. I knew it was bullshit. I knew I was bullshitting myself just as I bullshit myself and others about almost everything. and then I tell myself that that's just part of the job...

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Humanism as Religion

The only true religion of humankind now is humanism. Our true heroes will come in the form of non-religious people; people who honor cherish and respect the religions of humankind but who are committed to and guarantee that they do not belong to any of them... even our Jewish brothers and sisters whose allegiance to their own religion has seemed to come more from a survival of their race/people than from a purely religious or spiritual desire... even them... we are at a point where we need leaders and heroes in the form of non-religious people that can rise up and guarantee that no religious dogma or blind ideology will taint their point of views or better judgment.

As its been said before, if God has a problem with that, he will surely let us know; and we welcome him, and stand ready to listen. But until that time, since so much evil and mediocrity has stood before us and attempted to destroy us in times past in the name of God, we have no choice but to begin to demand that God plays no further part in the decisions that affect our lives.

And again it is not a matter of intolerance, but a matter of clear-mindedness. The most spiritual and holy people I have known in my short time here on earth have always been the ones who were free from the grip of any one religion; respected them all, but ascribed to none of them exclusively. I have always been fascinated by this. it is as if they held some secret key to enlightenment that most never grasped, myself included. The religious among us will rise up and preach about morality, that without religion there is no morality, but be forewarned that these are immoral people who are still being born and/or reared without an understanding of the inherent morality that is within each of us from conception. One need not religion in order to be moral any more than one needs money to have class or manners. these are the myths that help the rich and powerful disguised as religious to control the poor and vulnerable. Some of the smartest people I have ever known have been uneducated in the traditional sense, and some of the dumbest people I have ever had the amusing misfortune of becoming acquainted with have held high degrees the likes of which I will never be able to afford.

In the future the tables will be turned, and the wrongs righted, and we will look back on our age of religion as a long series of unnecessary evils that shed much blood and caused us much confusion as a people.

Quick notes: can we create/understand/know/discover the/a concept of a higher power without humanizing it? without personifying it? can we find courage strength and inspiration without religion? Without gods and goddesses?

For myself, I believe it maybe too late. at least spiritually. For what I believe to be true intellectually is still heavily conflicted with what the soul of the inner child within me wants to believe. The God concept is so ingrained in me from being raised so religiously from birth that I am afraid I will always equate a higher power, morality, strength, courage, inspiration with some kind of God concept, even if subconsciously, if not deliberately... but for future humans, there is hope that there is a chance that we can begin to teach strength of character, ethics, moral courage, and divine inspiration without the need for religious dogma or half-truth ideologies. The survival of our entire species now depends on this dream. Whereas in times past perhaps we felt our only chance of survival was by a dependence on a God, on prayer, on dogma, on ritual... but we have seen through the millennia the error of this thinking and we have lost enough of us. I think that we would all agree that we have lost enough of us, as they say, ‘in the name of God.’

If we are going to venture to do anything ‘in the name’ of anything from this point forward let us do it ‘in the name of humanity.’ If that is not just cause enough, then let it not be done.

Last screening: the preceding ramblings were brought to you by the latest ridley Scott film, the kingdom of heaven starring Orlando bloom, which dealt with the Christian/Muslim battle for Jerusalem, which Rome had originally stolen from the Jewish people. Good movie. Great action scenes. Well scripted and acted. Liam neeson seems only to play brief roles where he dies within the first ten minutes now. For an historic epic it was quite perfect. will help build the peace and understanding I believe.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

GEMS music and film festival for two days.

The faster we move, the faster we ‘get there.’ if you are encountered with a decision that you need to make, deciding what to decide could be the hardest part, and cause some stress, but once you make the decision, then it just comes down to taking the action. The longer you wait to take the action the longer you remain stressed. Not easy sometimes, but the faster you take that action, the faster you get to the next place. and although it is challenging sometimes to honor our knowing and the decisions we must take from that knowing, there comes a settling into a higher place of peace from it. be rest assured.

Last screening: belle de jour. The French classic. Proves once again that the French are creative if not completely degenerate.

Languages of the World 

With close to 7,000 languages in the world, the ones shown below are spoken by the most people. 

(Native speakers only) - (their primary language) 

Chinese Mandarin 874 million 
Hindi 366 million 
English 341 million 
Spanish 323 million 
Bengali 207 million 
Portuguese 176 million 
Russian 167 million 
Japanese 125 million 
German 100 million 
Korean 78 million 
French 77 million 
Chinese, Wu 77 million 
Javanese 75 million 
Chinese. Yue 71 million

You see its tricky. I thought that I was spending all these years learning all of the most popular languages in the world so I could increase my communication with as many people as possible, and sure English and Spanish and even Portuguese pop up in the top ten, but you don't see Italian or French... so o.k. I'm not completely wasting my time. But still, the results are surprising, no? I mean, 874 million people speak Chinese? And then Hindi? Wow. that would be a Stretch. To learn those languages. One could do it. certainly. But it wouldn’t be a three month crash course that's for sure.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Listening to a little Robbie Williams, a guilty pleasure – I can hear Mohdie now, he would be laughing hysterically. But you know there's something I like about this light glitter-pop. For a second I sat and contemplated this new album we are working on and wondering if I should just go for making something real poppy and commercial.... perhaps if someone else was footing the bill... but at this time when so much of our own is being put into the creation of these great works of art, I quickly rethought the idle chatter and allowed it to leave my mind. When in the end if it isn't about making great art, whether poppy and commercial or grand and eccentric, then what is its purpose. And great art simply means doing what you love. Creating something that you will love and be proud of forever. my heart is not in poppy and commercial. Not now at least. In fact I think NIC fit that bill pretty well. I would like this next one to be more like a movie. Deep dark rich... hold on, is it a candy bar? Or a new album? But yes, something like that... simple at first, and yet complex underneath. This is what I am feeling now for it.

An unbelievable fickle season in New York. now it is cold again, like winter. Its 50 degrees again. and we’re in mid may. Goes back and forth every few days... Very strange weather we are having here. I'm fucking freezing all of a sudden.

What is love? Is it just need?

Last screening: ma vie en rose. Liked it. a seven year old boy thinks he's really a girl. Dresses up in girls clothes and wears makeup. Reminded me of me growing up. my family was so concerned. Drove my grandfather and father and step father crazy. I don't think they knew how to handle it. Went to therapists and everything. but it was just my sense of style. I never had any homosexual urges or anything like that. at least none that I would care to admit to. Always really liked girls, more than that even, loved them. too much probably. So there was never a problem there, (not that that would be a problem mind you, at least for me) but just really liked the female sense of style and fashion more than the male, which is getting better, but still not half as fun as what women are allowed to do with it... they have all the fun. sometimes when I am in the park I watch all the men walk by in their suits... so predictable, so the same, boring, conservative, unstylish, nothing new or exciting. no fancy hats or scarves or shoes. I am glad I do not have to dress like that. I would go fucking mad.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Speaking about when you're in a cell phone conversation and it gets cut off or someone never receives your email or your voicemail.... She tells me, “there's so many unfinished sentences out there in cyberspace from me to you... one of these days we’re going to be up there, out there, looking at them all... it’s a story in itself.” I will make this a song.

The divorce still rages in my apt/townhouse here on the very posh and quaint upper east side. The family above me constantly fighting screaming yelling throwing things slamming doors, all of them suffering. I try not to get involved but have a good friendship with all of them, especially the eight and twelve year old boys. They come over when they want to. just knock on the door. Manhattan is so funny like that. the square footage of this entire townhouse is about the size of the house I just sold in Miami. and yet here there are four families living here. each of the apts only about 400 to 800 sq ft. funny huh. Perspectives. Anyway, the boys come downstairs and let themselves in or knock till I let them in. ‘o.k. listen,’ I tell the younger brother, ‘if you knock and I don't answer and then you knock again and I don't answer, do you know what that means?’ ‘it means you're not home...’ ‘right. it means I'm not home.’ ‘but sometimes you are home and you still don't answer.’ ‘well yes. that's true. but if you knock and I don't answer, and you think I'm home, that means that I'm either sleeping, taking a shower, using the bathroom, or I'm hanging with a beautiful girl, right?’ he blushes. ‘and so in any of those cases, you just have to pretend I'm not home, you dig what I'm saying?’ ‘o.k.’ he answers and then rushes into the apt...

When I am home and I answer we have good times. we all sit around and play the guitar, or I write while the older one plays me his newest songs he's written while the younger one jumps up and down on my bed or the couch, a privilege he is probably not allowed at home. then we eat cereal till we’re stuffed and watch concert DVDs and I try to explain how the divorce will soon be over and everything will be fine.

Their divorce mirrors my own break up with Cleopatra, which unbelievably still lingers after over four years now. but luckily we are very much near the end now. I never should have allowed the things I did and know that now. hindsight is always 20/20 of course. once a Princess always a Princess I suppose I thought and so I thought it was my duty to kind of let the little Princess do whatever she wanted to, no matter how much it damaged me or compromised my life or her integrity. It took me a long time to understand that I was not serving either of us by just being unconditional. Harry palmer wrote somewhere that ‘you should never flow love to someone who is attacking you.’ it took me so long to get that. we just assume that being enlightened and spiritual means letting people walk all over you. but it doesn’t. One thing I do get out of this divorce the people upstairs are enduring is that it makes my situation with Cleopatra seem so much easier and less charged. Takes my attention off of it.

Sometimes late at night when she is tired Princess Little Tree cries because she is overwhelmed by a feeling of uncontrollable loneliness, as if she is all alone in the world and has no one. I cannot speak logic to her. she just needs to cry it out. I understand. Sometimes I am overcome by this feeling myself. It is easy to let yourself feel abandoned and betrayed by people when we have given our all and more and then they disappear or betray us in some way. it is never easy to handle this. it will always be a challenge I am sure. My dearest brother and compatriot Bas almost refuses to speak with me now till all the business between Cleo and I is worked out because he says it is easier for him. for me it is very sad, hurts a lot. I obsess on it at times and find it difficult to focus on work. I don't blame him but I blame him. so to speak. How do we know when to give our love? How do we know if something is going to last forever? if we are o.k. in giving our love and commitment and friendship and loyalty to another? Is it only for reciprocation? For mutual benefit? Or can we rise above that and just do it unconditionally? I guess that's where I am now... wondering if I man enough to do that... and move on.

I'll tell you, this is the year where Fishy grows into a man. After all these years, who would have known? at least he is seeing that manhood is upon him. whether or not he will rise to the occasion is another story. That is the question to the story isn't it?

It has been a perilous journey. I have lost a few battles the last three years. mainly with my higher self. feeling like a fighter who's got the wind knocked out of him sometimes. Waking up days or weeks or months later and trying to remember what happened... Made a few mistakes along the way. but I'm slowly rebuilding. Shaking old habits and rekindling old friendships.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Realizing that I am slowly coming out of this creation I have about girls where I bond with them as friends and then get a little too close, the lines get blurred between friendship and lovers and once that happens its harder to get to a place of just pure appreciation for each other as friends, you know. its almost like profaning something that could be very sacred by overstepping your boundaries... G2 tells me that he falls in love ten times a day and so does just about every other guy, but that's just the justifier, the rational. I really wanted to explore that in myself and see what it was and try to get control of it and then see if wanted to continue to create it. an immature identity in me that just reacts out of a non deliberate need for attention from the opposite sex that is on automatic that I created from some childhood trauma probably. Prob some girl turned me down when I was like six on the playground or something and ever since then I've been trying to win that girl back in every girl I see. Something like that you figure... but that doesn’t really matter, the why almost never matters in getting control and then discreating creations that we don't prefer. (therapists/psychologists will argue with you on that one, but they are still thinking that creations take years to heal or cure because they spend all their time and their patients time looking for the why instead of just letting go of the creation itself.) anyway, slowly I am wrestling it to the ground and getting control of it so I can relate to girls like people and not just as ‘girls.’ That would be an unbelievable accomplishment. Something I've been working on lately and notice it is starting to take hold. I can’t say I'm there yet but at least I am starting to see it, watching the monkey as they call it. watching myself do it, appreciating it, and choosing not to do it.

[this reminded me of my school principle in tenth grade. I was attending a private Christian academy, my third of five high schools, my parents attempt at trying to find a way for me to somehow graduate... and this guy had me in his office every few days. and he was preaching to me about behaving myself saying ‘I'm forty five years old and I'm married with two kids.... don't you think I'm out there on the street thinking of being with all these girls all the time? but I don't. I use self control... I thought the guy was crazy for talking to a fourteen year old about that kind of stuff. couldn’t figure out why he was telling me all that. I just wanted out of his office. wonder whatever happened to that man...]

Someone commented the other day that they feel a constant sense of unease now that gw bush was re-elected in the United States, as if any minute something really bad was going to happen. I am afraid, and I will take one hundred percent responsibility for this, that I have been feeling the same way. someone at the studio is listening to the news right now and I cannot hear what they are saying but my whole body is tensed up right now, so afraid that it is some really bad news that we have been attacked or that he has attacked someone else like Iran or Korea or who knows who... what a weird time to be American. Better not to pay attention to the news at all these days. if the final days come, let them come as a surprise. Let me and my loved ones be well-fed and having sex when it happens.