Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Sept 28th Another dream of killing
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Sept 26th Reeling. Thinking in poeming.
Sept 26th
All day symposium at columbia university regarding the furtherance of tibetan culture and the curriculum there. a small group of less than 300 of us. His holiness the Dalai Lama was there, his first time in the US in some time. Richard Gere was there of course. Robert Thurman. it is fascinating to me that the United States still supports china’s occupation of tibet when the dalai lama is so popular all over the world, and yet calls its occupation of Iraq “operation freedom.” Utter hogwash. But a none too subtlly ironic sign of just how ignorant and generally gullible the American people are. not a bad get together for the most part. Met a lot of cool people. most of the conversation was way over my head though.
Reeling from poeming. Thinking in poeming now. poeming in thinking. poeming in speaking.
Yes that is where I am now.
It has been a rebirthing...
Shape shifter too
or
You will never be brought back around
You will never be brought back around
Though you’ll try
But in the blink of an eye
(Or the bat of an eyelash)
I am indeed behind you
And in front of you too
As you shudder and tremble
Late kissing Future kissing
Shape shifting Sword whispering
Time sifting
Through your heavenly hourglass frame
One grain at a time
Till my eyes are no longer denied
I may whirl like a dervish
But my heart rings as true
(and indeed this is what may frighten you)
As the bell at Saint Mary’s
Struck at the hour of midnight
Under a full moon
With you lying naked
And wanting
And yet fully clothed
For fear of your heart again abandoned
I stand at the top of this mountain
Sword drawn and glistening
Torch burning holding
Lips wet
To sing of your praises
In a falsetto tongue
Though my heart never sated
As you cling to your cries
Of a future broken-fated
Dare
Try
Bleed your veins dry
In your daydreams
And seize every moment
But do not mistake
The favor of this sun
For a horse who can run
Without feeding
In your worm-holed mind
With your heart barely bleeding
You pierce the protector
And leave his receding
While you wait for your
Paper prince charming
Yet he stands at that mountain top
(though you claim not to see him)
Still singing your praises
In wet dreams
On rocks
In the streams of his gazes
Your paper walls
No match for his fire
Which melt them
And in so revealing
A floor-boarded heart
Naked shining and reeling
From a love that you never dared feeling
Sept 25th
-----Original Message-----
From: Fair Maiden Juliet [mailto:fairmaidenjuliet@xxx.edu]
Sent: Tuesday, September 27, 2005 4:57 PM
To: .: Fishy
Subject: RE: julia butterfly
boy have you been on my mind.
i got the message about the rocket ship, how is coming by the way?
you talking about julia butterfly hill? did polly tell you about that?
decided that i am going to learn mandarin, starting this year. it is aligned with what i want to study and where i want to be on my 40th birthday.
Fishy Fishy Fishy were you at the d.c. protest?
do you know what a touchstone is?
back to researching here in ye olde repository of knowledge.
do you know who alex grey is? ( i think that's the name-- new yorker--painter-- sacred transformational anatomy and...)
love YOU
cheers-----Juliet
JULIIIIIIEEEEEEETTT I miss you!!!!
You and Polly told me about julia hill. You told me I would fall in love with her. I believe I did. our rocket ship is coming along, slower than I expected... tell Okie and Athena to hang on...
You are going to learn mandarin? Wow. AFTER fucking French I want to learn an Asian language... I love the sound of them. and china would be your best bet. Economically speaking I mean... they are the new king on the block. did not go to the protest physically but sent out a message from the General. Did you receive it? a classic flash movie. Let me know. a touchstone = julia hill and her tree sit, or the 1999 Seattle protests, or the time I got my first period... yes? the first time I had sex with Annette from down the block... wow... Alex grey is a cult hero to many right now... I want to hook with that mofo. But I am so fucking broke right now I am having difficulty doing the usual ambassador activities. Keep up the good work Jules. See you soon. love you too. F
Sept 24th
More...
The feminine says la la la la la la. C'mon lets play. The masculine says o.k. but kiss me. the fem says no way. that's gross. I don't feel that way about you. the masc says I know I know. I don't feel that way about you either. but kiss me anyway. The masc doesn’t know what to do with what they are experiencing... he tries to fit it into the boxes he knows best. its just that dance between the fem and the masc. and its beautiful and lovely and exhilarating. If not a little frustrating... that's all. but I will tell you this my love. You are not alone in it.
Sept 23rd
The big rich countries of the world are trying to bully the country of Iran to stop attempting to harness nuclear energy because they “don't believe” they are doing it for peaceful means – meaning that they may not be using it just for energy. They might be using it to build nuclear weapons... the irony of course is that the rest of these countries that are doing this to Iran all have large nuclear arsenals of nuclear weapons themselves already... hey as long as we can keep them below us so they can’t protect themselves then we can keep doing whatever we want to them... one assumes that's the idea... big bad bully imperialism at its finest. So they are threatening to impose economic sanctions on the country and its people. that's called blackmail in the real world of course. but in the fake world, they call it ‘starving the people of a country to force their government to do what we want because we are bigger and richer....) I'm so sick of the big tyrannical governments of the world. if they don't want Iran to have nuclear weapons then they might try to get rid of their own first, or shut the hell up.
Last screening: butterfly, the story of julia hill, known as butterfly, the girl who sat in that tall tree in cali in 97 to try to stop Pacific Lumber from cutting it down. [she stayed there for two years and got them to agree to protect 200 acres surrounding that tree finally before coming down.] Totally inspiring must see if you are activist minded. You will fall in love with her. Be inspired by her. she is a Princess. My God people what are we doing? What the hell are the rest of us doing if one person can do that?
--------------------------------------
A note on violent activism: studying the history of the Tsars of Russia, one is quickly and very effectively reminded of how violence in activism for positive social or political change is NOT the answer that WE are looking for. there was the time in the late eighteen-hundreds or early nineteen hundreds when this revolutionary group who was trying to free the Russian people from the tyrannical clutches of the tsars, and their device was to try to kill him. I don't remember which tsar it was. perhaps Alexander. And here is the irony. He knew there was a problem. he knew that things needed to change. He knew the people weren't happy. and he started the first parliament ever in Russia. He began making more and more changes to head the country to a more democratic system. But this revolutionary group who had good intentions but who were just misguided felt that the only way for total freedom and democracy was for them to kill the tsar. They attempted to assassinate him about ten times and finally they were successful – believe it or not sending something like five separate suicide bombers at once to his carriage. And that finally got him. But what happened was that then he became this kind of martyr to the average ignorant masses of Russia, and his son then became tsar and used this killing of his father- -the patriarch of the Russian people type of a propaganda tactic – to totally strip all the positive reforms that his father had initiated over the years and take the country back to complete autocratic rule even disbanding the parliament.
There was a good lesson in that for me. we are not out to kill or do violence. We must remember that is what we are fighting against. These Russian revolutionaries no matter their end goal or intention were wrong. they made a mistake. Not just morally. But in the end, they ended up reversing many of the goods that other activists had accomplished over the years for the great country of Russia. An important lesson and something we need to remind ourselves of when we get angry....
The other big lesson to be gained from this Russian revolution is that in the end because they weren't organized well enough and well versed enough in democratic systems they ended up going from the tyranny of the tsars right into the just as tyrannical clutches of Lenin and his twisted version of communism, which was just as bad on the people. just as autocratic and tyrannical and not-democratic.
Of course the French revolution brought us napoleon, a truly insane, though brilliant perhaps, evil murdering fuckhead bastard. So the bigger picture for future generations of peoploids is that revolution is not even the answer at this point any more. not in the strict sense of what the word normally connotes to most of us.
Though a slower process, we need to shift subtly to increased evolution of our own system, the republic system or democratic system. but it has to be slow and subtle and organized.
All day symposium at columbia university regarding the furtherance of tibetan culture and the curriculum there. a small group of less than 300 of us. His holiness the Dalai Lama was there, his first time in the US in some time. Richard Gere was there of course. Robert Thurman. it is fascinating to me that the United States still supports china’s occupation of tibet when the dalai lama is so popular all over the world, and yet calls its occupation of Iraq “operation freedom.” Utter hogwash. But a none too subtlly ironic sign of just how ignorant and generally gullible the American people are. not a bad get together for the most part. Met a lot of cool people. most of the conversation was way over my head though.
Reeling from poeming. Thinking in poeming now. poeming in thinking. poeming in speaking.
Yes that is where I am now.
It has been a rebirthing...
Shape shifter too
or
You will never be brought back around
You will never be brought back around
Though you’ll try
But in the blink of an eye
(Or the bat of an eyelash)
I am indeed behind you
And in front of you too
As you shudder and tremble
Late kissing Future kissing
Shape shifting Sword whispering
Time sifting
Through your heavenly hourglass frame
One grain at a time
Till my eyes are no longer denied
I may whirl like a dervish
But my heart rings as true
(and indeed this is what may frighten you)
As the bell at Saint Mary’s
Struck at the hour of midnight
Under a full moon
With you lying naked
And wanting
And yet fully clothed
For fear of your heart again abandoned
I stand at the top of this mountain
Sword drawn and glistening
Torch burning holding
Lips wet
To sing of your praises
In a falsetto tongue
Though my heart never sated
As you cling to your cries
Of a future broken-fated
Dare
Try
Bleed your veins dry
In your daydreams
And seize every moment
But do not mistake
The favor of this sun
For a horse who can run
Without feeding
In your worm-holed mind
With your heart barely bleeding
You pierce the protector
And leave his receding
While you wait for your
Paper prince charming
Yet he stands at that mountain top
(though you claim not to see him)
Still singing your praises
In wet dreams
On rocks
In the streams of his gazes
Your paper walls
No match for his fire
Which melt them
And in so revealing
A floor-boarded heart
Naked shining and reeling
From a love that you never dared feeling
Sept 25th
-----Original Message-----
From: Fair Maiden Juliet [mailto:fairmaidenjuliet@xxx.edu]
Sent: Tuesday, September 27, 2005 4:57 PM
To: .: Fishy
Subject: RE: julia butterfly
boy have you been on my mind.
i got the message about the rocket ship, how is coming by the way?
you talking about julia butterfly hill? did polly tell you about that?
decided that i am going to learn mandarin, starting this year. it is aligned with what i want to study and where i want to be on my 40th birthday.
Fishy Fishy Fishy were you at the d.c. protest?
do you know what a touchstone is?
back to researching here in ye olde repository of knowledge.
do you know who alex grey is? ( i think that's the name-- new yorker--painter-- sacred transformational anatomy and...)
love YOU
cheers-----Juliet
JULIIIIIIEEEEEEETTT I miss you!!!!
You and Polly told me about julia hill. You told me I would fall in love with her. I believe I did. our rocket ship is coming along, slower than I expected... tell Okie and Athena to hang on...
You are going to learn mandarin? Wow. AFTER fucking French I want to learn an Asian language... I love the sound of them. and china would be your best bet. Economically speaking I mean... they are the new king on the block. did not go to the protest physically but sent out a message from the General. Did you receive it? a classic flash movie. Let me know. a touchstone = julia hill and her tree sit, or the 1999 Seattle protests, or the time I got my first period... yes? the first time I had sex with Annette from down the block... wow... Alex grey is a cult hero to many right now... I want to hook with that mofo. But I am so fucking broke right now I am having difficulty doing the usual ambassador activities. Keep up the good work Jules. See you soon. love you too. F
Sept 24th
More...
The feminine says la la la la la la. C'mon lets play. The masculine says o.k. but kiss me. the fem says no way. that's gross. I don't feel that way about you. the masc says I know I know. I don't feel that way about you either. but kiss me anyway. The masc doesn’t know what to do with what they are experiencing... he tries to fit it into the boxes he knows best. its just that dance between the fem and the masc. and its beautiful and lovely and exhilarating. If not a little frustrating... that's all. but I will tell you this my love. You are not alone in it.
Sept 23rd
The big rich countries of the world are trying to bully the country of Iran to stop attempting to harness nuclear energy because they “don't believe” they are doing it for peaceful means – meaning that they may not be using it just for energy. They might be using it to build nuclear weapons... the irony of course is that the rest of these countries that are doing this to Iran all have large nuclear arsenals of nuclear weapons themselves already... hey as long as we can keep them below us so they can’t protect themselves then we can keep doing whatever we want to them... one assumes that's the idea... big bad bully imperialism at its finest. So they are threatening to impose economic sanctions on the country and its people. that's called blackmail in the real world of course. but in the fake world, they call it ‘starving the people of a country to force their government to do what we want because we are bigger and richer....) I'm so sick of the big tyrannical governments of the world. if they don't want Iran to have nuclear weapons then they might try to get rid of their own first, or shut the hell up.
Last screening: butterfly, the story of julia hill, known as butterfly, the girl who sat in that tall tree in cali in 97 to try to stop Pacific Lumber from cutting it down. [she stayed there for two years and got them to agree to protect 200 acres surrounding that tree finally before coming down.] Totally inspiring must see if you are activist minded. You will fall in love with her. Be inspired by her. she is a Princess. My God people what are we doing? What the hell are the rest of us doing if one person can do that?
--------------------------------------
A note on violent activism: studying the history of the Tsars of Russia, one is quickly and very effectively reminded of how violence in activism for positive social or political change is NOT the answer that WE are looking for. there was the time in the late eighteen-hundreds or early nineteen hundreds when this revolutionary group who was trying to free the Russian people from the tyrannical clutches of the tsars, and their device was to try to kill him. I don't remember which tsar it was. perhaps Alexander. And here is the irony. He knew there was a problem. he knew that things needed to change. He knew the people weren't happy. and he started the first parliament ever in Russia. He began making more and more changes to head the country to a more democratic system. But this revolutionary group who had good intentions but who were just misguided felt that the only way for total freedom and democracy was for them to kill the tsar. They attempted to assassinate him about ten times and finally they were successful – believe it or not sending something like five separate suicide bombers at once to his carriage. And that finally got him. But what happened was that then he became this kind of martyr to the average ignorant masses of Russia, and his son then became tsar and used this killing of his father- -the patriarch of the Russian people type of a propaganda tactic – to totally strip all the positive reforms that his father had initiated over the years and take the country back to complete autocratic rule even disbanding the parliament.
There was a good lesson in that for me. we are not out to kill or do violence. We must remember that is what we are fighting against. These Russian revolutionaries no matter their end goal or intention were wrong. they made a mistake. Not just morally. But in the end, they ended up reversing many of the goods that other activists had accomplished over the years for the great country of Russia. An important lesson and something we need to remind ourselves of when we get angry....
The other big lesson to be gained from this Russian revolution is that in the end because they weren't organized well enough and well versed enough in democratic systems they ended up going from the tyranny of the tsars right into the just as tyrannical clutches of Lenin and his twisted version of communism, which was just as bad on the people. just as autocratic and tyrannical and not-democratic.
Of course the French revolution brought us napoleon, a truly insane, though brilliant perhaps, evil murdering fuckhead bastard. So the bigger picture for future generations of peoploids is that revolution is not even the answer at this point any more. not in the strict sense of what the word normally connotes to most of us.
Though a slower process, we need to shift subtly to increased evolution of our own system, the republic system or democratic system. but it has to be slow and subtle and organized.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Sept 22nd G2 sends me this link to a page of pictures of Iranian women
Sept 22nd
G2 sends me this link to a page of pictures of Iranian women. We are saying that we think maybe Iranian women are the prettiest in the world...
I'm looking at that these photos and I'm thinking... about the fact that in Muslim tradition its o.k. if a man marries up to four women as long as he can satisfy them all... I wonder if I could live in a Muslim country. just move from here and go do that.... and I wonder if I could find four amazing women that I loved equally who could all be satisfied with being one of four wives to me... they would all have to be friends I guess. They would all have to have really great lives apart from the relationship so they were satisfied whenever my interest was aimed towards only one of them completely so they wouldn’t get upset. How the hell do you pull something off like that? would one of them appeal to you more than the rest? Would I bond with one of them the most? Or would it trade back and forth from time to time. perhaps we could all be best friends and even have big group sex together. that would be awesome. and imagine the possibilities with children... I could have so many kids, it would be amazing. I could easily have eight to ten children. Man, I have to move to Iran or Egypt or somewhere like that. then there would be no problem with having Princess Little Tree as a wife. No worry about having children or anything. And she could bring her kids. Cause they're awesome. And Juliet of course, because of her soul and brain. She could even bring her boyfriend if she wanted to. I don't think I'd mind. After all if I had four wives, she could have her boyfriend still. and then I could still have two more wives. Which would cover being able to have a super-hot Italian wife and a super smart well-mannered English wife as well. Imagine going to the opera with all four every season! With me right in the middle. And that my friends would be just about the dream life of all dream lives.
Sept 21st
Beaver and the Rat and the two girls are in Houston fucking Texas of all places right now and they have hurricane Rita headed right for ‘em. Because traffic has come to a dead stop, they have decided to stay home and not leave. No one can leave anyway. I'll tell you what bro, he tells me, God’s pissed off and this is the reckoning. He just gave New Orleans a high colonic and he's about to do it again.
Well if there are three places in America that God is going to destroy first, it would be Las Vegas and New Orleans you gotta figure. The Sodom and Gomorrah of modern times.
What's the third place?
Washington DC man. he's not letting those evil fuckhead bastards off easy. this is just the beginning. You gotta figure Gods looking at it like this at this point, you want to lie to your people and invade other countries and kill thousands of people for no reason like some modern day Russian dictator, then lets give you a little taste of your own medicine. Bad karma man. I don't think those guys even know what karma is.
Well it could just be the fact that we’ve fucked the environment up so bad.
Yep. Probably that too. either way we’re fucked.
Well are you guys going to be o.k.?
Yeah we’re all pretty hunkered down. Expecting the worst. Praying for the best.
Well good luck man. I'll be looking for you on the news...
Beav tells me, ‘I'll tell you what bro. when people watch CNN, I'm going to be the guy sitting on my roof with a bottle of 2001 Chateau Saint jean Merlot in one hand, my shotgun in the other, and Lou Reed blasting in the background.’ Hysterical laughs. brother Beav. My best friend.
Good luck bro. I'll be praying for you guys.
Last screening: confessions of a dangerous mind. Holy fucking shit. whatever that means. This movie was huge for me when I saw it the first time. even better now. just taking it in little doses. For inspiration. What a classic.
Go here to read a quick on the brilliant chuck barris, who is a definite but odd to be sure hero:
http://www.salon.com/people/bc/2001/03/06/chuck_barris/index.html
Man, its fucking 2am. Can’t sleep. The movie has reached that stoic point. The down turn. And I'm sitting there half awake half asleep in between worlds feeling every moment of it like its this wicked fucking mirror. Smoke too much drink too much drug too much think too much feel too much. Where is my Olivia? That's what I want to know. things are moving too effing slowly. I feel like I'm in some alternate universe. This legal battle has taken the wind out of me. forget the financial aspect of how it has affected me personally or my family and friends... just emotionally. The ambassador is all about the love and for the life of me I can’t quite get my fingers around it when I encounter others around us who don't think the same way. friendships are being challenged all over the country because of this battle. Lines being drawn and people being hurt. I find it emotionally taxing to think that others are being affected by this, something that could have been resolved so easily and so effortlessly if things would have just been handled in an honest manner. how easy it all would have been.
Cleopatra is insane. Her emails are insane. Our conversations are insane. I think that there is something there in all of us who don't recognize when we are dealing with someone who is outright insane... we keep rolling up our sleeves and thinking that anyday they are going to come around... I mention something to her today to the effect of ‘well we are healing from this. we are all going through our healing and in time it will get better....’ ever the trying Buddha. At least always trying. and she replies, ‘well that's irrelevant... I'm just talking about me.’ I was aghast. Everyone’s healing is irrelevant to her. all that was important to her was how she feels... I'm thinking to myself how the hell did I get someone like this in my life. and in the lives of my friends and family? I mean how did a person so far removed from the world that I and my closest companions occupy get into our lives? She then rambles on about her newest theory of how its all Madelyn O'Ryan's fault. That Maddie loved me too much, acted inappropriately, was too close to me during my relationship with her. as if to imply that because she was hurt by that, that it justified her actions over the last six months. That she was somehow justified in lying cheating stealing etc in the last six months because of the pain that she felt during our relationship over four years ago... I just sat there half listening, moaning inside for her pain and confusion and the pain it has caused everyone else... how one person can cause so much damage to so many others.... half in shock that I even know this person or ever shared love or a home with her. I finally told her that she was sick and that she needed help. I don't know what else to say to Cleo anymore. She lives in a dream world.
From a humane and karmic perspective, I have done just about all I can do with that being. I have tried unconditional love and tolerance. I have taken full responsibility for my part in all of it. written apologies, consistently given her the benefit of the doubt, listened to her ramblings about how upset she is about her this’s and that’s, made small talk about family to keep the doors of communication open, still befriend her family when they reach out, and more than anything, I have forgiven her unceasingly and have done everything I can do to settle our business amicably so it doesn’t go to court and get even more insane and so she doesn’t get into trouble. I do not believe at this time that she will ever wake up or come around. today I just realized that Cleopatra Ecstasy is a lost cause. Part of me still mourning the loss of that angel that I thought I met ten years ago who seemed so pure and so fresh and clean and good spirited... if there's yet another lesson here, it is that: “angels are as angels do” so to speak. It has nothing to do with what they look like or what comes out of someone’s mouth. It is all in our actions.
But tomorrow is indeed another day. and if there is one thing I have learned in this brief flame of life, its that when you go to bed upset you usually wake up feeling on top of the world. so indeed tomorrow is another day. and it won't come a minute too soon.
Current spin: Travis, 12 memories. This is a really really good album. Like all their albums. it is great. note, don't put yourself on the cover anymore. Not now. maybe later. this album is a turn off because it focuses on the members but the members aren't interesting enough to enthrall, BUT the music is, but that is minimized because there is a begging to focus on the members because they are on the cover. So that's it. hhhmmm. G2 has only been trying to get me to see that for about five years.... Hehe. But this is a really good album.
Sept 20th
Yes Tuesday continues to amaze me.... I sit in her backyard on the weekends and I smoke a nice cigar and write... and I peer up at her like an uncle or an older brother every now and then just to see what she is doing... I watch her do her thing... and I think to myself, a soul like this is not made. It is born. And it is a gift to the world.
Last screening: seven year itch with Marilyn Monroe. i had never seen this before but wanted to see it because it was filmed in my apartment here in the city. in fact, in the film Marilyn lives in my actual apartment. The one I live in now. there's that one scene where she drops the tomato plant off the balcony and she comes out to the balcony to speak with the guy down on the bottom floor and I'm like ‘holy shit she's standing there hanging our of my window! That's where I sit every night to smoke and write. I'm sitting there right now.’ It’s crazy to see the place and how it looked fifty years ago. I'm about thirty minutes into this movie now and don't think I will finish it. for the most part, its crap. just not my kind of movie. but it is fun to see the building like that. see Marilyn hanging out my window on the silver screen. Many years before this movie was filmed, in the twenties and thirties, the magnificent and infamous conductor Toscanini had come over from Italy to lead the New York Philharmonic and lived where? You guessed it. In my humble little apartment. Of course he had two floors, a two bedroom duplex at the time. now I have all of 400 square feet. But I think its just got this magic thing happening. I felt it the first moment I stepped in here and knew in that instant that I was going to call it home for a while. [I must confess the real magic may have been the bomb of an Israeli realtor, the Raven, that was really the magic for me.] But I've written some of my best songs in this little box they call a one bedroom here, though anywhere else in the country we would call it a closet. But there is a great energy here. seeing the place in the movie really confirmed it though: Buildings last. People die. we are after all very temporary things indeed. dust in the wind. Ideas. Impermanent particles floating in space in the grand scheme of something much larger than any one of us, made real only by our self awareness in the brief moments we wake up to the notion that ‘I am.’ In the bigger picture I will soon leave this place, like Marilyn, like Toscanini. But this building will still be here years after.
Current spin: blow up Hollywood. good stuff. slow moody ethereal. and Elliot sharp. Downtown New York avant garde orchestral art music. Love it.
Sept 19th
The king and lady Beth Ann flew into New York for the day and spent the night before their trip to uk to see sir Richard. I was supposed to be meeting with them since I was supposed to be in Paris by now. but due to this entanglement with Cleo, I am of course land locked at present on this little island instead. but we had a great day together. showed them the city a bit, central park. Breakfast at le pain quotidian, drinks overlooking the lake at the boat house, dinner at fig and olive with a few choice friends, Tuesday and Remy. A delicious time. great for our souls. the king indeed is one of my best friends. All day we spoke of conjuring.... lady Beth Ann is getting prettier and prettier and smarter and generally lovelier as time goes on. all of us becoming happier and more settled people as we get older. It is very nice.
Up by 6am to see them off. Wow. so that's what 6am looks like... realize the power in that. wrote for a few hours. could wake up earlier, spend some time writing... other things, not the diaries, and keep the diaries more brief. Would be more productive.
Back to bed by 8am to get some much needed quiet time and shut eye. I love sleep for what it seems to afford the spirit. It is very healing. The perfect way for the soul to integrate creations. I stayed asleep till my mind was smiling... you can tell... you begin to feel very at rest, peaceful, happy, content... yummy... and then I deliberately awoke to begin the day. just popped up. I've been a place lately where I don't even look at the time. I don't even own a clock anymore. If I need the actual time I can always look at the cell phone. [funny because these days no one seems to have a clock anymore. So if you are on the phone with someone and you ask what time it is and you are both on your phones then neither can tell the other the time.]
I dreamed about ArtHouse studio again. my old place, and my first real company.... I don't know why, but I dream about that place every few months... I go back there and it is a mess... this time was no exception. It was ransacked. The worst I have ever seen it in any dream. I always feel bad for letting it go and selling it in the dream, and I am always returning to take it back over and revive it.... what is that? was the best move...at the time. then about our old house in pine ridge. Yes again. same dream always. Me and mom and Beaver are there. but we shouldn’t be because we are scared shitless that the wicked step father is going to come home and shoot us all and kill us. we are squatter in our own home... very upsetting. Every time. Always the same haunting dreams. need to find a way to integrate that part of my past... but how?
I also had a dream about Queenie... this is horrible but I dreamed that Beaver reminded me that I had killed her in an argument and we had put her dead body in the attic... he was now telling me that we had to get her out of there and go bury her in the woods behind the house somewhere. It was awful. This was not the first time I had a dream about a girl being dead. Remember? I have written about it before... what is that? what is the lesson? What is my mind trying to tell me? what is the skeleton in the closet so to speak? Who is the girl? What does she represent? The guilt. Terrible. I kept pacing around the house thinking... if she is dead here in my attic in my room, then her parents must be worried sick. I felt her parents grief. I felt immense guilt. Same thing as before in other dreams... if I bury her I have a chance of saving myself. but then her parents will remain in this grief and mystery... I must tell her parents what happened... I owe it to them... the guilt was unbearable... but the feeling again, was that I had to do it, I was forced into committing this terrible act... victim consciousness... where is it coming from? what must I integrate?
I switched dreams before there was a conclusion. I am in awe at how I am able to be awake and yet asleep during my dreams. totally aware of them and that I am dreaming... I watch them. What do they call that? lucid dreaming... I have always had this ability. But as I get older I get better and better at it... since I moved to New York -- doing the right thing, following one’s intuition, being at the right place at the right time perhaps – it has really kicked in to overdrive.
I then had an amazing dream about SHE again. this time her name was also Rebecca. again. Rebecca... dark hair. Pale skin. A beautiful voice. A perfect love. An instant affinity for each other. who is she? where is she now? it felt fantastic. We kissed. We hugged. I smiled while I dreamed. I held onto her image as long as I could and attempted to stay asleep to remain in the presence of her embrace and unconditional love and affection. I spoke to her while still asleep and yet half awake... where are you? where are you? do you feel this? are you dreaming like this?
Last screening: a few more hours of the tsars of Russia history. Wow. learned more. violence is not the answer. eventually we will come to this.
Current spin: yoshimi and yuka, flower with no color. LOVE IT! the craziest record I've ever heard.
G2 sends me this link to a page of pictures of Iranian women. We are saying that we think maybe Iranian women are the prettiest in the world...
I'm looking at that these photos and I'm thinking... about the fact that in Muslim tradition its o.k. if a man marries up to four women as long as he can satisfy them all... I wonder if I could live in a Muslim country. just move from here and go do that.... and I wonder if I could find four amazing women that I loved equally who could all be satisfied with being one of four wives to me... they would all have to be friends I guess. They would all have to have really great lives apart from the relationship so they were satisfied whenever my interest was aimed towards only one of them completely so they wouldn’t get upset. How the hell do you pull something off like that? would one of them appeal to you more than the rest? Would I bond with one of them the most? Or would it trade back and forth from time to time. perhaps we could all be best friends and even have big group sex together. that would be awesome. and imagine the possibilities with children... I could have so many kids, it would be amazing. I could easily have eight to ten children. Man, I have to move to Iran or Egypt or somewhere like that. then there would be no problem with having Princess Little Tree as a wife. No worry about having children or anything. And she could bring her kids. Cause they're awesome. And Juliet of course, because of her soul and brain. She could even bring her boyfriend if she wanted to. I don't think I'd mind. After all if I had four wives, she could have her boyfriend still. and then I could still have two more wives. Which would cover being able to have a super-hot Italian wife and a super smart well-mannered English wife as well. Imagine going to the opera with all four every season! With me right in the middle. And that my friends would be just about the dream life of all dream lives.
Sept 21st
Beaver and the Rat and the two girls are in Houston fucking Texas of all places right now and they have hurricane Rita headed right for ‘em. Because traffic has come to a dead stop, they have decided to stay home and not leave. No one can leave anyway. I'll tell you what bro, he tells me, God’s pissed off and this is the reckoning. He just gave New Orleans a high colonic and he's about to do it again.
Well if there are three places in America that God is going to destroy first, it would be Las Vegas and New Orleans you gotta figure. The Sodom and Gomorrah of modern times.
What's the third place?
Washington DC man. he's not letting those evil fuckhead bastards off easy. this is just the beginning. You gotta figure Gods looking at it like this at this point, you want to lie to your people and invade other countries and kill thousands of people for no reason like some modern day Russian dictator, then lets give you a little taste of your own medicine. Bad karma man. I don't think those guys even know what karma is.
Well it could just be the fact that we’ve fucked the environment up so bad.
Yep. Probably that too. either way we’re fucked.
Well are you guys going to be o.k.?
Yeah we’re all pretty hunkered down. Expecting the worst. Praying for the best.
Well good luck man. I'll be looking for you on the news...
Beav tells me, ‘I'll tell you what bro. when people watch CNN, I'm going to be the guy sitting on my roof with a bottle of 2001 Chateau Saint jean Merlot in one hand, my shotgun in the other, and Lou Reed blasting in the background.’ Hysterical laughs. brother Beav. My best friend.
Good luck bro. I'll be praying for you guys.
Last screening: confessions of a dangerous mind. Holy fucking shit. whatever that means. This movie was huge for me when I saw it the first time. even better now. just taking it in little doses. For inspiration. What a classic.
Go here to read a quick on the brilliant chuck barris, who is a definite but odd to be sure hero:
http://www.salon.com/people/bc/2001/03/06/chuck_barris/index.html
Man, its fucking 2am. Can’t sleep. The movie has reached that stoic point. The down turn. And I'm sitting there half awake half asleep in between worlds feeling every moment of it like its this wicked fucking mirror. Smoke too much drink too much drug too much think too much feel too much. Where is my Olivia? That's what I want to know. things are moving too effing slowly. I feel like I'm in some alternate universe. This legal battle has taken the wind out of me. forget the financial aspect of how it has affected me personally or my family and friends... just emotionally. The ambassador is all about the love and for the life of me I can’t quite get my fingers around it when I encounter others around us who don't think the same way. friendships are being challenged all over the country because of this battle. Lines being drawn and people being hurt. I find it emotionally taxing to think that others are being affected by this, something that could have been resolved so easily and so effortlessly if things would have just been handled in an honest manner. how easy it all would have been.
Cleopatra is insane. Her emails are insane. Our conversations are insane. I think that there is something there in all of us who don't recognize when we are dealing with someone who is outright insane... we keep rolling up our sleeves and thinking that anyday they are going to come around... I mention something to her today to the effect of ‘well we are healing from this. we are all going through our healing and in time it will get better....’ ever the trying Buddha. At least always trying. and she replies, ‘well that's irrelevant... I'm just talking about me.’ I was aghast. Everyone’s healing is irrelevant to her. all that was important to her was how she feels... I'm thinking to myself how the hell did I get someone like this in my life. and in the lives of my friends and family? I mean how did a person so far removed from the world that I and my closest companions occupy get into our lives? She then rambles on about her newest theory of how its all Madelyn O'Ryan's fault. That Maddie loved me too much, acted inappropriately, was too close to me during my relationship with her. as if to imply that because she was hurt by that, that it justified her actions over the last six months. That she was somehow justified in lying cheating stealing etc in the last six months because of the pain that she felt during our relationship over four years ago... I just sat there half listening, moaning inside for her pain and confusion and the pain it has caused everyone else... how one person can cause so much damage to so many others.... half in shock that I even know this person or ever shared love or a home with her. I finally told her that she was sick and that she needed help. I don't know what else to say to Cleo anymore. She lives in a dream world.
From a humane and karmic perspective, I have done just about all I can do with that being. I have tried unconditional love and tolerance. I have taken full responsibility for my part in all of it. written apologies, consistently given her the benefit of the doubt, listened to her ramblings about how upset she is about her this’s and that’s, made small talk about family to keep the doors of communication open, still befriend her family when they reach out, and more than anything, I have forgiven her unceasingly and have done everything I can do to settle our business amicably so it doesn’t go to court and get even more insane and so she doesn’t get into trouble. I do not believe at this time that she will ever wake up or come around. today I just realized that Cleopatra Ecstasy is a lost cause. Part of me still mourning the loss of that angel that I thought I met ten years ago who seemed so pure and so fresh and clean and good spirited... if there's yet another lesson here, it is that: “angels are as angels do” so to speak. It has nothing to do with what they look like or what comes out of someone’s mouth. It is all in our actions.
But tomorrow is indeed another day. and if there is one thing I have learned in this brief flame of life, its that when you go to bed upset you usually wake up feeling on top of the world. so indeed tomorrow is another day. and it won't come a minute too soon.
Current spin: Travis, 12 memories. This is a really really good album. Like all their albums. it is great. note, don't put yourself on the cover anymore. Not now. maybe later. this album is a turn off because it focuses on the members but the members aren't interesting enough to enthrall, BUT the music is, but that is minimized because there is a begging to focus on the members because they are on the cover. So that's it. hhhmmm. G2 has only been trying to get me to see that for about five years.... Hehe. But this is a really good album.
Sept 20th
Yes Tuesday continues to amaze me.... I sit in her backyard on the weekends and I smoke a nice cigar and write... and I peer up at her like an uncle or an older brother every now and then just to see what she is doing... I watch her do her thing... and I think to myself, a soul like this is not made. It is born. And it is a gift to the world.
Last screening: seven year itch with Marilyn Monroe. i had never seen this before but wanted to see it because it was filmed in my apartment here in the city. in fact, in the film Marilyn lives in my actual apartment. The one I live in now. there's that one scene where she drops the tomato plant off the balcony and she comes out to the balcony to speak with the guy down on the bottom floor and I'm like ‘holy shit she's standing there hanging our of my window! That's where I sit every night to smoke and write. I'm sitting there right now.’ It’s crazy to see the place and how it looked fifty years ago. I'm about thirty minutes into this movie now and don't think I will finish it. for the most part, its crap. just not my kind of movie. but it is fun to see the building like that. see Marilyn hanging out my window on the silver screen. Many years before this movie was filmed, in the twenties and thirties, the magnificent and infamous conductor Toscanini had come over from Italy to lead the New York Philharmonic and lived where? You guessed it. In my humble little apartment. Of course he had two floors, a two bedroom duplex at the time. now I have all of 400 square feet. But I think its just got this magic thing happening. I felt it the first moment I stepped in here and knew in that instant that I was going to call it home for a while. [I must confess the real magic may have been the bomb of an Israeli realtor, the Raven, that was really the magic for me.] But I've written some of my best songs in this little box they call a one bedroom here, though anywhere else in the country we would call it a closet. But there is a great energy here. seeing the place in the movie really confirmed it though: Buildings last. People die. we are after all very temporary things indeed. dust in the wind. Ideas. Impermanent particles floating in space in the grand scheme of something much larger than any one of us, made real only by our self awareness in the brief moments we wake up to the notion that ‘I am.’ In the bigger picture I will soon leave this place, like Marilyn, like Toscanini. But this building will still be here years after.
Current spin: blow up Hollywood. good stuff. slow moody ethereal. and Elliot sharp. Downtown New York avant garde orchestral art music. Love it.
Sept 19th
The king and lady Beth Ann flew into New York for the day and spent the night before their trip to uk to see sir Richard. I was supposed to be meeting with them since I was supposed to be in Paris by now. but due to this entanglement with Cleo, I am of course land locked at present on this little island instead. but we had a great day together. showed them the city a bit, central park. Breakfast at le pain quotidian, drinks overlooking the lake at the boat house, dinner at fig and olive with a few choice friends, Tuesday and Remy. A delicious time. great for our souls. the king indeed is one of my best friends. All day we spoke of conjuring.... lady Beth Ann is getting prettier and prettier and smarter and generally lovelier as time goes on. all of us becoming happier and more settled people as we get older. It is very nice.
Up by 6am to see them off. Wow. so that's what 6am looks like... realize the power in that. wrote for a few hours. could wake up earlier, spend some time writing... other things, not the diaries, and keep the diaries more brief. Would be more productive.
Back to bed by 8am to get some much needed quiet time and shut eye. I love sleep for what it seems to afford the spirit. It is very healing. The perfect way for the soul to integrate creations. I stayed asleep till my mind was smiling... you can tell... you begin to feel very at rest, peaceful, happy, content... yummy... and then I deliberately awoke to begin the day. just popped up. I've been a place lately where I don't even look at the time. I don't even own a clock anymore. If I need the actual time I can always look at the cell phone. [funny because these days no one seems to have a clock anymore. So if you are on the phone with someone and you ask what time it is and you are both on your phones then neither can tell the other the time.]
I dreamed about ArtHouse studio again. my old place, and my first real company.... I don't know why, but I dream about that place every few months... I go back there and it is a mess... this time was no exception. It was ransacked. The worst I have ever seen it in any dream. I always feel bad for letting it go and selling it in the dream, and I am always returning to take it back over and revive it.... what is that? was the best move...at the time. then about our old house in pine ridge. Yes again. same dream always. Me and mom and Beaver are there. but we shouldn’t be because we are scared shitless that the wicked step father is going to come home and shoot us all and kill us. we are squatter in our own home... very upsetting. Every time. Always the same haunting dreams. need to find a way to integrate that part of my past... but how?
I also had a dream about Queenie... this is horrible but I dreamed that Beaver reminded me that I had killed her in an argument and we had put her dead body in the attic... he was now telling me that we had to get her out of there and go bury her in the woods behind the house somewhere. It was awful. This was not the first time I had a dream about a girl being dead. Remember? I have written about it before... what is that? what is the lesson? What is my mind trying to tell me? what is the skeleton in the closet so to speak? Who is the girl? What does she represent? The guilt. Terrible. I kept pacing around the house thinking... if she is dead here in my attic in my room, then her parents must be worried sick. I felt her parents grief. I felt immense guilt. Same thing as before in other dreams... if I bury her I have a chance of saving myself. but then her parents will remain in this grief and mystery... I must tell her parents what happened... I owe it to them... the guilt was unbearable... but the feeling again, was that I had to do it, I was forced into committing this terrible act... victim consciousness... where is it coming from? what must I integrate?
I switched dreams before there was a conclusion. I am in awe at how I am able to be awake and yet asleep during my dreams. totally aware of them and that I am dreaming... I watch them. What do they call that? lucid dreaming... I have always had this ability. But as I get older I get better and better at it... since I moved to New York -- doing the right thing, following one’s intuition, being at the right place at the right time perhaps – it has really kicked in to overdrive.
I then had an amazing dream about SHE again. this time her name was also Rebecca. again. Rebecca... dark hair. Pale skin. A beautiful voice. A perfect love. An instant affinity for each other. who is she? where is she now? it felt fantastic. We kissed. We hugged. I smiled while I dreamed. I held onto her image as long as I could and attempted to stay asleep to remain in the presence of her embrace and unconditional love and affection. I spoke to her while still asleep and yet half awake... where are you? where are you? do you feel this? are you dreaming like this?
Last screening: a few more hours of the tsars of Russia history. Wow. learned more. violence is not the answer. eventually we will come to this.
Current spin: yoshimi and yuka, flower with no color. LOVE IT! the craziest record I've ever heard.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Sept 18th Our first real day of autumn in New York.
Sept 18th
Our first real day of autumn in New York. An actual breeze. A breath of clean fresh air. Smiles on everyone’s faces. Took a few friends to church this morning. Powerful sermon as always. The guy’s on fire. Eloquent and yet emotive and significant at the same time. Powerful music. free music free food free drink free powerful sermons and awesome people to chill with. What more can a person want for a Sunday morning? More and more each day, each week... feeling more liberated from the judging mind, from the confines of thought. And in that there is freedom and bliss. God smiles and you smile back.
If life was large enough I would lovingly embrace every darn one of them for they are all so beautiful. I swear to God I think I am really onto something with this whole fruitplate theory of dating. [should it be a fruitplate or a fruit basket? I guess that depends on how big the plate is.] You know, the whole ‘I found freedom when you said no’ thing. I'm walking down the street carrying this big bouquet of roses that I had just bought and I'm passing all these girls on the street. And there's nothing New York girls like more than a guy in sandals carrying a bouquet of roses. And there is no place in America better for beautiful girls than New York City. [people may mention California or Miami but they just haven't been to New York.] Because all the girls here are just so stylish and cool and smart and witty and have it put together... the only other place in the world where you see this kind of beauty stacked up on top of itself is in Rome.] Anyway, so the theory is I'm thinking I just keep dating all these girls for social events, right, but if you're smart, you never sleep with any of them – because that cuts it to the chase pretty much and you don't want that , so you never fool around with them. You save that for other girls. But with the really great girls you just hang out with them. the best of both worlds man. that's it right there.
I'm sitting out on the stairs and it is a gorgeous day! I mean perfect. the most perfect day of the year so far. there is this couple across the street walking and arguing in Spanish. (well I'm pretty sure they are walking in English, but they are arguing in Spanish.) every few seconds they stop in the middle of the sidewalk and yell at each other, raising their hands and arms with such passion and emotion. Don't you love arguing? If its done from and with love, arguing is a potent aphrodisiac. Passion man. pure passion.
Last screening: Russia, the land of the tsars. Fascinating.
Current read: chronicles, volume one. Dylan’s autobiography.
Sept 17th
Speaking with Providence about how great our lives are... in comparison to so many others’. and yet the human mind always longs for more. still often times longs for more, over-analyzes and criticizes. Even when in the bigger picture, things are so damn good already.
Recognizing how far out I was willing to travel for forcing IT, rather than letting IT, we can know IT by the degree of how much of our ‘real selves’ are we being.... when we are in flow and truly being ourselves, it is close or closer to “IT.” When we are not feeling ourselves, then we can safely assume that it is not “IT.”
Feel a certain sense of fright, as a lot of people do, about the current stream of events in America in relation to the rest of the world. I feel underneath it all a fear that we are about to be attacked again... cannot put my finger on it, but there is something there, that any day we are going to be attacked here at home.
I am seriously in shock and deeply saddened by the fact the people who are in control in our government are so unenlightened that they chose the path they chose over the last two years. they have deliberately created more violence, more danger, more anger, more desperation and resentment in the hearts of those who are currently playing the role of “our enemy” rather than doing the right thing and really getting down to why we were attacked in the first place.
Of course this gives them the benefit of the doubt... that they did not in fact set the whole thing up as a ‘new pearl harbor’ as a way to instigate a reason/justification to attack Iraq etc... at this point is difficult to ascertain what really happened. But if we are to assume that we were really attacked by terrorist forces who ‘hate us’ as the government has lead the world to believe, that in fact it was not an inside job as the evidence is leading many to believe now, then the right thing would be for us to look inward and really try to determine why someone would feel a need to attack us and then do our best to make amends with these people, with the world at large, and attempt to show through our own example what a good true honest just moral fair minded society of enlightened individuals could be like.... we could really help bring peace to the world.
isn't it fascinating that the war-mongers among us always use peace as an excuse to wage war? and isn't it fascinating that they claim to wage war to get peace? And isn't even more fascinating how the majority of the masses of sheep-le out there, in any society, actually fall for these atrocious and barbaric fallacies so easily? They never seem to notice or acknowledge that violence is in fact violence, and peace is in fact peace. And that they are two totally different worlds. we will never bring peace to the world through murder destruction or violence. And yet it is difficult to convince those who are less perceptive than we are of this simple understanding. The truth is that this attack by the US government on the country of Iraq could very well blow up in our faces and turn into something much more devastating to all of us than we could ever imagine. It could lead us to a world war, a never ending domino effect of retaliation, a back and forth of killing and being killed. Why do they not see it, and if they do, why do they not care?
We are being led astray by a very small group of treacherous murderers who are jeopardizing all of our welfare. I am truly fascinated by the red-state mentality that does not seem to recognize this.
Breakfast with Tuesday. At a little French café uptown. A soft boiled egg. Paris ham and gruyere tartine with dark mustard. A larger than life cappuccino. Praline nut butter. She asks me as only she can, to identify what exactly I saw or was attracted to in women, and what I do not like. Where is the attraction and where is the discomfort? Could it be that simple? Important to acknowledge these things so we do not repeat the same experiences more than once, and also so we can truly create what we want in our life. we then apply the same principles to her life. and we get great learning and growing from this.
I love the ‘brilliant’ aspect in women. I label it important, in fact very necessary. I love the dreamer aspect, but I do not like the air-head aspect. I love the visionary quality. I love the motivated/ambitious/in her own world, doing her own thing independently quality in girls. Important. I more than prefer but actually need, congruity and honesty in speech and action. Not willing to settle for less than that. I love the intellectual battle of wits. But we recognize that there is a subtle difference between combative/righteous debate that weakens the spirit and a loving challenging debate between two brilliant minds that strengthens the spirit. There is a difference. And I prefer the latter. We agree that we both prefer the latter.
But if we never take the time to check it out and to really analyze what it is that attracts us to people, then we will never see what it is that we are attracting and why. we will be settling for many things that we do not prefer and not know why, just because we are receiving a few other things that we do like. This was huge for me. and for her as well. when you begin to acknowledge this, you can see that there is no blame. That in the larger picture it is an umbilical-corded subliminal game we are playing with other beings... and in the end, there can be no blame. We are choosing the game out of these attractions and repulsions/resistances with others and it is just as much “us” as it is “them.” no blame. Only appreciation.
From this viewpoint one can see the world of romance and love from a birds-eye view, shift easily in and out of affairs or the heart until a true fit occurs that builds, strengthens, inspires, and rejuvenates and grows us.
Last screening: Howard Zinn biography. Awesome man. truly inspirational.
Sept 16th
The white dove has flown. Before she departed we met for dried fruit, cheese, and coffee martinis and to clear some space. And it was indeed a subtle battle. Few minced words. all out in the open. Swords out, slicing into each other, though liquid, still wounding. Fencing, dueling, battling. I truly fucking hate her. and yet, at the same time, I truly love her. it is as our friend Remington Steele points out, a challenge that we are all called to for whatever reasons... it is involuntary unconditionality, entirely possessed by it, and frankly it was fucking driving me crazy because it wasn't a hundred percent. I hadn't slept in weeks. so I found freedom in her no. again. I tell her ‘you know what. this is fine. In fact its better than fine. Its great. now I have the freedom to do what I want, more time to be me.’ ‘you're just little lord Fauntleroy. You are inspired by what you cannot have. you think you can get whatever you want, and when you can’t get it, you are inspired and you want it more.’ ‘What are you like a psychology major or something?’ ‘don't be mean.’ ‘whatever.’ ‘don't whatever me. we are supposed to be talking.’ ‘we are talking... o.k. I will try to be nicer. This will calm eventually and we will be nicer.’ ‘do you think so?’ ‘yes I do.’ ‘me too.’ ‘But I'm telling you that I get the best of both worlds in this, so its fine. I still get that in love feeling you know walking around kicking my heels from it and writing tons of great songs, and yet I buy more time to be myself for a little longer, and get a little more action...’ ‘that is so gross. I'm not listening if you are going to speak that way.’ she puts her fingers in her ears and starts going ‘lalalalalalala... I'm not listening....’
[I was stunned by this notion. No matter how ridiculously unfair and silly it seemed to be, it was entirely true. I think this is where the ‘I found freedom when you said no’ song came from. The idea held water. I could still find myself madly in love with the dove, with Princess Little Tree who lived half way across the world, with the raven in Israel if I wanted to... and as long as none of them accepted or pusehd the issue, or wanted to commit permanently, then I was as free as a bird to just keep being inspired and in love with all of them. Freedom; and yet, as an artist, I’m still getting the juice of being in love with them to a certain degree.]
A lot of good spirited conversation concerning things of this nature. The higher quantum realm where we feel this bigger than us thing at play and the ego-infested world where we in physical reality exist and muck it up. we are just ruining it... just by invading the space where this cosmic life transforming thing that we have fallen into exists... diseasing it with our minds and opinions... we would be a lot better off by just not saying a thing. she was right in that... in her request for silent meditation. but I finally succumbed to the fact that perhaps we are both just too immature to deal with it. fine. ‘you know, I still don't even believe you. you're afraid.’ ‘you're afraid.’ ‘yes. I am. I'm o.k. with that. but at least I can tell you how I feel.’ ‘well I am telling you how I feel.’ ‘I know you are. I hear you. but I don't believe you.’ ‘well don't get hurt.’ ‘well you don't get hurt.’ ‘I won't.’ ‘well neither will I.’ ‘are we still going to go to the opera together then?’ crazy. total Alice in wonderland experience...
Dueling. exploring. Both of us slightly bitter. But still in that space where we are happy to be in each other’s space. like that. reminds me a lot of Cleopatra actually. Young, smart, pretty, energetic, defensive, offensive, contrary, opinionated on the outside, vulnerable on the inside, and slightly confused, head in the clouds, but grounded in some weird way about it. an unsafe and fucking devastating combination for me. my brief relationship with Princess Little Tree was so easy, so effortless, and so I'm used to that. I mean, now I know that that is possible. It didn't get any easier than that... And yes its way better. You feel part of a team. Like you're building something with someone. This constant dueling is not good for me. there is no safety in it. Tuesday tells me that perhaps there is something in these kind of girls that obviously attracts me or I still wouldn’t be attracting them. she's right. Tuesday is fucking A+. you know, her personality is perfect. I sometimes think she is some kind of a Guru... if I had attraction to her in the romantic realm... that would be a very easy one for both of us. but things are as they are. our feelings are our feelings.
I did come to understand in a very real physical way what it is like when a girl likes you like that and you don't like them back. it does hurt. And in a way it was good for me to be reminded of how it feels so I am more careful with girls when I am hanging out with them. so as not to hurt them. and now I also understand why when you tell a girl that you don't feel that way about them, why they feel the need to get away from you and not speak with you. I would always fight with them about that. but I understand now. sometimes its just necessary. You have to get space.
But regardless, that is that. the dove has flown and I have ten days to regroup and stabilize. Get back on track. the whole thing just threw me completely. Came out of nowhere and hit me in the back of the head like a sledgehammer. It is good to be reminded of these feelings. It is an amazing thing. whatever you call it. infatuation. Obsession perhaps. we stay open, we enjoy the ride.
in the end love is going to transcend all of that. so there is hope in that. that's where the hope is. if you’re smart you play a game for the fun of it, but you don't live in it. its sport. Not life. life is real. Sport is sport.
The lessons. Love hits us. it is a natural. it can knock us down. it is something beyond looks and shape and face; beyond eyes and beauty; beyond style and class and fashion; beyond dreams and fantasies and similarities and common interests. It is cosmic. It is beyond this realm. And that's why we call it love. It is indescribable and entirely unobtainable unless it is granted by the gods. It is either there or it is not there. that's what this year was about. it works or it doesn’t. it is when we try to control it or shape it... that is when the problems set it.
I had let the ropes loose off the bow and just said fuck it I'm going to keep traveling onward anyway... there was mystery and excitement up ahead in the murky uncharted waters...
And there wasn't a moment I felt comfortable. But always very excited. An eagerness but not a comfort. You know. as if I was trading a lot... for this sense of excitement, a passion, but not a comfort. And I believe that I was deceiving a bit, allowing myself to be deceived a bit as well, and just going for the excitement of it... rather than breathing into it and being a Jedi. I noticed that was there... always that pain in the belly. Knowing that something wasn't right about the path, but just kind of trying to sneak down the path anyway... smile. You know, the lessons are the little pots of gold we pick up along the path. Fun stuff. the gifts of life.
One thing I will say is that I have never written so many songs in one period like this. she is right in the fact that it was a kind of muse thing. and for that I am eternally grateful. Girls are such amazing muses. Love is really. Entirely intoxicating. And as an artist I feed off of it. without love, without girls, I almost never write, and certainly not with this kind of passion... But it has its ups and downs, as with any drug. songwriting is awesome right now. I am on fire. Unstoppable. As soon as this legal battle is over, I will bury myself in the studio and just record for months straight to get all these songs down. Today it took me all of five minutes to write the song ‘everywhere she is there.’ and it’s fucking beautiful and brilliant.
“Can you imagine
what it would be like
to become aware
of an omnipresent ocean
of wild divine love
that has always been a secret to you
in the same way
that the sea is invisible to a fish?”
-- Rob Breszny
Little 8 year old Kasper from upstairs has been shouting out band names for me while I'm trying to write here... here are his ideas for cool band names. Feel free to use them: Tickle my pickle, the ek gangsters, the dark devils, pig ass, American wasteland is his favorite, the revenge of the nerds, foschizel my nizzle, Kissco, blood baths, cops on fire, happy taco, the undertaker, coming down from hell... the kid is brilliant.
current spin. The dandy warhols Come down. I love this album so much. Listening to it on my ipod on the subway – totally packed with people. and I'm just rocking out hard with myself and these earbuds. And I'm juking up and down in my own little dandy warhols world, and everyone is looking at me like ‘this guy is going at it! he might be crazy...’ You know, when the subway is packed like that, and I mean PACKED, where everyone is just crammed together like sardines or pigs in the truck before slaughter, there is nothing like the ipod. It is survival itself when it comes to the subways. And the Dandys really do rule. I am so into them.
Our first real day of autumn in New York. An actual breeze. A breath of clean fresh air. Smiles on everyone’s faces. Took a few friends to church this morning. Powerful sermon as always. The guy’s on fire. Eloquent and yet emotive and significant at the same time. Powerful music. free music free food free drink free powerful sermons and awesome people to chill with. What more can a person want for a Sunday morning? More and more each day, each week... feeling more liberated from the judging mind, from the confines of thought. And in that there is freedom and bliss. God smiles and you smile back.
If life was large enough I would lovingly embrace every darn one of them for they are all so beautiful. I swear to God I think I am really onto something with this whole fruitplate theory of dating. [should it be a fruitplate or a fruit basket? I guess that depends on how big the plate is.] You know, the whole ‘I found freedom when you said no’ thing. I'm walking down the street carrying this big bouquet of roses that I had just bought and I'm passing all these girls on the street. And there's nothing New York girls like more than a guy in sandals carrying a bouquet of roses. And there is no place in America better for beautiful girls than New York City. [people may mention California or Miami but they just haven't been to New York.] Because all the girls here are just so stylish and cool and smart and witty and have it put together... the only other place in the world where you see this kind of beauty stacked up on top of itself is in Rome.] Anyway, so the theory is I'm thinking I just keep dating all these girls for social events, right, but if you're smart, you never sleep with any of them – because that cuts it to the chase pretty much and you don't want that , so you never fool around with them. You save that for other girls. But with the really great girls you just hang out with them. the best of both worlds man. that's it right there.
I'm sitting out on the stairs and it is a gorgeous day! I mean perfect. the most perfect day of the year so far. there is this couple across the street walking and arguing in Spanish. (well I'm pretty sure they are walking in English, but they are arguing in Spanish.) every few seconds they stop in the middle of the sidewalk and yell at each other, raising their hands and arms with such passion and emotion. Don't you love arguing? If its done from and with love, arguing is a potent aphrodisiac. Passion man. pure passion.
Last screening: Russia, the land of the tsars. Fascinating.
Current read: chronicles, volume one. Dylan’s autobiography.
Sept 17th
Speaking with Providence about how great our lives are... in comparison to so many others’. and yet the human mind always longs for more. still often times longs for more, over-analyzes and criticizes. Even when in the bigger picture, things are so damn good already.
Recognizing how far out I was willing to travel for forcing IT, rather than letting IT, we can know IT by the degree of how much of our ‘real selves’ are we being.... when we are in flow and truly being ourselves, it is close or closer to “IT.” When we are not feeling ourselves, then we can safely assume that it is not “IT.”
Feel a certain sense of fright, as a lot of people do, about the current stream of events in America in relation to the rest of the world. I feel underneath it all a fear that we are about to be attacked again... cannot put my finger on it, but there is something there, that any day we are going to be attacked here at home.
I am seriously in shock and deeply saddened by the fact the people who are in control in our government are so unenlightened that they chose the path they chose over the last two years. they have deliberately created more violence, more danger, more anger, more desperation and resentment in the hearts of those who are currently playing the role of “our enemy” rather than doing the right thing and really getting down to why we were attacked in the first place.
Of course this gives them the benefit of the doubt... that they did not in fact set the whole thing up as a ‘new pearl harbor’ as a way to instigate a reason/justification to attack Iraq etc... at this point is difficult to ascertain what really happened. But if we are to assume that we were really attacked by terrorist forces who ‘hate us’ as the government has lead the world to believe, that in fact it was not an inside job as the evidence is leading many to believe now, then the right thing would be for us to look inward and really try to determine why someone would feel a need to attack us and then do our best to make amends with these people, with the world at large, and attempt to show through our own example what a good true honest just moral fair minded society of enlightened individuals could be like.... we could really help bring peace to the world.
isn't it fascinating that the war-mongers among us always use peace as an excuse to wage war? and isn't it fascinating that they claim to wage war to get peace? And isn't even more fascinating how the majority of the masses of sheep-le out there, in any society, actually fall for these atrocious and barbaric fallacies so easily? They never seem to notice or acknowledge that violence is in fact violence, and peace is in fact peace. And that they are two totally different worlds. we will never bring peace to the world through murder destruction or violence. And yet it is difficult to convince those who are less perceptive than we are of this simple understanding. The truth is that this attack by the US government on the country of Iraq could very well blow up in our faces and turn into something much more devastating to all of us than we could ever imagine. It could lead us to a world war, a never ending domino effect of retaliation, a back and forth of killing and being killed. Why do they not see it, and if they do, why do they not care?
We are being led astray by a very small group of treacherous murderers who are jeopardizing all of our welfare. I am truly fascinated by the red-state mentality that does not seem to recognize this.
Breakfast with Tuesday. At a little French café uptown. A soft boiled egg. Paris ham and gruyere tartine with dark mustard. A larger than life cappuccino. Praline nut butter. She asks me as only she can, to identify what exactly I saw or was attracted to in women, and what I do not like. Where is the attraction and where is the discomfort? Could it be that simple? Important to acknowledge these things so we do not repeat the same experiences more than once, and also so we can truly create what we want in our life. we then apply the same principles to her life. and we get great learning and growing from this.
I love the ‘brilliant’ aspect in women. I label it important, in fact very necessary. I love the dreamer aspect, but I do not like the air-head aspect. I love the visionary quality. I love the motivated/ambitious/in her own world, doing her own thing independently quality in girls. Important. I more than prefer but actually need, congruity and honesty in speech and action. Not willing to settle for less than that. I love the intellectual battle of wits. But we recognize that there is a subtle difference between combative/righteous debate that weakens the spirit and a loving challenging debate between two brilliant minds that strengthens the spirit. There is a difference. And I prefer the latter. We agree that we both prefer the latter.
But if we never take the time to check it out and to really analyze what it is that attracts us to people, then we will never see what it is that we are attracting and why. we will be settling for many things that we do not prefer and not know why, just because we are receiving a few other things that we do like. This was huge for me. and for her as well. when you begin to acknowledge this, you can see that there is no blame. That in the larger picture it is an umbilical-corded subliminal game we are playing with other beings... and in the end, there can be no blame. We are choosing the game out of these attractions and repulsions/resistances with others and it is just as much “us” as it is “them.” no blame. Only appreciation.
From this viewpoint one can see the world of romance and love from a birds-eye view, shift easily in and out of affairs or the heart until a true fit occurs that builds, strengthens, inspires, and rejuvenates and grows us.
Last screening: Howard Zinn biography. Awesome man. truly inspirational.
Sept 16th
The white dove has flown. Before she departed we met for dried fruit, cheese, and coffee martinis and to clear some space. And it was indeed a subtle battle. Few minced words. all out in the open. Swords out, slicing into each other, though liquid, still wounding. Fencing, dueling, battling. I truly fucking hate her. and yet, at the same time, I truly love her. it is as our friend Remington Steele points out, a challenge that we are all called to for whatever reasons... it is involuntary unconditionality, entirely possessed by it, and frankly it was fucking driving me crazy because it wasn't a hundred percent. I hadn't slept in weeks. so I found freedom in her no. again. I tell her ‘you know what. this is fine. In fact its better than fine. Its great. now I have the freedom to do what I want, more time to be me.’ ‘you're just little lord Fauntleroy. You are inspired by what you cannot have. you think you can get whatever you want, and when you can’t get it, you are inspired and you want it more.’ ‘What are you like a psychology major or something?’ ‘don't be mean.’ ‘whatever.’ ‘don't whatever me. we are supposed to be talking.’ ‘we are talking... o.k. I will try to be nicer. This will calm eventually and we will be nicer.’ ‘do you think so?’ ‘yes I do.’ ‘me too.’ ‘But I'm telling you that I get the best of both worlds in this, so its fine. I still get that in love feeling you know walking around kicking my heels from it and writing tons of great songs, and yet I buy more time to be myself for a little longer, and get a little more action...’ ‘that is so gross. I'm not listening if you are going to speak that way.’ she puts her fingers in her ears and starts going ‘lalalalalalala... I'm not listening....’
[I was stunned by this notion. No matter how ridiculously unfair and silly it seemed to be, it was entirely true. I think this is where the ‘I found freedom when you said no’ song came from. The idea held water. I could still find myself madly in love with the dove, with Princess Little Tree who lived half way across the world, with the raven in Israel if I wanted to... and as long as none of them accepted or pusehd the issue, or wanted to commit permanently, then I was as free as a bird to just keep being inspired and in love with all of them. Freedom; and yet, as an artist, I’m still getting the juice of being in love with them to a certain degree.]
A lot of good spirited conversation concerning things of this nature. The higher quantum realm where we feel this bigger than us thing at play and the ego-infested world where we in physical reality exist and muck it up. we are just ruining it... just by invading the space where this cosmic life transforming thing that we have fallen into exists... diseasing it with our minds and opinions... we would be a lot better off by just not saying a thing. she was right in that... in her request for silent meditation. but I finally succumbed to the fact that perhaps we are both just too immature to deal with it. fine. ‘you know, I still don't even believe you. you're afraid.’ ‘you're afraid.’ ‘yes. I am. I'm o.k. with that. but at least I can tell you how I feel.’ ‘well I am telling you how I feel.’ ‘I know you are. I hear you. but I don't believe you.’ ‘well don't get hurt.’ ‘well you don't get hurt.’ ‘I won't.’ ‘well neither will I.’ ‘are we still going to go to the opera together then?’ crazy. total Alice in wonderland experience...
Dueling. exploring. Both of us slightly bitter. But still in that space where we are happy to be in each other’s space. like that. reminds me a lot of Cleopatra actually. Young, smart, pretty, energetic, defensive, offensive, contrary, opinionated on the outside, vulnerable on the inside, and slightly confused, head in the clouds, but grounded in some weird way about it. an unsafe and fucking devastating combination for me. my brief relationship with Princess Little Tree was so easy, so effortless, and so I'm used to that. I mean, now I know that that is possible. It didn't get any easier than that... And yes its way better. You feel part of a team. Like you're building something with someone. This constant dueling is not good for me. there is no safety in it. Tuesday tells me that perhaps there is something in these kind of girls that obviously attracts me or I still wouldn’t be attracting them. she's right. Tuesday is fucking A+. you know, her personality is perfect. I sometimes think she is some kind of a Guru... if I had attraction to her in the romantic realm... that would be a very easy one for both of us. but things are as they are. our feelings are our feelings.
I did come to understand in a very real physical way what it is like when a girl likes you like that and you don't like them back. it does hurt. And in a way it was good for me to be reminded of how it feels so I am more careful with girls when I am hanging out with them. so as not to hurt them. and now I also understand why when you tell a girl that you don't feel that way about them, why they feel the need to get away from you and not speak with you. I would always fight with them about that. but I understand now. sometimes its just necessary. You have to get space.
But regardless, that is that. the dove has flown and I have ten days to regroup and stabilize. Get back on track. the whole thing just threw me completely. Came out of nowhere and hit me in the back of the head like a sledgehammer. It is good to be reminded of these feelings. It is an amazing thing. whatever you call it. infatuation. Obsession perhaps. we stay open, we enjoy the ride.
in the end love is going to transcend all of that. so there is hope in that. that's where the hope is. if you’re smart you play a game for the fun of it, but you don't live in it. its sport. Not life. life is real. Sport is sport.
The lessons. Love hits us. it is a natural. it can knock us down. it is something beyond looks and shape and face; beyond eyes and beauty; beyond style and class and fashion; beyond dreams and fantasies and similarities and common interests. It is cosmic. It is beyond this realm. And that's why we call it love. It is indescribable and entirely unobtainable unless it is granted by the gods. It is either there or it is not there. that's what this year was about. it works or it doesn’t. it is when we try to control it or shape it... that is when the problems set it.
I had let the ropes loose off the bow and just said fuck it I'm going to keep traveling onward anyway... there was mystery and excitement up ahead in the murky uncharted waters...
And there wasn't a moment I felt comfortable. But always very excited. An eagerness but not a comfort. You know. as if I was trading a lot... for this sense of excitement, a passion, but not a comfort. And I believe that I was deceiving a bit, allowing myself to be deceived a bit as well, and just going for the excitement of it... rather than breathing into it and being a Jedi. I noticed that was there... always that pain in the belly. Knowing that something wasn't right about the path, but just kind of trying to sneak down the path anyway... smile. You know, the lessons are the little pots of gold we pick up along the path. Fun stuff. the gifts of life.
One thing I will say is that I have never written so many songs in one period like this. she is right in the fact that it was a kind of muse thing. and for that I am eternally grateful. Girls are such amazing muses. Love is really. Entirely intoxicating. And as an artist I feed off of it. without love, without girls, I almost never write, and certainly not with this kind of passion... But it has its ups and downs, as with any drug. songwriting is awesome right now. I am on fire. Unstoppable. As soon as this legal battle is over, I will bury myself in the studio and just record for months straight to get all these songs down. Today it took me all of five minutes to write the song ‘everywhere she is there.’ and it’s fucking beautiful and brilliant.
“Can you imagine
what it would be like
to become aware
of an omnipresent ocean
of wild divine love
that has always been a secret to you
in the same way
that the sea is invisible to a fish?”
-- Rob Breszny
Little 8 year old Kasper from upstairs has been shouting out band names for me while I'm trying to write here... here are his ideas for cool band names. Feel free to use them: Tickle my pickle, the ek gangsters, the dark devils, pig ass, American wasteland is his favorite, the revenge of the nerds, foschizel my nizzle, Kissco, blood baths, cops on fire, happy taco, the undertaker, coming down from hell... the kid is brilliant.
current spin. The dandy warhols Come down. I love this album so much. Listening to it on my ipod on the subway – totally packed with people. and I'm just rocking out hard with myself and these earbuds. And I'm juking up and down in my own little dandy warhols world, and everyone is looking at me like ‘this guy is going at it! he might be crazy...’ You know, when the subway is packed like that, and I mean PACKED, where everyone is just crammed together like sardines or pigs in the truck before slaughter, there is nothing like the ipod. It is survival itself when it comes to the subways. And the Dandys really do rule. I am so into them.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Sept 15th Rockaway came into town
Sept 15th
Rockaway came into town for a gig. We had a great time hanging out for two nights. Just good to be with a close friend. In New York all I do is work home social work home social work home social.... not enough QT with good friends. We’re drinking Chivas on the rocks, popping Vs and Vs and talking about girls and money and gigs and all... just riding the train, headed for nowhere, sipping beer out of paper bags, and male bonding. The night of the show, he goes on stage and he's like ‘I love you man,’ and gives us a big hug. And in that moment I just loved that guy like a brother.
Later that evening and a few drinks further, the dove and I get into a huge fight. guy versus girl. Masculine versus feminine. Our fights suck. They're fun. but they suck. And this one was no exception. I tell her in a drunken slur ‘look you're leaving town tomorrow. I want to know what's up. I'm either holding the torch while you're gone, or I'm taking the time to get this out of my system. so what's it going to be?’ she wouldn’t even answer me. her nose in the air, staring off into the club at various nothings as if the outside was more important than our inside and my simple request. I'm trying to get clarification and she's feeling trapped and cornered. We are both drunk.
We get asked to leave because the place is closing. She decides she is going to follow the group we are with who are headed out to get more drinks. Totally unproductive not my scene thing. I am going to have a drink and then we will talk, she says. We head into Whiskey, on Lex. A yuppie bar for the short haired crowd. Loud bad music and idle talk of nothing. I feel as if I have been slung-shot back twenty years to the days before I understood that we were not trapped by life but rather had the freedom to create each moment as we prefer... but here I was trapped in some dark loud bad music bar with a bunch of short hairs and button ups who have nothing better to do with their lives than spend money they don't have on alcohol they don't need to drown sorrows they don't realize aren't even there.
She decides to head to the train and I am walking with her and we are both fuming.
You don't have to walk me. she puffs with her nose in the air.
I know I don't have to walk you. but I want to walk you. its two am in the morning. Just chill. I'm walking you.
More silence.
Just throw me a bone. Tell me what the fuck.
Its obvious how I feel and I will not speak about this anymore...
well if it were so obvious how you felt, then I wouldn’t be asking would I? just bat your eyes or something. give me a clue. C'mon. bat your eyelashes a few times or something...
You're ruining everything Fishy. everything is ruined!
how am I ruining everything? what is ruined? I'm just asking a simple fucking question.
And now you are using expletives! This is not right. I will have no more of it.
I didn't use any expletives.
Yes you certainly did. you said fuck.
I did?
Yes.
well whatever. just answer me. why won't you answer me?
Whatever to you.
she walks faster.
Fine.
Fine.
More silence. Fast walking.
Look. I see no reason for you to be upset.
I trusted you Fishy.
O.k. good. you should trust me. I have done nothing to betray your trust. What have I done?
You’ve ruined everything. I thought you were different.
I am different. You know what? take every guy you have ever known and put them all together into a big ball, o.k., isn't that nice, a big past guy ball, and now throw them all away because you still aren't even coming close to Fishy. So cool it with trying to compare me to other guys. I am different and you know it. Please don't challenge that. or I'm really going to start to doubt your sincerity in this and think you're a total drama queen. Which I do already.
You're the drama queen. Why are you making this a mellow drama?
I'm not making this a mellow anything. I asked you a simple question. Why won't you answer me?
I will not speak about this anymore.
o.k. fine. Then we won't talk about it. but the least you could do is tell me if we keep going like this, going out all the time, if we are ever going to date.
I don't even know what you are talking about. I do not know what dating is.
oh now you don't know what dating is? o.k. well I would say that you do. and I would say that you are being silly.
I don't. now please be quiet. you are ruining everything.
If we’re not then I'm going to keep dating other girls.
Then fine. Date other girls. I don't care.
I don't want to date other girls.
Then what do you want?
I want to date you.
I don't even know what that means. I do not speak your language. What does that even mean?
It means we date.
Well we are not dating.
I know we aren't dating. But will we? Are we headed for dating or are we just hanging our as friends? That's what I'm asking.
We are just friends. I thought you were my friend.
I am your friend. that won't change. One hundred percent. Just ask any of my other millions of girlfriends.
I am not your girlfriend.
I didn't say you were. I'm just saying that I have plenty of friends who are girls. I don't need any more.
Well too bad. Because that's what I thought I was. and you ruined it.
What? you just want me to treat you like one of my friends?
Yes.
Well I don't treat my friends like I treat you. I don't have the time for that.
Well too bad. You should.
No. I shouldn’t. I'm not going to spend all this time hanging out with some girl who's just my friend. I don't have the fucking time. I'd never get anything done. This is madness. And stupid.
Yes. it is. so please leave it.
O.k. so fine. I have my answer. then we aren't dating. That's all I was asking for. see how simple that was? Why did it have to take so long to get to that? that's all I wanted to know. Fine. You forced me to answer, so I'm just going to tell you what you don't want to hear.
O.k. fine. You do that. that's real mature.
Silence.
Have I tried to kiss you?
Silence. Fast walking. Not looking at me.
Have I tried to fool around with you at all? I mean, have we reached a point even close to that? have we even come close to anything like that?
No. and we aren't going to.
O.k. that's fine. And that's my point. I dont even know if i am attracted to you in that way. I think you're reading too much into this. I'm fine the way things are. I don't care if never fool around. seriously. I have plenty of girls I can fool around with.
I'm not listening!
I'm just saying that I don't care if we never fool around.
I'm not listening!
I don't care. I don't try because I haven't even thought about it. I would never dare think about it. o.k.? I'm happy with the way things are.
Well I'm not. not now. you’ve ruined everything. Now please stop.
Fine. But I know you got my point. So please, stop saying I ruined everything. nothing is ruined.
Well it is.
Fine. Well if everything can be ruined that easy, then what the hell was it worth? If we can’t even ask each other simple questions. For gods sake.
And on and on it went like that for too many minutes that felt like hours.
More silence.
And I'm like ‘I don't even believe you. you know that?
Fine.
Say whatever you want. But I don't believe you.
Well you should believe me. Do whatever you want to Fishy.
I will. and too bad for you and too bad for me. and too bad for us. you are not a dove. you are a silly goose.
Fine.
The whole way to the train like that. For blocks and blocks. It was grueling. It was horrible. And by the time we got to the station we both had these looks on our faces of just sheer pain. I walked out of the station cursing to myself out loud like some crazy. I just cursed the whole way home. In the back of the cab I just sat there with my arms crossed cursing out loud. Fuck fuck fuck. This fucking bitch. What the fuck was that? Fuck this. this is fucked. Fuck this. fuck fuck fuck. The driver didn't speak to me at all. he too prob thought I was crazy.
but I also felt freedom from it in some way. At least I was back on solid ground. Back to my old self. I was floating again, not falling. In retrospect this was a hilarious movie moment. not one either of us will soon forget I am sure. It should have ended in some mad passionate hot sex all night with shared coffee and sun-rising watching in the morning if it were indeed a movie. But it didn't. instead I laid in bed and felt like I had just returned from some virtual reality twilight zone amusement park ride.
I must say that I had a great time in that though. Those are the kind of moments we remember forever. If energy like that can be fueled towards productive endeavors, rather than worthless merry go rounds of the egos clashing... the possibilities would be endless.
Sept 14th
Poeming more and more. I have really started thinking differently about lyric writing. about writing in general. My mind has opened to this other world... my brain is occupying more space.
Last screening: Noam Chomsky, rebel without a pause. A little wonky this one is and a lot of repeated information. Nothing new. But good review of the facts.
Current spin: still listening to Bowie’s diamond dogs almost daily. Cannot believe what an amazing work that was.
Sept 12th
I am reading the autumn edition of a financial newsletter. The usual insider fare of the falling American dollar, the coming boom of what is now being called Chindia by the insiders – the force of India and china – who will together take over America to become the number one economic powerhouse in the world very soon. this is not bad news unless you are for some reason stuck on making your money through American means, or through investing in America, which wouldn’t be a good idea at this point – one can easily make tons more if they start switching their investing now to china and India. But the bad news was what I read about the coming oil crisis. About ten years ago I was rock climbing in Sedona Arizona with a geologist friend of mine. He told me that they possessed this secret knowledge that the world was quickly running out of oil. He told me that geologists knew it and discussed it daily, and that the governments of the world knew it as well, but it was something they didn't discuss with the general public for fear of causing a panic or economic recession. I was young at the time, did not have enough knowledge about the world to understand what oil was or what we used it for, or what running out of oil even meant, but I still felt this sensation of fear rise up inside of me. and mind you I was about five or six thousand feet up in the air on a vertical peak. So the last thing I needed was to think about the world running out of oil, no matter what it meant.
Flash forward to now. 2005. its been ten years since that fateful day that I will never forget. [I remember thinking to myself at that young and innocent age, ‘could it be true that the government knows things that we don't? Things that they aren't telling us? Could this running out of oil thing be a really bad thing?’ I was rather naieve I would say. Little did I know...] Two years ago, the largest super power in the world invaded the second largest oil producing country in the world, against the advice of every civilized nation in the world, and even against vehement denouncement by the entire civilized population of the world. The cost of oil has doubled and is higher than it’s ever been in history. There is talk of invading Iran of course. little sound bites come from the US government now and then. and of course a few brave new worlders point to an eventual attack on Venezuela by the US for similar purposes, though the stated purpose will be the same as it always is: freedom of a people repressed by a hostile and terrorist dictatorial government etc.
So what's up? Well we’re running out of oil. Check it: “Your grandchildren will live in a world without oil. IN the next one to four years, half the oil that the earth started with will be gone. And it we keep using it like we are, every drop will vanish by about 2029. that's in our fucking lifetimes. And yet no one speaks of this. Long before 2029 though the quality of crude oil will go from fair to terrible, the extraction costs will become crippling, and you will be paying 12 to $15 a gallon at the gas pump. The closest approximation NOW is that we will reach the halfway point by 2006. and that life itself, well human life, will revolve around oil – or the lack of it. And sometime before 2029 the earth will be tapped out completely.” Scary stuff.
You know, a lot of thoughts pop up around this: one, that Bush and his evil cohorts are smarter and bolder than the left-wing gives them credit for. After all, if we do win the battle for Iraq, and we get to occupy and subversively and covertly control those oil reserves, that along with our close relations with the dictatorship in Saudi Arabia, guarantees us easy access to big oil much longer than most other countries. It places us right back into a position of power that for the last few years we have been on the verge of losing due to our shrinking economy because of the decrease in our potential consumer base and production as compared to more developing countries. O.k. so we don't have as many consumers anymore because everyone here owns everything that the world has to offer and more, and our production potential continues to decline because we are farming every possible job out to other countries so where are the jobs and where is the money earning potential for Americans if jobs and production keep vanishing – is the only way for Americans to make money now in stocks and the bursting bubble of real estate? and the value of the dollar is shrinking so quickly that it is only a matter of time before it stops being the one security that the rest of the world wants to tie its own currency to because theirs is already so much more highly valued than ours.... all true, and becoming more so as each month passes... but look closely and one can see that if any of this is going to continue to be true in the long term picture, and if oil is already becoming the new gold, or the new dollar, or the new military might, then we have a good chance of retaining our world domination at least in our lifetimes.
And yeah I'm a do-gooder, or at least try to think I am sometimes, and i try to think about the greater good of all humanity and all that, but does that mean that I want the United States to become second place in the world to anyone in any category? Hell no. I think that inside each of us is this selfishness in regards to the country we were born in. we want America to continue to be the land of opportunity. My question underneath it all is just, where will the new money come from? Even if we do retain our military might around the world, and we take over the oil... how will new money be generated? We need another tech revolution or another industrial revolution or something akin to that. According to every financial newsletter I have read in the last two years, the big economic boom is over for America and the new center for profit and big money in the world is China and India. Period. America will become either number two, or number three, depending on how fast Europe continues to grow. But again, if we keep our military strong and control the oil, then we may just have to keep bullying everyone to maintain our control and dominance. Harsh words I know, but just another perspective from a different viewpoint entirely from how we normally think about things from the far left side of the spectrum that I usually operate.
Out with the dove more and more often. Calmer. Unsettling. Truly. But calmer than last week. learning to poem. Shifting brain sides I think. learning to float.
Current spin: Ravel; Daphnis et Chloe. One of the best pieces of music of all time. this is heaven in sound.
Last screening: Noam Chomsky, distorted morality. Brilliant. see it. make no excuses. If you don't rent it and watch it and you find yourself in discussions with informed people who are walking all over your brain because you don't know anything, don't say I didn't warn you. I couldn’t give a better recommendation than Noam Chomsky right now in light of current world events.
Sept 11th
Four years since the attack of the world trade centers. Church this morning. The Rev as we call him delivered his best sermon ever. I am going to try to post the audio somewhere. it was at once a scathing attack on the current administration and their failure of duty since sept 11th, and a desperate plea for guidance and strength and courage and hope in these times of trouble. He gestured and emoted more dramatically than I had ever seen him before. the month off did him well. it was a magnificent display. Heartfelt more than ever, and yet as always intellectual. He wondered allowed with all of us as to why the powers that be in America at this time do not seem to posses the same call of personal and institutional duty as most leaders do or are even normally want to do by getting into leadership roles in the first place. this is a Yale educated Methodist preacher on park avenue in one of the finest cathedrals in Manhattan – a distinguished looking sharp witty humble cheerful well educated man, but he was spiritually moaning, almost groaning, lamenting, for all of us, for the entire congregation... attempting to express for us what the whole country has been feeling for weeks now, and perhaps for some of us years, especially today. very powerful indeed. he has turned into a mentor of mine. I admire him greatly. The way he speaks, the things he says. His prayers are kick ass, his control of the audience and the sequence of events is kick ass. he begins his prayers by saying “loving one...” to address God. that is just so transcendent. Love it.
Today was perhaps the most spiritual day I have had in that church thus far in this journey. In any church. That's for sure. Several things: for one, because of the date it was, and because I had been out all night and hadn't slept, and because of a few of the things I am going through, I just really went for deep prayer this time. I sat and stood when we were supposed to, but other than that I was just immersed in what I can only describe as deep prayer, communion with my idea/conception of a higher power. which I must say as each day passes I get closer and closer to feeling and understanding and feeling closer to.
Impossible to understand. Yes? impossible to describe. Impossible to put into words. impossible to defend or confine or limit through attempting thus. Just being with it. praying to it. talking to it. talking with it. listening to it. feeling it.
While everyone sang, both the congregation and the soloists throughout the service, I never even lifted my head up. I just sat there head bowed, hands folded, in deep prayer and communion with this force. Two remarkable things: at one point I saw this face pop up in my head, in my mind I guess one would say. It was cherubic, angelic, boyish, cute, lovely, graceful, youthful, but ancient looking – like out of a picture book from centuries ago, curly hair. Pale skin. I watched my thoughts; ‘wow. what is that? who is that? pay attention to this. don't let it get away. try to keep your attention on that face. wow. what a feeling. What is this feeling? What a beautiful smile. Wow. I wonder who that is. what is this? try to stay focused on it. is it me? from a past life? me from a future life? someone I am going to meet some day?’ and then I felt this knowing, heard this answer so to speak. ‘it is an angel. Of course. it is an angel.’ Or perhaps. ‘I am angel. And all is well.’ was the feeling. And it was grace personified in that moment. I smiled heartily, like a child. And was very happy.
That was great. but there is more. the inside of the church is very high ceilinged. And at the top above the pulpit there is this picture of Jesus in tile mosaic. And he has his right hand up. and he is point up with a finger. And I never pay attention to Jesus. Not there on the ceiling and not in my day to ay life. because I am so conflicted about that. but I do pray about it. I pray about wanting to know if there is anything that I need to know from him or It or whatever.... so today I just stared at him for a while and I felt these messages beaming down from him speaking to me. crazy I know. trust me. I will be the first to Baker act myself here on this one. totally nuts if I were to read this penned by anyone else. but I tell you, I felt these very subtle messages. He/it was speaking to me. the message at first was ‘just listen.’ and so I listened. And the messages were clear, concise, direct, loving, unconditionally so, and compassionate. And they made sense. And they were perfectly logical and clear but direct and stern and without bullshit. and they made sense to me. and for the first time I felt what people might be referring to when they utter the words ‘Christ consciousness.’ [which I normally box into an idea called new-age malarkey. But I couldn’t box this experience in like that. it was too real. Too obvious. Too clear.]
I have no idea what that was. or why it is or how it is. nor at this point do I care about enunciating it or trying to figure it out or making sense of it. was it just me? talking to myself? my higher self? Another self? A future self? Another part of the brain? Another being/entity/another aspect of consciousness? Was it Jesus? Was it the idea I hold of Jesus? The brain’s collection of all that I have heard about or hope to be or thought about Jesus in my entire past and future life projected onto this picture? Sure. All of the above. But profound nonetheless.
The messages were to forgive. To forgive times 77 times. just let go and forgive and love and care unconditionally. Give what you want to and long to receive. Be the example. before you receive. Give. And forgive.
And also, to get clean. to clean up my act physically now. I've done the inter-personal work now. mentally spiritually emotionally cleaned up. but you're going to stagnate here if you don't clean up physically. You know it. why aren't you doing it? you will gain a lot more calm, a lot more peace, a lot more intuition, and insight, if you finish this job now. clean up. I heard the message. But yet I hated to hear them. I don't want to clean up. I am scared to. I don't know how to. this is the inner dialogue that I wrestle with. God I know I should but I don't want to clean up. I don't know how to clean up. if I clean up, what the hell am I going to do with all my energy? What the hell am I going to do with all of my time? classic addict’s mentality. I know. I'm there. I'm in it. I'm dealing with it. I'm attempting to be with it unconditionally and with appreciation. God I don't want to get fucking fat. LOL. people who get clean start eating more and get fat. fuck that. etc. etc. and so it is.
Dear Providence,
I really believe it is a personal decision that one comes to on and off throughout their lives... sometimes we feel this desire for more spiritual community and connection and fulfillment, and sometimes we feel more of a need for philosophical understanding. A healthy balance can be achieved between both I believe in ones lifetime. In fact, it must be. or one will be sacrificing the mind for the heart or vice versa....
Fishy,
thanks for the talk. after our discussion today, i realize that you do understand how i feel and that's a miracle, in my view. you're the first person i've been able to talk to about my struggles with tibetan buddhism and heart vs. mind/philosophical fulfillment vs. spiritual fulfillment who actually understands what i'm saying. i honestly didn't think i'd ever run into anyone who could.
-P
I spent most of the day with the dove in the park. Tenseness still very strong. tightness in my body and constantly feeling nauseous, uptight, anxious. But we talked a bit in this weird way lying on these rocks in a lake by the bank, facing away from each other. and there in that space we were able to express ourselves, say things, without looking at one another, that normally we wouldn’t say. It helped. Less tense. More understanding. More unconditional understanding and acceptance of what is.
Still feel like I talk too much. I just fucking talk too much. I hate that about myself and wish to discreate it. the dove comments that sometimes I am so intense and talkative that I am like a train that just wants to roll over everything in its path, or a big fire that is just burning forward, inflaming everything along the way. need to mellow out dude.
Writing great songs right now. really on a roll. one after the other right now. the dove sends me poems and I turn them into songs in a matter of hours or a day or two. Its great. a whole new thing for me. having someone else pen some lyrics takes a lot of pressure off songwriting for me.
I'll tell you one thing again and again and again. there are a lot of things in life that you can seek advice on and get answers. But there are a lot of other things in life that you can seek answers to and just not find anything except this: ‘you are going to have to decide this for yourself.’ I fucking hate that. I just hate it. I think sometimes when there are things that we want to know the most, these are the things that we are going to have to decide for ourselves. And if you are used to always just getting answers for everything, then you can struggle with that reality. We demand and long for all of the answers. But some of them we are just going to have to supply for ourselves. That is why we are here.
Rockaway came into town for a gig. We had a great time hanging out for two nights. Just good to be with a close friend. In New York all I do is work home social work home social work home social.... not enough QT with good friends. We’re drinking Chivas on the rocks, popping Vs and Vs and talking about girls and money and gigs and all... just riding the train, headed for nowhere, sipping beer out of paper bags, and male bonding. The night of the show, he goes on stage and he's like ‘I love you man,’ and gives us a big hug. And in that moment I just loved that guy like a brother.
Later that evening and a few drinks further, the dove and I get into a huge fight. guy versus girl. Masculine versus feminine. Our fights suck. They're fun. but they suck. And this one was no exception. I tell her in a drunken slur ‘look you're leaving town tomorrow. I want to know what's up. I'm either holding the torch while you're gone, or I'm taking the time to get this out of my system. so what's it going to be?’ she wouldn’t even answer me. her nose in the air, staring off into the club at various nothings as if the outside was more important than our inside and my simple request. I'm trying to get clarification and she's feeling trapped and cornered. We are both drunk.
We get asked to leave because the place is closing. She decides she is going to follow the group we are with who are headed out to get more drinks. Totally unproductive not my scene thing. I am going to have a drink and then we will talk, she says. We head into Whiskey, on Lex. A yuppie bar for the short haired crowd. Loud bad music and idle talk of nothing. I feel as if I have been slung-shot back twenty years to the days before I understood that we were not trapped by life but rather had the freedom to create each moment as we prefer... but here I was trapped in some dark loud bad music bar with a bunch of short hairs and button ups who have nothing better to do with their lives than spend money they don't have on alcohol they don't need to drown sorrows they don't realize aren't even there.
She decides to head to the train and I am walking with her and we are both fuming.
You don't have to walk me. she puffs with her nose in the air.
I know I don't have to walk you. but I want to walk you. its two am in the morning. Just chill. I'm walking you.
More silence.
Just throw me a bone. Tell me what the fuck.
Its obvious how I feel and I will not speak about this anymore...
well if it were so obvious how you felt, then I wouldn’t be asking would I? just bat your eyes or something. give me a clue. C'mon. bat your eyelashes a few times or something...
You're ruining everything Fishy. everything is ruined!
how am I ruining everything? what is ruined? I'm just asking a simple fucking question.
And now you are using expletives! This is not right. I will have no more of it.
I didn't use any expletives.
Yes you certainly did. you said fuck.
I did?
Yes.
well whatever. just answer me. why won't you answer me?
Whatever to you.
she walks faster.
Fine.
Fine.
More silence. Fast walking.
Look. I see no reason for you to be upset.
I trusted you Fishy.
O.k. good. you should trust me. I have done nothing to betray your trust. What have I done?
You’ve ruined everything. I thought you were different.
I am different. You know what? take every guy you have ever known and put them all together into a big ball, o.k., isn't that nice, a big past guy ball, and now throw them all away because you still aren't even coming close to Fishy. So cool it with trying to compare me to other guys. I am different and you know it. Please don't challenge that. or I'm really going to start to doubt your sincerity in this and think you're a total drama queen. Which I do already.
You're the drama queen. Why are you making this a mellow drama?
I'm not making this a mellow anything. I asked you a simple question. Why won't you answer me?
I will not speak about this anymore.
o.k. fine. Then we won't talk about it. but the least you could do is tell me if we keep going like this, going out all the time, if we are ever going to date.
I don't even know what you are talking about. I do not know what dating is.
oh now you don't know what dating is? o.k. well I would say that you do. and I would say that you are being silly.
I don't. now please be quiet. you are ruining everything.
If we’re not then I'm going to keep dating other girls.
Then fine. Date other girls. I don't care.
I don't want to date other girls.
Then what do you want?
I want to date you.
I don't even know what that means. I do not speak your language. What does that even mean?
It means we date.
Well we are not dating.
I know we aren't dating. But will we? Are we headed for dating or are we just hanging our as friends? That's what I'm asking.
We are just friends. I thought you were my friend.
I am your friend. that won't change. One hundred percent. Just ask any of my other millions of girlfriends.
I am not your girlfriend.
I didn't say you were. I'm just saying that I have plenty of friends who are girls. I don't need any more.
Well too bad. Because that's what I thought I was. and you ruined it.
What? you just want me to treat you like one of my friends?
Yes.
Well I don't treat my friends like I treat you. I don't have the time for that.
Well too bad. You should.
No. I shouldn’t. I'm not going to spend all this time hanging out with some girl who's just my friend. I don't have the fucking time. I'd never get anything done. This is madness. And stupid.
Yes. it is. so please leave it.
O.k. so fine. I have my answer. then we aren't dating. That's all I was asking for. see how simple that was? Why did it have to take so long to get to that? that's all I wanted to know. Fine. You forced me to answer, so I'm just going to tell you what you don't want to hear.
O.k. fine. You do that. that's real mature.
Silence.
Have I tried to kiss you?
Silence. Fast walking. Not looking at me.
Have I tried to fool around with you at all? I mean, have we reached a point even close to that? have we even come close to anything like that?
No. and we aren't going to.
O.k. that's fine. And that's my point. I dont even know if i am attracted to you in that way. I think you're reading too much into this. I'm fine the way things are. I don't care if never fool around. seriously. I have plenty of girls I can fool around with.
I'm not listening!
I'm just saying that I don't care if we never fool around.
I'm not listening!
I don't care. I don't try because I haven't even thought about it. I would never dare think about it. o.k.? I'm happy with the way things are.
Well I'm not. not now. you’ve ruined everything. Now please stop.
Fine. But I know you got my point. So please, stop saying I ruined everything. nothing is ruined.
Well it is.
Fine. Well if everything can be ruined that easy, then what the hell was it worth? If we can’t even ask each other simple questions. For gods sake.
And on and on it went like that for too many minutes that felt like hours.
More silence.
And I'm like ‘I don't even believe you. you know that?
Fine.
Say whatever you want. But I don't believe you.
Well you should believe me. Do whatever you want to Fishy.
I will. and too bad for you and too bad for me. and too bad for us. you are not a dove. you are a silly goose.
Fine.
The whole way to the train like that. For blocks and blocks. It was grueling. It was horrible. And by the time we got to the station we both had these looks on our faces of just sheer pain. I walked out of the station cursing to myself out loud like some crazy. I just cursed the whole way home. In the back of the cab I just sat there with my arms crossed cursing out loud. Fuck fuck fuck. This fucking bitch. What the fuck was that? Fuck this. this is fucked. Fuck this. fuck fuck fuck. The driver didn't speak to me at all. he too prob thought I was crazy.
but I also felt freedom from it in some way. At least I was back on solid ground. Back to my old self. I was floating again, not falling. In retrospect this was a hilarious movie moment. not one either of us will soon forget I am sure. It should have ended in some mad passionate hot sex all night with shared coffee and sun-rising watching in the morning if it were indeed a movie. But it didn't. instead I laid in bed and felt like I had just returned from some virtual reality twilight zone amusement park ride.
I must say that I had a great time in that though. Those are the kind of moments we remember forever. If energy like that can be fueled towards productive endeavors, rather than worthless merry go rounds of the egos clashing... the possibilities would be endless.
Sept 14th
Poeming more and more. I have really started thinking differently about lyric writing. about writing in general. My mind has opened to this other world... my brain is occupying more space.
Last screening: Noam Chomsky, rebel without a pause. A little wonky this one is and a lot of repeated information. Nothing new. But good review of the facts.
Current spin: still listening to Bowie’s diamond dogs almost daily. Cannot believe what an amazing work that was.
Sept 12th
I am reading the autumn edition of a financial newsletter. The usual insider fare of the falling American dollar, the coming boom of what is now being called Chindia by the insiders – the force of India and china – who will together take over America to become the number one economic powerhouse in the world very soon. this is not bad news unless you are for some reason stuck on making your money through American means, or through investing in America, which wouldn’t be a good idea at this point – one can easily make tons more if they start switching their investing now to china and India. But the bad news was what I read about the coming oil crisis. About ten years ago I was rock climbing in Sedona Arizona with a geologist friend of mine. He told me that they possessed this secret knowledge that the world was quickly running out of oil. He told me that geologists knew it and discussed it daily, and that the governments of the world knew it as well, but it was something they didn't discuss with the general public for fear of causing a panic or economic recession. I was young at the time, did not have enough knowledge about the world to understand what oil was or what we used it for, or what running out of oil even meant, but I still felt this sensation of fear rise up inside of me. and mind you I was about five or six thousand feet up in the air on a vertical peak. So the last thing I needed was to think about the world running out of oil, no matter what it meant.
Flash forward to now. 2005. its been ten years since that fateful day that I will never forget. [I remember thinking to myself at that young and innocent age, ‘could it be true that the government knows things that we don't? Things that they aren't telling us? Could this running out of oil thing be a really bad thing?’ I was rather naieve I would say. Little did I know...] Two years ago, the largest super power in the world invaded the second largest oil producing country in the world, against the advice of every civilized nation in the world, and even against vehement denouncement by the entire civilized population of the world. The cost of oil has doubled and is higher than it’s ever been in history. There is talk of invading Iran of course. little sound bites come from the US government now and then. and of course a few brave new worlders point to an eventual attack on Venezuela by the US for similar purposes, though the stated purpose will be the same as it always is: freedom of a people repressed by a hostile and terrorist dictatorial government etc.
So what's up? Well we’re running out of oil. Check it: “Your grandchildren will live in a world without oil. IN the next one to four years, half the oil that the earth started with will be gone. And it we keep using it like we are, every drop will vanish by about 2029. that's in our fucking lifetimes. And yet no one speaks of this. Long before 2029 though the quality of crude oil will go from fair to terrible, the extraction costs will become crippling, and you will be paying 12 to $15 a gallon at the gas pump. The closest approximation NOW is that we will reach the halfway point by 2006. and that life itself, well human life, will revolve around oil – or the lack of it. And sometime before 2029 the earth will be tapped out completely.” Scary stuff.
You know, a lot of thoughts pop up around this: one, that Bush and his evil cohorts are smarter and bolder than the left-wing gives them credit for. After all, if we do win the battle for Iraq, and we get to occupy and subversively and covertly control those oil reserves, that along with our close relations with the dictatorship in Saudi Arabia, guarantees us easy access to big oil much longer than most other countries. It places us right back into a position of power that for the last few years we have been on the verge of losing due to our shrinking economy because of the decrease in our potential consumer base and production as compared to more developing countries. O.k. so we don't have as many consumers anymore because everyone here owns everything that the world has to offer and more, and our production potential continues to decline because we are farming every possible job out to other countries so where are the jobs and where is the money earning potential for Americans if jobs and production keep vanishing – is the only way for Americans to make money now in stocks and the bursting bubble of real estate? and the value of the dollar is shrinking so quickly that it is only a matter of time before it stops being the one security that the rest of the world wants to tie its own currency to because theirs is already so much more highly valued than ours.... all true, and becoming more so as each month passes... but look closely and one can see that if any of this is going to continue to be true in the long term picture, and if oil is already becoming the new gold, or the new dollar, or the new military might, then we have a good chance of retaining our world domination at least in our lifetimes.
And yeah I'm a do-gooder, or at least try to think I am sometimes, and i try to think about the greater good of all humanity and all that, but does that mean that I want the United States to become second place in the world to anyone in any category? Hell no. I think that inside each of us is this selfishness in regards to the country we were born in. we want America to continue to be the land of opportunity. My question underneath it all is just, where will the new money come from? Even if we do retain our military might around the world, and we take over the oil... how will new money be generated? We need another tech revolution or another industrial revolution or something akin to that. According to every financial newsletter I have read in the last two years, the big economic boom is over for America and the new center for profit and big money in the world is China and India. Period. America will become either number two, or number three, depending on how fast Europe continues to grow. But again, if we keep our military strong and control the oil, then we may just have to keep bullying everyone to maintain our control and dominance. Harsh words I know, but just another perspective from a different viewpoint entirely from how we normally think about things from the far left side of the spectrum that I usually operate.
Out with the dove more and more often. Calmer. Unsettling. Truly. But calmer than last week. learning to poem. Shifting brain sides I think. learning to float.
Current spin: Ravel; Daphnis et Chloe. One of the best pieces of music of all time. this is heaven in sound.
Last screening: Noam Chomsky, distorted morality. Brilliant. see it. make no excuses. If you don't rent it and watch it and you find yourself in discussions with informed people who are walking all over your brain because you don't know anything, don't say I didn't warn you. I couldn’t give a better recommendation than Noam Chomsky right now in light of current world events.
Sept 11th
Four years since the attack of the world trade centers. Church this morning. The Rev as we call him delivered his best sermon ever. I am going to try to post the audio somewhere. it was at once a scathing attack on the current administration and their failure of duty since sept 11th, and a desperate plea for guidance and strength and courage and hope in these times of trouble. He gestured and emoted more dramatically than I had ever seen him before. the month off did him well. it was a magnificent display. Heartfelt more than ever, and yet as always intellectual. He wondered allowed with all of us as to why the powers that be in America at this time do not seem to posses the same call of personal and institutional duty as most leaders do or are even normally want to do by getting into leadership roles in the first place. this is a Yale educated Methodist preacher on park avenue in one of the finest cathedrals in Manhattan – a distinguished looking sharp witty humble cheerful well educated man, but he was spiritually moaning, almost groaning, lamenting, for all of us, for the entire congregation... attempting to express for us what the whole country has been feeling for weeks now, and perhaps for some of us years, especially today. very powerful indeed. he has turned into a mentor of mine. I admire him greatly. The way he speaks, the things he says. His prayers are kick ass, his control of the audience and the sequence of events is kick ass. he begins his prayers by saying “loving one...” to address God. that is just so transcendent. Love it.
Today was perhaps the most spiritual day I have had in that church thus far in this journey. In any church. That's for sure. Several things: for one, because of the date it was, and because I had been out all night and hadn't slept, and because of a few of the things I am going through, I just really went for deep prayer this time. I sat and stood when we were supposed to, but other than that I was just immersed in what I can only describe as deep prayer, communion with my idea/conception of a higher power. which I must say as each day passes I get closer and closer to feeling and understanding and feeling closer to.
Impossible to understand. Yes? impossible to describe. Impossible to put into words. impossible to defend or confine or limit through attempting thus. Just being with it. praying to it. talking to it. talking with it. listening to it. feeling it.
While everyone sang, both the congregation and the soloists throughout the service, I never even lifted my head up. I just sat there head bowed, hands folded, in deep prayer and communion with this force. Two remarkable things: at one point I saw this face pop up in my head, in my mind I guess one would say. It was cherubic, angelic, boyish, cute, lovely, graceful, youthful, but ancient looking – like out of a picture book from centuries ago, curly hair. Pale skin. I watched my thoughts; ‘wow. what is that? who is that? pay attention to this. don't let it get away. try to keep your attention on that face. wow. what a feeling. What is this feeling? What a beautiful smile. Wow. I wonder who that is. what is this? try to stay focused on it. is it me? from a past life? me from a future life? someone I am going to meet some day?’ and then I felt this knowing, heard this answer so to speak. ‘it is an angel. Of course. it is an angel.’ Or perhaps. ‘I am angel. And all is well.’ was the feeling. And it was grace personified in that moment. I smiled heartily, like a child. And was very happy.
That was great. but there is more. the inside of the church is very high ceilinged. And at the top above the pulpit there is this picture of Jesus in tile mosaic. And he has his right hand up. and he is point up with a finger. And I never pay attention to Jesus. Not there on the ceiling and not in my day to ay life. because I am so conflicted about that. but I do pray about it. I pray about wanting to know if there is anything that I need to know from him or It or whatever.... so today I just stared at him for a while and I felt these messages beaming down from him speaking to me. crazy I know. trust me. I will be the first to Baker act myself here on this one. totally nuts if I were to read this penned by anyone else. but I tell you, I felt these very subtle messages. He/it was speaking to me. the message at first was ‘just listen.’ and so I listened. And the messages were clear, concise, direct, loving, unconditionally so, and compassionate. And they made sense. And they were perfectly logical and clear but direct and stern and without bullshit. and they made sense to me. and for the first time I felt what people might be referring to when they utter the words ‘Christ consciousness.’ [which I normally box into an idea called new-age malarkey. But I couldn’t box this experience in like that. it was too real. Too obvious. Too clear.]
I have no idea what that was. or why it is or how it is. nor at this point do I care about enunciating it or trying to figure it out or making sense of it. was it just me? talking to myself? my higher self? Another self? A future self? Another part of the brain? Another being/entity/another aspect of consciousness? Was it Jesus? Was it the idea I hold of Jesus? The brain’s collection of all that I have heard about or hope to be or thought about Jesus in my entire past and future life projected onto this picture? Sure. All of the above. But profound nonetheless.
The messages were to forgive. To forgive times 77 times. just let go and forgive and love and care unconditionally. Give what you want to and long to receive. Be the example. before you receive. Give. And forgive.
And also, to get clean. to clean up my act physically now. I've done the inter-personal work now. mentally spiritually emotionally cleaned up. but you're going to stagnate here if you don't clean up physically. You know it. why aren't you doing it? you will gain a lot more calm, a lot more peace, a lot more intuition, and insight, if you finish this job now. clean up. I heard the message. But yet I hated to hear them. I don't want to clean up. I am scared to. I don't know how to. this is the inner dialogue that I wrestle with. God I know I should but I don't want to clean up. I don't know how to clean up. if I clean up, what the hell am I going to do with all my energy? What the hell am I going to do with all of my time? classic addict’s mentality. I know. I'm there. I'm in it. I'm dealing with it. I'm attempting to be with it unconditionally and with appreciation. God I don't want to get fucking fat. LOL. people who get clean start eating more and get fat. fuck that. etc. etc. and so it is.
Dear Providence,
I really believe it is a personal decision that one comes to on and off throughout their lives... sometimes we feel this desire for more spiritual community and connection and fulfillment, and sometimes we feel more of a need for philosophical understanding. A healthy balance can be achieved between both I believe in ones lifetime. In fact, it must be. or one will be sacrificing the mind for the heart or vice versa....
Fishy,
thanks for the talk. after our discussion today, i realize that you do understand how i feel and that's a miracle, in my view. you're the first person i've been able to talk to about my struggles with tibetan buddhism and heart vs. mind/philosophical fulfillment vs. spiritual fulfillment who actually understands what i'm saying. i honestly didn't think i'd ever run into anyone who could.
-P
I spent most of the day with the dove in the park. Tenseness still very strong. tightness in my body and constantly feeling nauseous, uptight, anxious. But we talked a bit in this weird way lying on these rocks in a lake by the bank, facing away from each other. and there in that space we were able to express ourselves, say things, without looking at one another, that normally we wouldn’t say. It helped. Less tense. More understanding. More unconditional understanding and acceptance of what is.
Still feel like I talk too much. I just fucking talk too much. I hate that about myself and wish to discreate it. the dove comments that sometimes I am so intense and talkative that I am like a train that just wants to roll over everything in its path, or a big fire that is just burning forward, inflaming everything along the way. need to mellow out dude.
Writing great songs right now. really on a roll. one after the other right now. the dove sends me poems and I turn them into songs in a matter of hours or a day or two. Its great. a whole new thing for me. having someone else pen some lyrics takes a lot of pressure off songwriting for me.
I'll tell you one thing again and again and again. there are a lot of things in life that you can seek advice on and get answers. But there are a lot of other things in life that you can seek answers to and just not find anything except this: ‘you are going to have to decide this for yourself.’ I fucking hate that. I just hate it. I think sometimes when there are things that we want to know the most, these are the things that we are going to have to decide for ourselves. And if you are used to always just getting answers for everything, then you can struggle with that reality. We demand and long for all of the answers. But some of them we are just going to have to supply for ourselves. That is why we are here.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Sept 10th Jules, I dreamed of us this morning.
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)