Looking through time magazine’s annual year in pictures issue. A solemn affair. From grieving widows in Kashmir, to parentless children in Palestine, from 25 million orphans in Africa due to their parents death of aids, to Liberian refugees who live and die in camps, tens of thousands of people dead in a small country called Chechnya fighting for their freedom and independence from a greedy evil uncaring empire called Russia, and the Russian theatre goers who became victims of their own country’s greed, much the same way that thousands died in New York city from September 11^th attacks paid for their own country’s greed and mistakes in foreign policy and covert operations all over the world. A whole country called Venezuela in complete and utter desperate turmoil and not a soul in the western world seems to care because there is nothing to be gained by it. so we turn away. death death death and more death. All over the world. Sadness tears blood and torture. This was the year we saw in time magazine’s annual review. This is the current state of the world all of a sudden. Bombs in Bali. Snipers in DC. Gulf War veteran killing his teachers, fellow students, and himself in Arizona. Every page more pain and sadness. And beneath it all, lies lies and more lies. From the mouths of the ‘rich and in control’ to the ears of the ignorant middle classes. 

I'm thinking ‘remember when it wasn't like this?’ ‘Remember when all we thought about was which stock was going to rise the highest today? Should we buy Amazon or sell EBay? You bought what? A BMW 330Ci convertible? Well look at my new Audi! Did it matter that Clinton boffed his intern?  Well wouldn’t you? No? Look at her. Yea I know, but still…c’mon, you would…’ These were the worries of days gone by. 

O.k. so now what? What happened? Where have all the good times gone? What is this dark cloud over the world? Is it just the fact that the Bushes have taken over??? Well I have a lot of friends who would love to make you believe that. but I laugh as I think about it. nah. If anything the fact that he was somehow elected (o.k. not really elected, but you know, finagled his way into the white house)—I mean this in a big picture sort of way---is more of a symptom of the darkness that has somehow enveloped the earth---rather than him being the cause of it; as if it's Armageddon time now on planet earth. In better happier times someone like that would never be sitting in the white house. So silly simple and smarmy. What’s going on? I don't know. The world is filled with sadness and pain, more than ever. Wars are breaking out everywhere. People are shooting each other more than ever. Things like the super bowl seem so superficial and silly in the eye of such a storm brewing in our midst.

Part of me wants to just hibernate, which is the action that most people are taking these days. They call it nesting. Not spending money, keeping to themselves, not going out as much, taking care of the wife and kids and pets and just minding your own business. Wait for the sun to start shining again. Well I don't have any wife or kids, so part of me says to keep getting out there and fighting the good fight. How many non-profits and charity orgs can you join? How many orphans can you sponsor before you need a sponsor yourself? How many marches can you participate in until you realize that it won't really do much? The gears are already set into motion by powers that be that are much bigger than any of the people they govern. The world is at war, all over the earth. It does seem very much like what extreme religious groups call the end of the world doesn’t it? 

You know, it's funny, because you can wake up everyday and just be filled with so much joy and happiness and inspiration, spread your arms out and yawn and shout ‘good morning!’ to no one in particular because you are so happy to be alive. And then throughout the day we get reminded of everything going on all over the world. Makes you think, what the hell am I doing? I'm really not doing a damn thing to help out in any of this. Is living enough? Is that it? Just try to stay alive, give to charities, sponsor kids, give to homeless people, protest and march when you can? I mean is there anything else that we can do?

This voice in my head goes off sometimes, reminding me of what Ferret always says, like a drill sergeant, “Fishy what the fuck are you going on about? Israel has nothing to do with you. Iraq has nothing to do with you. Kabul and Chechnya and Africa have nothing to do with you. stop wasting your time worrying about it….” I cringe thinking about this, but this is the way that a lot of my friends feel. We talk about it sometimes. They don't know. they don't care. They say “it's not our concern to worry about how many thousands of Iraqis will die. Fuck them. We live in Florida for god sakes. Are we going out tonight or what?!” it makes me feel sick. Like something is not right. I think—I can’t say for sure because I wasn't there—but I think this is the same type of non-action and avoidance that kept things like slavery going on for so long in America, or enabled so many Native Americans to be killed or so many millions of Jews to be killed in world war II. It's this kind of nonchalant ‘oh fuck it’ attitude that a lot of my generation and just people in general have about things that don't affect them directly. Am I the last fucking person standing who gives a shit what we are doing to each other?

And lets say I'm not. Lets pretend that there's many of us. What the fuck are we doing to right all these wrongs all over the world?

I see this stuff in the magazines and in the news and it makes me feel sick and sad so I always feel like I have to do something about it. So I try to dedicate a large majority of my time to these things. My father and grandfather had always called me a “bleeding heart” and they would say it as if it were an insult. Always making fun of me. So for a long time I felt very bad about feeling bad about other people’s suffering, like there was something wrong with me for doing so. 

But now I don't know. maybe that's the only way we are going to change things. Looking at the magazine today, at all the pain and suffering going on, I started feeling this kind of resentment for the people I knew who didn't really do anything to help out. The people who kind of mind their own business  and try to ignore the problems going on all around them, and all over the world. Wasn't necessarily a deliberate feeling, just something I noticed inside of me, cause really I'm not sure how we should feel. Like I have said, I don't know what the answer is. Part of me says ‘fuck it, just try to survive these dark days yourself and just try to take care of your family and friends. After all, that is what most people are doing.’ And then another part says, ‘no man, better to die on the front lines trying to make a difference in the world, rather than live to a ripe old age knowing that you did nothing.’