This morning I woke up and the first thought that came in that I noticed when I was stumbling to the bathroom was that I was truly happy about my music. I had spent the better part of all night tossing and turning because I was so psyched about this new album we are making. No pressures just getting together making music that we like. I realized that for the last fifteen years—has it been that long?!---since I have been making music semi-professionally that success to me had always been about making a lot of money and being famous for making music and then in the last year or two something had changed—really in the last six months more like it; all of a sudden I was realizing more and more that I was experiencing real genuine happiness from just being me making my music, just living my art, whether it be the music or the writing or the photo shoots or whatever. But that I have just been on this high like you read about, a kind of enlightenment or bliss inside of me just because I am peaking with my art. and you know this is regardless of the fact that I am still totally broke and not only do we not make any money from it but actually are still spending every free cent we make from other things to fund it. but that it somehow feels worth it. 

I'm not saying that we don't want to make success with it, cause I think we do. we've been working so hard at it for so long. The piano man works as a real piano man almost seven nights a week straight to make his living. Bars clubs parties weddings. And he still finds a way to play with us and do little tours and make albums. Its fucking crazy. we would all love for him to be able to stop doing that and to just do this full time. each of us with our little things on the side to try to make ends meet. I think Father Bloopy is a gigolo on the side—he makes good money. G2, our Internet and graphics guru, who is literally like a member of our band has these depression break-downs every few weeks about our lack of financial success or the lack of actual “fans or customers” we have. and I understand his frustration because we all work so hard at it, but I tell him hey man don't sweat about the fans and money we don't have, lets celebrate the fans and money that we do have. ‘the bad news is that we only sold fifty Cds last month? Yes but the good news is that we sold fifty CDs last month.” So maybe I'm a madman and everyone knows it but me. But I am, finally, and gratefully, a happy madman. 

I can relate to how G2 feels. Cause over the last fifteen years I used to feel that way. I couldn’t let myself enjoy the music making experience because it was all so tied to the idea of success being about fame and money. But now, I don't know, I just feel so happy to be in the flow of creating great art—like where there's a will there's a way—you know you're going to do it no matter what—and all of a sudden all the other bullshit stops mattering. [this is kind of gross but quite telling but it reminds me of the whole dental thing. Dentistry is not an inexpensive investment for anyone. And most musicians or artists don't have insurance or anything. So the dentist gives the artist an estimate for all this dental work he needs and it comes to like 10 or 20 thousand dollars to get it all done, but he is also trying to create his next album or film or whatever and the budget for that comes in at just under fifty thousand if he’s lucky, so of course the teeth are the first thing to go.] I guess I had/have been so caught up inside of this lifestyle for so long that I was never able to view it from the outside until recently. I just always WAS IT. and so I just always felt sorry for myself that I had to struggle and live that kind of struggling lifestyle. But now I look at it and I feel a kind of amazement and an honor to be me. Like ‘wow, I've been doing THAT for the last fifteen years??!!! And didn't even know it??!!” well I guess I am kind of lucky to wake up one day and realize that. It was like at that show when I told God ‘hey I'm just going to quit’ in my mind, and he said, ‘great go ahead. No problem. You don't have to do this.’ and all of a sudden I realized ‘I don't have to do this?’ That I AM CHOOSING TO DO THIS. Wow. O.k. now I understand. I am choosing to do this.