I am at the foot of the Alps now in a little town called Bolzano near the Austrian border. I am now most definitely lost, which is fine. It is much cooler here. I needed a break. Traveled all day yesterday. Finally settled here.

I woke up at about 5 am this morning crying from a dream. I don't know if I have ever experienced that before. Where you are asleep and then you become aware that you are dreaming and actually crying in it and in real life also and so then you wake up. It was very vivid. I was sitting on a couch. Cleopatra came to me. And she was very young again. Youthful and innocent and worry free still, like when I first met her. And she asked me why I wasn't taking care of her anymore. She was very sad. And she gave me this little piece of paper with all her tears on it, and told me, “this is for you,” like she always used to. I tried to explain to her why we weren't together anymore. Then she curled up in my lap and cried. It crushed me. my soul will ache forever from this.

I went to a palm reader last year. I had never done this before, but had always been intrigued by the idea of it. I was amazed at the telling accuracy with which she was able to recount various events of my life from the past. She knew me. and she had no doubts about the things she knew. Things such as when my father left the family to when I reunited with him for the first time as an adult. She knew my health challenges by looking at my palm. Etc. Things that no one knows but me. I was impressed. A humble woman who took her gift, the gift, for granted. She had been a palm reader all her life, as had her mother, and her mother’s mother before her. I recount all of this because when she looked at the outside of my index finger she said ‘there will be two great loves in your life. One of them is about to end or has just recently ended. (I laughed, of course, slightly in awe) The other will come soon. This one will last almost your entire life if not your entire life.’ I laughed again. she asked me why I laughed. “How do you know this?” I asked her. I was just in awe. ‘Its right there,’ she said matter of factly, and pointed to the outside of my index finger at the base of it. Pointing to two lines. One longer than the other. “There is the one who is about to end or is ending.” She pointed, “And there is the next one.” I paid her double what she normally charges because I was so impressed by her. So I don't mind waking up to these occasional dreams about Cleo. I consider it part of the letting go process. I mean, if a man is lucky enough to have two great loves in his life, wow, then he is truly blessed. And if Cleo was one of those two great loves, which I believe she is, then it is only natural that it would take some time for us to fully separate. And really I don't know if when two people get that close if they ever really separate. Maybe physically, but not emotionally. Not completely. I consider myself truly blessed. 

This morning I spent a lot of time at breakfast thinking about marriage. Maybe from the dream. I don't think it is marriage that we are after. I think it is true love. I think it is folly to even think about marriage or dream about it or plan all of that. Maybe it comes with it maybe it doesn’t it. What our heart really longs for is another heart. A pure heart. Something real and genuine and glorious. It is true love. When you have true love, nothing else seems to matter. I remember watching Cleo fall in love with her now husband after we had broken up. It sounds twisted but throughout their whole courting process I kind of guided her through whenever I could. I watched the precarious push and pull of it as they got closer and closer. Until they eventually married. It was beautiful. it really was as if nothing else mattered in her life. all she talked about was them. It was inspirational. Infinito and the goddess Marilyn are another amazing example of true love. You feel it when you are in their presence. It is kind of contagious. 

Today I went hiking around. There isn't much going on here in Bolzano. A lot of mountains and fields. Not my scene. Although it is much cooler and breezier than the South, and that is nice. This town is half German and half Italian. Its like something from outer space. Industrial on one hand and farm land on the other. Strange. I'm bailing tonight. Head further north.