There was a moment of epiphany this morning. Me and Cleopatra on the phone, not able to agree. Going back and forth. And I was upset. I was very upset. She was upset. We hung up and agreed to talk later. I am driving down the highway. I am angry. And I could feel all this raging up within me. Same old thing really. All this pain and anger inside. Why can’t she just see this? Why is this happening? Why is life so hard? Struggle struggle struggle. And there I was driving, and listening to a very familiar tune in my head. All this anger. And when I started looking at it from the outside I could see perfectly well that I had every right to be angry. And I had every right to feel like a victim. And I had every right to be mad and upset and cranky and all that. I was fuming. I'm talking about the kind of anger where every person you see on the highway next to you is an asshole or a loser. You’re just finding something wrong with everyone and everything. I was cranky. And really felt trapped by this situation.

But for some reason I was able to see this all sort of from the outside of myself. And I remember asking myself if I really wanted to feel this way. And I heard myself answer back that this situation sucked and how the fuck else am I supposed to feel? so then I answered myself, “well why don't we think about how we would want this situation to be?” and I thought, “well how about that? I mean, if I'm creating it all. I mean if I'm creating all of it, that means I'm creating this situation with Cleopatra as well. in fact, in the bigger picture I'm creating Cleopatra and every experience I have with her. And of course she's creating me in her world and how she experiences me.  and you know I know this. I mean I really know this. I don't have to think about it or ponder it or study or any thing. I know all of this as much as I know anything else. to a lot of people this kind of talk is still just theory cause they just haven't gotten there yet. but for me this is something I know. but of course knowing and doing are two different things. 

So I asked myself again, how do I want to experience this? and so I answered, I want the whole damn thing to be different. I want my fucking way for one thing. I want what I want and I want what's right and just and I don't want to have to do it through courts or attorneys or through arguing. And I also want what's right for Cleopatra. I want her to feel that its working out good for her too and for her to feel like she is getting what she wants. ‘Well that's not happening right now,’ I thought. ‘well then just make it happen,’ I thought after that. And I just kind of drove with my eyes straight on the road and just really focused on the reality of this. on the reality that I could really make this happen. It was up to me. It was up to me if I was down and angry right now or if I was feeling good and pumped and just on top of the world. And within maybe ten minutes I noticed I started feeling good. Its almost as if I willed myself happy and psyched up again like I normally am. It was quite brilliant. Me and Cleo spoke on the phone another three times. And by seven in the evening we had come to this agreement just using our imaginations that we were both happy with. Just brilliant. 

I think you can get to that point where your desire to stay in ‘state’ or ‘flow’ is stronger than your desires for anything else. and your desire to find solutions and feel like you are achieving a constant state of success far outweigh any other desires that may get in the way. I wouldn’t be saying it if I didn't experience it. a lot lately.