Tobias Guess pays a visit...

“It is a test you know.” I heard this voice come out of nowhere. I was startled and my heart was beating a million miles an hour. it must have been about four in the morning. I had just fallen asleep it couldn’t have been any longer than an hour before. I laid there wondering if I were dreaming. There was someone in my room. But the voice sounded very familiar. 

“Tobias Guess is that you?” I turned on the light by my bed. And there he was in all his glory. 

“Well who else would it be old boy? I certainly hope that I'm the only man who makes such surprise visits to your bedroom in the middle of the night.” he laughed.

“My God it is you. I haven't seen you in over seven years.”

“you haven't needed to.” 

“no I guess I haven’t.”

“You're all grown up now Fishy. the last time I saw you, you were a struggling artist with your head as filled with dreams as your pockets were empty. You’ve done well haven't you?”

“Well I have you to thank for it. what with all your advice over the years. Wow, you haven't aged a bit... You sure look good. Where have you been?

I just returned from Carthage...

Carthage?! What the hell? There hasn’t been a Carthage on the map for over two thousand years!

Yes I guess you could say that.... 

I'm studying the history of the Roman Empire now you know.

Of course you are. 

And that's why you were in Carthage?

Something like that... 

So you time travel now?

Always have. We just never spoke about it before. 

I thought only Cosmic Ted could travel through time. 

Well I believe that when you were that young struggling singer in his early twenties puffing on those cigarettes... you did quit smoking didn't you?

Yes I did.

Good for you. I knew you would. Yes, I believe that back then that is the way you were writing it...

What?

That only Cosmic Ted was capable of time travel. But I believe you will change that soon enough. After all, it is a lot of fun. And I enjoy it immensely.

Good enough. I will add it to your arsenal of abilities.... I am studying time travel now as well. the fourth dimension and all that...

I'm sure you are. I will be most appreciative. 

Tobias?

Yes?

What brings you here after so long?

Well I did happen to be in the neighborhood...

Let me get this straight... you were in Carthage 2000 years ago, and then you just happened to be in downtown Miami in the year 2003 in the next minute... c'mon, level with me. what's up?

Well remember young Fishy, time and space are after all relative...

“The cosmos is great and large...”

“Darnright...” he finished the sentence with me. But I felt I might pop in to clear a few things up. The question of the girls of course. Women. It has caused you more trouble than frankly I think is necessary. You shouldn’t fret so much about it. 

So you’ve noticed? You can read my mind or something? Is that another one of your “abilities” that I haven't written yet?

Something like that... mind reading does happen to be a terribly useful skill.” I leaned over to my bedside table and made a note... ‘Tobias can read minds...’

Well Tobias, I just can’t get to the other side of it all. I am eternally puzzled by it really. The whole girls and relationship thing....

Well yes I have noticed that. indeed the whole world has probably noticed by this time...

So you have a solution for me then? I sat up in my bed... Thank God. I am so glad you are here. You don't know how happy I am. Truly. 

Well I think I do. I am happy to see you too. Its been too long. 

Well why did you stay away for so long then Tobias?” He was standing at the foot of my bed. He was wearing this futuristic looking black leather or latex outfit. “Hey would you mind sitting down?   

Because you never called on me at all. In fact you nearly forgot about me entirely. and I am so busy traveling of course. You were busy. I was busy. Time for everything Fishy old boy.

Well you know Tobias in a way that is true. I was just so busy living. 

And that's exactly what you were supposed to be doing. So good for you. so what seems to be the trouble?  

You know what it is? all of a sudden when I start thinking about it, I'm digging it, I mean my heart melts and I can’t wait for it and I know its going to be amazing and make me feel so good and make her feel so good...

What? He asked. 

Why getting married of course... but man then the reality sets in and the reality is that its FOREVER, you know what I mean? 

Well I have heard of “forever.” But it may turn out so black and white as you may think now...” I made another note: ‘is forever really forever? what is forever?’

I continued. “All of a sudden lately I feel her, and I mean I can FEEEEEEL her, and then I just start to feel totally scared, like holy shit, this could be the one, and man the one means forever and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.”

“O.k. so you aren't ready. So what is the problem then?”

“Right. O.k. that would seem to be the logical response. But the problem is Tobias is that I am sooooo lonely. All I think about is this amazing woman with beauty and grace and style and vision and purpose and what a great life we could have. and how happy we could be. and man I'll tell you I can’t even talk to other girls anyway.

“What do you mean you can’t talk to other girls? Have you met this woman yet? I like your bedroom Fishy. Your house is magnificent. You have done very well for yourself since we last had a chance to get together.”

“Well thank you. I agree. I am blessed. But it has not come without struggle. And in answer to your question, no I haven't met her.”

“So why can’t you speak to girls?”

“Because you just know like in the first minute if they’re the one or not, you know? and man I try, I really try, but I just can’t even bring myself to talk to these other girls. I'm so bad at all that. Putting on the charm or faking it for the moment and all that. Man I'm just going too fast now in my life and in my career. I just don't have time for it. if I'm not blown away and knocked off my chair by a girl I just don't care about small-talking with her you know...”

“Fishy. Listen. To me it sounds like there isn't a problem here. It sounds like you're growing up. So again I ask you, what is the actual problem? Certainly there are more important things we could be discussing. Speaking of which, before I forget. There will be a big political meeting right here in Miami...”

I know. the whole free trade thing... I heard about it.

I think it would be a good idea if you got involved. Do what you can. it will be very important down the road.

But I hate politics. I don't want to get involved. I just want to be a singer and a songwriter. He just looked at me and smiled... “o.k. fine. I'm into it. I'll check it out when the time comes.

Good. Now what were you saying? Something about love...

Tobias Guess! How could you be so cool and casual about these things? What is more important than love? What else could we possibly talk about that would ever be as important as this? Don't you hear me? My heart is ACHING. I feel like I am dying inside. I NEEEED to find her. I want to be with her sooooo bad....”

“I don't think its me who isn't listening. I think its my old friend who isn't listening. To yourself. Hear what you are saying. Listen to your heart. You want this but at the same time, you don't want it. Not yet. If I say to you right now, Mariah Carey, what do you think?”

“I think, ‘Oh my God she is hot. I have to do her.’ Why? Do you know her? Can you set me up?”

“You see what I mean? Can you see perhaps why Cleopatra and you are no longer together and she now is happily married to another man and has children?”

“Yes I can see that. Yeah I know that bothered her a bit. But I'm just joking. You know, I'm a guy... God Tobias you never got to meet Cleo, did you? But did you ever see me with her? Isn't she an angel? Isn't she a goddess?”

“She's a wonderful girl Fishy. I did get to see her a few times. 

“So you were watching after all, you old devil.”

“Well, I am you and you are me...”

“Yeah, I still don't quite get that...”

“Lets save it for another time shall we... What about Queenie and Madelyn O’Ryan? Do you still see them? 

“yes I do.”

“And that's my point. Why call another soul into your life until you are ready? it will be compromised from the start. It isn’t fair. You are beyond that now.”

“So what do I do? Because I seriously can’t fake it with girls anymore in order just to get in the sack with them. I find it completely beneath me. And too risky for hurting the girls’ feelings. I'm not going there anymore. Its either all or nothing for me now.”

“This is what I think. For what it is worth old boy. Take it or leave it. Madelyn O'Ryan was an amazing girl right? 

Right.

But you gave her up because you didn't think she was the one and you didn't think it would last forever and you didn't want to waste her time. Right?

Right.

Same thing with Queenie. Right?

God poor Queenie. Tobias, have you heard?

Yes. I have. terribly sad. But she is the director of her own life. Let her direct. She knows what she is doing. On to Cleopatra. Another great girl. Same thing with her. She wasn't the one... you didn't want to waste any more of her time. You didn't know if it would last forever... you wanted to do the right thing... great. O.k. So you gave her up too. And what was the name of that beautiful artist from last year? 

Oh my God, Tobias, wasn't she a doll? La Princesa. 

That's right. that's what you call her. You are getting creative aren't you?

I try...

So now you're all alone and you are lonely... and, how many girls have you seen since you broke up with Cleo?

About forty, maybe forty five. 

Impressive. You’ve been busy. But you still aren't satisfied. At least this is what you are telling yourself. You still want more. Am I right?

I guess. There's just certain things that I still haven't experienced and I want that. I don't want to look back later in my life and fantasize about these things. I want them before I get married and have a family.

Frankly, I think its admirable. Most men don't think that far ahead. They get married to the first or second girl they fall in love with. By the time they reach forty they can’t keep it in their pants anymore. They aren't attracted to their wife anymore. You all are still calling it a mid-life crisis I believe. 

Yes. That’s what its called. Why? What do you call it in the future?

We call it a man who got married too young. So the answer is simple Fishy. Sow some more wild oats. Maybe it will be harder for you than for most men because of your inability to lie or cheat or fake your feelings. You are very sensitive. Fine. Maybe this does make it difficult for you. And this is a sign of what a good person you are. But this doesn’t mean that you should settle down. Because you are right. if you do settle down, and you still have a mindful of fantasies and heartful of lust, number one you aren't going to find Mrs. Right. and number two, if you do find someone who almost fits the bill and you settle down and marry her, its not going to last. 

I know Tobias. You are right. But my heart. It aches for real love. 

Yes. I can feel that. But your body is aching for something else.

So what do I do? Post secret little ads. Its not like I can just go out and do whatever I want to. The whole world will talk about even the slightest indiscretion at this point.

“By the way congratulations on that. You are becoming quite popular now aren't you?

Well we couldn’t have done any of it without you. You have helped me a lot through the years Tobias. And I missed you.

I couldn’t agree with you more.” he chuckles.

“So I post some ads in the personals under a pseudonym right... I can see it now.... young but aging-quickly rock star looking for Mrs. Right. But first seeks threesomes, foursomes, and more with young women, old women, fat women, black women, busty blond Russian girls, Asian women, Swedish girls, preferably twins no older than eighteen, and a big breasted Irish girl with a thick accent. Two of them. at the same time. Do you think I left any out?

No I think that should just about cover it. Indeed Fishy. 

Oh yea I almost forgot, hot middle-aged Jewish housewife. You know I have this obsession with the Fran Dresser types. 

Yes I know. I could set you up with her perhaps actually...

“Tobias are you serious?! You know I love her!”

“I'm just kidding. Anything else?

Uh yea, I want to do an Indian or two. And actually all sorts of Middle Eastern women. They are so exotic and beautiful. How can you not?

Indeed. How can you not? So go for it. Have fun. Get it out of your system. 

What if I miss the opportunity to meet my wife? I mean what if she is right here right in front of me and I just totally miss her because I am hot on the heels of a couple of Australian swimsuit models? 

“Well what if you do? There is that risk isn't there? It is your life. These are your decisions. 

Yes I know. Now you understand my dilemma.

I do. But let me tell you something I have observed. Something very important.” He leaned toward me in his chair and looked me dead in the eye. “People have this belief in the Gods. They always have. I have traveled from 4000 AD all the way back to the early four thousands. I have been doing it for years. 

Oh tell me Tobias! So this is what you do now with all of your time and money? I want to travel through time too!”

“Yes. And one day maybe you will. But for now listen to what I am going to say. Since time began for us and right up until the edge of our evolution out of humanity,* man has held on to this belief that these Gods that they believe in will take care of everything. Travel the earth and in every region there is a different group of people with a slightly different God that according to that people’s belief system has a certain set of powers.”
”You know I gave a little speech a few weeks ago for the United Nations about my own personal views of God. For that large annual conference they have. 

“You made quite a stir I hear.”

“Maybe. I just said what I believe. I felt like you a little bit. I thought to myself, ‘what would Tobias Guess say if he were here...”

“I am honored. Are you ready to continue?”

“Yea. Sorry.”

“My point is a simple one Fishy. Throughout time people have been telling themselves that God will take care of it; that it’ll work out in the end; that God won't let the wrong thing happen; that God knows best; that it was meant to be. But this has never worked out to be the reality of our existence. Try as we might, it is a formula that does not compute. It doesn’t matter which group of people it is on the earth, or which time period, or which God it is, life is a series of events caused by decisions that we make, all on our own, and a little bit of chaos thrown in just for fun.” He laughs.   

“I believe this. I know this. So what are you saying?”

“What I'm saying is this. If you believe in fate, if you believe in destiny, and you believe that somewhere out there is this perfect woman of yours, your soulmate, and in your heart of hearts, that is what you want the most, then don't think that you can take the next ten years of your life fooling around with a girl from every country in the world of every shape and size because somehow God or the universe or fate is going to handle it for you and make sure that you meet this dream girl one day. People get what they go after. DO you understand this principal?”

“Yes I do. Well put. I get what you are saying....”

“People tell themselves that they can do whatever they want to, and that God is going to work it out for the best. So they do whatever they want to. And then when things don't work out quite as they had expected, they wonder why God didn't make everything alright. So then they tell themselves ‘I guess it just wasn't meant to be.’ But this just simply isn't the case. The truth is that people’s lives are directly related to how they live them. Not to some God’s slight of hand, or some grand scheme of the universe. If you want to meet your soulmate young Fishy, don't spend all your time fooling around with girls you know in your heart are not she. This doesn’t make any sense. Be in the position to meet her. And you will meet her. If you want to continue to be the man about town, tasting the fruits of every nation in the free world’s female population, then do so. But do so knowing the risk that you are taking. And do so knowing what you may be giving up in the meantime.”

“I understand. But how do you choose? I mean, how is a man supposed to choose between all the beautiful girls that are in the world?” I stared off into space for a few minutes. And so did Tobias Guess. This was something to contemplate. We were silent. And that was o.k. 

“Fishy I have a feeling that you already know the answer to this. 

“The other thing is that I don't want to give up being a man.... You know how men after they have been married for a while, they kind of lose their manliness. They kind of become wimps. You can really tell the difference between married men and single men. You know? Like you T. You're not married. And you still have this magnanimous masculinity about you.” I made a note: ‘magnanimous masculinity...’ “I want that. I don't want to be one of those married with children or Tim Allen type of guys, you know?

Tim Allen?

Never mind. He's one of those guys from TV. You know, building stuff in his garage and backyard barbeques and all that. Kill me now if I'm ever going to turn into that. Please. I just couldn’t bare it.”

“Oh I don't think we have to worry about that young Fishy. But it is an interesting dilemma you have got yourself into. Can James Bond still be James Bond if he were married? Something like that?”

“Exactly. I guess that is a good way of putting it.”

“If I were you. And I'm not. Not yet that is....”

“What did you just say? Why won't you speak to me more about who you are? About who I am?”

“I was just being funny. Pay it no attention. Save it for later.”

“Well it is funny. Because you know I want to be you. I mean, that is quite literally why I have written you. You represent everything that I am not but wish to be one day.”

“Indeed. I think that is quite apparent to just about anyone. But shall I continue?”

“Yea. Sorry.”

“As I was saying, if I were you...”

I don't remember any more from our conversation. I wish I did.

*Here Tobias is referring to his theory, the one that made him quite famous all over the world, first presented in 2062, that human consciousness is not something that was created or just came out of nowhere. That perhaps mankind as we know it today did first start to show up 30,000 years ago, but that we had and have always been on the earth and in the universe---as consciousness---in one form or another. For hundreds of millions of years we were in the form of dinosaurs. Living breathing thinking beings developed and evolved in the best form for the environment we were in at that time. Before that, for millions of years after that, we were in the form of sea creatures. Somewhere is the Diaries there is the original paper that he had published. But I have lost the Diaries and so I don't know if this paper will ever be found. Where are those fucking Diaries?