Talked to the Ferret today. we are always joking that he is clueless, even though he is a well respected county attorney (o.k. so maybe that means that he definitely is clueless... ) anyway he’s telling me to stop spending money on the band and on music. Talking about my current financial situation. He is passionate about nothing. Every now and then he will strike a passionate pose for a brownie Sunday, but even that only lasts a few seconds. And seventies music. But not enough to actually purchase it, only to steal a song or two from the Internet. So I know I cannot take it too seriously because I am extremely passionate about many things. and he is not. and this is a big difference between us, but it still affected me very deeply because he is a close friend. Reminded me of my grandparents always telling me to be a lawyer or a politician and not an artist, but I just always ignored them. Ferret was preaching to me about how I should finish school and become a lawyer or go get my MBA or something because I could be very successful but that presently I am “squandering my potential.” He is judging my present situation based on how much money I have, compared to how much money I used to have. I tried to explain to him that life is more than the sum of the dollars in your bank account but more about I think most importantly, how you feel inside—how happy and fulfilled you are, and two, your accomplishments. The things you accomplish day to day that get you juiced. I live for that juice. A lot more than I do for the money. He lives for a day to day grind at a job he doesn’t like so he can retire after thirty years in it.

Every weekend I watch him go out and get drunk every night so he can forget the day to day grind and then start all over again on Monday morning. I could not do this. And I cannot live my life judging success by the money you have. I tried to remind him of my experiences last week joining up with the rebel activists to defend humanity against the dark forces, and that my name and face are all over the news and papers this week for this accomplishment, or my summer living in Italy researching my heritage, or the homes or cars or guitars I have been able to collect, or the fun I have had when I have had money giving it to all my friends helping them make their own dreams come true; I explained to him that I have five albums out now that I love and that are loved all over the world, and that I am very happy, unlike a lot of other artists I know---whether musicians, painters, poets, writers, film makers, etc---who have never put anything out and don't seem very happy and are always complaining about how hard ‘the industry’ is and all that. but he would hear none of it. the only thing on his mind was money in the bank.

And he is right. The fact is that I have no money in the bank. I am flat fucking broke yet again. He is obsessed with it. But for me as an artist I am really happy, so no I'm not squandering my potential by pursuing a career in music and sacrificing a few good years that I could be a driven capitalist. [I didn't even bother to tell him that I am seriously considering selling everything I own, and going to join the revolution full time. living no where but just traveling from movement to movement.] But he pointed to how rich and successful I would be if I hadn't been pursuing this career in music for the last ten years. and asked when will it end? when are you going to stop? At which my answer was, I don't know yet. I'm happy with what I am creating now. I am not necessarily happy with the extreme lack of success I have achieved in my music career—for that surely there must be some kind of an award I have won by this time—perhaps lowest sales of all time or something like that---or perhaps most prolific and unsuccessful artist of all time---but I am very happy with the music I have made so far. it makes me smile when I think of it. like now I am smiling.

I am also very happy and proud of the fact that I still make music or create my art in general because a lot of people just kind of peter out after a while if they don't get success as if that is the measure of it, and also every album I put out sells more than the previous so as an artist most of the time I walk around feeling very fulfilled and proud, and truly I would say a lot of time a combo between confident and humbled by it all—it’s a weird mix, so all that's a good thing. Kind of like on a cloud. And seriously, in the studio the other day I told Zeke and Trophy Wife, this (the Nothing is Cohesive album) is the first great album I have ever made. After all these years I think I finally made a decent album. of course they laughed. Zeke just gave me a look like ‘dude you truly make no sense when you talk like that...’ but that kind of sums up how I feel about it---I like it that much, when I listen to it, it makes me feel like “wow, I cannot believe I finally am making a good album. After trying so hard for so many years.”

But Ferret did depress me a little and got me thinking. And so at the risk of ripping my flesh off and exposing the very bare bones that are the essence of me, I must say that it really had me thinking like, ‘what if I just really really suck at this?” this really isn't something you think about. I mean I think as an artist or any trade or sport or job you think like that but its just not something that you want to think about. put it that way. For me I have had that thought pass through my head hundreds of times over the years. But I have always just been so focused on producing my art/music at any costs that I have never taken those thoughts seriously. Because it seems hard to quantify. The idea of art being “good” or “bad.” But I mean, we all have seen good and/or bad art or music before. how many times have I been at a club or man even a fucking arena and watched a singer or a band and just been like God they really suck. And you kind of feel sorry for them. because they are up there singing and all but they just blow.

[remember that one time when Queenie told me she took like a year of singing lessons and was tone deaf and couldn’t sing and then finally let me hear a tape and I swear to God she was right---it was the worst singing I have ever heard] So for the last two hours I was thinking that. what if I am one of those singers or songwriters who just totally blows. What a fucking concept. I never really thought about it before because I just always felt so called by destiny to do the work, so I never questioned it. I always just did the work. Ferret and I were talking about it. we were reflecting back to when we were like 19 years old and he would come home from college and be like how's school? And I would be like “I had to make a choice, school or band, and I chose the band. He couldn’t believe that I dropped out of college to play in a band. And I'm still doing it.” And then he would notice that I had no electricity or no phone or something but I would just sit there on the floor in the dark by candle light plugging away writing and singing. I just never questioned it. This is what he calls ‘squandering my potential.’ But of course this is what I have always considered writing history. Perhaps it is a lonely and unsuccessful history at that. but its my history. And I know I like this history better writing it this way than if I were sitting in some job I didn't like everyday not doing music. now that would be squandering my potential...

Although I always understood that I was a very limited singer, with a quality that had a limited appeal perhaps, to say the least. I also understood that I had a very strong rebellious, iconoclastic, and experimental nature that never led to me even being close to the right place at the right time musically, as far as the mainstream goes. I think to a certain extent that has always worked against my desire to make money or success from making music. i cannot accurately recall how many producers or label reps have told me that I cannot have my cake and eat it too. And of course I have always responded, ‘we’ll see about that.’ I was right. So far. But it is a rather modest cake I eat. Without much fanfare. Without even any icing.

[I remember this one time when Davi was at my house and rise and shine just came out and better luck next time was climbing the charts and she thought the CD was awesome. She was a huge fan. But she told me cryptically “if you don't believe in it Fishy then you're not going to let it happen. this music is totally fucking awesome, but I can feel that maybe you don't think so, or that you don't think other people are going to think so, and if you’re feeling that you really need to let that go or you're going to sabotage this really good album from being successful.” And I was looking at her and wondering what I really did think about myself and my music. I couldn’t figure it out. I guess I just figured hey if it blows up then I guess people like it and if it doesn’t blow up then maybe I suck. But I still feel this inner compulsion to do it anyway. crazy right? yeah I know. totally crazy. but still, makes me wonder, man do I just totally suck?

And here's where it really gets kind of freaky if you think about it too long: if I really like it, I mean, if I just totally love it, but no one else does, then does that mean that you suck? Or can you not suck if you like what you do? Even if you're the only one. Or say like your few fans? And even deeper: can a person really tell if they suck? Can they tell? Can a person ever objectify enough away from themselves to hear what they sound like to others? I don't know. I mean, it might be easier for other professions like say a football player to watch a video and just plain see that they suck, but a singer? I don't know.

But I’ll say this. Cause it is what led me to start writing in the first place just now. As I was thinking about all this, feeling blue and slightly better than worthless, I got an email from a fan who said “Your new CD rocks! I have all your CDs and I love them. Keep up the good work you guys!” so just as I was sort of surrendering myself to this “I bet I really suck and just don't know it” idea, then I get this email right in that moment. So that can throw you. Make your eyes cross and confuse you. And then I remembered this one time where Vancouver said something about me in an interview and he said something like “Fishy is a genius in every sense of the word, both the good and the bad of it if you know what I mean, but we love him anyway...” that made me feel so good. Gave me this sense that I hadn't been wasting my time all these years. Getting appreciation from others is just an awesome thing to feel. and that's cool. I am just completely obsessive compulsive at the expense of everything else around me. About songwriting and music making. I mean I pretty much eat sleep breath it 24 hours a day, to the annoyance of everyone else. so maybe that's what a genius is, is someone who just focuses so much and works so hard at it that other people dig it so much and so deeply, to the point of saying its genius. But then you want to talk about a fuck up the ass? Vancouver is now going on tour with the Latin singer he readily admits sucks and leaving us behind because he can make more money with him. So if being a genius means that other singers who are not geniuses make a lot more money and can afford to hire great players and you can’t, then I would rather not be a genius at this point and just be popular and make more money. And in that respect perhaps Ferret is right.