There is this thing in America called the two party system... been studying the last few years. Seems like a bunch of crap. More later....

It finally happened. I had been working on this idea for an anti-gravity machine for the last ten years. I could see its practical applications but just couldn’t figure out how we could make it work.
I had searched the Internet for years, libraries, and bookstores, and science journals. So far no one has been able to come up with one, though many ideas have been proffered that appear at least to make sense.

Most scientists have envisioned anti-gravity machines as a means for us to fly without the use of planes. I have to be honest; I never even thought of that application. At least not until the last few months when I started dreaming of flying (more like bouncing very high actually...) To me the idea of an anti-gravity machine held its appeal in how it may benefit us in this use of space and mobility. I have already dedicated pages to the ideas in the other journals so its not necessary here.

But a few nights ago I did actually dream of it for the first time, which is always a great sign. After all these years I actually saw it in use. Right in front of my eyes. I had been called to this place, a big warehouse and base camp type of a place out in the middle of nowhere. It was already night by the time we unpacked our gear. They took me into this giant room, I mean giant room, as big as a football field; must have been ten stories high in there. there were blue gymnastics mats covering the floors. There were gymnastics equipment all over the place. trapeze, horses, rings, ladders, all sorts of things. but what immediately struck me was that some of these items were up very high. Two or three stories up in the air.

We would just jump and fly into the air hundreds of feet. We could do turns and twists in the middle of the air and stay suspended in mid-air for minutes at a time. somehow they had found a way to get rid of the gravity in the space. it was magnificent. This is the fourth dream I have had like this now, about flying or the suspension of gravity on earth...

I vacillate back and forth between extreme apathy and a desperate depression that creeps on me like some sort of invisible monster. I cannot see the beast, but I feel it all the time. Clutching onto me. I sit in the bath for hours. I let the shower run on my head for hours, hoping desperately that the water will wash away the creeping nagging feeling that all is lost and hopeless in my life. Hoping that I will just step out miraculously feeling happy and refreshed and anew again. But it is no use. Where is the ambassador? Where is the embassy? Each day gets worse. Each day gets shorter. I drive a lot. What else is left? Just driving around aimlessly. Even driving has lost its magic. Is that what hopelessness feels like? God it has been so long since I have felt anything like this. A sense of impending doom strangles me at all times. it is fascinating in a way. It is a feeling of helplessness, no-use-ness, aimless, hopeless... I tell myself I need to move. But I quickly realize that I will still be faced with the same tortuous anxieties. I will still have the same problems whether I am here, New York, or France. It won't change much. And what are these problems? That's the amazing part of it. there are no problems. I mean I'm so fucking healthy it should be a sin. I have more money than should be fair for doing what I do. I look in the mirror. Yep. Still you. nothing to be depressed about there. but it is inescapable. this nagging feeling that I fell into a rabbit hole and have started to experience a life that I was never meant to. for one thing the constant battle for commercialization, popularity, and success is destroying the sacredness of music for me. I am finding myself no longer enjoying music like I did just a few months ago. not even wanting to pick up a guitar. The pressure of it all is too much and its taking away the joy of it for me. That is a curse like no other because music is my God. It is my religion. Without it, I am just stumbling in the dark. Pretending to be someone I am not. If I am not a singer songwriter and musician then I am nothing but a man over board, lost at sea, waiting to die.