Played a cool show at the fete de la musique festival in coconut grove. The poet says to me after the show. ‘Dude, let me ask you something. how come you talk like you’re kind of drunk on stage when we first get up there? You walk up to me after the show and you have this perfect English. But then on stage, you come off like your wasted or something. is it because your nervous?’ ‘uh wow, dude, I know exactly what you mean. Its like an altar ego takes over and tries to act all cool because I guess I'm just really nervous being up there... thanks. I'll try to get over that. Be more myself.’ Good show though. New band is really hot.

Lots of hours with old and new friends all day. good times. Today was father’s day. Made lots of calls to family. Although didn't speak to my own dad. For some reason we just aren't there. maybe we never will be. I don't know. I am sure that to a certain extent I am still just holding onto some kind of a grudge. But at the same time, it just feels forced. Doesn’t feel natural. And its hard for me to force myself into things that don't feel natural or don't feel real. I remembered this morning in the bath when we were very young and we would see him once in a while and we would make some comment and then his response would be ‘well I am still your father.’ That would always throw us into kind of a space-out at first when he would say that when we were young like that. get us confused. At least me. I can’t speak for Beaver. But today I understood from watching so many of my friends and even Beaver now have children and raise their kids that having the kids is not enough. That's not what its about. Its about being the actual father. Doing the father things. so when someone was never really your father, but they say something like ‘I'm still your father,’ that it can throw you when you're young. But as you get older you can begin to question the verity of that statement. I mean, a lot of my friends are fathers now. I see what that means now. our mother was really our father. And for better or worse so was our grandfather and our uncle.

Once dad and I reconnected when I was about 27 years old, that felt good. it gave us a lot of relief and joy at the time. more relief I would say. But then I remembered this one time when in the middle of moms divorce with our stepfather, he had arranged in a very illegal and fraudulent manner to have mom put in jail for something that she didn't do and the judge who issued the warrant mysteriously disappeared and retired to the Bahamas, never to be heard from again. So it was a very traumatic situation for Beav and me. and for the whole family. Our stepfather did it just to get back at her and to show her that money really could buy anything. Even putting an innocent ex-nun who didn't do anything wrong in jail for a day until things got sorted out. and yes money could buy judges who mysteriously disappear after issuing arrest warrants for aforesaid young innocent moms or ex-wives. This was one of our first real life experiences into the injustice that money can create in the free-enterprise capitalist system known as America. Beav and I weren't more than 20 years old at the time. and we were pretty much in shock. We all slept at the jail all night waiting for mom to get out. praying that the experience wouldn’t be too traumatic for her and that she wouldn’t have an asthma attack and die or something.

When it first occurred the first thing we did was start making calls frantically to try to help her. I called my step father to beg him to help. Couldn’t get a hold of him of course. And I'm sure he was very happy to have achieved such success in teaching her the lesson not to try to divorce him. but she persevered and divorced him anyway. But we lost everything. mom lost everything she ever owned and finally just walked away. Even the money and real estate she owned before she met him. he got it all. just let him have everything in order to get stability and sanity back in our lives. She is a very strong woman who since I have known her has always made her decisions based on what is best for her kids and her family. You cant buy that. you can’t grow into that. you just are that. we are very lucky to have her as our mom. 

As mom was in jail, we also called our real father who we really hadn't talked to in over a decade except on occasion. He answered the phone but had some bullshit excuse as to why he couldn’t help her out. he was three hours away at the time. he didn't offer to make her bail or to come down and sit with us at the jail or take us out that night to make us feel better or anything like that. I hung up the phone and was in such shock that I didn't have time to make judgment about his decision. I was too young and he was too much of a adult figure still for me to make any judgments about him. that's the way it is when you're a kid.

But then later after we reconnected, many years later, I remembered that moment. It all came back to me, as if it were a dream from a past life. I guess I had blocked it out. and who wouldn’t have blocked something like that out from their memory? When I did finally remember it I felt rage and resentment and a real feeling of betrayal. I thought about if my own 20 year old son would have called me frantic saying his mom was in jail and I was three hours away.... I knew that I would have been in my car or on a plane in less than ten minutes and told my boy ‘you hang tight son. Take care of your brother. I'm on my way.’ but my dad didn't do that. in fact, he never called after that. not for another seven years.

Later, I was happy that we had reconnected as adults. Because I feel that it was an important step for both of us. But once I remembered that situation, something left in me. something went away. I lost all desire to speak with him anymore. I also think that it would have been different if we would have grown up with him in some way. perhaps it would be easier to find a place where forgiveness is in order, but the truth is that ‘I'm still your father’ never really applied, even though it was spoken on some occasions. And so forgiveness in order to get back to something real and valuable hasn’t surfaced yet in me. because we never had much real or valuable with him. which of course is sad in its own way.

It was only after I met Cleopatra's step father that I understood what a real father was. A Swiss German hard working gentlemen who puts his family above all else...., well mannered, well spoken, well intentioned, kind hearted. I could go on and on. But he fathered me well from a distance since by the time we met I was already an adult myself. But I learned so much from him as a man. It was the first time I had a real life role model for what a man is supposed to be like. Up until that time my only good male role models were from the TV or the movies. So I really took the ball and ran with it. I modeled everything good I saw in him. a lot of who I am today as a man I owe to knowing him and having him as an example in my life. This is kind of funny, because I notice that people think its just me. Just the way that I am. And it is now. But its because of knowing him and being able to identify and recognize characteristics that I really wanted to have myself, but perhaps just didn't realize were available to me. Still to this day I reach out to him often just to say hello, how are you. After my mom he is always the first call I make on fathers day.

You have to thank God for things like that.

At one point during dinner I found myself thinking of the Wolf and how we don't speak anymore. I felt this weird feeling inside me. felt bad. And then I realized that what I was feeling was guilt. It occurred to me that whenever I think of the Wolf and how we don't hang out anymore that I feel guilty about that. that somehow it feels like we have grown out of each other. And I had been spending the last few years resisting feeling it because it made me feel guilty and sad. And then I just realized that I could let that go. that its alright. You know, we do grow out of our friendships with people. its o.k. I think of other friends I have had over the years. friends where we don't speak that much anymore or hangout. That happens. Its o.k. I decided. Sometimes they grow out of us for whatever reason. And that can hurt at first when you recognize that is what's happening. But you try to transcend that. See the bigger picture. And sometimes we feel that we have grown out of them. Either way, I bet its o.k.