Almost totally lost now. a complete stranger in a strange land here in South beach. Like a walking ghost in an alternate reality. Moved out of the apt. and now living out of a suitcase in a friends spare bedroom. But this isn't even a spare bedroom. This is someone's bedroom who happens to be out of town. sleeping in their bed amongst all of their things. Brought my own bed sheets of course. No car and no house. friends think I'm crazy but I am having fun. somehow really enjoying it right now. I feel so free and happy. Beaver asks me tonight when hearing of my plight, ‘dude do you ever get scared? Scared that it won't work out and that you will end up with nothing?” “Dude, I almost have nothing now.” “yeah, but you know what I mean. You're in someone else's bedroom now. no home, no car. no savings. What happens if you call me in three months and you are on the street?” “Dude, I'm living my dreams. in less than two weeks we will be backstage, not in front of the stage. But back stage and on the stage. Playing for thousands of people. I've gotten to record six albums instead of just wishing for it. And those albums are in stores that people buy. This is what we always used to talk about when we were kids. Remember? I'm happy man. Don't worry about me.” “O.k. bro. I'm going to keep worrying about you no matter what you say. But I hear ya man. Just make it happen.”
What I find actually is that this freedom from house and home has brought me a new sense of artistic passion that I haven't felt in years. [o.k. I know I say that every few weeks regardless of my circumstances... but that can only be viewed as a good thing... lol. Remember when we were young and only dreaming of being great artists one day ourselves? Reading and studying the great creators of history... that is always the start of it. and now to wake up one day and realize that you are living and breathing it. that you really did it. you turned into it. you are a living breathing biography of the life you were always meant to live. That's an unbelievable feeling.

Current spin: Marilyn Manson, this is the new shit. What a great song this is. I have always considered Brian and myself the polar opposites of one another. Me the good witch doing my best to explore and display the best of what the world has to offer, and he the wicked witch happy to profit from exploiting the worst in everything. perhaps it is because we grew up in the same town, or because he has achieved superstardom in the real world, and me only in my imagination, haha. But either way, I dig what he does sometimes. It has great power when its good, and of course its great shit when its not good, like all of us. But now,,, how to harness that same level of power with something beautiful and wonderful and helpful... that is the goal. So I keep at it.

Current screening: Frida. Again. Better the second time around. That scene of the accident. Wow. Again, the movie is heartbreaking, moving, inspiring. I am reminded to live fuller and richer and deeper and to ignore everything else around me that beckons normalcy, mainstream, or mediocrity in the name of society or status quo. It is one of the aligned companions along the way this film. “If you're a real painter you'll paint because you can’t live without painting. You'll paint till you die,” he says. Yes indeed my friends.

I feel that I am only at the beginning of everything that I am here for, everything I am meant to create as an artist, as a revolutionary, and as a man. I feel a constant sense of frustration with how slowly everyone else is around me in achieving our shared goals; and with the constant lack of money and resources we have to work with. It will only take one big hit or payoff and my work will take off in the way that I have always envisioned. I will then have the resources to live completely in and for the work in the way that the artist needs to if he is to achieve the vision beyond the hype of the moment. My greatest work is still in front of me.

So no, I am not bothered by spending every cent I have and more on the work to the point of being homeless again, and again, and again. In fact, I am honored to be inhabiting this great mind and body that is called Fishy. Even when I have been at my poorest and most destitute I have always had a strong sense of pride because I have always managed to stay in the creating mode. So I can always smile, there is always that secret there behind the smile, of the grand work just completed and the even better one that is on its way.

Yes, and one more thing. where is my Frida? Again, I find myself more in love with this characterization of Frida khalo depicted in the film more than any other woman I have seen or heard of in my entire life. She is the ultimate archetype for me. Where is the woman who is as romantic dynamic creative artistic intelligent curious adventurous insightful liberal open-minded and revolutionary as I desire and need? where is this super woman that I feel in the blood of my soul? Even without knowing her yet in real time I am still entirely inspired by her and take her in with each breath, if only in my heart and in my mind’s eye.