A miserable day by all accounts. Alone and lonely. Wandering the city like a nomad. I don't do well with being alone, except of course when I have a hundred events to attend and a hundred people calling. Then of course I am perfectly content to spend hours of time by myself. Feels like I'm giving myself a gift of some kind. But being alone out of necessity is abhorrent to me, wretched.

I think I am starting to pop out of a giant creation that has been so big that I couldn’t see that I was in a creation at all. been living through this nagging pestering unflinching never ending agony over being alone and without a girlfriend for so long. had never spent even a month on my own without a girlfriend or without being madly in love for twelve years straight all the way through to the end of the great Cleopatra saga. But for the last three years I have not found anyone or anything that captivated me enough to even want to entertain for more than a few weeks. so three years now. wow. And I must say that I am proud of that. because I have felt that it was quite noble to forego the obvious pleasures of relationship with another if it wasn't optimal for the more sublime dream to have it be “the one,” “the ultimate.”  So I have stubbornly clung to this ideal for more than three years now. but it has not been easy for me. I do much better in a relationship. So I spend a lot of time thinking about it. looking for it. longing it for it.

But lately, since I have been surrounded by eligible girls, and have had ample opportunity to make one the one... but still just can’t seem to find the one, I have begun to realize that there is something deeper here that I am not seeing. A more powerful wisdom to be extracted. A deeper message that I need as a man, that my soul needs at this time in this lifetime. And I have begun to realize that its not a girlfriend or mate or wife that I should be praying for or longing for, but the ability to live peacefully and happily and willfully without anyone but myself. Wow. O.k. easier said than done, I'll give you that. but I'm working on it. now that I know what the message of it is. after that should flow I believe. But in the meantime let the lesson begin.

Last screening: the lives and loves of Oscar Wilde.