Went to breakfast by myself this morning. Just to relax. There was a table with a family sitting next to me. dad, mom, three kids. The kids were all speaking at the same time. total chaos. i was overwhelmed by it. I tried to picture myself there at the table. As the father. The idea made me anxious. The kid something like ‘dad? Can we go to la after this?’ I thought to myself, God I would never be able to put up with that. we’re in New York. la isn't close to New York. but that's kids I guess. You just deal with it. for all I know because its your own kid you think its cute. Would I think that was cute? Could i? would I turn out like all the other people who think their kid is the cutest and the smartest? The thought made me feel nauseous. I felt like I had to go throw up. I tell myself I want three kids. But how the hell am I going to have three kids? I'm too selfish. I'm too absorbed in my own work. In my own ideas. How do you give that up? start living through other beings rather than through yourself... I have to throw up. I need coffee. Its too early to think about this. I cannot take the thought of it. me sitting around a table with a bunch of kids talking about nothing. Not doing anything substantive... I could not handle it... the only thing that could ever bring me to that, as much as I fantasize about it in the back of some alternative mind I keep in me somewhere, would be the love for a woman so strong that I forget myself entirely. I used to feel such a rush for that, such longing; and though that still lingers, now I savor each moment that exists before her inevitable appearance.

A half hour later I noticed the family had left. I was at peace for the moment. and then sitting in front of me I noticed this old white man with hearing aids in his ears sitting with this young black woman. they were talking small talk. They didn't know each other. She must be his nurse. Hired through some service to get him around. He was that old. He was saying things like ‘did you know my first name was Joe?’ ‘nooooo. I didn't know that... how funny...’ My God I'm going to throw up again... I thought. So that's what its like when you're old and you don't have any family and you're forced to go to breakfast with a nurse that you don't even know... fuck. I realized the irony... damned if I do. and damned if I don't.

Last screening: stealing beauty. If you want to watch a director who is so in love with himself that he doesn’t realize that he is making a really bad movie watch either of the last two star wars installments, but this one comes damn close. If there was a movie there I missed it because he was so obsessed with shoving it down our throats how pretty he thought liv tyler was.