Had a slight breakdown last evening which led to some huge realizations and then release about how much I base my happiness on achievement and success... rather than just letting myself be happy, or better, creating real happiness in each moment. took about an hour to get through it. still a little unwieldy from it. feeling into it. into this new way of thinking... could it be possible that one could be happy regardless of the level of achievement or success? interesting right? I had never even fathomed this concept before. they were always just so tied together for me. especially the last few years. really lived through it without ever even considering happiness as being a totally separate thing...

We are staying in a rather touristy area here. notice that when people are on vacation they look at everything as if it’s the most interesting thing they’ve ever seen in their lives. You see people staring up at a lamp post. ‘look honey, they say this lamp post was installed here in 1939... wow...’ I swear to God I just heard some guys saying how amazing it was to see all those semi-containers stacked up like that... fucking crazy how interested people are when they're on vacation. I've seen myself get like this before. but not very often. Only when I was really young. For the most part even when I'm vacationing I'm not interested in that kind of shit. people do the same thing when they are newly in love and out together. you’ll see new couples paying attention to the most insignificant things. again like ‘oh look honey, the maritime museum! Shall we go in?’ now of course you couldn’t care less about the maritime museum if you were on your own or hanging with a couple of friends. But you get in that whole couple thing and all of a sudden the most mundane things seem interesting. ‘How fascinating honey look at this! Says here this anchor was used by Joe blow back in 1898...’ yes. truly earth shattering. I think its just humans way of interacting with each other. gives them something to put their attention on so they can communicate with one another about something besides each other.

Great talk with the Poet this morning. The more I get to know him the more I like him. he's very honest and real. Even when he's telling you he thinks your most recent song sucks, its alright because you respect it. we will make some fucking amazing together.

PS -- It is officially official. There is no freakier place in the United States that I have ever experienced than San Francisco; except perhaps for Key West. But for sheer volume of freakiness, San fran takes the cake. And eats it too. transvestites walking up to you asking you for your leftovers and which parts you like better, male or female, and at every public garbage can there's some freaky looking person digging through it. you have to wait in a line of homeless people to throw your Starbucks cup away. I swear to God. its depressing as all hell. I have to admit coming from New York where you just don't see this kind of thing, its hard to fully enjoy yourself when every few seconds you're seeing some old guy digging food out of a garbage can. [o.k. I must confess I am not including the entire southern portion of our great land, especially not the South-east, better known as ‘the South’ I mean, you aint even seen freaky till you head into Alabama Louisiana Mississippi places like that. forget about it. deliverance anyone? Leave it at that.]