Free of Pretense

O.k. so what would “I am free of pretense” look like?
Been thinking a lot about it the last few days, been catching myself. I'll tell you, one thing I have noticed is that I mam just full of pretense. One thing about self development is this: once you set your mind to improving a certain aspect of yourself, you will immediately start to notice when you are showing up not as you prefer. If you're good and real and honest with yourself you really will be on the lookout of how you are showing up and you will see where you are and try in every moment to attempt to curb the behavior that you don't prefer. So one thing I notice is that I am just totally full of pretense. This doesn’t mean that I'm full of shit because I'm not for the most part. I still love myself and feel proud of myself and feel very much happy to be me. But what it is is that I am noticing more and more how full of PRETENSE I am. Whatever that means. For me I know what that means. And its something I want to change now. wow. Finally. Never even recognized it before. just always felt intuitively that there was something wrong still in me. something I couldn’t put my finger on....

could I, can I, do I want to, do I dare, just go for it balls to the wall honest to God real me free of pretense beingness? And again, what would that look like? Popcorn answers: I would be happier, much happier. I wouldn’t be comparing myself to everyone like I do now. I wouldn’t be always noticing that I am putting on airs for people. I wouldn’t be dropping names. Do I really drop names? Well, I don't know, but if I was being real and free of pretense I wouldn’t be that way. I would be myself all the time. I wouldn’t be trying to be a rock star. I would just be being me. God can you imagine me not trying to be a rock star all the time. I still feel most of the time that I'm not rock star enough. So in turn I am always trying to be more of a rock star. Imagine me just showing up as me and not worrying about whether or not I am rock star enough? Wow. i feel an immediate sense of calm and peace in me as I write it. I immediately think of lenny Kravitz, the rock stars rock star. If bono is writing the book on being a rock star, lenny Kravitz is writing the introduction to the book. Can Fishy fit in somewhere in between all that? well I don't know yet quite honestly. Can I make any money at all by just being myself. I think of Richard marx. The polar opposite of the rock star. My worst fear. Being Richard marx. Oh my God no!!! I scream inside. God please say it isn't so. please say I don't have to turn into a Richard marx or a Michael Bolton.

This is all going to come down to just trusting. I'm just going to have to trust that I'm good enough as who I am. Whoever that is. in this business people are always advising you to be more rock star. Think Jet, the Strokes, white stripes, the Killers, etc etc etc.... the makeup and the ripped up jeans and the cool euro-hair and the boots and the white belt... everyday I hear from one of our advisers or managers or publicists to be more like that. have to be more of a rock star they casually mention or eagerly offer as the answer to end all need for answers.... yep. I could keep trying to be that. sure. God knows that for ten years I've been trying to be a rock star. But I haven't achieved rock stardom from any of that. So what if I just let all that go and just explore who I am? Hhhmmm. O.k. fine. I'm there now. I will try. I will try to explore this new identity of “I am free of pretense” and see what comes out of it.

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I tell Princess Little Tree at one point that I feel constipated. Why don't you go to the bathroom she asks. I don't mean like that sweetie. But my pockets are becoming full of all these little pieces of paper from all these notes that I'm taking and I'm not writing enough. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have to ask you if its o.k. if I spend some serious time writing tonight. do you mind? No of course not. but haven't you been writing every night? yes I have. but only like an hour a day. normally I write about four or five hours a day. she looks at me as if I'm mad. people love reading people. we love books and magazines and newspapers and movies and plays and now even blogs. But most people have no idea how much time writing takes. I'm working on those two different books and the diaries and taking notes on new albums and writing songs all at the same time, so only writing an hour a day is killing me. i have to write more or I'm going to get too backed up and upset and moody. Best not to go there. you read and I'll write o.k.? o.k.
Princess Little Tree is such a godsend. No words for this situation. and yet so many words. I say I need to write. She says o.k. she reads. I write. All is well. the last letter I had written to her I said ‘how can something so good not be right.’ and I ask myself this everyday. I love her dearly. And yet I know she is not my future wife. Why? I don't know. sure it’s the matter of children and the fact that we live 3000 miles away from one another. But it is also a feel thing. and its something like this... it is not that I don't love Princess Little Tree. It is not that I don't love being with her. it is more like I have a feel for my wife. And I have for over four years now. I feel her. no doubt about it. It is hard to explain what that means. Even to myself. Does that mean you see her in your head?

Current spin: Arlan feiles. Razing a nation. This is one of the BEST right now. man I cannot fathom why some artists are popular and some are not. one of the great puzzles of the universe.