Again I dreamed last night that I killed someone, or attempted to.  a guy. I shot him but then he got back up. these are entities. They are lifeless in the dreams. coming from my own subconscious. Don't speak or do much of anything at all. just a way for my brain to process this need to kill.... almost every night lately I have these dreams where I am killing someone, never really wanting to, but always feeling forced to. and I am torn between feeling that I need to kill them for some serious life threatening situation and then not wanting to because it is another human life. but I always end up trying to kill them but then most times it doesn’t work. They live, struggling there half dead. I stand there looking at it all as if I'm in a dream, confused, guilty, feeling trapped. What the fuck is going on in my brain?

Everytime I see a pregnant girl walking with a guy I feel jealous. Happy for them, but wishing i had a wife of my own who was pregnant. Talk about the biological clock ticking....  But at the same time, the other day, I received this whisper that said something to the effect of ‘Fishy, you aren't married now. do you get that? that you are single? That you are free? That you can do whatever the hell you want to right now? make love to or go out with whomever and however you want to? you're spending all of your single time fantasizing about some ideal woman and romance and then you're going to get married and three years into realize its forever and you never really took advantage of being single. So do it now. go for it NOW.

O.k. so that's good. I'm glad I remembered that. Now just have to put it into practice. [as if I haven't enough already... can someone say whackjob? crackpot? Looneytunes? Does the wanderlust ever leave the man? does the teenager ever leave the man? does the boy ever leave he heart of the man?]

Had a great feeling of completion tonight. for the most part finished the grueling process of viewing all the footage for the TV show. And talked with a really cool editor. I felt so good. like wow, we’re really doing it.

Still watching frank Lloyd Wright bio. What a strange man. good at what he did. but weird. his own worst enemy. He could have had it a lot easier if he wouldn’t have been such a loon. But I'm learning a lot about architecture and inspired by his work ethic. The artist always knows he is great. Never doubt that. if you know you are great you're half way there. that's the key. Believing in yourself. Great men always know they are great, no matter what the world at the time thinks. History proves it. if someone claims they are great, often times they could be nothing more than a loon with grand delusions, but somewhere down the line they oftentimes just may prove it just by the sheer force of their will and their belief in themselves.

Astrologer told me that Princess Little Tree was my partner in my last life, but not in this one, but we make a powerful force. I believe her. she saw Princess Little Tree without me saying a word. Knew her age, her hair color, what she looked like, and how she acted and was in my life. and many other people in my life as well. just from looking at these charts of weird figures etc... I'm telling you these astrologers are amazing when they are good. the way they can look at your chart and just start spitting out information that is so accurate. You don't say shit. they don't even know your name or what you do, and yet they can tell you so much about you and your life just by the positions of the planets and stars in your chart. This woman’s name is Karen Pavlus out of upstate NY. She is one of the best I have ever spoken to. I was impressed. Felt very good about most of what she said. Tony Robbins has a saying that everything in life is either a warning or an inspiration. If it’s a warning, you shift directions, you change and you shift to create what you want. If its an inspiration, you keep going in that direction, keep running with the ball. She saw Cleopatra too. I cannot tell you how many have seen Cleopatra and said the exact same things to me. stand strong and be courageous and fight till you win. this person is poison for you and for herself in this lifetime. it is a life test for you. only you can learn the lessons regarding why this person is in your chart/life and resolve this karma once and for all. you must not back down or it will repeat. Now bear in mind, this is someone seeing a person in my “chart” and not hearing or knowing shit from me. not knowing any of the details and not knowing even if she is speaking about anything remotely relevant. Just spitting out words about a person that she sees on the chart. She even mentioned specifics such as this person is involved with you in business. this person is also involved with you regarding real estate. this real estate is very important. This person was once involved with you romantically. She is bitter, she is resentful, she is hurt and angry and means you no good. no good can come from her here, and yet you refuse to believe it. why? you must break this spell and stand up to this or it will repeat. You think that by being kind and forgiving that you are doing the right thing but you are not. sometimes the dove needs to stand up to the hawks. Do you have any understanding of what I am speaking about here?

It was uncanny. I was more than impressed. I was floored.

Now of course there is another answer to it as well. one can easily assume that psychics and astrologers have a way of tapping into reality, of seeing the future, or the past. Or one can conclude that they just have an ability to see inside the subjects head, they pick up on what the client is thinking and feeling. And that can explain why they all always seem to be so accurately tuned in and say the same things about the same subjects. They're just reading the mind of the client. Either that, or they really are tapping into data that is really out there available that most of us just can’t access. Either way, its fascinating stuff.

Current spin: four tet, everything ecstatic. Great CD. very Fishy. I could have made it. I would be proud to. but it sounds like nothing like me mind you, in case you go buy it thinking it might. Its sound music electronica. Bleep music. my favorite now. so creative as if he didn't know what making an album was all about and just reinvented the process. Like those three Radiohead cds they did back to back... o.k. computer to amnesiac. magical.