For the record, the Battle still raging with Cleo. She continues to lie deceive and manipulate consistently to the point and beyond where my counsel doubts her “measurable sanity.” I am told the only reason I don't is because I am so accustomed to it.

For over two days now we have been involved in a Cuban Missile Crisis here of our own. each not wanting to make a move for fear it will disturb the whole process and order of things and everyone will lose. But no one seems to care about the other as much for themselves. It is a lesson I have learned more than once in this lifetime, and yet here I am seeing it play out yet again. if everyone plays their hand fairly and justly we will all win; no one will get hurt and no one will suffer guilt or go out of integrity. But I seem to be the only one involved who sees this as a possible conclusion to this battle. At least in the honor of Sneed/once Ferret, I will admit that it appears that he is out for himself above all others, even life long friends, but he is honest and forthright in admitting it and does not attempt to deceive or hide it. as heartbroken as I am by his ability to sell me out for cash, I am impressed that he is not a liar, he does not intentionally deceive but just lays his cards out on the table and says it like he sees it. he wants what he wants and he is willing to dishonor the past twenty years of our friendship to get it, but he is honest in admitting it. that I will give him. this is for fifty thousand dollars. A mere pittance for the price of a friendship if you ask me, or several friendships as the case is here. but every man has his price. Lesson one of many.

Cleo on the other hand will stop at nothing. We had one of the strongest boldest most cherished long lasting relationships two people could ever hope for. it was by all accounts and evidenced by the innumerable songs I have recorded and released about us an amazing and deeply fulfilling love affair. Lasting more than six years. when you are that close to someone for that long you just assume certain truths to be self evident about the two of you and your long term standing in each others lives. But people change. They forget. Just because you and another person promised to love each other forever and spent countless years staring into each other’s eyes and whispering sweet nothings to one another and sharing your hopes and dreams together and made more love together than you could ever recall, just because you helped each other through innumerable tortuous events and sicknesses and traumas and dramas and celebrated life together as if there were no one else in the world but just the two of you and swore you'd die for each other does not mean that if you ever break up that both of you will remember that or honor that or respect that. things change. People change. They want what they want and usually that's money. and money to many people is more important that past love or promises. Lesson two.

Something else. just because you are a good person that doesn’t mean that other people are going to be a good person back to you. you can be as honest and as open and as fair minded as you can possibly imagine but that doesn’t mean that the other will reciprocate. You can have the best intentions for someone, care for them, support them, loan to them, pray for them, and love them deeply, but that does not mean that they will recognize it or feel the same way towards you. this is a phenomenon of humanity and the challenge of living and giving unconditionally. It takes a strong person to understand this and live by it. You can fall asleep proud of who you are and happy that you are doing the right thing, but you can wake up the next day to discover that you are being royally fucked in the ass by the same person you are being kind and honest and generous with. lesson three.

Heartbroken. Shock. Agony and disbelief.


Current spin: MUSE, absolution. This is such an amazing CD. this is what coldplay would be if the world were a perfect place. and I love cold play and don't even agree with comparing bands but MUSE should be where coldplay is right now. although Chris is just so passionate and emotive a singer. you know what, I take it back. they're both fucking great... ALTHOUGH... I also just started listening to the new coldplay CD, XY, and it is way too similar to the last, which I know was a very calculated move on their whole camp’s part in order to secure good repeat sales from established fans, but repeats aren't my thing. still need to dig in more because I have mad respect for Chris and the boys.

Last screening: team America, world police. From the same crazies who brought us the South park movie, this one is equally if not much more offensive and shocking. But somehow still really fucking good at the same time. just funny. Over the top junior high school funny.