I LOVE the woods and nature

Oct 10th
I LOVE the woods and nature. I hate to say it, but I am soon out of here, once I buy in this area, I do not believe it will he here in the city. Will live somewhere super-close, but not directly in the city. I just need space AND nature too much.

O.k. check it. FYI. The last two weeks, I have drank so much alcohol. For the last nine or so years I just never drank – all about keeping it super clean and clear and being a wizard and all that. But then in the last couple of weeks I have been drinking a lot. prob four times a week. and I have to say I have noticed an extreme increase in a general depression rising up within me. nothing from outside. just from within... especially days after I have drank a lot.


Another massive earthquake strikes us. this time in Pakistan. It is a weekly, sometimes daily occurrence now. these natural disasters that we had studied and heard about as kids that would eventually hit the world with increasing frequency. When you log onto the Internet or turn on the television, I know this sounds crazy, but you expect it now. you just expect to see some new natural disaster. It is so commonplace today. the thing that struck me immediately this morning was ‘o.k. another natural disaster. Well at least we know now where we are.

If there is no such thing as an apocalypse – a real, valid, end of the world – which I don't actually believe in myself, then o.k. fine. Whatever you want to call these times though.... I am thinking that because we have had times like this before throughout our civilization, this may just be the type of thing that happens when vibrations around the world get really malevolent, dishonest, and sinister – when they swing hard left or right to the other side. I think that the powers that be in Washington and other leading world governments just keep telling themselves to not think about what they're doing that is wrong or evil or how dishonestly they are handling things, that once its over, its over, and then we can revise history to suit our needs as they always have. [for clarification on what this might mean if you need it, watch this interesting tidbit on the supposed “plane that crashed into the pentagon”: http://www.freedomunderground.org/memoryhole/pentagon244.swf]

...I believe that what is happening is perhaps consciousness itself is at odds with the notion of things continuing on like this anymore. Life-consciousness, the universe, mother nature, God, whatever you want to call it in the moment is just totally wreaking havoc on us right now as a defense mechanism against these evil powers that be. it is almost as if – perhaps this is how it feels to a lot of people at its very core – there is something poisonous in the air, in the earth, in mass consciousness, and this near constant barrage of natural disasters we are currently experiencing is the world’s way of regurgitating and expelling the poisons from our collective system. here's another way of looking at it: mother nature may be looking at it this way: if the people will not or can not do something to put an end to this current state of evil wickedness dishonesty and deception that plagues them, then she will. if she has to blow up dig up mess up destroy plunder siege half the earth and its people she will in order to put an end to the current way that things are being handled... though it is heartbreaking to be alive in the world today, this is a comforting way to look at things...

I shoot off a quick reply to one of a seemingly endless stream of fanmail lately to a girl in the Ukraine who writes that she is worried about the world: “Well hey try to think positive. And remember how much greatness you have in your life right now with all of these natural disasters happening around the world. We are very lucky. Worry will only unsettle things more. Try a big dose of laughter and smiles and appreciation. Make the most of right now/today, because who knows what's going to happen in the next moment. Right? Alright, keep kicking butt and reach out and give whenever and wherever you can. Thanks for your email. We love you too. Fishy”


I think at this point if we’re going to wake up to news of a new disaster somewhere in the world everyday, this is just about the only strategy we can take. we have to find a way to shift consciousness to the other side.


Still INSANELY PROLIFIC in the songwriting department. Since last I wrote, I have penned the songs ‘don't be sad my love (I'm here to give you what you want),’ ‘Silence kills,’ ‘song for juno,’ I love my little Stephie,’ and ‘whatever happened to winona, and 'Kerri.’ [this one was a rewrite of an old classic that i had written about Maddlyne O'Ryan back in the day, and i figured if im going to be releasing this CD of all of these songs with girls names (i think there are about 22 of them for the CD) that Maddie better get her song on there. But i hadnt heard or played the song in about ten years and couldnt find it anywhere so i decided to jsut go from memory and write the rest from scratch so thats what i did and in no time i was finished with it. She def deserves a song on that record. even winona ryder and jane pauley are getting songs. so its the least i could do.) In less than a week! just absolutely on fire. can do no wrong. i can pick up the guitar and with total intention just sit down and write a song. it's sick.


Oct 9th,
Slept in till noon. It is pouring here at the lake house. cliffy cat is doing some carpentry on a picture frame. Boo boo as always is studying some new course she is taking. ‘oh you taking a class in something? how out of the ordinary!’ we laugh. She is always taking a class in something. I am out on the back covered porch, taking in the peace and quiet of the pounding rain. Writing. always writing. and thinking. always thinking.

I sit on the back porch and write, watching and listening to the rain. Soaking it into me. city life is so hard is one of the thoughts that come up. Have to find a way to still live in the city or close to the city but still live outside of it though. I need the woods. I need nature.



Last night I sat with cliffy till the wee small hours of the morning, talking and drinking and smoking in the thoughts till there was nothing left to say. He shared with me his appreciation for our music. how often times there is a transcendence CD in rotation in his car along with all the others. how the songwriting is as good or better sometimes than anything else he listens to, and how much he loves the vocals. ( I still always find myself a bit surprised when people speak about my vocals being good, because I started off as such a bad singer, has taken me years to even consider that I could ever sing well. (and indeed would still contend and do that I don't sing well, I know.)) How as he purchases each new album from our back catalogue he is always amazed how good we are, how much he loves our work. He finds himself stumped as to why we are not huge, why we are not a household name in the music business. he rants and raves. Throws out his favorite songs from each album... he is a huge music lover. He may own every good album ever made. so it is indeed a compliment coming from a guy like him. And I don't even mind. I observe with one part of me how the other part of me doesn’t even mind anymore when peeps are complimenting my music. that's different. It used to make me feel uncomfortable. I even enjoy it. I celebrate in it. I like my music now. I mean, I really like it. i like doing it. I enjoy listening to it. I like that others like it. it all makes me feel good. I even like when other people don't like it in a weird way. (in fact it is those individuals that steer me to venture into different directions now and then.)

As he ponders the reasons why I haven't become a huge success after all these great albums I offer that perhaps it is just luck or fate or destiny and not much to worry about. I make enough to keep doing it after all, and with each new album we gain more and more fans, such as himself for example. And besides, I have made a career out of doing exactly what I want to do, never taking any advice from the upper-ups in the biz. That itself could be a big part of it. I've just never been as interested in pleasing others or mass success as I have been in just accomplishing my goals artistically, feeding my own cravings and desires. For twenty years now my family and friends have been pressuring me to make just one “commercial” album, but I wouldn’t know how if I tried. I'm not even sure what that means. And I'm not sure it wouldn’t kill me if I did break it down and try to figure it out.

Somehow I have found myself understanding that I have walked through the fire with my music and art now. I am on the other side. I am so ecstatically in love with my music and art now, with my creativity, with my quest to continue to explore it and adventure in it, and to achieve exactly what I want to with each new album, as a complete whole work of art. It is as though, yes, I have walked through the fire. And I stand at the other side, cleansed and rebirthed and shining, just happy as all hell that I do what I do and that I can give myself and a few others these gifts.

We also speak about the importance of releasing albums as whole complete works of art, as zeke and Jodiach and I spoke of the other night as well. how important it is even in the new climate of the business now focusing on singles for radio, that we continue to focus on whole albums as singular works of art. That is why we spend so much time and energy and money on artwork still in our camp. Because we believe in the album as a whole. As a statement. As its own little package, or message. Each song an integral part of the package as a whole. Buck the industry. Fuck the industry. Just keep creating your little world of wonder. That's my motto.


He then tells me a little bit about his marriage and divorce. Cliffy cat is about twenty years older than I am. I share with him that is one of the reasons why I have never been married. Just never wanted to take the risk of divorce I guess. He shares about how just after he purchased this big beautiful house on the lake in the woods he came home to discover his wife was sleeping with their yard man. how he spent the next six months in shock, sitting on the couch staring into nothingness crying for hours, feeling very alone and betrayed. I can say nothing. I can only sit there and listen and smile and feel with him. yes my brother. being human. Isn't it a curious and marvelous thing after all. we are indeed the envy of the angels.


As I drift off to sleep this night, I reflect on the weeks earlier events, and my life as a whole, how I have adamantly avoided ever allowing myself to even consider marriage forever to another. How it had/has been as much for reasons of protecting myself from such a fate, as it has been to protect all the wonderful girls I have had the privilege of being with from me inflicting such a fate on them. I would never want to cause pain like that for someone. one day I will be ready for the great leap into the forever unknown. I am sure. But not yet. my heart is too much the adventurer still. always falling in love. I will know when it is time.

Isn't it curious though I think that in times like that it isn't so much the missing of the other person that strikes us so deeply as it is the raw feelings of abandonment? For once a person does that to you, you don't really want to be with them anyway. But you just cannot get over the feeling of being hurt by their callous betrayal of what you considered so sacred. And yet, we are all guilty of this betrayal of another at one time or another in our lives. No one is innocent. No is to blame.



Writing ‘Song for Juno’ right now, for Juliet’s six year old daughter. I first made note to write that song for her and for the upcoming Girls album back in December of last year. it took me ten months to find it in my head, from out in the ethers. I never mind waiting for a song to come. Write down the title and eventually the song will come...

Current read: Meditation, by Sir Thomas More.


Oct 7th, 2005
I'm on a train right now going to a lake house in the middle of the woods in Connecticut. I love New York and the northeast because of trains and how easy it is to get everywhere. And I just love trains.



Britney emails me a bit deeper... she starts off with a Fishy quote from the Transcendence Diaries that she finds in an article on the Internet. I remember writing it. an epitaph of sorts I would say...

Hi Fishy,
You wrote this --
"Still finding myself obsessed with a quiet secret subtle and almost
constant gnawing at my insides about the unbearable sadness of how
impermanent everything is. Our lifetimes are short here. I remind
myself that it is up to me to find meaning while I am here. I try to
live my life to its fullest and even then I cannot shake the deep
underlying knowing that they are all just moments lived and then soon
forgotten. Where is the meaning in that?"

she tells me:
“But seriously, this sums up my sense of sadness and emptiness. i long for moments that have passed yesterday. it hurts, i long for them so bad. yet the new moments are just as good. and as soon as they pass, i
long for those as well. did you know that i wrote my thesis on the
issue of religion and death? it was called "girl meets death: a
theological memoir." when i was in the 4th grade a good friend of
mine died from leukemia. it fucking killed me. i was so young, but
totally hung up on dying, getting old, and even worse, waiting for my
parents to just rot while i had to sit there and watch. or being
constantly and chronically paranoid about one of them dying in some
freak accident....i would sit at my window and stare out into the
dark, sky-scrapper filled sky and just kill myself over thinking about
my physical end. HOW WILL I NOT BE HERE? i would touch myself. this
is me. okay, i am here. but what the fuck? how can i just be shut
off, put in the ground, never to see, to touch, to experience again?
it was so bitter, so unbearably sad, so strange.

what i'm trying to say is that it seems like you have a lot of hang
ups with death, as well....at least, i sense that in this quotation i
came across.

that's why the death of our family friend hit me so hard. it's just a
huge encompassing issue in my life. and it's like, i want to believe
in something greater, another life, a larger life, a bigger purpose.
and i do...but i totally don't. ya know? it's like, so weird because
when i got to be a freshman in college i thought i was going to major
in film (YEAH RIGHT, in retrospect). but by chance, i didn't sign up
for enough classes so on a whim i signed up for this religion class
called "charisma and religious authority." that class and that
professor changed my life. after taking that class i went through a
major depression/revelation/epiphany, and it had to do with sensing
that God (or whatever or whoever), while i had been pushing him/her
away, was actually right in the very essence of who i am. right in my
soul, very deep. and actually it was that presence which, in
actuality, made me me, perhaps my largest characteristic or something.
and when i came to understand these feelings i totally freaked out.
i felt so alone and confused. my best friend, liese, when i told her
all of this was like, 'Britney, i've known that all along." that
was comforting. but the most comforting was when i called my brother
and sobbed for hours to him describing all of these crazy revelations,
which i knew, would force me to face a much more difficult, yet
fulfilling life. and then he began crying because he had felt this
way his entire life and never could talk to anyone about it because it
started too young and no one understood what the hell he was speaking
of. so we formed a bond that night that was stronger than any other i
had made at that point in my life. we were tied together by these
feelings, and had one another to turn to forever. and that was
comfort. and of course we had our parents who are wonderful and
understand everything, my dad actually recalls almost the exact same
occurance when he was a boy. it was funny because up until that point
everyone always knew i was pushing something big away from me, not
letting it shine through, but i was in denial. and that one religion
class changed everything for me. yet now i am left feeling similarly
confused about what i believe and how i want to go about my religious,
or spiritual life.

anyway Fishy your sentiment above really hit a chord in me and i suppose i just felt i needed to share...

love ya,
Britney”



I wrote her back and told her that's why I think we have a the bond that we do. because on the surface there is just this goofy exuberance we share about life, but underneath I think there is this knowing... the impermanence of it all.


The whole theme was accented and defined further today by being at cliffy cat’s house and the events that went around me. he is getting divorced. just divorce itself, the whole way that one minute we can be in this whole family unit vibe and be taking all that stuff so seriously and then in the next minute its all just over. Now cliffy cat is depressed because his kids are going to college and the wife is moving to Oregon which means that the kids will be making their new home in Oregon probably. He's just fucking devastated, feeling as though he just wasted the last twenty years of his life.... what was all that hard work for? yes I know this one well.... this is the challenge we are given to learn to love unconditionally... to rise above our humanity.... and besides that now he has Boo Boo Kitty, so of course he could always make a few more babies with her if he wanted to, so really, he's a lucky son of a b. but yes the impermanence of things... it can be devastating...


He makes a huge income. Huge by most peoples standards. Prob pulls in two hundred a year. But now they have to maintain two households on one income that they were normally used to maintaining only one household on. that's divorce. One of the many things that sucks about it. so their vacation house here on the lake, probably has a mortgage of seven or eight grand a month, he has to sell. And he's devastated. And they're going around the house putting all this stuff in boxes to give away to goodwill. To give away. things they purchased and had in their home... and I'm thinking wow things really are impermanent. Its all just sand in a fucking hourglass isn't it.

What's weirder is that later in the day we went to this antique store and they were thinking of buying some things. and I comment, yeah lets buy some more stuff so we can add it to the goodwill box to give away when we get home. you know, it makes no sense. Buying and selling stuff. as I made my way around the antique store I saw all this stuff and realized I felt no need at all to buy anything. Besides the fact that I think I own just about everything a person could ever want already, I was also taken by the fact that all this stuff is stuff that belonged to people who are now dead. This stuff is still sitting here, but they are long gone, never to be heard from again. how utterly fucking depressing. What could I want? And why I would want anything? At this point I just feel that stuff is just weighing me down. I think I came to this understanding that its all just about me and the world now. building up my self, my soul, and my creative output and doing my best to help and contribute to the world, rather than concern myself with collecting things....

There was this moment when I chanced upon some lady’s diary from 1942. she had written in it once a week for five years. but all the entries were very boring or I would have purchased it. things like. “woke up at 8:15 today. made breakfast. Did dishes. Was through by 10:30.” Really inane day to day notations. Made me sad. Wow. so that's somebody’s life. day after miserable day of this for five years.



Dear Britney,
About what you write though, just let me say this and get to the effing shower! but I think this will help tons. At twenty-three years old I remember distinctly being in a place called 'totally confused spiritually/personally/emotionally' still. really studying a lot and keep trying to OPEN UP. by twenty-five it was way better -- that is when I recorded the acoustic in New York CD by the way -- which is totally soft and acoustic and spiritual. By thirty, I really hit my stride. I mean, at thirty all of a sudden it just felt like the chains of all of that came off and I became comfortable in my skin and truly happy to be me... and quite confident in my place in the world....

The realization that you have, that we all have, and that we share... that whole trip, yeah, its always there... and its just something that we have to deal with. But while dealing with it, it makes us so much better people as we take it and use it to live life to the absolute fullest! Yes?

PS -- that is why your fathers sermons kick ass and appeal to people such as myself who totally think they are smart as shit and already know it all. because he really UNDERSTANDS AND FEELS THE SAME THING as you pointed out below.


More later gator.
Love Fishy



I think it comes down to what in college my friends and I used to
describe as the difference between those who know and those who don't know. the people who know, know that they don't know shit. and the ones who don't know, are the ones who think they know. and that's it in a nutshell.

the people who know, understand their sadness, the human sadness. they find ways to deal with it healthily and productively. They make the most of our short lives here. the ones who think they know but don't because they don't realize that we don't know, live in this kind of dream world. they drink, they indulge in sports and TV and trying to keep up with the Joneses because they can’t quite get a handle on that sadness that lurks underneath it all. the human condition. The never spoken about invisible not-knowing of it all... so they fill their minds with things that they think they know. things like tabloids, and religious dogma and fake history and patriotism of whatever country they happened to be born into... Jesus was born to a virgin and George Washington couldn’t tell a lie and slavery was o.k. because it was way back then and the native Americans are o.k. with the fact that we killed them all – in fact they celebrate thanksgiving in order to commemorate the event -- and lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy and all that other weird stuff. they swear that if you are saved or born again that all is well, and they can tell you who pitches for the Boston red sox each year and all that and they think that's important.


Little T the 12 year old kid who lives upstairs from me is already starting to notice the differences between himself and the other kids. He tells me the other day that bigger kids are picking on him and that ‘all the kids at school think I'm a geek. They think I'm weird because all they wanna talk about is stupid stuff and when I want to talk about deep stuff they make fun of me.” its no wonder his best friend is over thirty. this is a kid who by age twelve has already written about forty songs. So he's obviously different, above the rest. I tell him look man, there's not a lot I can do to help you fit in. I think once you play your first talent show this year that kids will start digging you when they see how talented you are. but you can’t force yourself to be stupid or average. You are who you are. you can either fake being one of them to fit in, which won't work because people see through that, or you can just accept that you’re different and be yourself. Be an outsider. At your age everyone just goes along with everything, tries their best to be cool and fit in. and that sucks if you're a deep thinker. But by the time you hit college you will start to find more people who think like you do. “holy shit man! I'm in the seventh grade! College is seven years away Fishy!” I know man. what can I tell you. that's just the way it is. I can’t lie to you. you think junior high is bad. Wait till high school. Then it gets worse. Its all about sports and all that. everyone walking around in this big pretense, afraid to be themselves... then you'll really feel like an outsider. But thank God you play the guitar. That was my saving grace. That's what saved my ass.

but hey I'll tell you one thing we can do, we can get you some boxing classes and at least that way the bigger kids won't pick on you. so he and I are going to take some boxing classes together. he asked me what I did to stop the bigger kids from picking on me and I relayed to him the story of the Mez. This kid who picked on me everyday at the beginning of freshman year. in drama class we got into a fight because I was sick of it. and I managed to pick him up around my back and slam him down on the ground going straight backwards onto the classroom floor. I broke his collar bone and got suspended for a week. he walked around the halls in a cast for two months. that was enough to assure that no more kids would pick on me anymore through high school. So I told him that yeah at heart we were lovers not fighters for sure. But you need something like that to set you apart or yeah at your size, high school could end up being pretty brutal. You need to show the kids that yeah you may be a deep thinking geek but you are no pussy. You may have to bust a head or two as a message to these bigger kids T. he just looked at me with his head in his hands like ‘oh man, I am doomed.’



-------------------------------------





At the lake house up in Connecticut with boo and cliffy cat. Sitting by the fire drinking very peaty tasting taliskar scotch and playing guitars and singing songs. Playing some Beatles songs. Comparing the difference between George and John’s and Paul’s songwriting. Georges complicated chord patterns always so distinguishable. And yet Paul just as intricate and complex with yesterday or here and there and everywhere. and then John will throw in a sexy Sadie or I am the walrus. You know they all just had it. also talking about how John and Paul immediately started groups with their wives whereas George didn't; because they were so used to being in that partnership thing with their music.


Notes Real quick: eBay has changed everything. to buy or sell anything, you go to eBay. Cliffy cat is selling this big beautiful five thousand square foot mansion of a house and he's sold just about everything in it including furniture bikes boats pool table etc on eBay already. Every musician I know hasn’t bought anything new or at a store in years. for me its been since ‘97. not only do we like the money saving aspect of it. you also like the variety aspect of it because you can choose between so many guitars and end up with anything you could possibly. Also you can buy OLD USED guitars on eBay, which are so much more preferable to new ones. And then there's just the cool factor in buying and selling things on eBay. The other day I bought the entire gong show collection on DVD, watched it and laughed my ass off for a few days and turned around and sold it for the same price I paid to someone else three days later.

For cds and books its all about Amazon. You buy them there used for half the price. you turn around and sell them when you're done with them.

For DVDs movies documentaries or anything from TV from the last fifty years that you want to watch, its all about netflix. You order it and just throw it in your queue. And everyday a new DVD or two shows up. if you love it and want to own it, you can keep it for twenty bucks, or you can head to Amazon and usually find it cheaper to buy there used from somebody.

These are the great things about the new technology. The bad part is of course is that as an artist as soon as you release a new CD, you'll see ten of them pop up on Amazon and eBay for half the retail price and you don't get paid for those. Not ever. And a year into its release, there're fifty of them up there, and you don't get paid for those either. that's the bad part.


Talking about the new wave of strange weather. we are experiencing. Warmest fall ever up here, indeed all over the country. except of course in parts where they are experiencing the coldest weather ever. Everything is a bit backwards right now. global warming has turned out to actually be a reality. Increased hurricanes just another one of the many symptoms of this new scene. How it is affecting real estate with people now thinking twice before buying coastal property.