Easy to say, easier to know, but hard to feel sometimes

What a day. Granted that after yesterday’s unexpected visitation from no less than Tobias Guess himself – after how many years now? -- not much could overshadow that puzzling and yet exhilarating event to be sure. But still... a few things to ruminate on perhaps and nothing more.

To begin with, we are still totally up in the air regarding which record company or companies are going to release the three albums we have coming out this year. My entire day is spent on the phone at this point with our manager the Big Man in Black and the guys in the band and with various radio promoters to gauge their opinion of “potential singles” and with various record company execs. It is total insanity. And I'm starting to feel the pressure from it all caving in on me...

In other news, we have spoken about this before. So not much need to dig very deep in the setup. But just to catch up where we are with it. Still struggling over a sort of underlying jealousy regarding Sabine and her new found freedom since we broke up. Which I might add was over a year ago... but there is still this thing between us when we do on occasion get a chance to see each other... which isn't often due to her travel schedule. As a professional ballet dancer it just wasn't something she was willing to give up... and me being a professional God only knows, I too didn't want to give up my own traveling... So we had no choice but to end it. Because what kind of relationship are we going to be able to cultivate from that. But I still find myself sometimes entirely transfixed by her beauty, her exotic nature, her mysteriousness, her quick wittedness, and quite frankly, the most sensual love affair I have ever had in my life with a woman. And that says a lot. Because up until that point I thought I had pretty much seen and done it all. But ours was way beyond anything that either of us had ever experienced. We could orgasm just from making out. Crazy. But true. Just from touching each other. It was insane like that. But that Israeli temper of hers, mixed with my half Italian temper... there was just no hope. We were bound to destroy each other. I am glad we were able to get out alive quite frankly. But it still doesn’t stop the pain sometimes.

Knowing that Ashland Meadows had also recently experienced something similar, I texted her something short like: “Question, when you have a free minute.” She texted back. “whatever you need.” So I gave her a call. She was of all places at a McDonalds getting a McFlurry. Talk about turn-ons. It doesn’t really get better than that. Ashland Meadows and a McFlurry in the same sentence. In the SAME ROOM no less! Too much for words. Well that's besides the point. I just wanted to get her take on the whole thing. And true to form, she was dead on in her analysis of the situation. We both concluded that if anything, it is something primitive, something evolutionary in our DNA. Though we might KNOW a person is right for us, that still doesn’t stop us from still wanting that person, or even if we no longer even want them, we still find it hard to think about them with another person. It is only natural. It sucks but its just plain true. I believe that in time it goes away.

In fact I know so. Because I have so many ex-girlfriends that I am now lucky enough to call best friends. And truth is many of them are now married to someone else and I can no longer even think of them in that respect anymore. Even Cleopatra who I was the closest to and stayed with the longest... I just couldn’t imagine being with her in that way. But with other girls, it’s slightly different still.... Still hard for me to think of them with other people. Even though one, I don't want to be with them like that anymore, and two, in reality I hope and pray in my heart of hearts for their true happiness in love and everything else and really want them to find someone who is better suited for them than I. But you know, that still doesn’t stop the pain when you are listening to a recent “ex” talking about being with some other guy or girl... it’s perplexing. And quite frustrating. It is like a battle between the heart and the mind.

At one point Ashland said something to the effect of “Sabine is smart enough to know intellectually what to say. And I think she really believes what she said to you and wants the best for you, which in this case is for you to find someone who is more suited to you and that doesn’t travel as much and who you really can have lots of babies with if that's what you want. We know from the left side of our brain what the right thing is Fishy, and we can even say it, but to get ourselves to actually feel it, that takes time. I think she’ll get there.”

I don't think it could be said any better. So we’ll leave it at that. But I hope she's right. The last thing in the world I would want is for either of us in pain.