At the cigar store this morning and I'm sitting next to this guy and he overhears me talking to Dasher about the show. And I'm screaming “dude you know what? you don't have to break this shit down anymore. Everyday it’s the same fucking thing. I know it doesn’t seem cohesive yet. that's because we haven't filmed enough yet. period. Once we have more footage, we’ll know what we have. It is inherently interesting. Real people ARE interesting! The Bishop? Al Sharpton? That's interesting!” “Yeah but how does that all fit together? what is the point of this?” he screams back at me. “Dude that's life. Life isn't cohesive. But somehow it all ties in together. The lesbian interview? Look man, what guy hasn’t thought about why a girl would one day decide she is gay?! Or do lesbians miss penises?! I mean how satisfying is just two girls having sex with each other? Don't you want to know about that? I do. That shit is interesting man!”

This guy sitting next to me at the store is looking at me like I'm crazy. after I get off the phone we start talking and sharing what we do with one another. He tells me that he's a retired investor. He is only 44 years old. I look at him a few minutes later, and I'm like, ‘so you're retired huh? Like, you're home free?’ And he's like ‘economically yes.’ so I was fascinated. I told him about my plan to settle with 3.8 million and asked him if that were enough. He asked me how much I wanted to live on per year. I told him I would be comfortable with 180,000. He said ‘no way.’ said that ‘a good rule of thumb is six times what you want to draw a year. you want to pull a hundred and eighty thousand a year comfortably and not worry about running out, you're going to need about six mill.” Wow. Good info.

Tells me that the guys on Wall Street live by the 10 by 40 rule. I ask him what that is. he tells me its simple. They want to have ten mill in the bank by the time they hit 40 to retire on. Wow. Tells me that half the guys I'm sitting in the store with today are billionaires. That he knows most of them. says that five mill was ‘one deal’ if you know what you're doing. That's one deal. Its nothing once you get started. He then asks me if I plan to have a wife and children. ‘yep,’ I answer. ‘well then you better raise that figure if that hundred and eighty is just for you alone.’ Tells me that I should count on $240,000 per child just for education from k through 12 without putting any food in their mouths if I want them in good schools like his kids had. and what about the wife? If you're living on a hundred and eighty a year what's she living on? You thought about that?”

Again, wow. I have a lot to learn. Good stuff.

At the cigar store on Sunday before the race and there were these men in there. not your typical cigar store guys. they were visiting from Vegas. One guy had this strange habit of staring at every girl who would walk by the window we normally sit in front of and when they would catch his eye he would cock his head to the side and raise his eyebrows up with this sly smile on his face, like an evil cat about to eat a mouse or something... turns out he is a Las Vegas hypnotist... anyway these men were so jaded about women that I felt nauseated listening to them. normally one assumes that men in a cigar store are upper-class and educated but now and then you meet some real lower-minded Neanderthals in there. I am tired of men who think that women are only out for money and men are only out for sex. it is an unfortunate symptom of some of the more unevolved beings that we unfortunately must still come face to face with in these supposedly modern times. I was so sickened by their misogynistic conversation that I put my cigar out midway which I would never do and just bailed on the scene. I have no patience for that kind of thinking.

nyc marathon was in town and I was so moved by it. it was breathtaking and awe inspiring. New York is fucking amazing.

Still find myself obsessed with friends at times. this kind of manic paranoia that is not entirely clear to me. don't take it seriously anymore. If I don't give it much, but rather just observe it like oh isn't that interesting it goes away. this was the substance of my thoughts tonight as I was walking home from the Stallions house. which is a whole other matter. Every time I see her I find myself more attracted to her. told her tonight I think its some kind of a molecular bond I have to her. can’t seem to shake it. which isn't a good thing, because we already tried to go out for a while and just couldn’t get it to fit so perfect... there was always too much static between us. like we wanted to kill each other some times. I still love her though. And Juliet too. and a few others. crazy. but tonight we had this kind of celebratory realization that two years ago to this month we were both sitting in her apartment in Miami beach reading this reference guide to nyc and planning on coming here to live and now we live here. so we were happy in that. we did it. we fucking did it. 

But yes as I was coming home I was ruminating on this nagging friend feeling --- feeling like I didn't have enough friends, those type of feelings. Which is crazy because objectively I can honestly see that I have too many if anything, if that is possible. So this fear or resistance is something that is just there that is transparent that I am operating through non-deliberately. but still it comes through inside of me and I just find myself feeling sad or lonely every now and then, kind of like an Eeyor sort of woe is me feeling. Again, totally unwarranted, and unaware of the specific origin of the feelings. But very real nonetheless. And then Rockaway called and we talked for like an hour or two like two old housewives with nothing better to do as we always do and then it went away and I realized Its just something I need to explore and discreate. Not sure where it comes from, but I know that its only as real as I allow it to be. there is safety in that knowing. You move through it faster. Recognize that it isn't me, its just a feeling. And more powerful than that, a feeling that I am creating.

Last screening: commanding heights: the battle for the world economy, volume one. Fascinating. Study of the conflict between Keynesian planned government socialism, and Hayek’s and Friedman’s more conservative capitalist de-regulated approach. Basically a 20th century economy lesson. Good stuff. I had no idea. You really begin to understand the role that governments have and can have in our lives. And you also understand the difference between America and many of the other countries around the world. we are lucky here for our capitalist society in many ways, because we are so free to make money. But we’re still fucked here in some ways because we don't have things like universal health care and the rampant deregulation of our industry has now led to monopolies galore like in radio and in oil companies and in the music industry and newspaper business... and of course there is still very much a make it or don't make it mentality here that other more civilized countries frown upon as barbaric, as our health care system is an example of, where you can have whole families without health care, or old people sitting at home dying in bed alone and no one even knows about it or does anything about it. And unless you work for some large company you're forced to pay this ridiculous amount of money just to get covered and then you're still not very well covered for your health. This is an example where some government control would help. After watching the debates rage throughout the century as to which system was better, because in many instances both had worked for America and for other countries alike, I believe we need a balance between the two, always fluctuating back and forth between rampant capitalism and subtle socialistic ideas in order to maintain the balance for the economy and the health and security of the people. I don't see why it has to be one or the other.

Current spin: Janet Jackson, together again remix. I LOVE Janet.