A few things. Saw the play “A Picasso” tonight. With jazz. We kissed. Ten little kisses in a row in the rain in an empty parking lot. Good times. Play was average. Understand why it is playing in Miami. Wouldn’t play anywhere else in the country. Very sophomoric. Trite, predictable. Felt as if we were watching a college student’s first attempt at writing a play. I could write this shit in my fucking sleep I am thinking as I nod off during the dull performance. French restaurant, amazing lamb chops. The best ever. The worst crème Brule ever. Returned it. Owner walks around whistling at all of his employees. And shouts across the room to everyone. Very French. Classic.

More and more lately starting to appreciate the pro-life stance. Bas I talk about it. Ran into Tucker Carlson, the annoying guy from Crossfire with the bowtie, the other day in Boston. He told me it was only a matter of time before I was a conservative. We laughed. Although I don't agree with him, I am starting to understand the whole anti-abortion thing. As he says, it is murder and there is just no two ways about it. It’s a game of hide and go seek we play. Lets pretend there's nothing living under there. We throw the cat in the bag and we tell ourselves ‘I don't see a cat. What cat?’ and then we shoot at the bag until the cat stops jumping around. ‘Seriously, I never saw a cat, did you? It was just a bag that jumped a lot.’ As long as we don't see the cat, then its o.k. Bas says, ‘I hate to break from the liberal side even for a moment, but lets be fair here, its legalized murder. By twelve weeks they have a heart beat, a brain, and even finger nails.’ ‘I know dude. It’s a tough call. I don't know what to do.’ ‘I think they should just have them unless their life is endangered, or in the case of rape or something. but in all other cases, they should have the baby. Its nine months. That's all. if they don't want the baby, they can give it up for adoption. Its not like there aren't hundreds, even thousands of parents out there ready and waiting to adopt a child.’ ‘I would have to agree with you bro. I don't think we have any choice at this point. I understand the dilemma, who wants to be told what to do with their body, but at the same time, what are we going to do? keep trying to pretend there's not a living breathing person under there? just because we can’t see them with the naked eye? Its crazy.’ ‘Yep. Its crazy.’

The cats. Standing by the open door. Cats coming in. Cats can’t decide if they want to go out. a little drunk. for a moment there, I went into their minds. A brief moment. Felt what it felt like from their perspective. A flashback to my youth. I have felt this before. when I was younger I  had this ability to feel what the cats felt. To see things from the cat perspective. The Avatar tools enable us to get back to that. to feel from different perspectives again. I forget sometimes that I have this ability.

Current screening: 81/2 by fellini. Still watching it. I watch a little every night. a few minutes and no more just before sleep. I don't want it to go away. like a fine pinot noir sitting in the glass on the table. To be savored, not devoured. this film is amazing isn't it. just amazing. this scene with him and all the women in his house and he with the whip. It is transcendent. A bold vision.

The play was not all lost time. The Picasso play did remind me. at times. that was the good part. The inspiration. To be all that I can be. to fully embrace all of me. all of my gifts and talent. To let it out. even if it is just a three minute sketch so to speak. Stop thinking of the commerciality of it. its fucking art for Gods sake. Its your fucking art. Picasso said ‘my paintings are my eyes and arms.’ I felt that. my music is my eyes and arms and ears and legs. It is my vehicle. the bastards of the industry try to squash that in us. try to force us to operate from a purely commercial viewpoint. It is a challenge everyday to ignore their money-grubbing practicality. I heard the new avril lavigne song today on the radio and it reminded me of everything I am not and everything I work hard never to be. this song will be a hit I thought. But I will never make a song like this. I will have hits on my own terms. In my own way. to have a hit is not the goal. To achieve sublime personal expression on your own terms as the artist. that is the goal. If one can somehow combine that with mass commercial appeal in a moment in time, then all the better. In one moment to have the two worlds collide. Now that would be something. a miracle. But one cannot be at the expense of the other. Think of Sheryl and her hit ‘if it makes you happy.’ I would be proud to have written that song. And that song was a hit. So it can happen. but for the most part her work has been shit ever since. so for me I have always been on the edge. Perhaps a bit too cautious for my own good. too experimental, too eager for eclecticism. But nonetheless, better than being commercial for no other reason than that as the ultimate goal.  

Welcome to the new age. Two nights ago I was laying in bed reading the live from New York Saturday night live history book. It was late. I read about their 25^th anniversary show they did a few years back. I couldn’t remember if I had seen it or not. I wanted to see it. o.k. So I lazily grab my laptop in the pitch black of the night, I log onto eBay and in less than a minute I purchase a copy of the 25^th anniversary special on DVD for $5 from someone who lives in Oklahoma. Today the DVD arrived. Amazing. God I love eBay. 

-----Original Message-----

From: Rosie

Sent: Wednesday, May 07, 2003 4:56 PM

To: xxxxx@transcendence.com

Subject: abortion

Hey Fishy, I'll try my best to get you those cigars.  I just thought I would ask your advice on something.  What do you think about abortion.....not me of course ( ha, I got you didn't I)....I went to this talk today on pro-life and found that I seemed to be the only one in the room (other than the speaker) with views against abortion.  I ended up having nearly the whole room against me and even had a girl who was a friend and I had had over to my house ignore me.  It seems like a hot topic over on this side of the Atlantic and if you are not pro-abortion then your seen as someone who is against freedom and human rights.  My stance is that I think a baby has rights and that a person who is responsible enough to have sex knows that there is always a minute possibility of pregnancy and if that scares them so much they should not be having sex.  Ok...so I know I might be militant cause I have not found my self in the situation but I would just like to know your views cause I know that you like me are quite opinionated and I respect your opinion! :)

Love Ro

Hey Rosie Posie,

Well that is a tough one for me.

I think it goes like this:

When you are young, you are a fool if you are not a liberal. When you are older, you are a fool if you are not a conservative. Perhaps the same thing has been said about being an atheist and a believer, or about abortion. 

When we're younger, it seems like no big deal. Get it done in the first few weeks and move on. After all it should be up to the mother. It's her body. It certainly seems like an open and shut case for human rights on the pro-life side--pro-mother's life that is. But alas, as we become older and more of our friends find it impossible to get pregnant, or lose their babies to miscarriage, or are forced to adopt for various reasons, it does seem to make you think about the possibility of creating it so people just have them instead and then give them up to other people. 

But then again we would have a lot more orphans out there just roaming around with no parents who love them. Because the thing is that if someone wants to abort their baby they aren't going to want to keep them around or take care of them, so what kind of life is that?

And the gov is going to do an awful job of it so it's like we are forcing that whole family into a real bad and tough situation. What if the child never gets adopted? How sad. But is that better than not being born at all? I don't think so. No definitely not. Even worse, what if the mom has the child and just totally treats it like shit and doesn't take care of it for years and years like we see in the inner cities and all that? That would be awful too. 

Although some kids get adopted and do seem fine and have great lives. Eddie Murphy is a great example of that for one. And so many others. I have two really good friends who were both adopted because at the time their moms didn’t think they could take care of them. And they have had amazing lives so far. But I digress. To abort or not to abort, that is the question. 

I just don't know yet. Maybe one day I will make up my mind. Right now I am torn on this issue. When I was younger I thought it was cut and dried. I wish I could give you an answer.

Just stick to your guns and believe in yourself. Your heart will guide you in the direction you need to go on this one and in everything else. You'll never let yourself down. People are fucked most of the time--very few realize that it is o.k. for other people to have their own opinion. So you have yours. Good for you.

Love,

Fishy 

Ps--don't forget my cigars or I won't let you in :)

Someone the other day said, “I'm pro-life, but I am also pro-choice. These people that run around the country claiming to be pro-life are not pro-life. that is not pro-life. that is a misnomer. that is compulsory pregnancy, is what it is. What they are is compulsory pregnantists.” Classic.

Three songs are now mixed for the new album. 

Last great movie: lady windemere’s fan, by oscar wilde. Brilliant. Bas says to me, I can’t believe he was only able to write five or six plays before society killed him. what? Just because he wanted to fuck some guys up the ass? They kill the greatest writer in the world?