Observations Re Modern Television - Fixes (1)

Observations re modern television. This just occurred to me, but had been boiling just below the surface for months.

[as most already know, for the first 30 years of my life I did not "subscribe" to television. literally nor figuratively. not sure if there is any better way to say it; subscribe seems appropriate since most people pay a monthly fee for cable or satellite service. (a lot of people when television comes up say something like "I don't have a tv" but 9 times out of 10 they're not being honest. what they mean to say is that they don't watch that much tv or they don't subscribe to any service). regardless, i I was one of those people for most of my life. a little more than a year ago i started deliberately studying television. actively seeking out anything and everything that was suggested or recommended as being "good" or even just popular. for many reasons. the two primary purposes of this experiment though were, one, i had been, still am, working on a prediction/theory for the We Are the Revolution/Personal Expression Age book that American television was about to enter into a quasi-renaissance of sorts, which it was and now IS, without a doubt; so i wanted to explore the medium and its content more; after all, this was a theory based on intuition and research. I wanted to get a firsthand experience of it. So i began subscribing to cable television. I was right. It is. Two, i intuited that if i were right in this prediction, then "good writing" by smart people would be more in demand than ever before in human history. historically, good writers, smart writers do not go near television. in fact, smart people in general, not even as consumers of the product, do not go near television. but all that's changed. at least in my opinion. they do now. both to consume and to write for it. it makes sense. it was only a matter of time. i am writer. it is what i do more and better than anything else. music is another. but writing... is like breathing for me. (an extension of thinking really, when you think it through deeper, to its core. some might be surprised that most people do not spend as much time as others do "thinking". i am still amazed by how few people consciously and deliberately "think"... just a thought. perhaps more on that later. we're already three or four layers past our original point by now.) for many of my closest friends and colleagues, they too are addicted to thinking and writing by their very nature. television is a giant medium. it dwarfs the world of books, literature, journalism and the movie business. writers can eat and support themselves if they would only open up to television. the problem of course is that traditionally no writer worth their weight in copper even would dare write for television. at least not in their own name. but... if television were truly about to enter a renaissance and begin to allow good writing into it's bed and not exist solely as a cheap opiate for the masses as it normally had been since its inception, then worthy writers might actually find the task bearable if not downright enjoyable. so began my exploration of american television. this is not the place or time to post my findings. but suffice it to say that the theory proofed out. though american television is still primarily shite, for lack of a better word, pandering for attention like a toothless dime-store hooker in a broken wheelchair, it does possess a fair amount of decent writing. that's probably too generous actually. not a lot. not even a little. (pardon me if this offends. i am well aware that i am speaking to a very small crowd here. literati and intellectuals only perhaps. people who would never normally even consider "watching television" as a past time. a world that has almost entirely disappeared in modern times.) soon my experiment evolved from exploration to study. the question no longer lingered. i had my answer. but a new question arose. HOW does one write for television? what is the art (if any) or craft of it? the time limits obligated by archaic programming paradigms necessitate a very specific method and style, as compared to film or printed word where there is more freedom. and thus for the last six months i have been studying television the same way a marine biologist might study dolphins. most of the time it is an excruciating task i must confess. but occasionally it is downright pleasurable.]

But still there is this time limit thing. that's not the only problem with modern american television, renaissance or not; far from it. but it is the main reason i pulled out the iPad in this moment. to address this particular problem with a few ideas for potential fixes that just occurred to me. the idea goes something like this: consider LOST for a moment. that show ran for eight or nine seasons, once a week for an hour per episode, airing approximately 28 weeks out of each year. i only learned of this show a few months ago. sat down to watch one episode in October, found that i liked it, that it was relatively entertaining. from there i watched all nine seasons in a matter of a few weeks. one after the other. for hours and days at a time. nine years of television in a month. i did this because i sincerely enjoyed the show. (unlike most people i was not disappointed by the show's new age spiritual finale. i was fine with it. it is not my place to judge where the shows creators wanted to take their show. it was their baby). but here's the rub: if i had been the average person, waiting each week with baited breath for each new episode to air, I would have given up on it in season one. i don't live the kind of lifestyle where one can do that. nor do i possess the mentality to even want to.

Right now, as of this writing at least, television is very structured and formatted. rigidly so. unlike film where we allow the story to tell itself in however short or long a time it needs to, the creators of television structure the stories around the time slots they believe they need to fill. this creates numerous problems and limitations. and for no real reason. Idea one: let the idea of time-slots go. Let the stories guide the time allotted for each show. let the viewers decide on the worthiness of such a venture. similar to what we currently do with sports and tv. 60 Minutes has always run late on Sunday nights during football season. Why? Because we don't cut NFL games short just to jump to 60 Minutes.

Shows like ELEMENTARY or TOUCH or PERSON OF INTEREST (all semi-decent as far as tv goes) could do with episodes that lasted more than one hour. (One hour of television is actually more like 42 minutes due to the need for commercials). The idea that one particular story that might be better served by allowing it more time to open, simmer and eventually resolve needs to do all of that within the confines of 42 minutes "no matter what" is antiquated and short sighted. worse, it limits the work's ability for greatness. Similar to what the creators of DOWNTON ABBEY did in the third season. Several episodes were two hours versus one. Randomly and erratically and with no fair warning. But it worked. It was a pleasant surprise. for fans at least.

Idea two: would entail letting go of the idea of weekly instalments completely. for run of the mill sitcoms the weekly time-slot paradigm still works. there is usually very little story; more a series of running gags strung together to entertain in the moment and that's that. But for shows that feature a long running story line, like LOST, why not run a few shows not only longer than the rigid one hour, but also let them air several times per week; allow them to breathe like an expensive wine... open them up and tell the story, today, tomorrow, the next day, the next.... again, letting the audience dictate how often they want to see it per week.

The studios and creators of the shows (content) believe that the networks care about things like this. They don't. Their sole mission is to generate revenue by the use of the space they rent. (hence the inclusion of PAID ADVERTISING on many networks post the 11 o'clock time-slot. I've not yet discovered a taste for this particular show myself, but PAID ADVERTISING must pay better than most other shows that networks can purchase, or rent space to). If a studio or show creator comes to a network and offers up a proposal to air a show that breaks all time-slot rules, the idea can be easily sold to advertisers that are dying to break the mold of their own industry's limitations. My prediction is that it is only a matter of time before this begins to happen. Advertisers will come running. And in fact there is a good chance they would even voluntarily enter into bidding wars with one another for exclusive rights to sponsoring whole shows. Just a hunch. Of course this wouldn't be necessary. But it shows the potential for how powerful a paradigm shift this could be.

There is more. but let's leave it at that. this is good enough to remind me of the initial ideas. more later.

When you find that special place you call home you FEEL it. No matter how much time passes or how many other places you go or live in your life nor what reasons may compel you to live elsewhere, there is still nothing that does it for you quite like home. For me it was and perhaps always will be New York City. When I'm away and I see it in a movie or a magazine I feel a pulling in the area of my heart. Traveling is one thing. A glorious thing. But all the trappings and acoutrimont of a well lit established and stable home environment still fail to fill that void that exists inside us whenever we're away from our true home. Not sure what it is exactly that draws us so strongly and permanently to one particular locale in the world, but it's a palpable tug toward earth, a grounding stable reference point that calms and soothes and whispers to the soul.... "you're home..."

It's very difficult to explain. I am attempting to do something, usually something very intensive, just now I was helping a trucker move a very large and heavy suitcase out of the back of the cab and into this lavish island looking condo, perhaps his perhaps not. When I go to do the activity like this in this instance get out of the passengers seat of the truck and grab the large suitcase I cannot for the life of me see the entire spectrum of my usual line of site from left to right or from up and down. It is as if I am only seeing a small quarter of what I can usually only see. I feel paralyzed by this. I look left I look right I rub my eyes but still nothing. The trucker is talking to me. Trying to guide me thru maneuvering this giant heavy cargo out of the truck and down these big metal steps of the truck. I want to listen. I want to do well. I want to not mess up. I am thinking about swing Christmas cards this year. To the whole database. Everyone we know. But all that writing. God that's a lot. Thousands of cards. Maybe we can figure out a way to print out address labels and make it easier. Damn Christmas just passed didn't it. Should we do them late? I really cant see. I'm serious. This is no joke. I can seriously only see about 30% of what I usually can out of my eyes. I'm only seeing a small sliver of what's in front of me or to the sides. No peripheral vision at all. I'm not going to make it out of this cab with this suitcase and into that mans condo. Just can't see well enough. What the hell is going on? Why can't I see anything? Both eyes totally open. I'm literally staring at a suitcase with both eyes totally open and I can only see 30% of this damn suitcase. What is in my eyes blocking my vision?

This is when it occurs to me. This has happened before. Several times. Many times. I am dreaming. I must be asleep. This only happens when I am dreaming. This has never happened to me when I've been awake. It's some kind of a dream glitch. An inability to see fully panoramically or to see your self or your body or as much as we normally do when awake. We see half of things all the time. 1/3 of things of objects of ourselves of the works in front of us in front of our eyes.

I am instantly thrust into the condo itself. My mom is rushing around as usual raisin her voice about how important it is to get this done. A chubby black lady comes in and asks me if I need any help with things. I can't find that back door for the life of me. I'm supposed to let that trucker in thru there. Who is he again? How many places does he have? This makes no sense. Why does he live in so many places? And why here? Someone holds up a photo and yells to me across the room "oh I've heard about this. This is a picture of you when you were a baby. Your mother told me about it." she's going thru a box of old things it appears. There is a giant crowd of people walking slowly into the carport entrance way of this resort. They r all wearing raincoats dark ones and scarves over their heads. Using umbrellas. Going somewhere. Gathering together. For what? They're going to be in our way. Won't be able to move the truck. Can't remember.

I am now on the bed. Alistair is sleeping by my side. I remember. I can feel the heat and warmth of his body next to mine. I must be awake. I remember now. I just need to reach my phone. See what time it is. I wonder how long I slept. I'd I could get to a drink on my bedside table to wake up. But I still can't see. Only a sliver of the bed. I can see the red of the bedspread but not much else. This is odd. I am turning but I cannot see the damn table to reach my phone. I struggle for some time. No matter how I move my body I cannot see or reach the table right next to me. More struggle. Same as before in the truck. I must still be asleep. Wow. Intense.

Then I awaken for real. Seemingly. At least two different levels of dreams. Maybe three. There is something with either control full control and or sight that is either impossible fully when we are dreaming or signals that we are dreaming. I suspect the former. Somehow I have managed to jump to a deeper level of awareness where I expect full sight and mobility and become surprised when I cannot muster it. This then signals that I am dreaming. Interesting to note. Will need to have more memory of the exact phenomenon before i can conclude anything. Not much yet here except your site appears to be blocked as if blackness is in your eyes blocking a good chunk I your vision of things right in front of your face. Especially when attempting to see your whole body. Usually can only see bits and pieces of my body. Strange. More later.




- Posted by The Ambassador using BlogPress on an iPhone

Deliberate Dreaming Theory

Just woke up from a deep sleep in the middle of the night in the land of Pacific Standard Time. I was in the middle of a vivid dream which I can still see clearly (split infinitive intended), almost perfectly. It's an ability I have been working on for a long time. As long as I don't open my eyes I can almost always still see and recall whatever I was dreaming just before awaking and usually travel further back a few dreams into the past to recall and recite those as well. The key is to not open your eyes, and to keep your mind focused as much as possible on the dream and what you are still seeing and nothing else. It is a powerfully effective technique and gets easier with practice.

A few important details and caveats before the moral of the story: As my infinitely patient and saintly wife will attest, I have been actively studying and doing experiments on increasing both vivid and lucid dreaming for decades, along with exploring the various benefits and potentialities of these activities. It is a subject I have written about sincere occasion since the inception of these Diaries. It is one of the many obsessive compulsive idiosyncrasies she claims to have been entirely unprepared for and know nothing about before we got married. God bless the wives of the artistic and insane or both.

Together we have been collecting notebooks and digital audio tapes over the last four years filled with transcripts of nearly every dream I've had during countless nights and afternoons. I am big fan and proponent of the afternoon (or late morning) nap for a variety of reasons; it's numerous health and anti-aging benefits, its wondrous ability to maintain and increase mental acuity and emotional well being (there is still as of yet no more powerful and effortless human activity to partake in to help integrate everything the mind and feeling sensors take in each day than a short nap) and, as many will attest to, the amazing power and ease with which one can enter a state of vivid dreaming during napping.

For clarification there is a stark clinical difference between lucid and vivid dreaming though the terms are often misused interchangeably in modern pop cultural exchanges amongst friends, during casual conversation or in contemporary media. A vivid dream is one in which the dreamer can see hear taste smell or feel everything in the dream so clearly that they may believe it to be real and occasionally be able to remember numerous details about it once awake. Lucid dreaming is the ability to dream while still being slightly awake enough to be aware that one is dreaming. The theory being that the dreamer may be able to have more control over the events of the dream through having this semi-awake awareness. This theory though appealing rarely proves to be the case in practice, but I admit if one practices it enough over an extended period of time (and equally effective uses certain Avatar Course tools) it can become easier and easier to control in the moment of a lucid dream what we do, how we do it and what we experience. Flying is one area I have become very good at being able to control. More on that in another entry.

I first heard about lucid dream research through the study of Leonardo DaVinci, Albert Einstein and Nostradamus when I was very young and it stuck with me. I was fascinated by the legends of these great mens' elaborate schemes and efforts to gain secret knowledge and or prophetic visions through lucid dreaming by hooking bells to their hands connected by string so that whenever they fell asleep at their desk their hand which would be holding up their head would shift in place slightly thereby ringing the bell a little which would then wake them up and cause them to jot down everything they remembered from the dream they woke up from. Supposedly Nostradamus used this method throughout his life to enable him to foresee numerous events that were to transpire in the future.

(Again we are still caveating here): Like most people I have wasted hundreds of hours also studying the works of Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud in regards to their psycho-analytic theories of the phenomenon of human dreams and find almost all of it pedantic and of little worth. The same applies to the writings of the Native Americans and various other indigenous people's throughout history and to the works of history's most famed practitioners of what is known as witchcraft or High Magic. Interesting to be sure, but not much else.

One conclusion I've come to as of late is that for the most part human dreams are almost entirely useless except in a utilitarian way -- as a vehicle to gain a better understanding of our most basic current subconscious fears resistances hopes and aspirations. In other words dreams tell us what is most actively and present on our mind, what our primal beingness as expressed through consciousness believes to be most important in that moment. Or perhaps just more present. (this in no way implies that the subject matter or details ARE important. Most often they are not. It just happens to be what our conscious or subconscious (if one believes in this seemingly arbitrary academic exercise of splitting the mind into two parts (which i don't. At all)) BELIEVES is important.

Without concern for safety or about the criticism of others or even our own moral judgments, the mind is free to play and free associate to its heart's content and does so using whatever is closest to it, our most present or current reference points. This is a useful activity. But surely not as exciting or of the mythic proportion or import as the stuff one reads about regarding any alleged ability to astral travel or develop clairvoyant abilities through the dream state. God knows we try. But I must confess that after filling said countless notebooks with direct transcripts of thousands of dreams that have come from this radically overactive mind that this conclusion is the best and most plausible I've been able to come up with in regards to any helpful abilities one might develop from dreams or dreaming. We have taken notes of dreams where I have seen human female legs appear to grow mysteriously and miraculously out of the earth as if it were a flower to reveal a generic and apersonal spiraling vagina which I've then proceeded to have intercourse with for no other reason than primal urge. Twisted? Sure. Deep? Probably not. Psychologically useful? Unlikely. Just the mind having its way without judgment or default course correction.

I've heard it said that dreaming keeps us from going insane. I would agree with that idea. Through effortless non-thought based and judgment-free organizing cataloging classifying and categorizing millions of datum, dreaming helps the mind integrate what it takes in each day to prepare for another day of it. Any potentially clairvoyant experiences are few and far between and can most often be chalked up to coincidence or far reaching assumptions based on strong desire. Though I have experienced more psychic phenomena and telekinetic moments with others and or regarding world events through dreaming than I can relay in one sitting or recall without referring to notes, they are still infrequent and not the usual stuff of dreams for most. Another entry is needed to explore this other aspect of the dream state.

One can posit though that this one benefit of dreaming, a deeper understanding of one's innermost and current hopes fears longings and resistances is still a helpful one in its ramifications.

To get back to our story. A few minutes ago I was dreaming that I was in the process of solving a murder mystery involving Dwight Schrute the character played by Rainn Wilson in the American version of the TV show The Office in order to win some big music contest. These seemingly disconnected features when taken as a whole actually make sense, for i've just spent the last four weeks partaking in a mind numbing Office marathon watching way too many episodes in a row on a daily basis (dont ask) AND the last thing I did before falling asleep last night was watch a few minutes of the latest take on the perennial favorite Sherlock Holmes in CBS's new show Elementary, one of the few things on network or cable television that is actually good without being offensive in any way (another topic for a future entry). (Here one could argue that the UK's intense and understated Johnny Lee Miller has made a better recent Sherlock Holmes than Hollywood's pompous fop Robert Downey Jr. But they'd be risking countless hours of cat-fighting with thousands of rabid middle aged women across America with nothing better to do than defend the honor of their favorite come back bad boy of the month. I would conjecture it not worth the effort.)

So.... As soon as I awoke and recognized that my mind had fused my profession, music, with The Office and Elementary in a dream -- these aspects unrelated to me personally and yet in my dreaming state of consciousness it all made perfect matter of fact sense, I realized that I might be on to something. I have been working on a theory for the last few weeks. Based on an observation that ever since I started soaking my mind during waking hours with repeated viewings of numerous episodes of The Office that the characters from the show now regularly appear in my dreams on a daily basis. They show up as my friends, family members, bandmates, strangers in random interactions necessary for a scene to fulfill, pretty much anyone.

What are the potential ramifications of this I've been asking lately. My dreaming mind, that part of my consciousness that comes awake when dreaming, has absorbed these characters so thoroughly now that they have become a routine part of my day to day dream state. As if they are real. Of course to my mind when asleep and dreaming they are real. Just as real as anyone I know personally in my waking world when dreaming of them respectively. I don't think there has been one night in three weeks that i have not remembered dreaming of or with one or more of these fictional characters. We've all experience this with something. Perhaps a job project or excessive school work. But why? How? And what is its potential?

It would appear that when stimulated with or reminded of a certain subject matter repeatedly to the point of conscious level saturation that the subject matter then leaks into what is commonly referred to as the subconscious -- i.e. the dream state of consciousness so much so that we become unable to recognize a difference between how real this subject matter is to us in reality versus other things that are entirely real -- such as our mother wife brother friends etc.

The same paradigm may also apply to other things besides people. If for instance one wanted to absorb more fully the mastery of a certain subject such as wealth creation or feeding the hungry of earth then it follows that saturating the waking mind with sounds and images of these subjects -- such as through repeated viewing of films or listening to audio -- would lead to an eventual leaking of them into the subconscious in the same casual matter of fact kind of way that enables one to begin dreaming about them on a regular basis. Just as has happened with my mind's acceptance of these Office characters so readily and vividly.

Of course there isn't much I can do personally with being able to dream about Jim Pam and Michael every night. But if I were instead to begin dreaming about world transformation in a positive direction on a daily basis I would guess that the implication is that it just might lead to certain insights or ideas never thought of before, a secret trap door into knowledge that can only be accessed through the open vessel the mind becomes when dreaming. It only takes one. Of course our problem is never not having enough ideas, but instead it is usually not being disciplined enough to follow the ideas through to their most effective or powerful end result. And yet therein even is a seemingly taken for granted problem with the human machine that might have a solution waiting for it just on the other side of the waking-dreaming event horizon...

That in essence is the nature of the thought so far. Next step is to test it by deliberate saturation of the waking mind for a few weeks with something strongly desired re a subject for mastery or a desired goal or outcome. Another foreign language can always be useful. Consciousness exploration or cosmology are both topics that could always use more data, going broad. Plenty of universal mysteries still exist waiting to be solved. Success and wealth are interesting. Solving the problem of hunger on earth is also a biggie.

Will continue to experiment and take notes. Standby.

Posted by The Ambassador using blogpress for the iPhone

What Time Is It?

We are all "supposed to" set our clocks forward one hour tonight. Those of us in the U.S. (excepting Arizona) that is. So what time is it now? Well that's the funny thing about time. So arbitrary random imprecise and uncontrollable for humans still that we had to invent the mind boggling and inane leap year whereby every few years we add an extra day to the 365 day calendar. Those unfortunate souls unlucky enough to have been born on this extra day, traditionally February 29th in the United States, only get to celebrate their birthdays once every four years rather than once a year like everyone else. The other three years it's as if they were never born. No birthday to speak of, point to or wake up feeling special on. It simply doesn't exist for them and there's nothing they can do about it.

But that's time. There are numerous reasons pointed to in response to why Americans still partake in this archaic exercise of what is commonly referred to as Daylight Savings Time (DST for short if you've ever closely examined the detailed small print on most clocks watches and smart phones). Our understanding of time and the methods that govern how we deal with it revolve around the earth's rotation around the star at the center of our own solar system. Essentially time is all about the great and powerful Sun.

Of course this only applies to solar centered earthly societies. Some cultures around planet earth use both the sun and the moon to govern how they deal with and interact with time. The Chinese use a calendar based both on solar and lunar cycles. God only knows (that I'm too lazy to run a Google search to remind myself why and) what year it is in the Chinese calendar.

In most so called Western cultures including America the majority of people casually accept that we are currently in the year 2013. Of course that's total bullshit. An arbitrary number. Jewish people don't believe this or subscribe to it. The Chinese don't. Neither do most Muslim countries. They all have different years they are currently living in. Just ask. The more you learn the more you'll begin to recognize how utterly random and arbitrary this figure is. Truth is we don't live in any year. Not 2013. Not 4711 as the Chinese people think it is (I looked). Not even 1434 as Muslim people all over the world think it is. Nope. We have no idea what year it really is.

In the bigger picture we are in NO year on any calendar. They're all made up. So much so that we can't even agree what year it is amongst ourselves. The worst part about the Gregorian calendar, the system we follow in the West that supposedly tells us it's 2013, is that the maladroit pope who created it got the whole thing wrong way back when and ended up dating things four years off of what he was originally mandated to do. So depending on how accurate one wishes to be in regards to the actual year it is we're actually in either the year 2009 or 2017; but definitely not in 2013.

Most people don't seem to care much about this little known fact, let alone that even if right on accurate the year is still a man made figure with no logical basis for its existence in the universe or mass consciousness. The same is true of hourly time. Right now my phone says it's 12:49am. But as I look up from my phone all the clocks around me emphatically state that it's 1:49. That's because I've already set all of them one hour ahead so we don't wake up confuse and an hour behind the rest of the world.

Time zones of course make the keeping and monitoring of time even more confusing and impossible to believe in. Again the time zone paradigm was created because the time of day is different depending on where one happens to live and love on planet earth; it is based on where the light from the sun hits the earth and when it recedes or disappears. The sun doesn't leave most of the land mass we call Alaska for weeks at a time, making it daylight there for days and weeks straight. That pretty much wipes out any logical reason to have a sun centered system for time keeping there. But that doesn't stop Alaskans from pretending to know what time it is or what day it is.

In real time it is now 12:58 am where I sit. But in an hour or so we are told that we should set our clocks ahead by one hour. Because I am about to go to sleep and need to wake up at a certain time tomorrow for all intents and purposes it is really 1:58 am now.

But that's just me. If you're in Hawaii right now it's about five hours earlier than 1 or 2 am. Dinner time perhaps. If you're on the east coast it's already early morning. You've already set your clock ahead so it's 5 am and you might be waking up already on Sunday. I'm writing this on Saturday night. And there's no way you can convince me otherwise. Of course if you happen to be reading this in the UK or Paris, France it's 9 or 10 am Sunday morning. If in Iran it's already 1 o'clock in the afternoon. And to really shake things up let us remember that for those reading this in Australia or New Zealand it's 1am Monday morning. You've already lived through the Sunday I haven't even gone to bed to wake up to tomorrow yet. How was it? Sunday? Did anything crazy happen? Anything newsworthy?

Frankly I hope not. I think we've all had enough with crazy newsworthy days. It would be nice to fall asleep believing that tomorrow is going to be just a quiet peaceful day with nothing much to report on except maybe the weather.

After reviewing several different unrelated unfortunate situations or disappointing circumstances we've found ourselves in over the past year, some real messes, some major disappointments, we've discerned that almost every one had it's root in our assuming one outcome (what we'd prefer) would manifest without any guarantee of that predicted future happening only to discover soon after that it just didn't work out the way we planned. Though this can be a major bummer, and be quite discouraging, there's powerful learning in it. Just starting to stand up straight and tall again and wipe the dust off. Anyone who's lucky enough to be able to say I'm still here I'm alive and healthy has a shot at feeling tremendously happy grateful and blessed; and if we're smart enough and humble enough to learn from these lessons then we've still got a shot at achieving great things, grace and perhaps even a little slice of glory. The key is being honest enough to acknowledge where we went wrong and commit to not making the same mistakes twice. Life can be a drag sometimes. There's no getting around that. But over all it's all we know and it's an amazing gift, especially compared to the alternative.

One Battle Out of Many Abated

It's 3:30 am. Slightly more than the usual insomnia. [Note: One conflicting aspect of the Personal Expression Age in regards to social media is the tendency and temptation for us to head for the immediate gratification of posting to a public site such as Facebook or Tumblr rather than our own blog or website, which is obviously a more permanent, and financially lucrative, place to sit one's deepest innermost thoughts and feelings. It's a phenomenon that I've just recently been observing, having noticed that over the last four years -- since the advent of social media gone mainstream -- there is direct correlation between how little I post to these Diaries on a regular basis now, compared to the seven years prior, and how much more time I dedicate to being actively engaged on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Tumblr. This is something we should explore in more detail later....]

So rather than "writing" -- that sacred act once studied and revered of sitting down to participate in the art and craft of honing one's ideas with the written word into something potentially coherent, permanent and hopefully even beautiful and admired for all the world to see for an eternity, something that I'd made a daily habit out of for more than twenty-five years, I opted instead for the more ephemeral and much simpler and easier (though perhaps more immediately gratifying) act of a lazy status update on Facebook. This is a trend, perhaps even a habit now, that I fully intend to break in this new year. The point was a simple yet major one. A very recent and profound victory over and breakthrough in my battle with ADD.

[I do believe in sharing, that it's important to "share", which is one of the primary benefits of the Age of Personal Expression, this new loving embrace for public sharing.... but for artists a balance must still be found between the two: this temptation to share instantly through social media, and the more tasteful and permanent art of writing. One cannot suddenly abandon one's occupation of the art and craft of fine writing and letters and replace it with social media posts that are not only inherently temporary but also obligated by necessity to be limited in scope and depth just because it happens to be easier and more instantly gratifying. Unless of course they want to and choose to. That's their choice. I know many a fine writer who has drifted off into these uncharted shallow rocks never to be heard from again except in little blurps and bleeps on Facebook or Twitter, their wit and wisdom once preserved for the ages now reduced to mere one or two sentence anecdotes, sarcastic comments or the occasional angry rant. As a fan of fine writing I've found the trend to be saddening. ...

Nonetheless, last night at least, I caved once more. There is something very appealing about that instant read that one feels they receive when posting to a social network that now feels lost even when posting to a popular blog, which theoretically and realistically is just as public as any social network. The irony is that feeling is the same feeling we used to get when we first started posting here over ten years ago. There were no social networks. So the idea of posting one's innermost secrets online in general -- knowing that within minutes or hours others would be reading them, was completely enticing, exciting and exhilarating. Just as posting to a social network like Facebook is today. And with instant links and feeds from one's blog to every social network out there available, there really is no reason why we should feel so torn and tempted. Perhaps it's the instantaneous part of it that is so tempting. Or perhaps it's the more engaging aspect of it.... Depending on what one posts, one can literally almost guarantee themselves some kind of response if that's what they're after. Frankly my honest appraisal of this strange phenomenon is that it just comes down to pure laziness. Status updates on social networks are like blowing bubbles. Here now, gone tomorrow. Or like thoughts never revealed in our roaming mind... Here. Gone. What? So there exists no need to perfect them or hone them in. The growing trend in communication amongst ourselves as a society is to focus far less on how we say things and rather just on getting them out, regardless of merit, form or function. This may not necessarily be a good thing. Let's end this train of thought now and venture out toward the open sea where we originally were headed.]

Where were we? Insomnia. Yes. In case that wasn't already obvious. But perhaps this time of day or night is best for this type of post. For any other ADD/ADHD folk out there, I am happy and relieved to report that after decades of struggling, maddening frustration and trying everything out there and then some (including brain mapping and even low frequency electromagnetic brain zapping therapy) I believe we've finally found something that actually works. Lo and behold it turned out to be the oldest, most obvious and commonly used treatment. Just took a while to get the nerve to try it. Anyone else out there still challenged by it, just know that it is real, it's not in your imagination, you're not crazy, it is indeed physical /chemical /biological and not just "all in your mind" as many people try to get you to believe; AND better still there may be a chance there's a solution out there for you out of the many that are becoming available. Keep trying. Don't give up. Believe in yourself. There's light at the end of the tunnel. -Fishy

And thus was the post. Which yielded a string of inquiries as to just what treatment was I referring to specifically. It wasn't something I had planned on revealing publicly truth be told. But if the sharing aspect of the Personal Expression Age cannot be fully expressed and utilised as we originally predicted it would be to yield full-on democratic revolutions of entire nation-states then it really doesn't hold much value at all. So privacy be damned we must at least attempt to embrace this growing trend honestly openly enthusiastically and wholeheartedly. So I replied.

OK peeps, I wasn't going to actually mention what was working for me personally, because I think it's such a physically personal thing, dependent on each individual's own biology, that I don't necessarily think what works for one person is guaranteed to work for another. Plus, there is so much controversy regarding meds for this condition, especially certain ones. But for me, it was Ritalin. But only 5mg doses. What they call "a children's dose". Old school. It's only been a week, but the difference has been intensely noticeable. First recommended by doctors when I was diagnosed at 4, my parents absolutely refused to put me on it. And ever since I've tried every other med and therapy that exists in my refusal to try that one. What changed? A close family member, Beaver actually, I found out was going through the same exact search attempting to deal with the same symptoms. Granted he had never been diagnosed with ADD when we were children, but after relaying a series of symptoms to his doctor it was suggested that he take the standard ADHD written test and sure enough he scored something like an 87 out of 100 on it. Damn close to my 93. [Being an avid and proud skeptic, not only did I insist on taking the test several times in different versions, I also demanded that my wife and several other friends and family members take it as well to see if "everyone" would have the same score if given the same test. I was quite surprised to see that after taking the test on two different occasions, Princess Little Tree scored less than 10 both times. This strange fact helped verify for us that perhaps there was some validity to the test after all and it wasn't just an over generalisation trap where all who took it would appear to have this popular new dis-ease.]

After a year of trying everything under the sun Beav's doctor finally said "we could always go old school and try a children's dose of Ritalin." His desperate reply, "Well it can't be worse than all the other things we've tried... fine." After a few months of surprised success and regular use he suddenly remembered ME, thank you (what took you so long?), and realised "Holy crap I have to tell Fishy about this! He has this a lot worse than I do! I wonder if he's ever tried this one." I resisted at first, knowing all about it, what it is, what it does, knowing that like most other amphetimines it could make me pass out in ten minutes OR worse cause me massive anxiety...

(Though we've still not discovered the genetic abnormality nor even the chemical problem in the human brain of those with ADHD, one very strange characteristic of those who are challenged with it is that speed for lack of a better word, or stimulants of any kind, work in the reverse on them. Thus coffee or tea or diet pills or amphetamines of any kind will usually make someone with ADHD feel sleepy rather than wired. And sure enough any sort of downers such as barbiturates or tranquillisers will make an ADHD person feel more alert, talkative and motivated. I have personally suffered but also benefited from this weird reality since I can remember. If I drink a cup of tea I fall asleep. If I drink a cup of coffee I begin to yawn and feel tired. If i take a valium I feel like I just took speed. It's crazy weird. But after a few years of dealing with it, one starts getting the hang of how to use it to one's advantage or else I assume one would just off themselves. Because frankly it's a terribly confusing and frustrating way to live. If you've ever noticed this about yourself there's a good chance you've got either ADD or ADHD and it just hasn't been diagnosed yet. Now you know.)

Regardless of all this, I have still always resisted taking uppers of any kind. But Beaver sounded so encouraged and relieved from the agonising ADD symptoms he was experiencing that I just decided I had to try it. For the last few years especially, life has been more than challenging. It's been downright excruciating. I usually refrain from talking or writing about it publicly because number one it's extremely personal, and number two I don't wish to influence people in any way one way or another toward believing anything limiting about themselves. But yes if I was to be totally open and brutally honest with the world about this subject, I would admit that I took pain killers for years on a daily basis starting at the age of around 16 in order to manage my attention in order to just do the normal things in life that everyone else seems to have no problem with. This eventually led to a nearly fatal mental and physical breakdown in 2008 that was officially dubbed "exhaustion" to the public and I ended up in a rehab and then my parents' home to slowly detox and rebuild my health.

The only problem was that I was then faced with having to deal with living daily life with a severely screwed up brain and nervous system (that's in essence how ADHD feels) without pain killers, and as any doctor or patient will attest, nothing treats ADHD better than opiates. That particular combination of chemicals known as opioids just happens to work the best for people who struggle with the host of symptoms lodged under the ADHD mantle. Late 2008 early 2009 was the worst six months of my life. I was happy to not be always on the chase for pills, but the truth is that in this day and age with online pharmacies so prevalent it was never really a hassle finding or buying them. So it wasn't like I ever labeled myself an addict. And strangely enough neither did any of the doctors who began treating me. They instead said that I was one of those rare cases of someone who lucked into finding the exact drug that worked best for what they had and I was self medicating with it. It just happened to be illegal to self medicate your ADHD with pain killers. At least now it is. This I predict, and so do many professionals in the psychiatric industry, is going to change sooner than later. There is after all a reason why so many tens of millions of people reach for pain killers and once found find themselves more adept, more efficient, more functional and more productive with even small doses.

There are details to the story that should stay private. For now. Let us agree that it is challenging to wake up one day and realise that the rest of your life you are going to spend with your chest on fire with anxiety, that you can't focus your attention on anything for more than a second or two, that you are unable to finish anything that you start, that you feel a constant state of fear inside you that literally stings, so much so that you find it excruciating to do the simplest things like go out socially or even answer the phone, let alone have a job or take a shower, that you have a supernatural long term memory but you cannot remember why you entered a room or picked up your phone or a notebook, that you never know what day it is or what the date is, you don't know your age or anyone's age for that matter because there's "that thing with numbers...." Worst of all, you're always in pain. Life. Just. Seems. And feels. Unbearably painful. At least in the mind and body you are in. And God knows you've tried everything that exists or has ever existed on planet earth or anywhere else in the known universe to help or heal, but so far nothing has.

For me now it's been more than four years of regular visits to psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, naturopaths, chiropractors, specialists, healers, gurus, psychics, mediums, soul readers, you name it. If it exists we've tried it. All in our quest to "find out how to fix Fishy." Princess Little Tree often recounts how crazy, courageous and resilient I am all at the same time because I often appear more like a lab rat than a human in just the sheer amount of medications that have been shoved into my body over the last four years in our attempt to help find a solution. Doctors have been stymied but vigilant. And slowly we've found some even ground to rest on. Things have gotten increasingly better. Though I do long to help others, and I think most people would attest to agreeing with that statement, the exact combination of medications that they now use to treat my specific condition I would prefer to keep private except for what's already been mentioned. It's been a long and very hard road. Not just for me but for the entire family. I believe Princess Little Tree has probably suffered the most second only to me. She had no idea when we got engaged that it would be this difficult. Frankly neither did I. But that's the negative spin. The positive spin is that it appears at least this week that we've turned a new corner and won a major victory here.

After hearing from Beav regarding his success with Ritalin, I talked to my doctor in New York and he was like "Hey, you're talking about a very small nearly negligible dose there... It's less than what we would usually give children. And you usually fall asleep with medications like that. Or they exacerbate your anxiety. But at this point I don't know what else to do for you and I know you're struggling bad right now Fishy. I'm willing to try it if you are." So we did. Worry Fear Anxiety Nervousness all preceded that first morning about one week ago. "Here we go," my wife's and my own eyes said to one another as I took the first dose on the first morning, ready for the worst. What would it be this time? A freakout? A massive anxiety attack? I pass out for hours with her hovering over me checking to see if I'm still breathing? An emergency 911 call, paramedics gathered around my bed while I lay there with my hand on my chest gasping for air? All possibilities and former experiences since this adventure first began four years ago.

But instead I felt intensely focused, motivated, energised and in control of my attention for the first time since I used to use Vicodin for the same purpose. After a 30 year battle, including years of self-medicating with both natural and unnatural, legal and illegal substances, ingesting things, not ingesting things, fasting, cleansing, vegan, non-vegan, and every spiritual religious pseudo-spiritual new age practice or self help course ever invented for spies like us I finally know what it's like to actually feel focused and not totally freaking distracted and unable to control my mind for more than two seconds. I've worked harder and smarter in the last five days than I have in years. The caveat: Ritalin IS speed. There's no getting around that reality. There are side effects. Like last night's insomnia. (I took my second dose too late in the day.) AND you are going to encounter the usual cadre of well-meaning but ignorant know-it-alls who for some reason misperceive that you've solicited their advice as they recount how unhealthy it is and how easy it would be for you to go au natural etc.

But the real message of this ramble is this: Only YOU know YOU and what you've been through. And only YOU know what's worked for you and what hasn't. It's really nobody else's business. And if they are all up on your shit for feeling better, it's most likely they who need some healing of their own. God only knows you've already tried anything and everything they'll good-naturedly offer you. I moved the majority of this post to the Transcendence Diaries in order to add more details and finish this just for the sake of privacy. Today I have tried to share more openly than I ever have before regarding my own personal experiences with these things, for I know how frustrating it can be for others after years of struggling with it myself. What has worked for me may not necessarily work for someone else. But it just might. You never know till you try. For now, I'm quite surprised that we found something that seems to help. It's one battle out of many that we are currently facing for some reason slightly ameliorated for the time being. And that's a damn good thing.

Does America Really Want to Succeed Economically?

Someone posted a rant on Facebook today about "America's fascist corporations" and how they're greedily destroying the middle class and that by doing this they are destroying their only marketplace and are going to lose all these awesome potential consumers they need in order to exist... I found the short sighted nature of the comment sad. Passion is such a powerful and valuable force. But only when it is aimed at and used for the right causes and concerns. Not when it's just random bitching because you're broke and angry. And especially not when it's ignorant passion of the masses.

That concept -- of losing the great consumer middle class -- used to be a valid one and a real concern for big business, but pre-globalisation. Unfortunately now the United States is no longer the largest economy in the world, nor even the primary target market for the attention of many of the world's largest companies. Things have changed. The Pan-Asian Pacific and Chindia now hold that coveted spot. Apple for example, an American company, claims to make more money from China than any other country, including their homebase, the U.S.

Worse, the majority of their products are made in China, hence God only knows how many people they employee in other countries besides the United States. AND they are NOT required to pay any corporate income taxes on the income they earn in countries other than the US. They can exist here. House their HQ here. Enjoy the glitz and glam, press and prestige, and freedom and liberty of being a "United States company", but their focus isn't on the American market anymore.

If our concern is truly to boost the American economy -- as opposed to just ranting against "fascist corporations" (of which I and many others I know happen to own a few of) -- we need to start INNOVATING again, educating and training better; not just better, but INTENSELY, COMPETITIVELY. Most importantly we need to make the business environment here more friendly, as so many other countries are actively doing -- both to boost our economy in order to increase available money to be spent (imagine the US becoming a primary target market again...) AND to make our citizens not only viable employees but INDISPENSABLE employees that no company can go without.

Until then we will continue this downward economic trend into mediocrity, with angry poor people complaining that it's the "big fascist corporations' fault". Can't blame business for being business. THAT's what made America great and rich and powerful and prosperous in the first place way back when. No one was complaining back when we were kicking butt. Let's do it again. I believe we can. But we need to decide if that's what we really want. In the current political and social climate we are in today, I am not so sure.

Today I reviewed the incoming Obama corporate tax rates and dividend tax rates and capital gains rates AND the increases he wants to add, and frankly if Americans accept these new rates it deserves to fail economically. The incoming and proposed rates are so damn anti-business that it's almost as if the current administration WANTS the country to fail economically. If we're going to start getting real we need to accept that this is a world market now. A GLOBAL economy and global business market. Anyone who wants to succeed -- especially nations, states, countries, whatever you want to call them -- needs to compete fiercely and fearlessly, tooth and nail. They need to claw their way to the top.

Things aren't going to change all of a sudden with the wave of a magic wand. We need to compete. We need to bring corporate taxes DOWN to encourage big companies to do more business HERE. We need to encourage wealthy people to keep their money here and spend their money here and invest their money here. Not in China, or India, or Dubai, or anywhere else. Between the peoples' obsession with maintaining the status quo with entitlement spending and defense spending, and earmarks and other pork, and with the national debt now hitting the GDP (which is one of the most frightening aspects of the current state we are in) and so many people's casual attitude toward it, and now with all these rates increasing, not to mention a growing trend in unfriendly business regulations on the rise, I am sincerely concerned for our welfare over the next two to four years and even well into the future.

More later, so much more.. Especially regarding the unprecedented power that these two behemoth corporations that call themselves political parties, namely the Democratic and Republican, have over all of the above... THAT seems to be the main block in the artery of our economic health.

Bummed

[Bummer Warning] Talking with The Poet... Texting actually. I never talk on the phone truth be told. Which is fine it seems because no one else i know does either. We were discussing our recent ASCAP royalty checks. Fucked up and low-balled as usual. Music is the greatest art form in the world to be a part of but it's the worst f*^king business. I love making music more than anything else i can think of. Nothing gives me more pure unadulterated joy than the simple act of making music, whether alone w just a guitar or piano, or with the band; whether writing and recording new songs and albums, or performing live. There's nothing like it. But financially it's a nearly thankless career choice.

We made more $ last year than any other year in the last 25 years of our career and it's still not enough to make a decent living. Added all up it seems like a large amount. But considering how hard you work and how much money you spend it's just peanuts compared to so many other careers. Not much else to say. Just bummed. Has to be a better way than this. How much longer can or will Princess Little Tree hang on under these circumstances? I know she had no idea it would be this hard. Frankly neither did I. You would think by now... After all the... But it's just seems to be an all or nothing kind of business. You're either making big bank or barely getting by, and nothing really in between. Bummed.

- Posted by The Ambassador using blogpress on an iPhone

God Conscious or Mere Energetic?

The question is, if one accepts the premise of the existence of a divine force in the universe, does "God" have the capacity to possess intentions, or even understand them..., or is HeSheIt just a powerful force that happened to have been the impetus for creation And continues to be? It occurred to me a few hours ago while in the middle of a few seconds of prayer. What if what we call God, what we innately and internally feel as God, is not as much a rational thinking source of intelligence capable of granting favors based on people's prayers and intentions as much as it is just a force or energy source that one can harness towards the achievement of said prayers or intentions...?

Many people are raised with an assumption that not only a God exists but that God is capable of hearing -- and sometimes even psychically knowing -- our innermost desires through our prayers. I must confess that at one point a few months back I had this thought that occurred to me that I should start praying out loud so that God and angels could actually hear me; it just occurred to me in the moment that with all the psychic noise being generated around the universe through potentially billions of sentient beings all praying at the same time that one would have a better of chance of being heard. And besides, what if God isn't even capable of hearing our thoughts? But only what we speak out loud? I mean where and when do we get this idea that God can just hear us if we pray silently in our minds? I figured either way it can't hurt.

Then this morning while engaged in a few moments of quiet prayer this thought came to mind: what if God is less a conscious favor giver than more of a force that we can harness. We already know through countless academic and scientific studies that prayer has proven to be effective in helping us achieve certain goals or intentions. Reports of miracle healings and the like are numerous. But what if the real mechanism at play is not so much that some intelligent being in another dimension is listening to every prayer that people are uttering in every moment and choosing which ones to honor or not, but rather that there's this energy force somewhere out there -- perhaps even in plain sight, like the Higgs Field for example -- that we latch onto through focusing our consciousness on a particular goal or intention.

As comforting as it feels to imagine a conscious kind and loving GodForce whose sole mission in life is to honor our every whim and prayer because HeSheIt has so much love for us, this second theory would make more sense in lieu of all we've learned over the last few years regarding conscious creation through vibration and or vibrational energy, something that is gaining more and more credence and scientific evidence in recent years specifically in the arena of particle physics.

Something to think about. Plenty of implications to still explore...

The Moment Fishy Became a Writer...

Heard a more than decent song this evening during the ending credits roll of an old TV show I am currently having a mild obsession with, a little something called The Riches starring Minnie Driver and Eddie Izzard. Yes you read that right. Turns out the pair teamed for a one hour drama for the FX network back in '06 to '08. Though it only ran 10 episodes per season and only lasted for a season and a half. Seek it out if you're a fan of either actor. They're both better great at what they do in it. Minnie really shines. That's a different story though.

The song started off with the lyrics "the fox... the fox..." I liked it immediately. Wanted to know who sang it. Sitting right there while the credits rolled, I picked up my phone (at this point it doesn't even matter what phone we use. They all do the same thing give or take...) and Googled "Who sings the song with lyrics the fox ... The Riches..." Within less than a minute I discovered the song was by the band Nada Surf, one of the few acts on planet earth I've never explored, let alone purchased an album by. With this new found information I then headed to YouTube and ran a search for the song. At least five uploads were available, whether I wanted to hear the original or the band performing it live in concert, there it was. I selected the one that seemed to appear the "most legit" and clicked play, placed my phone in my shirt pocket and went about my business of locking up the house for the evening -- all the while this fresh new great song accompanying my every move, the music emanating clearly and cleanly from somewhere within the confines of my clothing. Like a walking jukebox.

When it was over, I hit play again to grab another listen. I also added it to my Favorites Playlist, which not only acts as my own personal music collection now, say goodbye to needing iTunes, but also alerts roughly fifteen-thousand of my closest friends on Facebook and Twitter about the song's awesomeness and a link where it can easily be found. For free. And again it hit me. Walking around the house to turn off all the lights, the music still blaring out of my pocket, I casually asked my beautiful wife, "Babe we just heard that song on a TV show and had no idea who it was. How long did it take me to find that out?"

"A minute... Less than a minute" she replied as she let Alistair out for the night.

"Exactly. And how long did it take me to find it so we could listen to it?"

"Another minute...."

"And how much did it cost us?"

"Zero," said she, letting said dog back in the house.

"Yep. The business has changed, changed forever. For better or worse the glory days as we used to know them are truly over for us in this business."

"You keep saying that honey. What are you going to do about it?"

"Less than five minutes after hearing a song we like on TV and we're listening to it. And we're not paying a dime for it. I know I keep saying it lately. I just can't fully believe it..."

"Maybe you don't want to believe it..."

"Maybe... I hadn't thought about it like that... But if 2012 was about anything, it was all about my denial of how quickly the music business has changed... and how nearly every single one of our income streams has dried up in the last few years. I mean, we worked harder in the last two years at making it than I ever have in my entire life..."
She smiled at me and patted my chest, implying I just might be overstating things a bit.

"Okay perhaps I'm exaggerating... the truth is I've been working like this non-stop for the last twenty years is more like it... But we REALLY kicked into high gear this year, and we achieved incredible things! Bigger and better and faster and more than at any other time in my career. And yeah we made great money from it... But it's not enough. And no wonder. Look how different things are. It's one thing reading about these changes in Billboard every week. It's another thing to actually see myself doing it... participating in the exact activities that are tearing apart the whole freaking system."

"Well it's become real to you now. You've switched roles with the audience and now you are seeing things how they see things."

"Exactly. And it freaking SUCKS. I don't want to be doing this. Listen to this!" I exclaimed pointing to the music playing in my pocket. This is insane. These guys aren't going to to get a fucking dime from my standing here listening to their music. And that sucks for them. And their label. And the producer if he's getting points on the record. It's all so wrong..."

"Well you could always stop doing it. But you won't. No one will. Like you said, the business has changed... So have you as a music fan, just like everybody else. You want it now and if you don't have to pay for it you won't argue with anyone about it."

"Yes. Exactly. That's the thing. See? I don't MIND paying for music. God knows. How many songs or albums do I buy each month?"

"More than you should. More than we can afford. Especially if you're only going to listen to the song a few times and never listen to it again. Which is what you usually do when you find a song you like. You'll probably never go seek out this song again to listen to it now that you've heard it a few times. That's why people don't want to buy music anymore. It's not rocket science."

"That IS the flipping point, isn't it? The only difference between now and before is that unless a person wanted to sit around and make mix tapes or burn CDs from their friends, which was a royal pain in the ass, people were forced into buying music if we liked it. Now we don't have to. And that's that."

"Honey I'm tired..."

"I know. Me too. What I'm trying to say is that this my love is why I need to start writing," I said, giving her a hug before she went upstairs to prepare for bed. "More than ever before I now understand that it's time for me to seriously become that rockstar turned writer we keep talking about."

"You already seriously are that rockstar turned writer we keep talking about Baby Joon," she said, her eyes drooping but still looking into mine. "You just need to finish one of the ten thousand books you have started. No amount of writing in the world, no matter how good it is, is going to help us if you never release any of it."

"I know honey. I get it. I more than get it. It just keeps hitting me in different ways all of a sudden. I mean here again tonight it just really hit me. I need to shift gears fast and start actively focusing on the writing. Like a job."

"No different than you already do babe. You already ARE a writer. You write more than most writers. AND you can still do your music. But what I don't like is we keep talking about it and not doing anything about it. I think you're afraid that it's going to affect your music career. But I don't think it will. If anything it will help...."

"Yeah I get that too actually.... you know what it is babe? I always saw me becoming "the writer" later... Like after the rockstar thing was over... you know, when I was older and married and had kids and all that. more like a retirement thing..."

"Honey you are older. I hate to tell you. And you're already a writer... What are you waiting for?"

"Nothing I guess. I already told you my plan. The first book, When I Was Twenty-One will be completed and released by the end of January. For sure. And while we continue to work on the We Are the Revolution book, I can easily get the Casanova Diaries finished. That one's already done. I just need to edit it. It'll be easy. I can do this honey."

"I have no doubt you can do it. I just want to see you START. And I'm not talking about making your little notes all over scraps of paper that just pile up all over the house... You have to approach it like any other job. The same way you approach your music when you want to get a new album recorded. You've got to actually sit and work at it till you finish. And you can still make time for your music. What do you do all day anyway?"

"Write or work on music...." I smiled. "I know, I know. I know what to do. You want to know what my biggest fear is?... Okay, two biggest fears actually..."

"One, what if I am not meant to stop music right now? What if now is not that time?"

"We aren't talking about you quitting music honey. We're talking about you working on only one book at a time instead of twenty and releasing them. And continuing to work at your regular job too. Just stop working on so many things at once and focus on one book and get it out."

"And what if people don't buy it? I mean what if people don't buy me as a writer? What if I'm fooling myself?"

"Well you're never going to know until you try honey. Talking to me about it isn't going to get you there..."

"I know. It's the new year. Plan B is working incredibly so far. You know I haven't missed one day of studying Farsi in three weeks? You hear how good I'm getting?"

"Honey! I was going to tell you that when I came in this morning. I was laughing so hard! You have to be careful with some of the words you are learning. Some of them aren't polite if you mispronounce them. This morning you were saying a bad word instead of "bowl" but I didn't want to interrupt you..."

"No. Babe don't do that! If you hear me pronouncing a word wrong, tell me. You know how hard it is to try to learn this freaking language? There's no english alphabet. I have to stare at the pictures of objects and just keep hitting repeat over and over trying to learn and memorize it like that because I can't read the freaking letters... It's like music."

"Well you're good at it. You're great at it. You're doing it honey. I am really impressed."

"I am getting good huh?"

"Yes my love. I'm proud of you. You have no idea how much it warms my heart seeing you practice so hard everyday.... Thank you honey."

"No thank you for being so patient. I told you I would learn your native language. It just took me a lot longer than I thought. But it's working out now with my new plan. I'm actually doing it."

"So now just apply your plan B to your writing. Schedule a time of day you're going to do it and do it. You're good at that."

"I think I'm actually horrible at it."

"Not really. Not compared to everyone else. When you set your mind to something you go after it more than anyone I've ever seen. You know this. We've talked about it. You're going to be teaching me Farsi soon! You just need to approach completing the books the same way you're doing with learning Farsi or your music..."

"I know. I will. I am. I don't have a choice at this point. I know it. I have to..."

"Honey I'm going to go upstairs now. Can you make sure all the doors are locked? I'll see you upstairs."

"Okay. Yeah...."

For the next hour it's all I thought about. While getting ready for bed. I made over $9,000 from my music in the first quarter of this year. Just from radio airplay. It was a good year. But it cost three times that to get a song high enough in the charts to where you're making that kind of money. That's the catch 22 of the whole damn thing. This is nothing compared to five years ago. Because sales are now almost entirely out of the picture.

But the thing I keep thinking about is all these new indie bands that come out every month. They get a hit song in a movie or a TV show and then Bam! THEY do get sales. So sales haven't dried up completely. Not for everyone. Frankly I think the conversation should be more about what leads to sales than how they've dried up. Because they've clearly not dried up for everyone. And sure I may not be buying as much music as I used to, but I'm still buying a ton of it. And so are others obviously. That's really the key to it... How to stay in that top bracket of the rare few who actually still sell a ton of songs or albums... Second quarter pay outs are going to come any week. And they should be even bigger than first quarter. Thank God. But it's the sales we are after. How to compel people to not just want to go on YouTube or Pandora and listen for free or play the songs on the radio...

Don't get me wrong. There is NOTHING like having a hit song on the radio or in Billboard. But there is a very broadly drawn and large line in the sand between those who actually sell music and those who don't. And that's where we are waning now that the industry has changed. And I refuse to believe that it's because we aren't good enough. I went down the path a hundred times over the last twenty years. Until I finally realized through just sheer quantity and quality of fan feedback that it's bullshit. It's an excuse we tell ourselves because we don't know what the hell we're doing wrong. So we start questioning the merit of what we do, regardless of how much we like it or think it's great.

Frankly I think the missing piece, the thing we're doing wrong, is not touring regularly. Not that any of the Top 40 artists tour very often. Most of them are singles oriented. They DON'T tour. They do these big shows here and there. Morning TV, late night, festivals. We're getting close to being able to do that now. But we're not there yet. We need one more big hit. The other thing is that we're a band. We're not a Top 40 artist. And bands notoriously tour their asses off. So that's something else to think about. What's the resistance? Okay well we know what the resistance is... We don't have enough money to tour or better put we don't make enough money from touring to support a real tour. At least not yet.

But what if while I'm taking the time to finish writing one of these books in order to get more money coming in, we continue to work on the album, promoting and marketing, and if there's a God in heaven or a sliver of luck anywhere near me with this, something will pop that will lead us into an opportunity to tour as we used to. It only takes one. We already know that from past experience, time and time again. What I'm hearing is that I'm just being impatient. Spoiled by how things used to be. The new album has only been out for less two months. There's plenty of time for it to continue to rise in the charts AND for a song or two or three to get picked up for something that can lead to enough money to support a tour. And demand one. That's the other thing. The demand... It ain't easy. There's no way around that. But it's fun. Hell, I don't even believe it's fun any more. It's more scary than fun. But it's my life. That, really, in the end, is what it's all about.

Okay, so that's what we're going to do. Here it is 2:44 am and I'm writing in the Diaries. So maybe that's something that needs to change. The Diaries are free. Like the music now is. (insert loud laugh here!) We need to turn our attention and the writing towards other things that are NOT free. Other vehicles. We'll see. This isn't going to work. There's no way I'm going to be able to maintain the Diaries AND make music full time AND finish a few books. It's impossible. Unless I start writing super short blog posts. Which actually might not be such a bad idea. And with that, let us end. Tomorrow we apply Plan B to the writing too. We will add it to the schedule. And we'll play it by ear with what happens to the Diaries... Until then.

Learning Farsi

Farsi study time. Everyday now since about two weeks ago for at least an hour I've been diligently pursuing mastery over this damn language. With an alphabet that looks as beautiful as the world's finest art, it is hard to fathom, ironically, just how utterly displeasing the sound of the Farsi language is. Worse yet, it is as displeasing to the mouth and tongue to speak as it is to listen to. It's truly unlike any other language I have endeavored to learn. Not only is it extremely difficult to speak physically, in terms of forming the words properly -- plenty of glottel stops and gutteral formations in the mouth and back of the throat, but it's also completely grammatically confusing. More on that later. 

We're at the deep in point now and I have to note: attempting to learn a foreign language withOUT learning to read and write it's alphabet may just be impossible. (UnLESS u just immerse yourself in that country for six months and r forced to that is.) Other than that this is getting harder by the day but I trudge onwards.
I make occasional updates to social media regarding this new endeavor. Freinds have offered a variety of potential solutions to this quandary. Everything from alternate language programs to memory improvement courses. Rosetta Stone is the best program for learning a foreign language out there second only to formal classes IMO. It's just the first time I've attempted to master one with a totally different alphabet. And because I'm NOT in a class (as I've been in the prior four I've learned) and perhaps due to some slight laziness and fear on my part I am focusing on just speaking rather than reading. A side advantage of doing it this way is that you r forced to hone your listening and memory skills razor sharp. Because you can't read the letters right in front of you -- as one would with french or spanish for example. That's a plus for the old brain for sure. But at this point where I've "milestoned" into Unit 2 and the sentences I'm learning are becoming longer and longer it is obviously becoming increasingly difficult to do it all by ear without being able to read even one letter that's staring me in the face. Of course it would be the same if I were learning Japanese like James or Russian or any others... (I think u already know I took the easy road to start and learned all the "regular alphabet" languages first way back when (except Romanian -- the secret-closet stepchild of the 5 romance languages, because I just feel no desire to learn it). But I've run out of those now. So... all that's left are "different alphabet" languages for me.

As I'm writing all this to you (pardon it's length) I'm just realizing that I'm really cutting myself short by having chosen this method. I can feel the limiting belief operating :: learning that alphabet is going to be too flipping hard! I'm going to seriously consider discreating this idea and perhaps go back to square one and take on learning to read and write. Sheesh these r just beliefs. Why struggle if you don't have to right?

And I'll tell you -- on another note -- two other things that have occurred to me, 1, connecting with others through social media like Facebook about what's really going on as opposed to just jokes and links and pix an bs can be very helpful to us in a variety of different areas of our lives. You guys here have taught me plenty and inspired me. And 2, staying in touch w fellow Avatars has a similar effect on us but just amplified by a google. We create a no bs allowed zone so to speak. Because you and Dan and Annie r in this loop it's forced me to really look at what's going on. Not just w this but you know, all around I think it's very helpful and beneficial to us all to be connected potentially on a daily basis.