This is a record of the times. the great city of San Francisco is opening up its pearly gates for gay marriages. People are flooding in to get married from all over America. Happening for days now. hundreds a day. its about time. I hope this is just the beginning for them here. we have a real shot of setting a good example to the rest of the world with the gay marriage issue.

Last screening: requiem for a dream. This is the most disturbing film I have ever seen. Made me feel like I was on speed the whole time. Along with happiness which is truly horrifying.... But what a great film it is nonetheless. shocking. Will stay with me for a long time.

Went to the ENT doctor today to test my hearing and check the old vocal cords. The hearing test was fun. they play all these very faint and brief tones for you to see if you can hear them. it was rather primitive from an objective perspective. But I heard every single one and the nurse just stood there speechless. The doctor relayed to me giddily that I had the hearing of a seven year old child who had never been subjected to any loud noises. He said he had not seen anyone ever come in with such perfect hearing. He was absolutely amazed because of the extreme loud music that I have been listening to over the last ten years. I can only imagine what your hearing would be like if you had not been subjecting yourself to such loud music for all these years...” he commented. I was very happy and we were high fiving.

Then we moved on to the vocal cords. He shoots this spray down your throat and then sticks this long thin fiber optic cord into your nose and then through the nose down into the throat and then past the throat in order to look at the vocal cords. It is not comfortable. I kept gagging. Then he had me sing some notes as he watched and I gagged... but to our astonishment my cords were in perfect order. No polyps, no nodes, no swelling.

“I hate to tell you this young man, but you have absolutely nothing wrong with your vocal cords. In fact for what you do they are in amazing condition. Just perfect.”
“well then how come they close up on me sometimes.”
“You probably scream too much. And you probably don't warm up like you are supposed to.”
“Well that's true.”
“Imagine a professional athlete going out to play a game without practicing all week and warming up that day, and stretching before the game. You just can’t do it. even though you want to. its not going to work. You need to warm up.”

Gave a ton of interviews today with newspapers. You repeat yourself over and over again. always trying to add something slightly fresh to everyone and trying to honor their questions as much as the previous. Everyone always asks when will we be playing their town. its such a catch 22. every major booking agency won't take you on unless you are signed to a major record label and every major record label doesn’t want to take you on unless you are touring through a major booking agent. And this is even if you have great reviews, in the press a lot, selling a lot of albums, etc. say what you will about indie but I'm sick of it. I think its hard as hell. And if being an indie artist in this deflated industry isn't bad enough, try being an indie artist on tour. no, there has to be a better way. again, I notice, everyone has their opinion. But the truth is, get a hit on the radio, or draw huge crowds to your shows, or find some other way to sell millions of albums. But that's it in a nutshell.

Last screening: Barry Lyndon, 1975 Stanley Kubrick classic. Like all of his films very slow and boring but somehow still manageably appealing. The Barry Lyndon movie was wonderful. It has stayed with me. I think perhaps the cinematography is the best I have ever seen. It did win every cinematography award it could upon its release.

Current Read: why Christianity must change or die by Bishop John Spong. And continuing with the French history.

Dear Infinito:


I’ll send you a fax with the password, go to Brickel retrieve the password by renting a computer at Kinko’s and you’ll find the encryption to the FTP, then rent a satellite phone and wait for the coordinates to go pickup the key for the locker in the airport where you’ll find an envelope with instructions on how to break into the code with your cell phone. Stand in the palmetto at 8:45 pm tonight and count the last digit of each Chevy nova’s license plate, then multiply by 8277763 and you’ll get the password. 


Sincerely,
G2
 

This business is like a roller coaster. It is constantly up and down back and forth. Wake up to a call from an attorney out in Calli who said he just didn't hear a single in the new CD and therefore cannot recommend to his clients, XXXX, to sign the band. [if this guy can’t hear singles in veronica, superhero girl, Minnie driver, or guilty, then what the hell is he doing in the business...] Get to the office to find a faxed management contract from a large company up in Indiana who swears that sleep with you is the best album they’ve heard in a year and they want to sign the band for three years. log online to find a magazine reviewing the CD and saying it was by far the worst CD of 2003. take a call from a booking agency out in AZ who says that he can’t take the CD out of his car stereo because he loves it so much, wants to book the band on a national tour. receive an email from Vida that says that such and such at xxx can’t sign the band because the lead singer is too old... but he loves the stuff and looks forward to our next CD. too much up and down... everyday. Compared to doing other things. I guess you just have to believe in it yourself and not even listen to everyone else.

Conversations

jimmorrison says:
pardon me
G2 says:
whatever
G2 says:
jimmorrison?
jimmorrison says:
si
jimmorrison says:
fishy is dead
jimmorrison says:
i have taken over his body
G2 says:
dude i got a vision
jimmorrison says:
i was tired of lying around
G2 says:
you and i are millionaires after we publish GOD IS A WOMAN
jimmorrison says:
escachame un minuto por favor
G2 says:
we have more than we can spend
G2 says:
we are wealthy
jimmorrison says:
i like the vision
G2 says:
imagine how many copies wed sell
G2 says:
dude let's do it
jimmorrison says:
ok what is your idea for god is a woman
GOD is a woman says:
Ok i hear you
GOD is a woman says:
we write a small book, like whO TOOK MY CHEESE
GOD is a woman says:
who took my cheese
GOD is a woman says:
did you read it?
GOD is a woman says:
it's a 50 page book
jimmorrison says:
no
GOD is a woman says:
but everyone would buy GOD IS A WOMAN
jimmorrison says:
but everyone already knows it
GOD is a woman says:
on why we believe she is a woman
GOD is a woman says:
evryone would think about it
GOD is a woman says:
I design the cover and proofread it
GOD is a woman says:
you write it

The ambassador is back! I can feel it all around me. there is magic in the air.

The Mel Gibson passion of Christ fiasco has me fuming. I cannot watch anything about it. it is difficult for men of truth to live on the earth in these days. it always has been. but perhaps today I would guess that it is probably easier than at any other time in our history. So lucky for us to be alive now. as zeke said a few weeks ago, ‘Christianity... it was the biggest scam perpetrated by man in the history of the world....”

When that interviewer lady asked me today why I was so vehement about the movie, I explained to her that its not like I'm anti-religion or anything. I'm certainly not against Mel Gibson. Braveheart? Hello? One of the best movies ever. I mean, I'm not some one-world-UN-no-religion type of new world order person. I love freedom of religion. I've been religious on and off throughout my life. and I'm glad that we have that opportunity. But at least with braveheart here's a guy William Wallace who set out to do something, and sacrificed his life for it and he did it. I mean he fought his whole life for the freedom of Scotland, and because of that soon after Scotland was free.

Whereas with the whole Jesus thing, here was the man who was supposed to be the messiah for his people. Israel. And he just couldn’t make it happen. he rocked the boat for a few years, ruffled a lot of feathers, so much so that after a few years, even the Jewish people who were really hoping that he was the chosen one started realizing he wasn't and so for them they had to make a choice. Either one, he starts saving them like he said he was going to and like the prophecies predicted that their messiah would. Well he couldn’t do that. or two he leave town for a while because he was literally endangering the lives of all of them with all the trouble he was causing, or three, they get rid of him. so according to the legends, they got rid of him. so even when we take the myths at face value, just follow the story as most people like to believe it to be, it really doesn’t work out too well. Because he didn't accomplish what he was prophesied to accomplish as the messiah or even as a decent revolutionary.

[now contrast that with Mohamed for a moment, the prophet of the Muslim religion. He on the other hand not only accomplished what he set out to—to unite and free his people, he accomplished much more. by the time they were done most of the middle east, Asia and half of Europe was under their control. He not only freed his people, this God of Allah that they obsessed on, he gave them half the fucking civilized world. The king of the Jews on the other hand gave the Jews nothing. Just more pain and anxiety. They weren't freed. I wish people were brave enough and honest enough to face facts. He just never pulled it off. That's why the Jewish people never embraced him as the messiah and that's why they are still waiting for the messiah to come to earth...] 

But that's if you want to take the stories at face value...so that’s not even the worst part of the whole mess. The worst part is that a lot of the stories that are associated with modern day Christianity are just that, stories. And for the last twenty years or so more and more historians and even Christian theologians and priests are coming out and talking about it. Writing books about it. the catholic priest Matthew fox was a great revolutionary author who did his best to try to dispel some of the roman empire’s crazy Jesus myths so we could really get to the heart of the real story. Another man, the Bishop John Spong out of New Jersey has written some excellent books about it. now I am reading his “why Christianity must change or die.” An amazing book. Very brave. And there have been hundreds of books coming out now from historians explaining the facts as they more realistically probably transpired rather than the fairy tales that we are used to hearing in Sunday school and like Mel Gibson is perpetrating in his newest bloodbath.

Its not that I am against another Jesus movie. Its just that I don't like this fake controversy over something that isn't controversial. Mel Gibson is trying to create controversy to sell movie tickets. The real controversy is why has he made another story of Jesus filled with the same lies and half truths that we have had to endure since the roman empire first stole Jesus from the Jews and slowly started to twist the facts for their own devices. I wish someone would have enough balls to come out with a more realistic Jesus movie. Telling like it is as we now know it and understand it. Now that would be fucking controversial. 

Things Just Happen - What I've Learned

I can write. That is one thing I can do. God its been a long time. I have learned a lot. I can write about what I have learned. I have thought about it now for a few days. What have I learned? I have learned that things happen. Things just happen. 

One minute Bas and I had cars. This morning his car breaks down. It gets towed to a shop. He has no car. Two hours later, my car gets towed for 12 unpaid parking tickets. Wow. That is unbelievable. “12 unpaid parking tickets? Are you serious?” “Yes. We have a court order to tow your vehicle. You will have to pay these tickets.” “Wow. What a drag. I'd love to say thanks, but you just totally ruined my day.” “Sorry guy...” You wake up one day and all of a sudden both of us don't have cars. Just bam! Out of the blue like that. Things do happen. People lose their parents or their children. Just bam out of the blue. People wake up one day and they have cancer or heart disease. Or they get fired. Or they find out that their husband or their wife is cheating on them. People wake up one day and find out their child has been shot at school. This happened three times in one week to three different children at three different schools here in Florida. And this was last week alone. And then there's that girl they found dead in Sarasota. Things like this happen. You wake up one day and you discover that your daughter has been raped kidnapped and murdered. All in one day. How do you deal with that? Bill Cosby lost his son to some random sniper on the highway in LA. Arnold Schwarzenegger became a governor of one of our states. A female surfer got attacked by a shark who bit off her arm. Things happen. That man who was saving his wife in a freezer for years after she died, hoping he could find a way to bring her back to life. This is life. it is crazy. it is only our deep seated need to make it not crazy in our brains that makes us believe, somehow, that it is not crazy. but it is. it is all around us. all the time. But good things happen too. People win the lottery. People get raises. They get promotions. People win Grammy awards. They win Primaries. They get married. People have babies. Things are happening all around us. All the time. This is something I have learned.

What else have I learned? It has been some time since I have been in the world of the common man. Many many years. Many years since I had even thought about it. or heard about it. But I am glad that I am having a chance to experience it again. I am learning a lot. Today I got to see a bit of it. First we had to go to the bank to get cash. And then to the courthouse to pay all these tickets. And then to this tow place to get the car. I got to see the world of the common man for a few hours. For the last few months I have been seeing it more and more, even since the change. Ever since I decided to.... I have been forced to live, not entirely, but close to the edge of the world of the common man. And I will report from the front lines that it is not pretty. It is not glamorous. It is not beautiful. it is not artistic. It does not love. There is very little beauty in the world of the common man. There is very little luxury. There is very little freedom. There is very little kindness to one another. It is fun. But it is all about survival. And when it is all about survival, not much else matters. This is something I have learned.

Below is the result of your feedback form. It was submitted by Justine Rivera (xxxxx@aol.com) on Tuesday, February 17, 2004 at 20:10:34
--------
Hi Transcendence,

We don't know each other, but I am big fan of yours. I have all of your CDs. My favorite is your New York CD. Maybe because I live in New York. But I also like your new CD sleep with you. I am sorry the critics are being so hard on you guys. They are idiots and me and my friends think it’s awesome. Beautiful one is my favorite song. I am glad you got the transcendence diaries back on your website. I used to read them everyday. I want to ask Fishy why you are writing the Blue Mask? I think it is very disturbing. It does not seem like something you would write. Any chance you will stop writing it? Or maybe you can move it away from the transcendence diaries so we don't have to read it if we don't want to but still read your diaries? Just a suggestion. Of course you can do whatever you want to. Keep up the great work! When will the band come to play in NYC? We can’t wait to see you live. Let us know!
Hugs and kisses
Justine

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know why I am writing the Blue Mask. But I know I have to. I am certainly not trying to disturb anyone. But I find it as disturbing as much as anyone probably. More so I would imagine. But it is something that is inside of me. Never before have I ever felt so much like a fish out of water, forgive the pun. Me, I'm like that frog that is swimming around in the warm water that is slowly heating up, subtly aware that something just isn't right, but not doing anything about it. I'm not jumping out of the water. Soon it will begin to boil. And I am still here. Swimming around in the hot water now. Waiting. Waiting for anything. I looked at these pictures tonight from the original Transcendence line up. Back when Fishy was the ambassador. But I am not the ambassador now. I am not the Blue Mask. I am certainly not Tobias Guess. I'm not even Fishy. I am a man without a home, who lives in this big house. But home is not where you live. Home is inside of us. And inside of me there is no home right now. There is just an aching and a sadness and a longing. For what I don't know.

There’s this: I have noticed that we grew up in such a manufactured world that when you do realize that something actually comes from nature as opposed to being man-made it can sort of shock you for a minute. I looked at this bottle of cinnamon earlier today and I thought, ‘I like cinnamon. I wonder how they make it...’ and then it occurred to me that they don't really make it, but that it comes from nature that way... wow, things still come from nature? I started trying to remember where cinnamon actually comes from... is it like a tree or something? That’s city life for you. You just don't even think about things like that. Imagine eating something that comes from a tree? As opposed to coming from some factory or plant or laboratory somewhere. There were days long gone when everything we consumed came from nature. And now, in the cities at least, it seems like everything we consume is more man-made...

“Hey Om, what's up? Sorry I couldn’t take your call. I was on the other line...”
“No worries love. How are you?”
“Uhhmm... I'm hanging in there.” laughs. “That’s about it...”
“Laughs....” “Its o.k. you can be negative. Let it out.”
“Well you know its just one of those days.... just wondering what the use in all this is... how much more worthless can life get.... that type of day. the good stuff.”
“Don't worry. It’ll pass.”
“It will? Well I'm waiting... I'm fucking waiting... but its still here...”
“I'm just getting out. I was in it for the last five weeks...”
”Five weeks?! Say it isn't so! No. I can’t even take a fucking day of it. You’re talking five weeks?! Uh uh. No way.”
”Sure. I'm just getting out of it...”
”Fuckin a. Maybe chicks are just better at that than guys. I'm freaking out all day today.”
“God Fishy you are so funny. What's wrong?”
“I don't know. I'm just thinking about all the friends we have that we don't have anymore.... you know?”
“Oh that one... Yeah I know love.”
“You know that one? God I hate it... I hate how we are friends with people at one time in our life and then we look back and realize that we aren't really friends with them anymore... God I fucking hate that.”
“Yes I know that one. Well we’re still friends.”
“I know. but that never helps does it... I mean, when we’re thinking of all the friends we don't have anymore, we just focus on them and we don't think about all the friends we still have or all the new ones. God I hate that. I really think I have issues with the whole friends thing...”
“You are funny...”
“Well I'm glad you are getting something out of my pain. its good to know that its good for something... I thought for a moment that it was just a waste... all this pain should be used for something...”
“You should go home and write a song.... its always good for that.”
“I know. But God how many fucking songs can I write about being in pain? I think I've pretty much beaten that subject to a dead and bloody pulp. Can you say that? what the hell is a dead and bloody pulp anyway?”
“you just need to write a little. Get a good song out of it. tomorrow you’ll...”
“I know. That's what's so fucked up about it. tomorrow I'll wake up and wonder what all the fuss is about.... that's the way it is always is... except with you of course who just stays in it for five fucking weeks! I couldn’t imagine.”
“Welcome to my world...”
“The agony and desperation of not having anything wrong in your life.... it can be a terribly painful thing... laughs...”

What I've Learned

In the studio all day today working on the mixes. I am bored with this album now. I am ready to move on. I have two more that I would like to complete this year. One is modern and heavy and the other a return back to a more world-music style. How we will do this I do not know, but we will make it happen.

So what else old man?
I have learned that the older we get the less afraid of things we are. Before you know it, you reach a certain age and you can’t find anything at all that you are afraid of, which can be quite disheartening. At present the only things I can still find fear of within me are being sent to prison and raped—one can only imagine the terror in that, or being stranded out at sea and being slowly nibbled to death by a band of hungry great whites while you choke and drown, a pleasant thought indeed I know. I used to be very afraid of crashing in an airplane. But I cannot seem to find that fear in me anymore. I would assume that the actual plunging to our death wouldn’t last that long and if one tried perhaps they could fool themselves into thinking they were on a ride at Disney world or something.

As a man I used to be afraid sometimes of getting beat up by bigger men (I don't think this is a fear that women usually walk around with). You study fighting and martial arts for a few years and you don't walk around with that fear anymore. I used to be afraid of my house getting broken into by a bunch of crack heads, so I bought guns and studied tactical training. Now if you hear a noise in your house while you are sleeping, you don't waddle out of bed with a baseball bat, you jump out eagerly with a .357 and pray for the souls of the men who are in there.

Its true, if you're lucky I guess, the older you get the less fear you have. And in a certain respect that means the crazier you become. Crazy people are those without fear. Like those zombie villains in video games.

Because I don't want to be crazy I am trying desperately to create some more fears in my life. I did think of some last night. Being locked in a trunk of a car would suck and someone locking you in a clothes dryer and turning it on. That would certainly be at least a little frightening. If you have children obviously I can think of nothing more frightening than something horrible happening to them. Losing your parents is something that if I focus on I can become quite afraid of. Losing a limb or becoming paralyzed is something that is easy to become afraid of if you think about it for even a few seconds.

[on a side note we’ve noticed that through the advent of technology we are gaining a lot more access to others around us who these tragedies have befallen and through getting to know them on a more personal level it increases the general understanding of these conditions and hopefully lightens the stigma and pain of it for everyone. I remember I used to be kind of freaked out by handicapped people when I was younger, but then Madelynne started working with them and bringing them around the house all the time so I got used to it. People like Christopher Reeve as horrible as it is... its doing something... its opening us all up... I can see it from the future as being something that was very important for us all...

I have learned that pornography is like anything else. it can be really gross and nasty and lower-mode. Or it can be cool and valuable. Just depends on how its done.

I have learned that just because we think of something doesn’t mean its going to happen or that its true. Our mind is like a movie theatre that we get 24 hour a day free access to, which is great. Sometimes enlightening, sometimes frightening, always entertaining. But we have to remember that after all, its just a movie; its not real.

What I've Learned...

“Present moment awareness is allowing the flow of attention, the flow of consciousness, the flow of universal intelligence, the flow of nature, to move spontaneously and effortlessly through our physiologies.” [I believe that Deepak said that]

So where were we? Yes.

I have learned that we have a capacity for putting up with things that are not optimal, or even healthy. But we do it anyway. It's something that I've heard spoken about by a lot of people. Our capacity for grinning and bearing it so to speak, rather than just moving on, or creating change. I look back now on certain situations in my life. and I see it. places where i was that didn't feel so good but I stayed in them anyway. we get kind of frozen there... I would hope that as we get older we get better at recognizing these circumstances and better at jumping out and into something better.

I have learned that the two party system in America is a scam, perpetrated by intelligent people to get not so intelligent people to make choices that they don't want to and shouldn’t have to make in a civilized society; much like if someone was to ask you at the drive through at McDonalds what you would like as a side order. French fries or nothing. Take your pick. There really isn't two parties per se; there are many; and there shouldn’t be ideologically speaking any parties at all. Again its like the French fries at McDonalds. They can ask you what you want on the side, but you don't really have a choice. They only have French fries. And everyone knows it. so everyone just orders fries and doesn’t think about it. But lets face it; French fries fucking suck as a food. They're greasy, they're almost tasteless except for the pound of salt that they pour all over them, they have no nutritive value, they make you fat and ugly if you eat them, and by this time they are fucking boring as hell. But people shove them down their throats anyway because they don't think they have any choice in it.

What Else? Pt. II

What else?
Never waste a night tossing and turning. Take a walk or take a valium. But a poor night’s sleep is too dreadful to suffer through.

What else...
We age. It's true. I never used to believe it. but I do now. we don't notice it. but other people do. the older we get, the faster time seems to pass. Remember when we were young and the summer would just crawl by? It took forever till Christmas arrived again. and now.... forget about it. you know what? We get old. Its really true. and time just starts flying by... I just never thought it would happen to me. But I'm watching it happen to me and all of my friends. It’s a fucking tragedy and a curse.

Just because you're generous with others doesn’t mean that others are going to be generous with you. back in my first year of college, white bear sat me down one day. I was 17, and he was about 22. there were four of us sharing an apartment. “Listen Fishy I have to talk to you man. You're really generous with everyone. You are more than generous. And that's great. But that doesn’t mean that other people are going to be generous like you...” “what are you talking about dude?” “O.k. Fishy, its like this. I know this is your first year and all, but you can’t think that because you don’t care who eats your food, that you can just go in everyone’s cabinet when you get home at night and eat all their food. Everyone's freaking out. this isn't like you're living at your parents house anymore, you know what I mean?” I'll never forget that conversation. White bear was a great older brother to me for years. that always just stuck with me. I couldn’t imagine all of us just not sharing all of our food. But a lot of guys weren't into that.... their cereal was their cereal... like that... it was crazy for me getting used to that concept. Because I was so generous. Threw me into a funk for a few days. trying to figure out how I should start being.... should I stop being so generous with people or what? Getting used to playing in the sandbox with other kids...

Something else. just because you are sane doesn’t mean that everyone else out there is sane. I have a tough time with this one sometimes. You forget. And then you're talking with someone and you start realizing that they're just totally fucking crazy... that can get scary sometimes. And in the same respect just because you think that you are sane doesn’t mean that you are. I've been getting a sneaking suspicion for years now that I'm just totally fucking nuts and just don't know it yet...

Don't be afraid to borrow money. the sooner you start borrowing money, the sooner you're on your way to having real money. People wait so long to borrow. Because they just don't know. and then by the time they do know they're in the same position as pretty much everyone else at that age. The key is in borrowing early and borrowing a lot. borrow, pay back, borrow, pay back, borrow, pay back. the key to wealth. I've learned this over the years.