In the line at the movies and feeling so heavy from this relationship thing. My mind was spinning from the confusion of not exactly knowing what I was feeling. Recognized the signs; unable to focus, more attention on myself rather than on the outside, feelings of discomfort and resistance. I stood there and forced myself to feel whatever I was feeling, let it all slowly unravel and untangle inside of me so I could take a look at what was there. I could discreate the beliefs later. Lets just take a look at them and free up some attention. So what I started noticing as I looked around inside was this feeling that I just wasn't ready to settle down and get married. Even though a big part of me longs for it. I have no problem with the idea of marriage. I can’t wait. I just don't know about the forever part of it. that's the part that sticks me. I told la Princesa about this. I told her that maybe I could see marriage if instead of promising forever two people promised five years with an option to renew type of thing. Of course she was upset. I think she walked out actually. But I had to be honest. Forever? The rest of your life. Later she admitted that she sort of felt the same way but it was just too much to think about, and too out of the ordinary and crazy to entertain the idea. But I think that is a much more logical and practical way to go about it.

All I do know is that a lot of my friends are already divorced. And some of them are already in their second marriages. And most of us have parents who are divorced. Not all of them, but the majority of them. I notice a lot of my friends also getting married and admitting that they aren't totally madly in love like they thought they would be but just still really wanted to get married and really love their spouse. For me I just couldn’t imagine doing that. still others are in relationships or marriages that are strained and not so deliberate. A lot of fighting. A lot of wondering what it would be like to be on their own. but maybe they have children now and can’t get out. A lot of marriages seem more Bas Fishy on avoiding pain and loneliness than experiencing love and passion. Not all of them. A few of my married friends seem really really happy. So the possibility is there. I just haven't gotten to the point yet where I am willing to subject myself or anyone else to that.

I have been in some great relationships. Engaged once for years. And I love each of these girls more than anything. It's like I am collecting this amazing group of loving and supportive ex-girlfriends. And I feel lucky to have that. But honestly, it's not that great. Once an ex-girlfriend settles in to her own marriage or a serious relationship, you pretty much get tucked in the backseat of their life. Which is totally understandable. But still, that is no reason to go off and get married if you still think you have your doubts about it as a whole. I don't have doubts about marriage itself; I just have doubts about myself and the idea of forever that goes along with marriage.   

The cold hard fact of the matter is that no matter how lonely it gets sometimes, no matter how much a part of me longs to walk into the kitchen smelling of home cooked food or to see a beautiful smiling face under the tree at Christmas, I still don't feel ready to commit to ‘you and me till the day we die and no one and nothing else in between.’ And that's what marriage, in it's current incarnation, is all about. So if I'm going to commit to it, I want it to be for real. I would never commit to something that I thought from the get go that I couldn’t achieve. 

When I was with Cleopatra, it would really bother her. Sometimes she would pick up on my thoughts, out of the blue, and just scream at me, “you jerk. I know what you're thinking. I hate you.” but I couldn’t help it. I really was feeling that. Same thing is happening now with la Princesa. It's kind of killing her, and I hate that. No matter how fruitful or enjoyable or passionate our relationship is for each of us, this marriage thing kind of hangs over our heads all the time subconsciously. It doesn’t mean that I don't love her, that I wouldn’t kill for her. I would. Same thing with Maddie, my first real long term girlfriend. One day we were driving and I said something about marriage and she said, ‘you're not going to marry me pups. I know that.’ At first I was so surprised, I tried to deny it, sort of. ‘Why would you say that,’ I asked. But I knew she knew. So there was no use in fighting it. We just kept driving silently. Didn't talk about it anymore. Till one day when it kind of reached the point of no return and we slowly ended it. That was ten years ago. She's married now. God, they're all married now. Just not me.

I've been to a lot of ex-girlfriends’ weddings. One time I went to an ex-girlfriend’s wedding with another ex-girlfriend as my date. That was interesting. And I was dancing with the girl who just got married and she said to me, ‘you were the love of my life you bastard.’ And I looked over at the other girl who I came there with and felt such love for her still, like I would die for her, for both of them, and I was thinking about the bitter irony of it all. I took a big gulp of my drink and danced harder. Just how totally crazy life is sometimes. But I was so happy to see her up there with her new husband, knowing that she is loved and cared for now. it gave me a real sense of peace in my heart. Now the other one is married as well. 

    

There are a lot of reasons to settle down and get married. Having children is a big one. Luckily it isn't such a ticking time bomb for men as it is for women. So I have found that I really have to be careful to not be selfish and take up a girl’s good years if I'm not totally feeling it. Because I don't think there is anything more reprehensible than that. There is a certain stigma associated with being single, and a certain instant respectability that comes with being married. You certainly get invited to more dinner parties and more social gatherings when you are in a “couple.” There are a lot of benefits to being married, especially for men. We get it easy. We live like kings when we’re married. When we are single often times we live like college kids, or at least like ‘bachelors.’

Now I work hard to keep the same kind of romance and passion and love and hominess and cleanliness in my life and in my home as you normally and naturally experience when you are married and have a family. I don't think that is something that you should have to give up just because you are single. But it isn't easy. The challenge to the single person is to create that feeling of love and tenderness, of home and support, of passion and romance in your life even without having a significant other in your life. to still wake up everyday and smell great smells in a clean home, to still have great sex, to experience great romance, to still walk around with that feeling of love and support and family within you, even though you aren't married. Again, it's not easy. But it's possible. Often times I feel this feeling inside like, ‘but what is the purpose? Where's the big purpose you feel, like when you are married?’ And that's a tough one. Isn't our own life enough? Does it have to be about someone else? Is that really what it's all about? Perhaps if you live your life filled to the rim with passion and purpose and love and romance within you, you can experience it. if you are in love with yourself, and the world, and with humanity as a whole, and with your life’s work… can we walk around with that same sense of purpose and joy and excitement about life in our hearts, even though we are alone, from just our connection with ourselves, and the world at large and our ‘creator?’ Is it possible? So there it is in a nutshell. It's one of the great dilemmas of modern times. And I am sure it won't be settled overnight.       

Last Movie:  Emperors Club with Kevin Kline. Don't bother. Also, the Mickey ward/Arturo Gatti rematch fight, unbelievable. The two best boxers in the world. Real life Rocky movie.