[a serious sacrifice you say? Uh yeah, giving up sex in order to be monogamous with a women you haven't even met yet? I would say... that's pretty fucking serious... its not just that you idiot. you aren't just doing it for her. Be real with yourself for once. You're doing it because you are finally growing up. you are doing it to honor yourself. 

You are becoming an honorable person, whether you like it or not.... well whatever. it still sucks. Giving up sex no matter what the reason is just sucks... for God sakes its sex. what could be more important than sex? O.k. lets see. Quick, most important things in the world. Oh that's easy. Sex. no seriously. I'm being serious. [my God I'm doing it again. a total fucking conversation with myself. And I have to listen to this conversation. So I'm listening to this conversation? Who then is me? if I'm having a conversation with myself and I'm listening to this same conversation at the same time... holy shit. Is this what they meant in college when we studied schizophrenia? So that's my fucking problem. Well that explains a lot. Holy shit I'm doing it again.... fucking Christ. I'm a fucking schitzo. Well at least we know now. who the fuck is we? Someone make a note. 

On this date, this year, this moment, Fishy finally realizes that he is fucking nutcase... I could have told you that all along. Can you please shut up so we can continue? ] O.k. so where we were we? Oh yeah the most important things in the world to humans.... that's easy: To men, its sex, to women its money. no go deeper. Don't be an asshole. Fine. Most important things: of all time? THE MOST important??? Yes. o.k. number one definitely freedom. Or love. Maybe they're tied for first place. would you rather be free and have no love in your life or be loved but like be in prison or something? me? neither. I'd rather die in either case... right. of course. Me too. of course you would. You are me. and I am you. Remember? Yeah I know but just play along. Its easier that way. just go with the flow bro... But if you had to choose. I would choose being free and trying to find a way to love myself. Brilliant answer. Thank you. You’re welcome. To me freedom by far would be the most important thing. Ah yes you say that. But you are freer now than you have ever been and you are dying as you say from a lack of love. Yes that is true I am seriously fucking dying. O.k. so what if you could have love in your life but you had to like work a regular nine to five job that you hated like everyone else? I don't know man, tough call. That would slowly kill me too. Total lack of freedom there. Or even worse, what if you had to be in prison for this love? Easy, I would rather have my freedom... o.k. so what's next. You got freedom and love. What else? Money. Second place is definitely money. And then what? Health. You're putting money above health? O.k. maybe not. Maybe money and health are tied for second place then. You and your fucking ties for everything. you never want to choose a favorite. I'm a Libra. What can I say? That's just the way that I am. Yeah you say that but think about Christopher reeve. Don't even tell me for a second that he would choose money over being able to walk again. o.k. fine, health second and then money third. O.k. so what's next? God who really cares after that. if you have freedom and love and money and health... who fucking cares after that...]

So its June already. Wow. Great brunch today. Improv comedy troupe last night, and then a few clubs in the grove. 

When i think of the Little Tree and her marriage and how much we love each other sometimes, I mean we go in and out of it for obvious reasons, and others before her, it helps me understand why when I think of marriage it just feels like a trap. I'm not against monogamy or anything-my heart longs to meet the woman of my dreams cause I've had both now and I would say that the relationship experience is way better than the hanging out with lots of women experience. And if you find someone that you love that much that you just really want it to last forever God that would just be awesome. I think that's why people celebrate so much when their friends get married. Its kind of like a miracle when someone tells you “I think I found the one.”

But I just think that what I notice a lot is that people once they hit that five to ten year point then all of a sudden they just really want out but then they feel trapped like they have to stay in. Not all the time. Ducky and mark, Beaver, slim and sera, they are all still together and seem really happy, so I guess its just you know a certain percentage. Statistics show that its about half that end in divorce, and that's what I've kind of noticed with my friends so far. more actually. about a third of them seem happy that they are still together, and about two thirds are already divorced or on their way, or just trying to grin and bear a marriage that they really aren't happy in any more. So I guess my point is, looking back and looking forward, for me personally, my view again, is just why not tear it all down and kind of reinvent the whole concept now. kind of turn it into the 21^st century a little now that we have all this new information. Start marrying in five year increments. I think that's more realistic. I promise to love honor cherish you for the next five years with an option to renew for another five years if we’re both still happy and fulfilled as people blah blah blah.  

The other day G2 tells me that he is in love with a married woman and what should he do. I told him he had to be a man and just say no. and of course in a way that just sucks. Who wants to be in that position? A lot of times men or women will tell you that they aren't happy in their marriage to try to get you to hang out or fool around with them, but because of the kids or whatever they have to stay married, but only an idiot would fall for that. That’s like a bad made for TV movie. And that's my point. If we had it set up right in the first place, that kind of scenario wouldn’t be so prevalent among us, but unfortunately it is. And that's because we just have this whole “married forever thing” totally wrong right now. people make it out to be some kind of a taboo or major faux paz if they get divorced. Maybe we should change the terms of the whole thing and then their wouldn’t so much divorce. I don't know. its funny though, cause as I write this I still find myself completely obsessed with finding this ideal I have in my mind of the “the woman I am going to marry.” Funny.  

Last Movie:  the American president series.

Current Spin: Rage against the machine, battle of Los Angeles. 

In the line at the movies and feeling so heavy from this relationship thing. My mind was spinning from the confusion of not exactly knowing what I was feeling. Recognized the signs; unable to focus, more attention on myself rather than on the outside, feelings of discomfort and resistance. I stood there and forced myself to feel whatever I was feeling, let it all slowly unravel and untangle inside of me so I could take a look at what was there. I could discreate the beliefs later. Lets just take a look at them and free up some attention. So what I started noticing as I looked around inside was this feeling that I just wasn't ready to settle down and get married. Even though a big part of me longs for it. I have no problem with the idea of marriage. I can’t wait. I just don't know about the forever part of it. that's the part that sticks me. I told la Princesa about this. I told her that maybe I could see marriage if instead of promising forever two people promised five years with an option to renew type of thing. Of course she was upset. I think she walked out actually. But I had to be honest. Forever? The rest of your life. Later she admitted that she sort of felt the same way but it was just too much to think about, and too out of the ordinary and crazy to entertain the idea. But I think that is a much more logical and practical way to go about it.

All I do know is that a lot of my friends are already divorced. And some of them are already in their second marriages. And most of us have parents who are divorced. Not all of them, but the majority of them. I notice a lot of my friends also getting married and admitting that they aren't totally madly in love like they thought they would be but just still really wanted to get married and really love their spouse. For me I just couldn’t imagine doing that. still others are in relationships or marriages that are strained and not so deliberate. A lot of fighting. A lot of wondering what it would be like to be on their own. but maybe they have children now and can’t get out. A lot of marriages seem more Bas Fishy on avoiding pain and loneliness than experiencing love and passion. Not all of them. A few of my married friends seem really really happy. So the possibility is there. I just haven't gotten to the point yet where I am willing to subject myself or anyone else to that.