Woke up this morning at 8:03 what a glorious morning. Stayed in bed the sun pouring in slowly in this meditation. Recanting over and over again in and out of a soft sleep, “I am at one with God. I am at one with myself.” This is how I felt this morning upon awakening. The sun shining through the window and the smell of fresh sea air. 

This is nicest hotel I have stayed at yet. Not the fanciest for surely the one in Venice was that. all marble and ... but the nicest, the coziest the warmest. I just feel so at home. 

One thing I will miss very much is that there is a bar in every corner and in every business etc.

But one thing I will not miss is the complete lack of bathtubs. I have not seen one bath tub in the country yet. I still sit down every morning as if I were taking a bath and just let the shower fall one me. for some reason this is an important ritual I have been doing since I was born I think. it is a meditative time for me first thing in the morning to just sit with the water running on my head and think and plan and sort of just be me. I wish I could find a bath tub. In the strange ladies house in Rome I cannot sit down because the shower is so dirty so I think that is part of what is throwing me off in Rome too. it is just so gross. 

It is 10 o'clock at night. I am so stressed. What a day. traveling all day by scooter. Then the bus and then the train to back Rome and then a long hike through the streets with my luggage trying to find the scooter place again. crazy. five hours of just traveling from one city to another which is only an hour away. would have been better if I would have rented a car. Now I am back in Rome at the strange lady’s house. Why the fuck I am here I do not know. driving here is treacherous. I have to drive up and down all these super busy highways on this little scooter. I had two big bags with me from my trip to the sea. And trying to drive with them on a scooter is stupid but I did it anyway. and this place is so far away from fucking Rome. I don't care what they say. If its off the map, which it is—I need two maps to get here every day, then its not in Rome. So that sucks that I don't get the Rome experience from driving to and from school every day and the worst part is that it is just so dirty and three there is all this stuff every where of this whole family that I don't even know. their toys and their pictures and their vhs tapes etc. its really weird.

I know there is a lesson here for me but I just can’t figure out which one it is. part of me thinks that the lesson is to learn to be frugal with money and not just spend, but to make sacrifices in order to save. Which I am certainly doing by staying in this faraway roach motel with no AC. $150 a week. You can’t beat it. and what a blessing it is that I can stay here so cheap, that they are letting me. and that there is a piano which I just played and that was very nice. I know this is what Madelyn would say. I can hear her now. telling me not to be such a snob. And to appreciate what I have. 

But then I hear Cleopatra also and what she would say. She wouldn’t stay here even if she was getting paid to. Part of me is so just unhappy and angry and sad and disgusted from being here—I can’t even barely take a shower because it is so gross—that I wonder if the lesson is to learn not to settle for bullshit that you don't like. And just go for what you want. Go for what makes you feel comfortable. Its true that if I stay here I am not getting the Rome experience. I just drove here just now from the station and I didn't see Rome. What I saw was thirty minutes of the worst neighborhoods of New York or Chicago. That's what it is like where I am. And I don't want that to be my experience of this beautiful city. its bad enough that the school is in a bad neighborhood. In fact the truth is I am not even tied to this school. Although it is a wonderful school. I am learning a lot. And fast. a lot more than at the school in Florence. And I am happy about this. but I can always change schools too.

[if this all sounds crazy, imagine what it must be like living in me.] So here is my take on some of the lessons I am getting here. [not that I haven't gotten them before, but hey for some it takes a few times before they really sink in.] I have already found a clean hotel downtown for $60 a night if I stay a few weeks there. So the owners of the school telling me that there was nothing is just total bullshit. what they mean but are too ignorant to know this is that they don't know of any hotels someone can stay in that have ac and are economical. So lesson one. just because someone tells you something doesn’t make it true. It may be true for them but not for you. lesson two, a lot of times people just don't know. and deeper than that. a lot of times people don't know that they don't know. the owners of this school grew up in this neighborhood God bless them. so they are putting everyone up in this neighborhood. Everyone I have talked to here has told me we are in the ghetto. I guarantee you that if we ask the owners they are not going to tell you that this is the ghetto. And who am I or anyone else to tell them so. Fine let them live here. but that doesn’t mean that I have to live here. I have already found a hotel super nice and way cheaper than they told me existed in his whole city. they told me I would have to stay like thirty miles out of the city to find something for $90 a night. they are just totally wrong but  don't know it. How many times have you been in one of those situations where someone is telling you something and they are wrong. you know they are wrong but they don't. so they are arguing and arguing. If you're smart you won't argue. We learn that when we are young. Only a fool argues with a fool. Its better to tell them once. If they don't get it. let them believe what they want. There is a reason why some of us are rich or have power or freedom and others don't. I really believe this. you can teach these things to others. And in fact it’s a good thing to do so. Spread the wealth. But if someone doesn’t want to listen don't make them.

it is true that I am always the first one to offer the sage advice to others that if you are not happy with something never settle—always go for what you want. And how often I hear from people ‘oh well that's easy for you to say...etc etc...” and I always just think, “o.k. fine, one day they will understand or maybe they won't, but it isn't my job to teach them this very easy lesson. So I see this. I see that I can turn around right now and move to a different place. I guess this is the lesson. Yes its nice to save money. But its better to be comfortable. I really believe that you can only thrive when you are thriving so to speak. Its like success leads to more success. Happiness leads to more happiness. If I stay in this rat trap what am I telling myself? What is the message I am giving myself? That I am not worth being in a beautiful neighborhood that is close to everything? That I am so broke that I have to stay in some rat trap where I don't even feel comfortable taking a shower? This is not the message I want to give to myself. Nor is it the message I want to portray to others. O.k. I think I got the lesson. My week here is up on Tuesday or Wednesday. I will stay until then since it is paid for already. After that we bail for greener pastures.

O.k. onto today. and what a day it was. The mountain. The American GI. Itri. The sadness. The isolation.