Backstage at the Radiohead concert. I ran into Sheryl. She was there writing a review of the show. After a few minutes, she was asking me how Vancouver is. They haven't been broken up too long. You can feel when someone is hurting. And I could feel it. I played it cool. Tried to play down the potential for there to be pain. Even though there certainly is that potential. It was obvious. But tried to keep it light. 

“You guys going to open for them?” she asks and nods to the band.

“Nah. We’re on the way up. I think they’ll be opening up for us...”

“You’re funny. But you guys deserve to be cocky. You're new album is awesome. You guys gonna sign it for me?”

“I think we’re too close for that, aren't we? Isn't there some kind of closeness rule. You can’t sign a Cd for people you have hung out with more than a certain number of times....” she laughs.

“So how is everybody? I haven't seen you guys in a while.”
”Yea its been a while. Everyone’s good. We’re all good. The usual. And how are you?”

“I'm o.k. I guess. Its not easy. I'm seeing a doctor.” 

“You mean a therapist?”

“No,” laughs, “I mean, I'm seeing this guy who’s a doctor.”

“Oh. Well that's cool.”
She laughs. “Not as cool as seeing a guitar player.”

“Yea, I guess not.” We laugh. Van is one of the funniest and coolest guys you can hang out with. “I could see a doctor being pretty sleep-inducing in comparison.” 

“What about you? Are you seeing anyone now?”

“No. I'm still waiting....”

“For your super hero girl?” she laughs.

“Why yes. How did you know?”

“Have you met her?”

“Who? My super hero girl?”

“No silly. His new girlfriend.”

“Uh yea. She's nice. Haven't thought about her too much.” I looked away, towards the guys on stage.

Thom was wailing away like always, and Ed looked like he was lying on his back. I remember seeing them in Italy this summer. Backstage is always more fun for obvious reasons, but never as good as being out in front. You just can’t hear or see well enough to get the real audience experience. And after seeing the Elevation Tour a million times last year, I just don't think any concert will ever compare now. I think maybe that was the be-all end-all of all concert experiences. I don't know if there will ever be a concert experience as good as the elevation tour. 

“She seems nice.” she says out of the blue while I was deep in thought, reflecting back on Bono and how he manages to keep singing so well like that year after year, and me I can’t even get through one week without losing my voice. How the fuck does he do it? I wonder if they do a lot of blow? Should I start using coke again before shows? Everyone does it. Maybe I should just try it. Really put on amazing shows. Like in the Shattered days. But I wonder if its possible to do it just before shows and not the rest of the time... wouldn’t I get hooked on it? Remember those days? God I hate that stuff. No. Fuck that. I am just going to have to find another way.  

“It’s still hard,” I hear her say. As if it was coming from another universe. “Its not easy.” I look up at her. She is staring at me. As if we are having a conversation. She thinks we are having a conversation. How long was I thinking for? She didn't seem to notice.

“Yea I can tell it is Sheryl. You know, it takes time.” I finally say. 

“Not for him.”

“That's not necessarily true. You don't know. A lot of times people just jump from one to another to make the pain easier to deal with. You know that.” 

“Yea. It hasn’t really helped for me.” 

“Sometimes it doesn’t. You guys were together for a long time. You have to honor that. Honor your own healing time. It passes. Welcome to the world of being single.” I throw my arms up in the air. She laughs.

“I don't like it as much.”

“Shit Sheryl. Nobody does. Well. Very few people do. It takes a certain type. Maybe you're not one of them. I'm not. I'm trying to be. But I'm not.” 

“I don't think I am either...” her voice trails off.

Sheryl was depressing me. Besides the fact that she is a friend and I could feel her pain. But also because it reminded me of my own feelings. There's a lot of catches being single. Maybe more if you're a guy. Girls kind of run the show. They call the shots. If they want to use a guy just for sex its no big deal they can do it. they're like queens. Sex and the city made it all o.k. for them to be as slutty as they wanna be and still walk around all smiley and be accepted by society. Well, o.k. perhaps not accepted by society, but no one is throwing stones at them anymore. At least not here in the states. Guys are supposed to just understand. If a chick wants to use a guy for sex its fine. So she's a modern woman who knows what she wants. If a guy does that he's an asshole. He's a user. He's a Casanova. He's a player. He's a womanizer. So the trick is satisfying your basic natural sexual needs, the call of nature, but still trying to be a gentleman and not hurt anyone in the process. Its an unfair game we've set up for ourselves. 

Every girl you see you wonder how she would be to sleep with. As well we should. Its in our genes. Its our job. This is what we are best at. Shagging girls. The more the merrier. I just want to fulfill my life’s mission. And now for some reason feel a something inside that hints at a higher mission perhaps. How terribly cruel. Like last night at the backstage party, I was talking to this girl and she was looking really hot, but she sold carpet for a living. Her brother is a sound tech on the tour. And so I kind of started losing interest in the conversation. 

And then my mind starts to wander. And I have nothing against carpet. I like carpet really. But I couldn’t muster much interest in her, other than her amazing breasts. I'm trying to be interested because I really am interested in some way in the girl, at least definitely sexually, but I don't know, lately there's this honesty cop in my head, the truth police, and it just won't let me even indulge in that anymore. I couldn’t even fake it for a minute. It is as if I have lost my ability to be a player. That's what it is. I have lost the player in me. I play it all out in my head. The whole way it would go down. What I need to say to bed her. And then how I would feel the next day. and on and on. And how once la Princesa told me she spent three days in bed staring up at the ceiling thinking “What's wrong with me? Why doesn’t he want me?” and that fucking killed me. Just the image of that. So I am truly unable to pretend anymore to even be interested if I am not. Even if I am slightly interested. I tell myself; well you are interested in her. Its not a lie. Yea but just for sex. I mean I'm not interested in her as a person. I'm not going to whisk her off her feet and carry her to some foreign land like prince charming. I just want to do her. Well what's wrong with that? just tell her you want to do her then. See what she says. Fuck that. and then what. She has to come to my house or worse yet I have to go to her house? And then we get to know each other. Fuck that. I don't want to get to know her. I just want to do her. I can’t even do that. it would be an insult to my future wife. Dude you're not even married. Yea I know. but when I do meet her I will feel as though I had cheated in some way. Well maybe not. Who knows. But the point is that I just can’t fake it anymore. Well fine. You can’t fake it so in the meantime you are a fucking singer in a rock band and we are backstage and we can do any girl we want to, but instead we are just going to stand here looking for Mrs. Right. is that it? that's our fucking life now? yea I guess that's it. Holy shit! Am I talking to myself? Am I having a whole conversation with myself? God I really am going crazy. Its really making me insane this situation.... 

I watched the guys rock out more. imagining what if. What if hail to the thief would have really been the album that we all were praying would come out of them. I am not one of the few who applauded and jumped up and down for it. None of us around here have been. Don't get me wrong, its still better than tons of other stuff churning out, but it just was an off album. I would agree more with Q magazine, who called them ‘miserable.’ I can’t get past the first half of it. its just too whiney. I am tired of them whining. I thought it served its purpose at some point, but I would rather rock out more thank you. like the old days. Watching them tonight made me very reminiscent. There they were, the saviors and torch bearers when all around us was grunge rock and then the corporate fake “alternaschlock” that is so popular now. Radiohead made it o.k. to still be cool and smart and musical for the last ten years. You could rock AND think? No way! Yep. They shined that light. And truly, o.k. computer was the nineties sergeant peppers, unless you want to give that to achtung baby and call o.k. computer the Dark side of the moon. Either way. Those were the great ones right there. And kid a and amnesiac are two of the most important rock albums ever made. period. But hail? Hey man, U2 made zooropa. Remember that drek? I try not to. 

Most influential artist of all time? Dylan? Hendrix? Beatles? Maybe. But for me. and I think in time, people are going to come in droves to announce that its Prince. Can’t stop listening to Parade. All weekend. His time is going to come back.