I'm not sure if everyone is like this. but for me, I just don't know if I will ever get over that underlying nagging lonely feeling that can accompany you ever so subtly when you are, well, all alone in the world, until I am actually married with children... makes me think of the Stallion. I don't know why exactly but I believe it may be just because when we first met and started dating she too expressed a strong desire to settle down and partner up with someone. I do not forget that day at the beach when she whined (understandably so) ‘I'm tired of being alone. Of doing everything alone. I want to have a partner...’ I felt for her that day. and as time has passed for me without finding my soulmate, wife, partner in future crime, I can relate more readily with her sentiments. I pray that one day she will find someone who will love her and cherish her forever. I love her very much and know what an amazing catch she is. she deserves it.

The single life is a grand thing. it is true that if you're a guy it can be a great thing because you can taste the fruits of all the different countries of the world and that's a wondrous thing. I will never regret my single years. and I am sure when I am older and married for years and years and years and made love to my wife in every position known to man in every room in our house and our in-laws house that I will look back at these single years as something to be cherished and remembered fondly. But for the life of me I cannot shake this uncontrollable desire to partner up and begin nesting and family building with my one true love, wherever she is, whoever she is.

I am reading a collection of essays by Kevin smith, silent bob for those in the know, and it gives me hope because this guy is NUTS, and I figure if he can find a woman who loves him and accepts him with how crazy he is, then I have nothing to worry about.

Good times last night. hanging with TomCat, who now wants to be called something like Thomaso, Lil Sis (this was her idea, but says she's not committing to it so it may change), and one of her friends from school, a cat named Bret who works for Brooks Brothers as a tailor. Tom cat is obsessed with Asian women. I had never had a thing for Asian girls myself. They are certainly the current leaders in fashion now. the Asians are really stretching it. their eye is impeccable. Their fashion sense is out of this world. they are leading the pack right now. if urban culture once lead the pack in fashion, which they certainly did at one time, and still do to many, the Asians are going to revolutionize fashion soon. its happening now.

but still it was never my thing. tom cat spoke about his time in Korea as an English teacher and we all listened intently, learning a lot about what he calls that special something that is inbred in them over thousands of years that American women could never possess, in the way they know how to treat a man like a king. He speaks of them as some men speak about good cigars or fine wine or expensive cars. A gleam in his eye.

Backstage at the Radiohead concert. I ran into Sheryl. She was there writing a review of the show. After a few minutes, she was asking me how Vancouver is. They haven't been broken up too long. You can feel when someone is hurting. And I could feel it. I played it cool. Tried to play down the potential for there to be pain. Even though there certainly is that potential. It was obvious. But tried to keep it light. 

“You guys going to open for them?” she asks and nods to the band.

“Nah. We’re on the way up. I think they’ll be opening up for us...”

“You’re funny. But you guys deserve to be cocky. You're new album is awesome. You guys gonna sign it for me?”

“I think we’re too close for that, aren't we? Isn't there some kind of closeness rule. You can’t sign a Cd for people you have hung out with more than a certain number of times....” she laughs.

“So how is everybody? I haven't seen you guys in a while.”
”Yea its been a while. Everyone’s good. We’re all good. The usual. And how are you?”

“I'm o.k. I guess. Its not easy. I'm seeing a doctor.” 

“You mean a therapist?”

“No,” laughs, “I mean, I'm seeing this guy who’s a doctor.”

“Oh. Well that's cool.”
She laughs. “Not as cool as seeing a guitar player.”

“Yea, I guess not.” We laugh. Van is one of the funniest and coolest guys you can hang out with. “I could see a doctor being pretty sleep-inducing in comparison.” 

“What about you? Are you seeing anyone now?”

“No. I'm still waiting....”

“For your super hero girl?” she laughs.

“Why yes. How did you know?”

“Have you met her?”

“Who? My super hero girl?”

“No silly. His new girlfriend.”

“Uh yea. She's nice. Haven't thought about her too much.” I looked away, towards the guys on stage.

Thom was wailing away like always, and Ed looked like he was lying on his back. I remember seeing them in Italy this summer. Backstage is always more fun for obvious reasons, but never as good as being out in front. You just can’t hear or see well enough to get the real audience experience. And after seeing the Elevation Tour a million times last year, I just don't think any concert will ever compare now. I think maybe that was the be-all end-all of all concert experiences. I don't know if there will ever be a concert experience as good as the elevation tour. 

I watched the debates tonight. I didn't think the general Clark really seemed too much like a president. Seemed like he had pretty low testosterone. He needs some serious supplementation. Maybe he was just real nervous. He sure stands for all the right stuff. We’ll just have to wait and see. One thing is for sure. There are plenty of good candidates. A lot more than I think anyone expected. Well educated well informed and well spoken men and women who seem to mean well. 

I remember that one time when I roomed with the Gardner and he said he was coming to terms with the fact that maybe he was a sex addict. He was like fifty or sixty years old and I remember looking at him like “what? What's that?” its an interesting question. What is a sex addict? What if someone does it like everyday? That's pretty normal I would think. but what if they just do it with anyone just to have sex, like Samantha on sex and the city. I guess that's a sex addict. Can we be a vegetable addict? You see what I am saying? I guess you are a sex addict if your need for sex is somehow damaging your life or the lives of others. Can this happen with vegetables? I don't know. 

The crazy Spaniard telling me before she took off that she was in desperate need to find a man fast. She wasn't used to going this long without sex. She is going crazy. Masturbating three times a day with a vibrator. If someone doesn’t hold her and make love with her soon that she feels as though she may go crazy. Welcome to the world of being single baby I said. You're not the only one. So I helped her out a few times. As a friend of course. More of an experiment. They call that friends with benefits program. And often times it works very well. For some reason Francis will not go for it anymore. I think it only works if both people are just friends. If one of them likes the other than its going to cause problems.

Remember that one time when me and the Wolf were on our way to a gig and we had the Squirrel in the back seat and we were talking about masturbating and she told us that the most she ever masturbated in one day was twelve times. The Wolf almost ran us off the road from laughing so hard. Seriously, we skipped like three lanes on the highway. We were dying with laughter... We thought she was kidding but she wasn't. That’s some serious sex addiction there. But then again, who knows? Perhaps its not. If one enjoys it, then why not? Has anyone ever sat around all day and watched movies? Is that an addiction to movie watching? So what's the difference between doing that and masturbating? I don't know the answer to that one, but twelve times in a day? Man that's crazy. Wouldn’t that just really hurt after a while?  

Current read: The disheveled dictionary by Karen Elizabeth Gordon. 

At a café on Miami beach. Determined to keep the cool vibage of Italy even here. typing on my laptop drinking glasses of a new Italian wine known as vermintina. 

Today I went to the office and started packing all my things. wow. This was slightly heavy although not that big of a deal. I am so filled with these feelings of excitement and 

Reconnected with the stallion although it is too difficult for her. Still feels bad that we never made a run for it. although it was so nice to reconnect with her. She has found a new boyfriend now. 

When you are a single man and you get a lot of it, people think that life is so good. but I told Maddie last night, I would give it all up if I met the one. some girl who just totally blew me away and made my heart sing. is it like Manfred the mad German lawyer said one day at lunch, “don't wait too long young man, because the longer you wait the harder it gets to settle with anyone’s idiosyncrasies....” I don't know. I'm slightly drunk right now I think. me and my laptop on my lap literally while I shove huge forkfuls of salad and goat cheese into my mouth for the entire world to see. I can hear Maddie now, ‘you are such a  fucking freak....’ 

But it is the life of the artist. one can easily see how easy it would be to go insane. Living this lifestyle. 

So last night I talked to Madelyn for about two hours and it was so nice. she is pregnant now. having a baby. All my ex girls are either married or pregnant. Tells you something. Although what it tells you I don't know. I have reached this point—it is as funny as it is frustrating  and peculiar—where I just can’t fake it anymore. Look Rosie sex is natural desire in men, it’s a basic need as strong maybe stronger as the need for food or shelter—o.k. much stronger than the need for shelter—so yes there is this need to have sex and touch and affection and passion and all of that. but man I've just totally lost my ability to bullshit with the girls. I don't know what it is. but if I perceive that a girl isn't the one for me, isn't someone I can be with for real—I mean seriously, if it isn't her, I just don't even want to talk to her. So for sex you just use the professional women. I told this to my little cuzzie wuzzie and she just freaked out. “You have never been with one of THOSE WOMEN have you?” “No of course not. I'm just kidding.” oh god it was funny. I just couldn’t go through with telling her about it. 

[For the benefit of all working women the world over. Rosie acts like it’s a sin. Just completely alarmed at the thought of it. and I guess if you are a 21 year old born again Christian, then prostitution probably is a sin to you, but if you're a thirty year old man who hasn’t had sex in a month or two then I would call it a blessing. Prostitutes are Gods gift to all men everywhere. What an amazing thing a professional girl is when you think about it. the fact that they are willing to do that for us. and vice versa for the guys that do it too. I know some girls that have called men over... they loved it. The first time I was with a pro, I was so fucking nervous I couldn’t even talk straight. But by the time it was over I was holding her and thanking her. I gave her extra money. I felt re-energized and relieved and just so happy. and she was like look here's my house number, call me anytime. It’s a win win. I see what my guy friends go through out there. How they want to stay out all night at the clubs just because they want or need to have sex so badly. So they stay in these smoky clubs all night not doing anything remotely productive. Listening to bad music, talking to tons of uninteresting girls one after the other, just trying to get laid. And if they get lucky they end up bringing some stank stupid two bit back to their house to sleep with them. and they still aren't happy. little do they know they could just pick up the phone and call one over in the comfort of their own home. no clubs. No staying out all night with that stupid drunken desperate look on all their faces hoping to get lucky. I mean, that's what the pros are for. They’re there for us. and in return we are there for them. they need money. that's how they make their living. And they're alright with it. and we need sex and they're alright with that too. say what you will about doing it the old fashioned way. and spend all night in some stupid club that is beneath you just so you can try to get laid. And by the time you bring your nasty drunken two bit back to your pad and waste even more time having to talk to them about nothing in order to get in, I'm already fast asleep after a good nights lovemaking and I got a lot of work done as well.]

A lot of the pain over the last two years since I've been single—the trail of broken hearts as my friends tease me about, its just because you know when people are single, as I've been learning they really are looking for someone, really hoping to find a Mr. or Mrs. Right. And when you meet someone and you have this amazing time with them and everything seems great, but then maybe that person calls it off, it does hurt. And the tendency is to blame that person for hurting you. But deeper than that, its that we just feel so goddamn upset that they don't like us. So we get mad. Its like this what the fuck is wrong with me thing. And you know I never meant to hurt anyone. And I know that no one meant to hurt me. That one time the first girl I dated once me and Cleopatra broke up Kelli, and we went out for a while and then I find out one night she’s seeing her boss out on a date with this guy. And I was surprised you know. I told my boys. Man I'm so hurt I say. And they say get used to it. Welcome to being single bro. You'll bounce back. but I never faulted kell, cause she obviously liked this guy more than me even though we really hit it off. Six months later they were married. So who’s to say? She and I became friends pretty soon after that night. I started giving her tips how to play it with the guy you know. I couldn’t really be mad. I mean who’s to fucking say who someone is going to like. Its just a roll of the dice. Or more than that, its some kind of destiny. You can’t blame someone for not liking you and vice versa. I hate when girls get mad at me for not liking them. and I'm sure they feel the same way about guys, when guys won't stop calling them. I understand their pain, cause I've felt it, but it still hurts when they blame you for something you really can’t help. Cause after I am with a girl I want to keep knowing them and hanging with them anyway. I hate that whole attitude ‘well if we’re not going to go out then I don't care if were friends or not.’ That's a great way to know that you made the right decision when you break up with a girl, if she gives you that line.

Last Movie:  looking for an echo. This was a great movie. I think I'm going to get into doo wop now after seeing this movie.

Current Spin: alanis morrisette, supposed infatuation...