According to Peak Evolution theory, PE, you path find, you observe you feel you look at the different optimizers and determine what they are communicating to you about what direction is driving you in. Sometimes I have a hard time with this one. optimizers = things like what other people are saying, how you feel—emotions, synchronistic events that transpire—things like coincidences, are things working out or no? she calls this path finding. You take an action and you see how it is received by nature or ‘the universe’ so to speak in order to better work with nature to achieve peak evolution, or go beyond peak performance. If things aren't working out, maybe someone/something is trying to tell you something. or an Avatar would say maybe you just need to discreate some beliefs that are in your way or impeding your progress to achieving what you want. Sometimes finding those beliefs is not as easy as saying that. lets put it that way. o.k. so according to PE theory, literally weeks after I decided to make the whole concept of the band change from Fishy, meaning more of just a Fishy thing, to Transcendence, meaning more of a group thing or a band vibe---this is why rise and shine and sleep with you have different band names---everything started to change and shift. But not in the way I expected at all.

I didn't see it at first. Couldn’t. So busy. Out there adrift in the sea of creations. And not understanding really how to read the optimizers like is explained in the PE book. Didn't think there were any optimizers. Everyday week there is this group conference call and it is free and it is people calling from all over the world to discuss and explore the PE concepts and methods and theories and practices. And I enjoy the calls and the interaction with others. But would always think ‘where are the optimizers? How do I find them? and how do I judge what they are?’ Today on the road, driving, music loud, bowie’s new one, Reality. Thinking of Vancouver. Always so busy with twenty other projects. The absolute worst thing you can have in a band. Someone who is in but not really in. Its divisive. It can rip apart any organization. I know this. but he is brilliant on guitar. But so are a lot of other guitarists. We are an amazing team though. We have made magic, and live in concert, its something to see, but he is in many other projects. And completely convinced that if given the opp he will go out on the road backing up the Latin singer whose music he doesn’t listen to and doesn’t really like one way or the other. But he will do it he says for the money and the opp to be out there on huge stages etc. o.k. so that's a rough one for everyone else to handle, not just because he will be leaving a lot of other projects behind while he is out on the road but also just because you lose respect for a musician when he goes that route.

You don't want to, but you just do. lot of cats down here do that, back up really cheesy Latin or pop singers that you won't find one CD in their own album collection at home, but they go out and do it anyway. like I already said or me and for other artists I know, they would rather be shot, but for some, they can do it. [note here---remember the piano man did this gig over the summer, actually lots of them, backing up some act called the earthman. This guy who gets dressed up in a big earth costume and dances around the stage singing kids songs or something. I think there are some musicians that can do this. they go to school they get their music degree and they don't care what they do they just want to work at music. And then there's this whole other school of thought, different types of musicians, the ones who don't go to school necessarily, they're in music for a different reason, not as much just ‘to work’ but more because it is their art, like painting or moviemaking or whatever, it is a passion for them, it is more like a religion. So you couldn’t force them at gunpoint to go on stage with a guy dressed up in an earth costume.

But I think that's because to them, and I'm one of them, in that school of thought, the art is more about the message the bigger picture of art as a message, or art as innovation or as a way of life, rather than the actual craft of music making. Not that I'm against guys that do that, cause I'm not. Music is music. They're just totally different schools of thought. You think of someone like Bono or the edge and you get the feeling that to them they wouldn’t be playing weddings or backing up Latin singers even if they had to do it to make money, they would still be creating magic and messages and mayhem with or without big or even little money. Its all about the genius of it rather than the money or work or craft of it. this is just the way it is for true artists. Period. end of note.]

so back to the optimizers. I'm driving this morning. And I'm reflecting on the band. The band has been in constant change for years. constant fucking change. For years and years and years. people come in and people go. you don't want it to be that way, but it is. its not like the old days, like in Shattered. When we were one band. One for all and all for one. like the old glory days of rock, with bands like Zep and the Beatles and the stones etc... just a totally different trip. Guys these days are like o.k. guys see ya I'm going on the road with Britney spears, and the guys in the band are like ‘yeah right whatever. and he's like no seriously they just called. I'm leaving on Sunday and everyone’s like but you hate that music. And the guy is like yeah I know but it’s a good opp....’ this is happening to bands all the time now. that's why a lot of times if you notice on the bands albums the players are always changing from album to album or sometimes they don't even show a picture of the band anymore, because the lineup changes so much. Just the singer. cause sometimes that's the only member that sticks it out. Look at Foo fighters, or Ours. Similar to the whole free agent thing in sports now. where the players don't have that loyalty to their town or to their team, they just take the highest bid. It’s a fucking sad affair in human history. But plenty of people will try their best to try to justify it to you because of “the money.” perpetuating the money myth. Same old story, for thousands of years. its been the bane of our existence since we’ve been here.

So I'm on the road and I'm thinking about all this. Pianoman can barely play with us anymore because he is always working at some club or restaurant. And Infinito, my soul brother, the guy I started the band with, can barely play with us because he is always playing in some cover band, and Vancouver never able to fully commit because he is always doing ten other bands at the same time, and I'm thinking, hold on here. look at the optimizers. About two months ago, I changed the whole corporate structure of the band. Changed the name to just transcendence to make it more of a group vibe, started really incorporating the other members, we started performing and recording some of their songs even, using more of their pictures, etc. but more than that, added them to the corporate structure, whereby they were also considered ‘the artist’ as well as myself.

Most of the time like in the case of the Latin singer, he will be the only ‘artist’ and everyone else will just be paid for shows and that's it so they won't get royalties on album sales etc. but what's more, I also added them all on as songwriters too, so they had yet another income stream from the album sales, so they get artist royalties and songwriter royalties. Even though I usually just walk in with the songs already completed. But you figure hey I want to be a nice guy, you want to do the noble thing always. In all matters. That way if one of your albums takes off and sells millions of copies the boys in your band are totally covered just like yourself and everyone comes out a winner.

O.k. but what if you do that and one of your albums does take off and sell millions but a few months or years before one of the boys in your band already left to go back up whoever and left you guys on the road in Kalamazoo Michigan without a guitarist or whatever because he could make more money. and now he is signed on to make all this money from all the other guys hard work and your songs? [you know, the thing is that to 99% of people being a nice guy or doing the right thing is not their number one priority. You live and you start to realize this, you see it, you experience it. to most people making ends meet, no its not even that, its making big money, that becomes their most important thing. If they can do that and still do the right thing, great. If not, most just don't care. They tell themselves its o.k. whatever I have to do to make that money. as I write this I think to myself that I hope I am not this way but know inside that to a certain degree I am still am. It is something we have to be vigilant about. Watch our true intentions and motivations at all times. (maybe, maybe not, maybe after a while you just reach this point where you are pretty transcended in that respect. Yeah.]

So I'm looking at the optimizers. As soon as I decided to make it a band thing and give all of  that away, the control, the money, the increased spotlight and attention, the songwriting credit, to all the guys in the band, after being a solo artist for so long and having the whole thing about me---then that's when it all imploded...and one by one the guys just started moving farther and farther away, as if it wasn't about them and they didn't care if it was or not, and I began to understand that I was experiencing the Peak Evolution technologies right here in my own life. I was seeing optimizers. I was watching nature work. In action. Have I been holding things back in my life, in my career, in my art!, because of this unacknowledged need to be in a group? To be part of a group? To promote a group thing rather than just my own thing?

G2 had been telling me for five years now just call it Fishy. So has the Stallion. She always told me just use your name. don't call it Transcendence. its you. its your music. G2 always saying bro its all you anyway just call it you. in six months these same guys won't even be in the band anyway. and that shit used to shoot right through me like lightning and make me so uncomfortable. Because I like being in a band. Always have. [looking at it honestly, I just don't think I was ever totally comfortable with myself] but its just not that way anymore. Hard to find guys that want to be in bands. Like for real, all the way, want to be part of bands. Like the three musketeers. Now it seems that its more about the money or the opps that can pop up. and in all fairness people have to work, they have to bring in money, and playing in a rock band doesn’t bring in money most of the time. so its hard to get that group thing to stick. Me I've been one of the lucky ones. I talk to all the other singers around town and they're like man Fishy how do you get your band to stay together for so long? I'm like, man I guess I'm just lucky I guess. And really I'm always feeling bad when one guy or another guy drops out for one reason or another.  but I guess the gas is always greener...

So the writing is on the wall. Little Tree emails me cryptically, out of the blue, “I commit to believing in you until you do.” out of the fucking blue. It tore through me. What did she mean? God who wants to ask a question like that? who wants to open that up that can of worms? Should I scream now or later? I think of all the solo artists that are out there. ones that I like and admire and the ones that I don't like too much either. And I think, ‘How do you come to grips with being on your own as a solo artist?’ just having it all be about you? how do you do that? how do you deal with that attention? And that judgment, good or bad? I have never ever been able to do it. I have always found it very difficult. How do you just put yourself out there and let it all hang out like that? singing in public.

Uggghhh. For me it has always been very hard. Crazy. I love making music. I love making albums. My God do I love making albums. In fact there is really nothing I like more than that. and performing live. Those two things. and snow. Those three things. and being in love. Those four things. But I am realizing now that I was really compromising the whole project in order to stay cocooned in this whole group thing. Really sacrificing a lot of the Transcendence thing. Of  MY whole thing, in order to keep it a group thing.

[I'm working on other things this whole time and processing this in the back of my mind and thinking about it and then coming back here to type more over the last few hours.] It’s a lot to process. The thing is that it feels a lot safer to be a part of a group rather than be a solo artist. I mean I still cringe when I read bad reviews of our work. I laugh too cause I'm pretty well adjusted, but I cringe sometimes too, especially in the beginning stages of an album’s release. I think of guys like George bush or Clinton or any of these democrats running now and I honestly don't see how they do it. put up with all the trash that is said about them. o.k. but enough of that.

the question is this: been thinking about it for weeks now. what is Transcendence then? I mean if the group is always changing, and people are always coming in and coming out, then what is it? could it be that I am just going to have to accept that in the end its just me? [makes you think of jethro tull being just Ian Anderson, or world party one of my favorites just being Karl wallinger or ours just being jimmy gnecko or wings just being Paul and Linda—you can go on and on with this game...] Is it enough that it is just me? I mean Transcendence on our new album Nothing is cohesive is totally different than Sleep with you, same group of guys except the drummers constantly shifted throughout the entire recording process but same group, sleep with you which is totally different than Rise and shine, and guys came in and out between those albums. and on and on and on. It is this concept.

You know, for me, its just about the music. And me I'm in the center of it almost like a film director I guess just trying to steer the whole thing to be the absolute best it can be. The music, the statement as a whole, the work of art, this is what I am loyal too. above and beyond anything else. This is the God that I feel like I am serving. Ever since I was a kid. That its not about me. its about the work of art that you are creating. You are crafting something magnificent. You are making magic. Like a movie. Wow. Writing that just really gave me a sense of relief. I really feel better all of a sudden. Wow... it really is like making movies. Being a director. and you think about them, and you hear the stories about these movies, how actors are in and then they're out and then in again, and on and on. And that's what its like, being a recording artist. and if you're solo, like say someone like Cher or Madonna or Rufus or Caetano, you just go with that flow, maybe every album is different, different producers, different players. Personally I've always hated that, the different players aspect. I think I'm just too social to enjoy it. I like making friends and forming long bonds, that type of thing.

But you know, I think that's it in a nutshell. What is this thing called Transcendence that I have been trying to nail down for so long? man, I think its me. and the group of girls or guys that come together in any given moment to make the music that comes out of us. And I think I have to accept that now. and honestly, if I could keep this same group of guys we have together right now forever, I would. Split everything fifty/fifty and just go for it all of us together forever as a group. Like the Strokes who I just absolutely love, even though everyone seems to love to hate them around me. But if some guy is just not cutting it, or if he leaves for whatever reason, I guess I need to start realizing that that's not the end of Transcendence. that's just that guy leaving. And I need not to take it so personally. Just bid him or her farewell and bless them and acknowledge everything they’ve contributed to the group. Cause maybe its bigger than me. and them. and my personal feelings. And I'm just the director... and my job is just to direct it and make sure it’s the absolute best it can be. no matter who comes in or who leaves. Man, that's not my archetype. I came into this real young with the whole Beatles archetype, but you know, that's not it now. I'm not the Beatles. I'm me.

And maybe its even more magical to discover your own thing, that's just totally you and your whole thing rather than come in with a set archetype anyway and always be trying to match that. I'm smiling now. I think I got it. easy? Nah. Hurts. Cause I love the guys in the band. Stro leaving affected me. (but without him leaving I never would have met father Bloopy and he has had a significant influence on our music) Infinito never being able to play shows hurt me, the kid is like my brother. Piano man never being able to play shows, forget about it, its not easy, he’s the musical director of the group and without him it just seems like a joke when he's not up there with us. You want your boys up there with you. Just like I loved the last group of guys. But in the end, I'm happy with the music we’ve made. and in the end end end, that's why we’re doing it, is for the music.

O.k. a few hours later now. Thinking more about it. you know what happens is sometimes you just sincerely doubt your own ability to lead something all on your own and make it the best that it can be. you wanna have that group vibe, so yea there's always going to be a desire to have other people around you coming up with ideas and contributing. But here's the deal. I mentioned the strokes up there a few hours ago and saw them on Conan O'Brian show recently, but more important than that read interviews with them in guitar player mag, and they are so young and innocent, really just starting out on guitar you know. its precious. And I'm a huge fan of them. I love their sound and vibe. But after thinking about this stuff all day I just had this realization in the kitchen that there's just no way that if I was in a band like the strokes like I said I wanted to be in a few paragraphs up, you know together forever... I never would have been able to make the Rise and shine album. it would have been more of a group thing, whatever we the group would have been able to do. and the band we are now wouldn’t have been able to make the album. just totally different worlds. But at the same time, after the extreme eclecticism and variety of rise and shine I was dying just to make pure balls out rock music. Simple and fun and pure and rocking. And we did it. and we did it because the group evolved into that kind of a group, that earnestly and honestly and genuinely could create that kind of a work of art. because the rise and shine lineup couldn’t have made sleep with you so genuinely. Nor this new one we’re making now. so there's a certain magic to it I think. if I can just get myself used to the members floating in and out. Get more in tune with the flow of it.

O.k. a few more hours now. so jacked up on Ripped Fuel from my work out, cannot sleep. I found this doing some research on something else but it seems rather apropos:
“This is the story of Five For Fighting, which is, at the moment, an alias—a pen name, for singer, pianist, guitarist, satirist and commentator John Ondrasik. “What it is,” says Ondrasik of another way of looking at Five For Fighting, “is a group of people, musicians and non-musicians, working passionately to realize these songs and ideas.”
But to be clear, it’s more than that.
“It’s always stood as a metaphor for battling through this giant beast that is the music business, and working to get your songs heard, while still remaining non-trivial and honest.”

Interesting...