[a serious sacrifice you say? Uh yeah, giving up sex in order to be monogamous with a women you haven't even met yet? I would say... that's pretty fucking serious... its not just that you idiot. you aren't just doing it for her. Be real with yourself for once. You're doing it because you are finally growing up. you are doing it to honor yourself. 

You are becoming an honorable person, whether you like it or not.... well whatever. it still sucks. Giving up sex no matter what the reason is just sucks... for God sakes its sex. what could be more important than sex? O.k. lets see. Quick, most important things in the world. Oh that's easy. Sex. no seriously. I'm being serious. [my God I'm doing it again. a total fucking conversation with myself. And I have to listen to this conversation. So I'm listening to this conversation? Who then is me? if I'm having a conversation with myself and I'm listening to this same conversation at the same time... holy shit. Is this what they meant in college when we studied schizophrenia? So that's my fucking problem. Well that explains a lot. Holy shit I'm doing it again.... fucking Christ. I'm a fucking schitzo. Well at least we know now. who the fuck is we? Someone make a note. 

On this date, this year, this moment, Fishy finally realizes that he is fucking nutcase... I could have told you that all along. Can you please shut up so we can continue? ] O.k. so where we were we? Oh yeah the most important things in the world to humans.... that's easy: To men, its sex, to women its money. no go deeper. Don't be an asshole. Fine. Most important things: of all time? THE MOST important??? Yes. o.k. number one definitely freedom. Or love. Maybe they're tied for first place. would you rather be free and have no love in your life or be loved but like be in prison or something? me? neither. I'd rather die in either case... right. of course. Me too. of course you would. You are me. and I am you. Remember? Yeah I know but just play along. Its easier that way. just go with the flow bro... But if you had to choose. I would choose being free and trying to find a way to love myself. Brilliant answer. Thank you. You’re welcome. To me freedom by far would be the most important thing. Ah yes you say that. But you are freer now than you have ever been and you are dying as you say from a lack of love. Yes that is true I am seriously fucking dying. O.k. so what if you could have love in your life but you had to like work a regular nine to five job that you hated like everyone else? I don't know man, tough call. That would slowly kill me too. Total lack of freedom there. Or even worse, what if you had to be in prison for this love? Easy, I would rather have my freedom... o.k. so what's next. You got freedom and love. What else? Money. Second place is definitely money. And then what? Health. You're putting money above health? O.k. maybe not. Maybe money and health are tied for second place then. You and your fucking ties for everything. you never want to choose a favorite. I'm a Libra. What can I say? That's just the way that I am. Yeah you say that but think about Christopher reeve. Don't even tell me for a second that he would choose money over being able to walk again. o.k. fine, health second and then money third. O.k. so what's next? God who really cares after that. if you have freedom and love and money and health... who fucking cares after that...]



[God this Fishy character is making me go insane. When do I get to turn into Tobias Guess? Fishy is totally insane. You are fishy you idiot. Yeah I know, but still, when do we turn into Tobias. He's so much cooler... Fishy’s a total crackpot.]

I guess what it is is just that this whole search for meaning thing has really set itself deep inside of me, into all the different facets of my life, even into my heart and my sex life. the strange dichotomy still, where every girl you meet or you see you hope is the one, and yet at the same time I am finally after all these years just starting to fall in love with myself for the very first time. I am just starting to feel happy to be me, I mean really happy to be me. comfortable in my own skin. Really excited about touring with the band and seeing a lot of things and playing for people. And really happy to travel the world more than anything. I would like to live in different parts of the world every year, but not like some wealthy American tourist like everyone else, but do it the cool way, go to school early in the morning everyday and learn the language and really immerse into the culture. Become a part of the culture. Like in the old days where a man really becomes a man of the world. Can speak like fifty languages and has pygmies over to his house for a plate of ants and live worms. That type of thing. I think I'm on my way to that already. I just didn't know it because I was so into just being me that I never stopped to look at me from afar until recently.

Today I met this really cute girl named Flavia from Sao Paulo and I was speaking Portuguese with her and she was very happy because she has only been here four months and was so happy to find an American here who speaks Portuguese (not that I do because I am truly an idiot at it) but I was looking at it from afar. I've got good control over four languages now (English of course is the easy one). if I start going at French at the first of the year and end up in France by mid-summer for a few months... I will be one step closer to it. And then as I said go live in Africa and then Israel, or vice versa. And then go for an Asian language, most likely Chinese since that is the largest immerging market in the world and will continue to be for the few decades. You know, you keep studying stuff, you keep learning and before you know it, you are that ‘renaissance man/man’s man/man of the world’ that we always used to read about it and see in the old movies when we were kids. Or at least just a very happy and well read dilettante.

But that wasn't the point. The point is that now when I am finally at this stage when my heart is ready and willing and actually unable to allow myself to experience anything else but to meet and settle down with the woman of my dreams, I am starting to realize that now would be the least opportune time for me to meet her because I want to spend the next few years or decades roaming the earth and exploring mankind and the world and all of its treasures and that is no life to give to your Princess or to your children, right? [well then again, maybe she will be the same way on her own, and we can just meet up every now and then in some strange part of the world for a few days to refuel with each others love and then go our separate ways again. that would truly be ideal. [how thoroughly unromantic I know, but perhaps not—perhaps for a soul such as mine, that would be the ideal) Find a real adventurous super hero girl who is just as curious and ravenously adventurous and ambitious as I am. Now that would be a super-hero girl.]