Last screening: The John Denver story. This Christmas I will go to Colorado to spend some time in the snow and board. Remember that astrologer telling me that astro-cartography indicates that Colorado is the place in the continental United States where I will feel the most comfortable and happy and inspired. There was a lot of footage of Colorado in the film. Vermont and new Hampshire are still my winter home, but after seeing this film Colorado could be it. and I need that because when I think of Vermont I think of Cleopatra and when I think of Cleo I feel sad. And I don't want to feel sad anymore. [note—in the building found all of our photo albums of our whole relationship. She had stored them all there in various boxes. The boxes weren't even sealed anymore. I looked through them with some friends. You could see this slow transition from the beginning of the albums when we were so young and happy and innocent and in love and then though the middle years and then towards the end neither of us look happy. [I want to write about this later—what precipitated that—and what can make you stay in something like that? I guess for me – I can’t speak for her --- but I just felt so in love all the time even though I was unhappy I just kept telling myself that it would get better. I felt like if I left it then I wouldn’t be a real man. I'm sure some of that came from me and Beaver’s father leaving us when we were young. I didn't want to do that or be that. So I just kind of hunkered down and said I'm going to stick this out no matter how hard it gets and plus I never really fell out of love with Cleo.

Even though I was unhappy with a lot of what was going on, I think I just was always in love with her. My eyes wandered sure, but she was still the number one to me. I'm sure she told herself the same thing. But boy did we look unhappy in the last few pages of pictures though.] so yes Colorado this year. and yes you can be declined by every major record label in the world for years and be John fucking Denver. And so that helped me seeing that. Having to constantly remind myself who I am at this point in my career. Cause when you're not making huge bank its easy to forget who you are and what you’re all about. Its easy to lose sight of your own belief in yourself. It takes a lot of strength and courage and will. Will man. Fucking will. And what I am doing and what I am about. Hey have I got my fill of being an underground/indie/cult hero/icon yet? [God who am I kidding. I have like three fucking fans. What is that? That’s not even an underground indie cult hero. More like an under-underground unhero.] Am I ready to move on to the next level? Hey if it comes with a little more money and security then hell yeah, and I know the other guys in the band feel the same way.