Realizing more and more each day that this idea of happiness, the being there now, rather than later, is up to us, not some other external forces outside of ourselves. Really its just up to us.

quick now because its past 2am and I'm tired and have French class in the morning. O.k. lets say your goal is just to be happy. really happy. or say its to have money. loads of money. or to have true love. In a nutshell that sums it up for most of us humans here now. at this time in our evolution. Still, after all these thousands of years its still coming down to food shelter money love health and happiness, same old. Now you may just being going through your day not even thinking about that stuff because your so fucking busy or you're telling yourself that you are, that you may never think about what you really want out of life.

every now and then it might occur to you. man I wish I had that boat. Or man I wish I had true love. Or man I wish I could live the life I've always wanted to... and then immediately after that is when you are gong to find the thoughts that are creating the life that you are currently living, rather than the one that you really want in your heart of hearts. Its in that moment, the after thoughts, that you have to pay attention to. and that's not easy because those are the thoughts that we take the most seriously. those are the thoughts that are being created by the beliefs that we hold that are creating the life we are currently living.

What I've started to do now is just live like a fucking machine. As if I'm neo from the matrix. Constantly reprogramming myself. Mainly using Avatar or Tony Robbins or Sedona method techniques. Twenty four hours a day. you see, if loads of money is what you want. And who doesn’t. then you have to have that as your mantra. That has to be with you all day. some people aren't even there yet. they're just trying to create ‘I have enough money’. and that's cool. that's where they're at in their thinking. in their beliefs.

But you make this whatever it is for you your mantra. And its with you all day. you repeat it constantly. You are reprogramming your thinking. its really that simple. Every time you say watch what pops up in your mind. Observe lovingly the thoughts that pop up right afterwards. Those are the beliefs that are on auto-pilot in your thinking. and those are what you have to get rid of in order to create what you really want. Because of the confidential nature of all three of the methods that I just spoke about above, I can’t say what to do from here to let go of or discreate these beliefs that you have that you don't want to have. but all three of these techniques are available by just taking these courses.

I'm not a teacher anyway. I'm just talking for myself here. what I've found for me though is that if I grab at those thoughts that pop in that are opposite of what I want, like say I feel bad that our new CD is not charting at number one yet and I start thinking thoughts like oh woe is me I guess people just don't like this new CD of ours. I guess we’ll just have to try it again with the next album... normally the tendency is to take that thought seriously... give into it. but the key is not to give into it but instead to grab at it and whip it till its gone. Till its out of your consciousness completely. Don't resist that thought. Because then it just sticks around. you have to grab it and accept it as your thought and acknowledge that you are thinking it and creating through it but instead of keeping it you fucking let it go. you say goodbye to it. use whatever method works best for you. but don't give into it. I'll tell you this much, whoever you are, you do need a technique. So for me I will share that either of three that I mentioned above work the best from what I've found so far for discreating of or letting go of beliefs that don't serve us. all three are great. So I highly recommend taking the courses to get the data and the techniques down. You have to start somewhere. You don't start driving a car without learning how to drive a car, right? you don't become a great guitar player by not learning how to play the guitar. You have to learn how to create and how to discreate....

This is working unbelievably for me the last few weeks. I am feeling like a new person. everyday more email more letters more calls more abundance coming in. more confidence. More happiness. More smiling. More skipping happy go lucky down the streets of the great city that never sleeps. The thing is that I never stop now. I am constantly focused on what I want. During the day. at night as I am falling asleep. And as soon as I wake up I am thinking about it and focusing on it and doing things about it. a careful balance between doing exercises and using techniques to restructure my consciousness and taking deliberate action in the moment to make something happen. again, its like a martial arts movie I'm living.

Another thing I notice is working really well is that if I think of something that I want, if I notice it in my heart, I ask myself well what does that look like? What does that mean to me? so I grab a pen and I start writing or I just start typing whatever comes to my mind. I just let go in the moment and flow with it. write down whatever that looks like to me. that way its right there on paper right in your face. That's what you want. So now you know. its clear to your subconscious and conscious mind.

Current spin: Bright eyes, digital ash in a digital urn. Don't get it yet. I know this wasn't the one to buy if you were looking to get Conor. But it read like the closest thing I would dig. Sounds like someone with free studio time goofing off with songs they didn't want to put on their “real” album. Which from what we've been told is what it is. but not so worth the listen the first time around. but I'm going to give it another go because the artwork is really cool. I might buy his earlier stuff. God there is just so much shitty music coming out of American these days that its just really fucking depressing.

Last screening: to have and to have not. starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren bacall. At first I wasn't getting it. so scripted and tongue and cheek. But after a while it gets under your skin.

Current spin: MUSE, absolution. GODS! Take everything that Jeff Buckley hinted that he might have been and Thom yorke was and its all wrapped nicely here in this tight little three piece out of the UK called MUSE. Great album if you like queen or really good brit-pop.

Current spin: 50 cent. Massacre. Like it, because I dig the way that he flows. I just love his style. But its all guns and killing and drugs and money and hos and bitches. Very low-consciousness, primitive ape shit unfortunately. Which is too bad because he obviously has a big flu on the kids. Maybe as he grows he will grow up as well. music wise it offers that same orchestral pop meets hop vibe that his last two did. and he even sings a bit on it.

New York is snowing now. We have a blizzard here. it has not stopped snowing since 4pm. It is now 10pm. Everywhere you look it is covered in white.... it is quite beautiful. I am sitting in the window box of my bedroom as I do every night with the window open, smoking a cigar and typing and the snowflakes are flying in and landing all over me and my trusty old laptop. It is quite magical. Of course my fingers are freezing... but there is a real joy in the air.

Dasher and I talk about it tonight over a few drinks and a few hits of the water bongs at this underground Moroccan club after a movie. I share with him that people in the rest of the country always wish me a short and warm winter when we are speaking... but I tell them that I would like one or two more blistering blizzardly weeks covered in white. There is something about it that I like very much. Without it, the year does not feel complete... one or two just wouldn’t do. and one can perceive that most people in the city agree by the level of joy and exuberance you feel in the air from everyone all around you in the street and in the stores and on the subways. Remember, that the population here is a whopping 27,000 people per square mile. By far the most dense city in America. And People here are very happy when it snows. Its cold. And I keep slipping on the slippery sidewalks every few minutes. And the cold snow hitting my face as I walk is a tad uncomfortable and frustrating, I must admit. But still... there is something very special about a real winter versus what many other cities and towns experience as winter in the world.

Dasher immediately fills with light and energy when discussing it. “snow is good luck man. When it snows its good luck...” “you believe that?” I ask him. ”Oh yeah man. Can’t you feel it?” “Yes I suppose I do... its magic isn't it?” “Its so many things. its warm and comforting. It makes the city clean, its this comforting white blanket that makes everything seem o.k. for a while... like a fresh start... for us all.” “Yes Dasher. I couldn’t agree with you more.”

I am so lucky in the family I have now. today I toasted everyone at breakfast, explaining that I live a very fast paced and crazy lifestyle, all flash and hype and sex and drugs and rock and roll and all that other stuff that we love to hate and hate to love so much, but that I appreciate everyone sooooo much for who they are and that I am so lucky to have them as my family. My life is not all bad, I admit; it could certainly be worse. But its stressful, and its very unreal. Not very substantive in a lot of ways. Beav and I talked about it last night in the car on the way home, how different our lifestyles are. He wondered how I looked at his life through my eyes. he thought that I must think its horrible and boring, but I told him I admired it. He told me how much he admired the life that I live. How he lives vicariously through me. “dude you’ve been all over the world. singing and playing concerts and studying and adding to that collection of girls...” “Dude this year I had Italian, Indian, Syrian, and Turkish and that's not counting the professionals.... ha ha...” ““You're sick man. You’re a freak. Don't tell mom that. you know how she hates that. But that's what I mean. You go liiiiiiive in these foreign countries and sit in classrooms and learn their languages just because you fucking feel like it. I don't think I have the balls for that but I envy it. A lot. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything but I wish that I was living that way sometimes....’

“Well I wish that I was living the way you live bro. You’ve been married to the same girl for what? ten years. and you still are in love with her. although I can’t see how...” “Shut up man.” “Dude I'm only kidding. But I love the way you live. I want that so much for myself. you have two beautiful daughters and you have an awesome corporate job with an endless expense account. Every time I call you you're eating steak and drinking expensive wine. That's the life. You're making six figures a year and you're the boss of how many people? a hundred or something crazy like that and most of those people are in their fifties? and you're barely thirty years old? Dude I fucking love that.  You did it. that's the American dream. And you did it.” “I'm blessed bro,” Beav tells me. “and so are you man. You know how many people would love to live the life that you live? Your only responsibility is to write songs and record albums and write in those freaky diaries of yours. And you get paid to do it. you read anything you want to read and bag all those babes. I'm going to do that in my next life man.... I'm coming back as you.” “well I'm going to live your life in my next lifetime bro. I wish I was doing it now actually. I'm tired Beav. this lifestyle is hard. Its hard on the soul man. You know what I mean? The pressure, the loneliness, the stress, the schedule, the weird hours, the people who say one thing but mean another...” “I know. I can only imagine bro. I think about you a lot. You suffer me. I worry about you. too often. I don't know how you live so crazy. no family and no schedule and no routine. Don't you get lonely?” “yeah man. Why do you think I come hang out with you guys two or three times a year? I don't think a person could live the kind of life I live without having a homebase like I have with you guys without going insane. But I try to keep a schedule for myself. That's why I go to an office everyday when we aren't on the road. what kind of fucking singers have offices? Everyone always asks me that. But that's my way of trying to live a semi-normal life. you dig?” “Yeah I figured that...”

“You guys are my foundation. You're what keeps me alive and stops me from going crazy. you know how many people in my industry are fucking totally over the edge? I am so lucky I have you guys as a foundation to always come home to when I need to.” “I would guess a lot of people in your industry don't have that kind of thing to fall back on.” “They don't man. Some do. But a lot don't. and they're fucked up. and they still do a lot of drugs and drink a lot and you can see how unhealthy they are when you're hanging with them. not just in their body but also in their minds and hearts. You can see how they don't have that foundation underneath them. why do you think so many of them die or fade away at such a young age. They have this cynicism that is unbearable to be around if you are a happy person. not that I don't have it sometimes but you know, overall, I'm pretty happy...” “You are pretty cynical bro.” “Yeah I know, but not in that way. I'm just cynical about the things that we’re supposed to be cynical about. Like government and religion. Anyway, every year some rocker dies and those are just the famous ones that we hear about. probably a lot more die that we never hear about. that's rock and roll. that's why I come hang out with you guys every year. to remind me what its all about. and so I don't fucking die frankly. I may talk a lot about not believing in religion and the government and all that, but you notice that I don't mind going to church with you guys on Christmas.” “I notice it.” “yeah man. I dig it. I hate it because I long for us to get more truthful, you know?” “Yeah I dig what you're saying bro.” “But I want to believe. I see the benefit in it. I see how happy you guys are. I wish I could be more like that. I envy that kind of innocence. I wish I didn't know everything that I know sometimes honestly. It would be easier. When you live a worldly life you discover so much more. Its hard to come back down and just live the blind life.” “we’re not blind bro.” “You know what I mean man. You just choose not to pay attention to anything important.” “We choose to pay attention to things that are important to us... Like our family and our jobs. those things are important. You just don't know that yet, because you have neither.” “Ouch. O.k. whatever man. I have a job. And I have a family.” “But you know what I mean... you think because we aren't out in the streets protesting to save the fucking forests that we aren't smart... but we are. we keep track of what's going on in the world. maybe just not as much as you freaks. But I wouldn’t want to be so informed as you and the people in your world. I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I would just want to kill myself.” “My point exactly bro. that's what I'm saying... I'm not trying to offend you. I'm just saying you learn too much about the way things really are when you travel the world and that jades you... you see the way things really are and you can’t go back.”

“I know man. I'm with you bro. I know what you know. But I just choose not to think about it. I can’t. I have two babies to think about and my wife. I can’t think about those things.” “I know man. And you shouldn’t. because once you start learning this shit you can’t go back. you can never go back into the mainstream once you get to the other side and see how things really are. Its fucking impossible. I don't care how much you want to. You're always going to be on the outside looking in and wondering if you stepped out too far... wondering how to get back in without a lobotomy...” “You ever think you're going to get back in?” “No bro. not a chance. I'm too far gone now. way too far gone. But I don't mind. I like where I'm at.” “But you're not lonely?” “Dude you'd be surprised how many people are out on the edge of the mainstream now. its not just the lone freaks anymore. There's so many people now who are just fucking sick of the fake real world that the real world has turned into. So they’re out there on the edge of it all creating new worlds for themselves. Its awe inspiring.”

Last screening: The John Denver story. This Christmas I will go to Colorado to spend some time in the snow and board. Remember that astrologer telling me that astro-cartography indicates that Colorado is the place in the continental United States where I will feel the most comfortable and happy and inspired. There was a lot of footage of Colorado in the film. Vermont and new Hampshire are still my winter home, but after seeing this film Colorado could be it. and I need that because when I think of Vermont I think of Cleopatra and when I think of Cleo I feel sad. And I don't want to feel sad anymore. [note—in the building found all of our photo albums of our whole relationship. She had stored them all there in various boxes. The boxes weren't even sealed anymore. I looked through them with some friends. You could see this slow transition from the beginning of the albums when we were so young and happy and innocent and in love and then though the middle years and then towards the end neither of us look happy. [I want to write about this later—what precipitated that—and what can make you stay in something like that? I guess for me – I can’t speak for her --- but I just felt so in love all the time even though I was unhappy I just kept telling myself that it would get better. I felt like if I left it then I wouldn’t be a real man. I'm sure some of that came from me and Beaver’s father leaving us when we were young. I didn't want to do that or be that. So I just kind of hunkered down and said I'm going to stick this out no matter how hard it gets and plus I never really fell out of love with Cleo.

Even though I was unhappy with a lot of what was going on, I think I just was always in love with her. My eyes wandered sure, but she was still the number one to me. I'm sure she told herself the same thing. But boy did we look unhappy in the last few pages of pictures though.] so yes Colorado this year. and yes you can be declined by every major record label in the world for years and be John fucking Denver. And so that helped me seeing that. Having to constantly remind myself who I am at this point in my career. Cause when you're not making huge bank its easy to forget who you are and what you’re all about. Its easy to lose sight of your own belief in yourself. It takes a lot of strength and courage and will. Will man. Fucking will. And what I am doing and what I am about. Hey have I got my fill of being an underground/indie/cult hero/icon yet? [God who am I kidding. I have like three fucking fans. What is that? That’s not even an underground indie cult hero. More like an under-underground unhero.] Am I ready to move on to the next level? Hey if it comes with a little more money and security then hell yeah, and I know the other guys in the band feel the same way.

The new Hofner 1968 guitar sounds very special. Old style boxy sound to it. I'm playing it almost exclusively now, that and the Sheraton. Both tuned to the open G tuning. Working on a new song on it, which is just amazingly subtle and beautiful and sexy. back and forth between typing and playing and singing, a little typing, a little singing and playing and writing. It is a good way to spend the day. Sent out lots of Christmas cards this year. Finally finished. 

Went to a party tonight. Before I comment I just want to say that I just played the new song in open G when I got home. no lyrics yet. And I am so in love with it. There is just nothing like this feeling. Of when you are in that first stage of capturing a new song and it hasn’t been worked out all the way yet, and you're still playing with it, listening to it, bending and shaping it. its just a wonderful sensation you get. it’s a feeling of excitement and wonder. And it stays with you all day and night. and you hear the song non stop in your mind 24 hours a day. I wanted to write about it, not like I haven't a million times before, because I just wish that it would stay with you. but it doesn’t. that feeling doesn’t stay around for a long time. After a few weeks after the song has been totally worked out the songs lose their ability to impact me on a deep level. The novelty of the song being new and mysterious wears off. Veronica or beautiful one are perfect examples. When I wrote those songs I was so in love with them I couldn’t stop playing them. Shira and Little Tree were the same way. just totally in love with them. God I love that. it makes me feel reconciled. Makes me feel content and happy being me for a brief moment. When I am in the depth of passion for a new song. Makes me feel alive. Kind of justified. But it is interesting how that novelty passes soon after. And then you wait for a new song to pop its head into your consciousness. Luckily I get them a lot. A few a week. Its an endless flow. But not all of them make you feel as good as the really special ones do. this new one...

So yeah, the word for the night has been meaning. Shit, the word of the month, of the year. but again, God fucking forbid if meaning turns out to be just love or romance. God help me if it is. like I said, I know that's there, and I know it’s a wonderful trip, but there has to be something more than just romantic love between two people, more than family, more than religions, something really meaningful that is pure and singular and doesn’t involve pro-creation or humanity in any way. or maybe even life as we know it. something that transcends life. [see? That's where you catch everybody, right there. even the science people, because at that point everyone is like ‘well he really is just a fucking madman then. Because what else is there besides life? I mean life is what its all about. that is the meaning of life. Its life itself.’ And so help me God if that's all there is to it then this is a real waste of fucking life. for all of us. life for the sake of more life? and that's it? I know it sounds crazy, but there has to be more to it. I think that would just suck if that was it.]

Went to Churchill's to see some music. Heading out in the hard rain at midnight. I needed to pound some whiskey and whoop it up with other like minded people. hard week. non stop work. Unbearable hours. I had no idea what owning and running a record company was like. I had done it for four years now but always with a three person staff. It’s different now. Just me and the designers and independent promotions people. 

DC3 is officially the band of 2003. They were just amazing. Had the whole crowd in their hand. Awesome. 

The artisan calls. We talk till about 4:30 am. I reveal to her that I have been so frustrated the last few months. I tell her I have seriously contemplated ending my life if I cannot make money making music. Of course I was a bit drunk. Not in a bad way I told her. Because I'm not upset or anything and I wouldn’t do it in like a woe is me poor me I'm so sad kind of way but more in like a o.k. this sucks I'm a pretty happy person in general and just don't feel like struggling with this anymore and I've made some awesome albums over the last few years so I think ill just decide to end it all now. better to go out with a bang after making what you consider just totally awesome inspiring and fulfilling works of art, rather than getting stuck in some job working for somebody doing something that you don't even like. For me personally I think that would be worse than death. In fact, you know, lets be honest, death for the person who dies is not a bad thing at all. In fact, it’s a nothing thing. After all, you're dead. Its just bad for the people who are still around. But for me, death would just be an easier way than say having to work at something that I didn't enjoy everyday and worse than that have to pretend to dress a certain way that's not you or pretend to act like you’re not you and all that. You know, I just feel completely beyond pretending to be someone I'm not. And I know that a lot of people do that with their lives because they feel like they have to, but for me, I just would rather not.