You know for me, the last year or two hasn’t been easy. In my career I’ve had more success than we ever have before. can’t complain about that. I don't mean it in that way. I mean, its probably obvious to everyone but me. somehow between rise and shine and sleep with you, things changed. Lately for some strange reason people have been bringing up the rise and shine album a lot to me, as if God is trying to remind me of something with that. people pulling it out and playing it for me, or writing to us about it. I heard it the other day, for the first time in a year or two. I got it. I understood I think what it was telling me. you know, when I made rise and shine I made it because I loved music. I loved the songs I was writing at the time. I was very in love with music and with culture. There was no commercial intention behind the album. it was just love and spirit. Somewhere after that, the idea of commercial set in, the idea of our music being a commodity had set in and we were swept off our feet. Commercial was the word of the day. Everyday. Everyone has this attitude about the music business that it is so difficult and you have to work so hard. And there is a tremendous pressure to ‘be commercial.’ To fit in somewhere. When we made rise and shine it was obvious to everyone that we didn't fit in anywhere. But we were cool with that. I didn't care because I was so happy doing what we did. Then that changed.

You know, you start listening to the mainstream ‘powers that be’ and you start second guessing yourself a bit I guess. I started caring about the commercial aspects of what we did. I think that comes through in sleep with you. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. sleep with you has far outsold rise and shine already, so that's a marvelous thing. but it did something else to me. you know, it kind of overtook me. it wasn't until this week—these two or three marvelous events: reconnecting with Juliet and her soulful radiating spirit coming in to remind me that life is good, life is beautiful Fishy she reminds with every line, as if I don't remember that and need to be reminded of it all of a sudden; and then all these reminders coming in about the rise and shine album and listening to it again for the first time; and then of course, seeing this concert for George. Remembering what it is all about. Seeing that this will be the last diary entry of Fishy, I don't mind writing this. But it has been very hard to balance the artist and dreamer in me with the ambitious rock star who wants this massive success. I haven't been happy in a year or more, largely because of this struggle. When I would joke that the ambassador was dead, you know, there was some truth to it. I just couldn’t find him within me anywhere.

The truth is that the ambassador just doesn’t give a shit about the commercial potential of any of this. And that's a part of me. a big part. I just don't care about that half as much as I should. Or half as much as I tell myself I should. But another part of me cares tremendously. Its all I think about sometimes. I can feel the death all around me. for months now. Ever since the return from Europe this autumn. I have been a dead man walking. I have done my absolute best to hide it and deny it. but I am no longer here. my body is. but my heart isn't in it. hasn’t been for months. The level of bullshit and pretense in the music biz is just tremendous. And for me, and maybe this is just me, its become an unbearable burden to bear. The lust for success and the competitiveness. My thing has always been traveling and studying and learning and turning that into song when I could. I just want to record my albums and perform concerts when I can. I mean that's what I signed up for. But all the in-between bullshit, the day to day of it... it is crushing the very thing within me which it is supposed to be supporting. My soul feels as if it is caving in from the pressure of it all. you know that when i was making rise and shine I was very very happy, and I will never forget reading this one music editor in a letter to our publicist who said that “Fishy is a great guy, but I feel that this album is too good-vibey and too touchy feely positive message for my tastes so I'm not going to review it, rather than trashing it.” That was the beginning. I read it over and over again. I didn't get it. I didn't get why she didn't get it. and since then... the bigger we get the harder it gets to find the spirit radiating within me for the pure joy of music that I once felt. The success pressure kind of ruins that. But you know, I don't want it to. I love the music too much. There is so much more that I want to do. cannot wait to begin this new harder-edged album we have been rehearsing. And after that I would like to dive deeper into African and Indian music more and create a follow-up to rise and shine. deeper. I feel that I am at a crossroads with it though, with the struggle between the pure art of it and the commerce aspect of it. I pray everyday for the understanding and for the balance. I was all ready to move to New York and sort of begin anew and then these tours came about. which is an amazing thing for us. so I'm going to stick around and get the band ready for them. and I'm going to give it my all. I promise that. We owe it to ourselves. And to the fans. And to the huge organization of people that have sprung up around us. but something must change. I am not sure exactly what it is. but something... I am sure it is within me. an attitude. An understanding. so when it is said that Fishy dies, its not a murder or anything like that, like I thought it might be. It’s voluntary. Its just the passing of the spirit to another. I know it sounds strange. Killing yourself off to find yourself. But I don't think I have a choice in it. I probably should have done it months ago.