Softening - What Makes Certain Songs So Special

June 5 at 8:02pm via iPhone 

StuGuru commented: "Dude I'm digging 'Softening' on iPod in my car. Nice, Til."

Thanks man. Sincerely one of my all time favs. As you well know, every new song we write is "awesome"... until a few days pass. Then reality sinks in and that new song gets put in its proper place amongst all the others. Some seem later a darn near total waste of time and energy they're so bad. But most fall into that 'fair to alright' category. Then there are those very rare super special ones that just won't stop being awesome no matter how much time passes or how many times we listen to them. 'Softening' is like that for me. So I'm glad to read you say that. It is quite incredible in a car. True that. Strangely enough, for whatever reason (i know the other guys tend to feel the same way), the Nothing Is Cohesive album seems to have more of those "special songs" on it than any of the others we released thus far. (I say "released" because we've still not released two others that have already been recorded, and I dare say that both of them might compete with NIC once they're released). Again, for me only, personally as a listener I tend to still like more songs on this particular album than any of our others. "Somebody kill the DJ' 'Caetano' 'All this is beginning to feel like an ending' 'Tomorrow' 'Softening' 'Bored' 'Cleopatra Ecstasy'... every single one of those falls into that "holy crap that's awesome" category for me. What was it? Just the song choice? We always have hundreds to choose from... and usually we do choose good ones. But i do think it was that Sir Basil; there's hardly a bad song on the album. (one might ask at this point "well why would anyone put a "bad" song on their album in the first place?" The answer to that is "they wouldn't. no one does. we just don't know it's a bad song when we are recording. We are fooled by the allure of the newness of the song into thinking it is good... only to discover later that it wasn't that great) But more than just good song choosing, i also think it was "the sound" and "the vibe of the band"... that made that album so seemingly chock full of great songs and tasty.

Nothing Is Cohesive was certainly our most critically acclaimed album to date. It was A+ and five stars across the board; it appeared on "short lists" and went out to "taste makers lists" -- something you work your whole career to attain. And that felt great. Both Rise and Shine, and the Sleep With You album had their fair share of poor reviews. NIC didn't receive one. Part of that was because we were so free recording that album. With Rise and Shine we had a definite agenda to "push the boundaries as far as we could, push the envelope as far as possible" in terms of what could be accepted as "popular music", adding all the different 'World Music' styles into it and throwing everything in but the kitchen sink. And with Sleep With You I personally as the singer and songwriter had a definite agenda of then trying to disprove all the critical hype that I was a "starry-eyed New Age optimist that had never lived the rock 'n' roll life style", that I "had just floated in on a cloud and a dream and saw the world through rose colored glasses." I didn't think that image fit the whole me. So looking back I think I missed the mark a bit by over-shooting on that one. But with Nothing Is Cohesive, we didn't have any agenda other than simply trying to create "the best damn album of the year" or "of all time." I mean, we really were just five guys in a band trying to do our absolute best to write and record great music. THAT vibe soaked through us, soaked through our instruments, and soaked into the beat up old computer that Vancouver used to run Pro-Tools while he primitively attempted to record what we were laying down in his rehearsal space in the garage of his mom's house. That's how primitive the surroundings were and I really think it helped.

The other thing WAS the SOUND. We did sound great. As a band. By that point we had been recording and performing and touring regularly for five straight years. So we had our shit together big time in terms of being a tight unit as a band. We could read each others' minds, musically speaking. I was still writing as vociferously as I always do. anywhere from five to ten songs a week is the norm. So the song choices were a combination between the newest of the new, such as "I wanna know ya" -- which was literally written while it was being recorded, to some older "classics" such as "Bored" -- which I had written almost ten years prior but had not yet recorded with a band. All we did was "listen" to me or one of the other guys play a song and almost immediately we knew if it was "in" or "out". It either fit or it didn't. Most did. So picking songs for the album was a no brainer. Another thing that helped was the other members of the band starting to introduce songs of their own, rather than it all just being about me and my songs. Vancouver contributed the music for "I wanna know ya" and the entire song "Andrea's Fault" (which got cut last minute and was later released on the City of Lost Children rarities album. Father Bloopy contributed the music and melody of what would eventually become "Cleopatra Ecstasy" -- a song he had laying around called "Crazy Paving." I just changed the lyrics to make them more relevant to my own personal life so when I sang the song it made more sense and had more meaning for me to sing passionately. Even our drummer #2 Young William contributed a poem entitled "All this is beginning to feel like an ending," which was so moving that it prompted me to sit down at the piano and write melody to it. That turned out to be one of our most popular songs ever. Thank God we opened that up, allowing everyone to contribute. It helped tremendously. Not just with the music, but also with the feelings and the morale of the group. It felt like a real group project.

"Softening" -- since that's what started all this reflection initially -- was a massively collaborative project. The title and concept of the song came from a suggestion by a girl I was communicating with often over long distance Skyping and video-phoning. This idea of "letting go" and becoming 'softer' as a person... that was the trip that we were on. Still are. I started composing the music to it and would play it for her over the computer through Skype and she would type lyrical ideas that I would then copy and paste and then print out and leave on my piano. A few weeks later, while singing the song through the loudspeakers in my rehearsal studio, my cousin Rosie Posie was visiting from the UK and she started singing the middle section "I'm letting go... I'm letting go"... out of the blue. It fit perfectly. And it was one of the few times that I let a song take on that many contributors. Not for any particular reason other than the fact that usually when I am writing a song I am alone and I get them done pretty fast. But this one I let marinate a lot before calling it "complete."

And re "the vibage"... all I can say is that, again, due to how long we had been together by that point, there was a really good vibe going within the group. And I think that translates to the finished product. Our morale was so high that it allowed us the rare opportunity to cover an old McCartney B-side, 'Tomorrow.' Normally, being an original band trying to forge new ground and territory and make a name for ourselves, we wouldn't have permitted ourselves to record a cover of somebody else's song. But we did it because we wanted to. Because it felt right.

It was also the first album we recorded outside of a major recording studio. No producers telling us what to do or how to play our instruments. No interns. No massive recording gear sitting all over the place. In fact, it was just the opposite. Instead we were surrounded by tons and tons of junk and garbage. Vancouver is a notorious slob. But the atmosphere worked. As far as creativity goes, because we weren't on the clock and therefore spending hundreds of dollars per hour, everyone felt free to experiment more and try new things. The 7/8 time of the middle-eight bridge of "Somebody kill the DJ" is a good example of that. The bird sounds and the outside street noise one can hear behind "If your baby could" came from the fact that Vancouver thought it would be a good idea if I recorded the whole song outside "in nature" so he just set up two microphones, placed them in front of me and told me "record" a hundred times until I got it just right. This environment also allowed Vancouver to go off with his recorded parts because there was no one there telling him "no." So he laid down tens of guitar lines, often harmonizing them with one another; and he even played cello parts -- simply because he happened to have a cello laying around the studio that week. Again, normally a producer would never let a guitarist "attempt to record cello parts even though you're not a cellist." That wouldn't have happened had we been in a "real" studio. But the results were sublime; as can be heard on "I wanna know ya" and "Caetano." A non-cello playing guitarist laid down some of the coolest and gorgeous albeit out of tune cello parts ever and no one was the wiser to it.

Writing about it makes me want to put it in and listen to it once more. And that's a good thing. I normally don't enjoy listening to our albums once the novelty of them passes and they are released. But I never tire of listening to the Nothing Is Cohesive album. It is always a very viscerally enjoyable experience for me. Truly transcendent. Each and every time. I hope to say that about future albums we record or release. And I hope that others feel the same way as we do about the album. It was more than any other a real labor of love and passion for music making.

Listen to Nothing Is Cohesive on SoundCloud here: Ed Hale and The Transcendence - Nothing Is Cohseive by Dying Van Gogh

Love Not Love

I am very confused by the heart. It is no wonder that we all at one time or another find ourselves at such odds with our hearts. It is a battle sometimes. Oftentimes when we are on the outside of someone’s heartache, the solution seem so clear to us. And yet when we find ourselves facing a similar battle it doesn’t seem so clear.

What intrigues me most is our ability to still love someone who is clearly not “the best” for us. Or for that matter when we find ourselves still loving someone who does not return our love. You know, its an amazing thing. this. How no matter what we do to attempt to convince ourselves that we need to move on our heart still holds a special place for that person.... I wonder what that is? Why it is. Of course due to the public nature of the Diaries I am unable to fully go into the details of these torrid affair as much as I would normally before this experiment started.... what's it been now? six years? seven years now.... wow...

I need to, really. For in writing I find the most relief from such maladies. But suffice it to say that I believe that in essence the real dilemma lies in the fact that at our very core we long for love. So in cases where we simply don't have any love in our lives, our heart is willing to project true love’s fulfillment on the closest person that fills that role in our lives at that time.

I believe that is why it isn't such a bad thing when necessary to just up and leave our environment when we have to in order to escape the clutches of being in love with someone who just isn't going to ever fit the bill. If that isn't an option and oftentimes it isn't, then it is best to just stop communicating with the person altogether. Move on and just get them out of our lives as much as possible in order to get them out of our heart and mind as much as possible.

One of the things that I find most peculiar is this strange tendency of mine to still long for a girl even after I have made a decision that she isn't the right one for me. I actually find myself feeling jealous if she expresses liking some other guy or going out with another guy. Now in times past I used to beg for those situations so I could rid myself of having to deal with the guilt one feels when one breaks up with a girl, but even then, I find myself feeling terribly agonized over them liking someone else. and this is even after I have let them go and know without a shadow of a doubt that they aren't the one. Even then I still feel this great pain in my heart. it is two feelings simultaneously that are actually totally opposite of one another. On the one hand there is much about the girl that bothers me, even at times, just flat out annoys the hell out of me. And on the other hand I still find myself jealous and hurt that she is liking someone else and actually find myself wanting to be with her.

Such is the case now with a few. And for the life of me I cannot quite understand the nature of this mental and emotional anomaly. Why on earth would I even care? I mean is it not a blessing that one girl or another likes someone else and is now no longer projecting onto you that you are “the one.” She is no longer feeling sad or bitter or lonely or resentment towards you that you don't want to be with her. That's a blessing to be sure. And yet, every now and then, it still sneaks up on me with certain girls and hurts.

I think what it comes down to is that there are some people – when true love strikes us, which is rare – that we just never stop loving. No matter how incompatible we are with them, no matter how much they bother or annoy us or just downright create a feeling of disdain or loathing in us about them we still in our heart of hearts love them and are in essence still “in love” with them. With Weather Girl that's what happened. No matter how much I feel that we are incompatible and how much she annoys me at times, there is still this cupid’s arrow kind of love for what she represented at one point in my life. You see? Not HER. But what she represented – what I was projecting onto her when Cupid’s Arrow struck...

With Sabine it’s more like she's just this giant object of sensuality and mystery to me that will always captivate me, even though again I know we are completely incompatible. But I feel enraged sometimes when I think of her with another man, even though that is precisely the best thing that could happen to her, for both of us... And with Princess Little Tree I still feel the same love for her as I did when we were a couple. The only difference is that now I love her more as a friend and want her to be happy. I mean, talk about pain. fuck. We milked that for as long as we possibly could just because we wanted to be together so badly... but eventually I think we both just got tired of the constant pain of that realization in the back of our minds that we weren't the best for each other because of the age difference and all. We had already been told that we were husband and wife in our last life from more than one psychic and I think that helped us understand the instant connection and attraction and deep care we had for each other, and in a way it helped it make it easier for us to say good bye to our idea of being together in that capacity in this life. God was that sad.

It hurt sometimes. All of it. All of them. I'll tell you that. it hurts like a sonofabitch. It stings. It causes the body to tense up and clinch up and writhe in agony. Even though we very well know that they indeed aren't “the one.” But that doesn’t really talk to the heart. the heart has its own switchboard and I don't think that anyone knows how to tap into it yet or make a call into it. It just has its own special line. Only God knows how to get in there and talk any sense to it. time I
guess is all that can really heal these things...

I'm doing alright with it. The easiest cure of course is just to be in other relationships. And then you don't really think about it. you get yourself a new crush and then you aren't thinking of the old ones anymore... well that's the theory. For me that never actually works either. Because if I could have it my way I would have them all together as my wives and we would all be fine. In Iran when I met with the infamous Iranian filmmaker Khoshrow Sinai who is now in his sixties, I met one of his wives. He lives with two wives and they are best friends. Two children from each wife. And they are all very happy. I would like that very much. I guess I essentially I have that now in a way... just in a slightly covert way... and without the fringe benefits...

The real dream would be to meet ONE GIRL who could satisfy all of it. I mean, people get married for a reason... it isn't always just for children or tradition or convenience or even just temporary infatuation. Sometimes there is really something amazingly magical there.... and my dream would be to meet HER. that ONE girl that could really be THAT ONE for me. Where I would not need a handful of them to satisfy all the various different aspects of my gigantic personality... I wonder if that is possible... to have one girl that could do it... something to think about.

The closest I ever came was Cleopatra, but I was a kid and I was really fooling myself because she really wasn't on the same plane as I. I mean, eventually once the infatuation faded away we realized that we were very different from each other. We loved each other deeply and took such precious care for one another but we were on totally different planes so we argued insanely and passionately and horribly all the time. It was truly a nightmare. I'm very glad that I was mature enough to make the decision to “start separating to see if we could work out our differences.” Proud of her too. We made the right decision.

And since then, I've always wondered if there was one girl out there who really has it. all of it. the whole thing. not just the looks and the package, but also the old soul and the brains... the breeding, the enlightenment, the ability to keep up, the kindness and caring and unshakable integrity and honesty and lust for truth. I think for each of us, what we are really asking for is quite the miracle, and if we are lucky enough to find it, we should remind ourselves just how lucky we are.

The other day I received this email from Dina, remember the cute little gelato girl from Roma? Gosh I cannot even remember what name I assigned her in the Diaries... and I don't feel like looking it up... we had a great time for about a week or two in Rome just before I left. If you want to jump into that whole scene head to the Diaries from June through September 2003 and read all about it. There are some truly wild stories to be had there.

In any case, she fell in love with the song “Vicodin” from our Sleep with you CD that had just come out that year. (Good for her, cause it’s a damn good song and once she “got it” you know, not just liked the music, but understood the whole idea behind the song, she sort of took it as her theme song for a while...) And so she creates a new email address for herself from that point forward calling herself Vicodina... still now. Which is just fucking classic. In any case, we’ve kept in touch for the last five years and that's the way it should be.... So the other day I get this reply from her because it was her birthday...

Ciaoooooooooooooo Fishy,
It is so nice to heard you, first of all you have to exuse for my english that i' m sure it will be really hard to understand. Thank you for remembering my bifthday, I'm relly impressed your memory has win the battle with all the drugs you had in the past! Hahahhaaaa! Anyway my life goes really well, i'm working with my love fabrizio in a nice restaurant near Rome and we are living togheter from 1 year already, i have lost all my bads abits (i remember you was really worried for me) so now my life is more normal. I have to say that sometimes i still get drunk but is just because i don't want to feel too old .I 'm 31 this year and i still think i 'm 28 ,and if you could see me i'm sure you will agree with me that time did not change me a lot. what about you ? please let me now if you come in Rome to play with your band, and if you got time tell me something about the life in the big apple........ Tanti abbracci e baci dalla tua amica romana
Vicodina.

And you know, that's the thing really. Is that its all about us being able to share with each other like this AFTER we are in a relationship with someone... you know, if we work everything out alright. If everyone puts their cards on the table and is honest and clean and has integrity, things can always work out alright and we often find that our best friends in the world are our ex-lovers.... with me and Sabine... we are still in that stage where we are struggling back and forth a bit. Still this tug of war. You know, I never know whether I'm coming or going with her really. I mean she's such a fucking mystery. One minute she loves me, the next minute she hates me. then the next minute we’re just friends, then the next minute she hates Weather Girl just because I once liked Weather Girl. And then she just likes me as a friend. Just makes no sense. But she's one of my best friends in the whole world and I put up with it all no matter what because we have the potential to be really good friends one day.

Lately I think she's coming around. Perhaps we both are. We’re getting to this new stage where we can hang out and laugh and really be friends.... at least on the phone. Being a professional “ballerina” she's not around that much anyway, so its better that way. Its weird though because I still find myself unable to just hang out with her and NOT think about her in a romantic way. which fucking drives me crazy. Because I don't want to. And I know she doesn’t want me to either. You see? That's where we were when we started.... And that my friends is the puzzle. First one to figure that one out wins the prize.

Last night I spent a few hours researching reviews from the past year of the sleep with you CD. our new CD went out this week for review to the press and I wanted to see what they would see if they Googled us and our last few releases. I already knew that rise and shine was well received for the most part. So I had no attention on that one. but sleep with you... honestly I had been avoiding reading reviews all year... I must have read over a hundred reviews and for the most part we were just torn apart for it... in all honesty... I cannot pretend or deny it away. even the positive reviews missed the point a lot of the time. we just didn't get across what we were aiming for. or perhaps we did... but either way, it was destroyed by most critics... too bad, because I love that album...and am still very proud of it.

There was one writer who got it. he really understood it. began his critique by explaining that the CD was an exploration and celebration of love and sex and romance and relationships and women... not much more, but no less because of that fact... I really appreciated this one person getting that... that's all I was trying to do with that work. That was it. and this one guy got it. [some guy tells me today that its like each of our cds is a diary of that time period in our lives because of the feeling of the songs and the artwork... now HE really gets it.] But everyone else just ragged on us.... especially on me. I read everything from ‘the music is pure generic crap’ to how awful of a singer I was to how bad the drum sounds were to how lame the guitar playing was to how puerile and asinine the lyrics were. Superhero girl was called ‘dunder-headed fluff’ and we were ‘blustery’ I didn't even know what the word blustery meant and had to look it up. well it isn't a good word. In general the feeling was why the hell is this guy on the cover with a naked girl on his bed and why the hell are all the songs about girls and drugs...

Princess Little Tree reminded me that before we began the album I told her that my intention was to create an album about sex drugs and rock and roll and that's exactly what I did. so why should I be so surprised by the reception... you know, with rise and shine I was accused of being too feel-goody and spiritual and lets change the world... and so perhaps sleep with you was a reaction to that. in fact, I am sure it was. but the saving grace is that nothing is cohesive had no secret meaning, no concept whatsoever... it was just us enjoying recording a collection of songs that we liked because we enjoyed making music together. I hope that comes off. I hope it is well received... I don't know if I can take another beating like we took with sleep with you. I spent all night tossing and turning, the harsh words of the various critics spinning around in my fucking head... I will be the first to admit that that is not easy. you can pace the floor and scribble notes and take walks, but the words still linger... perhaps Bas was right after all: “Stop fucking reading the reviews Fishy. good or bad. I'm telling you you're a fool man, they're meaningless. Stop reading them.”

One thing I notice is that all these writers always point to bono and bowie as my main influences vocally – certainly the similarities end there – I don't think my songs have ever sounded like either --- some cat says beautiful one sounds like a bowie ballad... yeah right... it just doesn’t even sound close to that... but none of them have ever been astute enough to get that its marc bolan who all three of us are copping. Bowie has admitted it a hundred times. without marc there would be no David as we knew him back then. you can hear when David first heard marc... you can hear the change in his singing style when he went from copping Dylan and Anthony Newly to copping marc to eventually when he started being David.... at times you cannot tell the two apart... and bono talks about one of his first erotic rock and roll experiences  --- as a kid in Dublin watching the TV and seeing marc bolan for the first time and he pointed to the screen and said ‘I wanna do that.’ when bono gets all smooth and intimate and holds the mic with both hands up to his face and scrunches his mouth up to sing breathy and romantic as if every word was an epiphany... that's marc coming out... I don't consciously ape anyone anymore but on occasion I will just full on sing through the marc filter unknowingly because it just sounds so cool and is so much fun to sing like that... then I'll catch myself and be like ‘bro, you're totally copping bolan right now. ease it up a bit man...’ but its really interesting how no one ever notices. They always call it bono or bowie but never take it further. His influence is so huge and far reaching but the critics just never talk about it. I don't know why. like Jim Morrison in that way. the critics never got marc’s influence. But one day they will.

First day of June. Wow. That was fast wasn't it? I'm telling you right now. this life is going to pass us by so fucking fast its going to be really really sad and shocking. Hang on cause we need to turn it on over drive to make the absolute most of it.

I am in the middle of so many things right now. totally insane. Getting ready for this tour. film crew coming to house for three days to film this 30 minute documentary on me/us. filmmaker friend of mine actually. three days in the life of me. ‘where he is now.’ ladies man, mans man, man about town... LOL She’s going to try to get to the heart of the matter, focus on the songs and the songwriting. a cool project. And we’re packing everything I own up and putting it into storage because I sold my house. Have no place to live yet. looking at places temp here while trying to find a place to buy in New York. With housing ridiculously high in New York. Still working every night on editing The Adventures of Fishy novel. Trying to get the new single from sleep with you released here in the states, get the new album released here for a summer date, start recording the rough tracks of two more future albums before we leave. Trying to coordinate publicity, radio promo, retail store promo, posters, postcards, T-shirts, for Europe etc etc... And we leave for a two month tour abroad in less than four weeks. Amongst all this I'm still just trying to be me, you know, writing new songs, and rehearsing with the band and all that. My mind feels crazy by 11 pm. I lie in bed unable to sleep. Tossing and turning. But you know. its cool. could be worse. This is an amazing life. Just hectic.

You know for me, the last year or two hasn’t been easy. In my career I’ve had more success than we ever have before. can’t complain about that. I don't mean it in that way. I mean, its probably obvious to everyone but me. somehow between rise and shine and sleep with you, things changed. Lately for some strange reason people have been bringing up the rise and shine album a lot to me, as if God is trying to remind me of something with that. people pulling it out and playing it for me, or writing to us about it. I heard it the other day, for the first time in a year or two. I got it. I understood I think what it was telling me. you know, when I made rise and shine I made it because I loved music. I loved the songs I was writing at the time. I was very in love with music and with culture. There was no commercial intention behind the album. it was just love and spirit. Somewhere after that, the idea of commercial set in, the idea of our music being a commodity had set in and we were swept off our feet. Commercial was the word of the day. Everyday. Everyone has this attitude about the music business that it is so difficult and you have to work so hard. And there is a tremendous pressure to ‘be commercial.’ To fit in somewhere. When we made rise and shine it was obvious to everyone that we didn't fit in anywhere. But we were cool with that. I didn't care because I was so happy doing what we did. Then that changed.

You know, you start listening to the mainstream ‘powers that be’ and you start second guessing yourself a bit I guess. I started caring about the commercial aspects of what we did. I think that comes through in sleep with you. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. sleep with you has far outsold rise and shine already, so that's a marvelous thing. but it did something else to me. you know, it kind of overtook me. it wasn't until this week—these two or three marvelous events: reconnecting with Juliet and her soulful radiating spirit coming in to remind me that life is good, life is beautiful Fishy she reminds with every line, as if I don't remember that and need to be reminded of it all of a sudden; and then all these reminders coming in about the rise and shine album and listening to it again for the first time; and then of course, seeing this concert for George. Remembering what it is all about. Seeing that this will be the last diary entry of Fishy, I don't mind writing this. But it has been very hard to balance the artist and dreamer in me with the ambitious rock star who wants this massive success. I haven't been happy in a year or more, largely because of this struggle. When I would joke that the ambassador was dead, you know, there was some truth to it. I just couldn’t find him within me anywhere.

The truth is that the ambassador just doesn’t give a shit about the commercial potential of any of this. And that's a part of me. a big part. I just don't care about that half as much as I should. Or half as much as I tell myself I should. But another part of me cares tremendously. Its all I think about sometimes. I can feel the death all around me. for months now. Ever since the return from Europe this autumn. I have been a dead man walking. I have done my absolute best to hide it and deny it. but I am no longer here. my body is. but my heart isn't in it. hasn’t been for months. The level of bullshit and pretense in the music biz is just tremendous. And for me, and maybe this is just me, its become an unbearable burden to bear. The lust for success and the competitiveness. My thing has always been traveling and studying and learning and turning that into song when I could. I just want to record my albums and perform concerts when I can. I mean that's what I signed up for. But all the in-between bullshit, the day to day of it... it is crushing the very thing within me which it is supposed to be supporting. My soul feels as if it is caving in from the pressure of it all. you know that when i was making rise and shine I was very very happy, and I will never forget reading this one music editor in a letter to our publicist who said that “Fishy is a great guy, but I feel that this album is too good-vibey and too touchy feely positive message for my tastes so I'm not going to review it, rather than trashing it.” That was the beginning. I read it over and over again. I didn't get it. I didn't get why she didn't get it. and since then... the bigger we get the harder it gets to find the spirit radiating within me for the pure joy of music that I once felt. The success pressure kind of ruins that. But you know, I don't want it to. I love the music too much. There is so much more that I want to do. cannot wait to begin this new harder-edged album we have been rehearsing. And after that I would like to dive deeper into African and Indian music more and create a follow-up to rise and shine. deeper. I feel that I am at a crossroads with it though, with the struggle between the pure art of it and the commerce aspect of it. I pray everyday for the understanding and for the balance. I was all ready to move to New York and sort of begin anew and then these tours came about. which is an amazing thing for us. so I'm going to stick around and get the band ready for them. and I'm going to give it my all. I promise that. We owe it to ourselves. And to the fans. And to the huge organization of people that have sprung up around us. but something must change. I am not sure exactly what it is. but something... I am sure it is within me. an attitude. An understanding. so when it is said that Fishy dies, its not a murder or anything like that, like I thought it might be. It’s voluntary. Its just the passing of the spirit to another. I know it sounds strange. Killing yourself off to find yourself. But I don't think I have a choice in it. I probably should have done it months ago.   

Check out this video clip: http://www.moveon.org/censure/caughtonvideo/

Today is Cleopatra's birthday. Tonight we headed over to the Florida Grammy showcase. DC3 played and were unbelievably good. I have to admit I love this band so much. Derek Cintron has the potential to be a huge star. And that's his real name. spent  an hour or so hanging with various scene buds and then headed out into the night. on the way down Washington I see this SUV ram this little car right in front of me. the little car stops but the SUV starts driving fast away. I rolled down my window and told the peeps in the little car to stay there. I floored it and chased the SUV down. I got up next to it, rolled down my window and yelled ‘you have to stop.’ He pulls over and thinks he hit me he is so drunk. I'm like, ‘you didn't hit my car. The car you hit is back on Washington still. I'll follow you.” He's like, “you’ll follow me?!” all snotty like “who do you think you are?” but then he got in and I followed him to the scene. Crazy people in Miami. if I wouldn’t have seen that guy and chased him down he just would have bailed on the scene after smashing that other guys car all up. Luckily for him no one was hurt. another day another good deed.

So far more than 4000 same sex couples have been married this year in San fran. Way to go San fran. More power to you. But on the other side of the coin, some little town in Tennessee passed a law this week making it possible for the state to sue same sex couples as a crime against nature. ??? seriously, I'm not making this up. o.k.... so we can drive SUVS and pollute the air, we can make animals extinct by killing them, and we can poison our water and earth by pouring toxic chemicals into it, and that's not a “crime against nature” but rather it is “just something that some people wish that other people wouldn’t do.” But if two people of the same sex want to hook up then that is a crime against nature. Wow. Leave it to Tennessee. Remember this is the same town that prosecuted a man in the 20’s for teaching evolution. Seriously. people like this still exist. Be careful. be very careful.

Recently read that over 2.9 million manufacturing jobs have been lost in the United States in the last three years. unfathomable. If there is such a thing as the anti-industrial revolution, then we’re in the thick of it. the AFLCIO has filed a law suit against the United States government for the lost jobs saying it is because they are being too lenient on china in their breaking of basic human rights and labor laws... it will be an interesting couple of years.

At the showcase tonight met THE man who produced the first joy division album way back when, which is cool. he says, ‘We have to try to save music, save the artists... I'm trying something new I'd like you to be a part of.... a website for digital distribution of music...’ I felt like saying ‘uh o.k. pal.’ O.k. so maybe he's done one too many hits of ecstasy the last few years, and to respond is kind of silly and superfluous, so instead I took off into night to let the wind blow through my hair while I attempted to drive 130 down the Macarthur causeway with no hands on the wheel while enjoying the beautiful 76 degree weather and the awe inspiring views of the Atlantic ocean on both sides. On the drive home I thought about this poor old man with his good intentions, and how if people would just get together and get serious about it, and if first they knew what the problems were in the industry, then maybe they could fix it. everyone’s freaking out now in the music biz. Granted. And for good reason. 1600 retail record stores closed last year. that's unbelievable. Tower records went bankrupt and word is that virgin is about to go under from no CD sales. O.k. fine. So what's the answer? How to save the artists and the music at the same time? these were my thoughts as I whizzed down the great highway.

A video producer that lives in china who I met in Florence over the summer actually is making a music video for the new sleep with you album. He is making it for the song sleep with you, which certainly has not been lack of its share of controversy since its release. 

We are in constant communication about the details. I asked him recently what it is like now in china during this season. What holiday do they celebrate if any during this time of year I asked. Here is his response:

Hi Fishy:

Well, this in china should be just normal time coz the traditional Chinese spring festival, the biggest in a year, is still one month away... but now, young people living in cities spend Xmas, and they suppose that Christmas is the most important. And coz these people are the most potential consumers, so, the related goods get everywhere in street... well, u should come and have a look...u will be shocked. 

And the spring festival, a time for reunification of the family, has a history of over 2000 years. People everywhere should come back home to celebrate it. They are supposed to come to the family where their oldest family member has survived and get together there. that the reason why the transportation is always the biggest problem this time coz there are about 300 million person/time during the 15 days... 

Well, the story is to be continued if u are interested in. let u know more next time.

And happy Xmas friend!

Q

Not working enough. But trying to. Need to catch up before I leave for the holidays. For the record, this is the week where a whole row of keys on my laptop don't work. They go in and out. and it is truly hilarious trying to decipher what I type. See below. Band sounds great. Show on Saturday. Found out today that the sleep with you album is charting on a lot of different stations all over the country. In all these cites we have never even heard of. We are all so happy. 

Listening to Wayne Dyer every night as i go to sleep. I Love him. Especially this tape he has called real magic. At this point i would rather work on being happy and fulfilled and just walk around le m floating rather than being cool.  Thn perhaps that  spent too much time worried about being cool. What s cool? Being happy and fulfilled. That's cool being Neo. So I listen to these tapes every night. Process n your sleep. You wake up feeling psyched and energized and confident and ready for another day of manifesting your dreams and those of others.

PS--- found The Adventures of Fishy. For real. Fifteen years of writing that I thought was lost forever. 2 huge boxes crammed with notebooks and journals. Thank God. Finally. [Later in the story I will lose this all again. and it will be found by someone else. I have no idea by who of course. But for now it is in my possession. I will do my best to get it edited and typed in. Why I don't know. What the hell is any of this about anyway???] I did not realize how much writing there was. I had no idea, no memory of how much I wrote. It is quite insane. There are books and books and books filled with notes about every conceivable subject imaginable. It is a brilliant idea for a story. Man wakes up one day, finds boxes. Realizes he is a writer. Never realized it before. [Now what exactly is a writer? Can you just be someone who writes and be a writer? Or do you have to be published writer? Do you have to have people that like your writing? Does the writing itself have to have some sort of social or artistic significance in order for one to be called a writer? Or if a person just writes a lot does that a writer make? Hhhmmmm. I have no time for any of that though. Because I am just too fucking busy writing all the time.] I guess I just always did it and never realized what that actually meant. Bas screams why the fuck don't you take your writing seriously?! I am man. You aren't man. I am too man. I write a few hours every fucking day; you know that. Yeah but what do you do with it all? You just write and then what??? Put it in some boxes so you can lose them and find them five years later???!!!! What kind of a fucking game is that? Look at this fucking box we have found here. This could be a gold mine! We could be living like kings and sipping Crystal right now for God sakes, with hot babes under each arm! Publish this shit man! Do something with it. I tell him, Dude, I gotta sing with the baaaaaand. That's my passion. I write because I have to. I was born doing it. its like my unfortunate mission. But I sing and write songs because I want to bro. That's what I love.” “Whatever man. Lets get rich first and then you can sing with the band. You wrote and submitted one fucking screen play in a week and you won a contest and got published. So that should tell you something. Maybe you can come up with a fake name or something if you want to. so it doesn’t effect your music career or effect the band at all. you know like a pen name... he says. Hhhmmm, I think. What an interesting idea. 

Current Spin: cesare cremonini,  Bagus. I Love this album! and also, Louis Armstrong Christmas.  

Just saw the FMQB charts this week. Sleep with you made the top 25. In 23^rd place this week. That's awesome. DJs are spinning the album and the peeps are digging it. 

Processing a lot. Had almost over an hour CHP today with one creation. A wild ride. 

Current Spin: Justin Clayton, Limb. This is a great guitar pop record by a master songwriter and producer. Really good. Listening to this on the way over the causeway from the beach to the mainland extremely loud. Makes you wonder what more is left to create with music. that's how good it is. makes you not able to think of anything better to do on your own. so you just don't want to make music for a while. 

I wonder, do you ever wonder, how would we ever make something really grand and wonderful? With any lasting value. Think of Rome for God sakes; it is filled with giant memorials to many men's quest for the same ambition. Or Egypt. [one has to wonder underneath this if the reason why we feel this way is just because we long to make something real and valuable and meaningful for ourselves. I mean this can’t just be for other people, for the fans, or whoever. In the long run who really cares about that? It has to be about what is of lasting value to us. I think that secretly that is who we are trying to please.] Listening to Justin’s CD here, thinking about how it went so un-noticed around the world. What is the difference between the famous and the not famous? How does p diddy get to be a millionaire but Justin is still just one of the many songwriters who put out an album? I wonder what else is at play there besides music? Underneath the surface of it? things cosmic or karmic? Or just the luck of the draw? Right place at the right time? I don't know. but listening more you can just hear it. you put on p diddy, and as base and shallow and inane as it is, it is really creative; it really gets you moving. It just has this “thing” about it. sounds and feels upbeat and contemporary. And you can tell that it is going to appeal to a broader demographic. You put on Justin's album or any number of other singer songwriters out there and its just guitar bass and drum pop rock music. a lot of times really smart and catchy and intelligent and sometimes even moving (like Justin's song Drag—download this track for sure). And sometimes, rarely, it can really be sublime like Robbie William’s Escapology, or Aimee Mann magnolia, or Jeff Buckley’s Grace. But that's it. its still guitar bass and drum music. Frankly I'm sick of music sounding like that. I hate it. Which is funny cause that's what we do stll. I always tried to avoid it. Until sleep with you, where we really tried to embrace the idea of sounding like a band of five guys. There were a lot of moments where I reached out and tried to do stuff that was out there but the producer didn't let me, he would scream and say I was crazy and remind me that I was broke and that we were trying to make an album where we all could make some money. so I held back on being experimental and just tried to sing and play really well. But before that I was always into trying to rise above that. on rise and shine we really tried. People thought we were all over the place. Which we were. But totally on purpose. There is no mold to making albums. Like all art. and every time you discover a mold, you should immediately break it. our new album is more of the same. Five guys making music on their instruments. Very natural and organic. You can hear the voices and the instruments. Whereas say on a p diddy or the new Justin Timberlake album, you can’t hear any instruments. Its all just music, because so much of it is made in a computer or on keyboards. So its just this combination of sounds---rhythm and melody and harmonies—that come together to create this sound. And I like that. and man I could go on and on, because my favorite stuff the last few years has been like that. ginger baby by father Bloopy is very raw at first listen but it is very experimental; the two Radiohead albums kid a and amnesiac are more mainstream examples of that. They almost got there. but cats like takemura Nabukazu or the silver mount Zion memorial orchestra or stars of the lid really go all the way out there, where there isn't even a song structure anymore. And I think that's the future. Been so busy trying to make it mainstream I haven't had time to create more music like this, but I would like to focus more on it. I think then I would feel as if I was contributing more value to myself as an artist. Because at this point I think that as an artist I have kind of superceded where I am in my music career. Still putting out three and four minute pop/rock songs with a five piece band, but my heart is longing for twenty minute one note drone music that goes somewhere else entirely. 

Total insanity. Working eighteen hour days promoting the Sleep with you album, running the record company, and trying to finish recording the new album, think we’re going to call it nothing is cohesive. I need some help. Can’t lose weight. Ever since Italy. Obsessed with it. I look in the mirror and feel like I am looking at some giant hideous pig. Work out over an hour every day. don't eat. The diet pills are freaking my system out. I don't actually sleep at night because there is so much caffeine in my system. I kind of drift in and out of these hallucinations, but never feel like I sleep. Haven't in months. It is no wonder I feel two steps away from going completely mad. The good news is that sleep with you is getting great radio airplay on college and rock stations. And we are making so much progress in so many other areas. Vancouver decided not to tour with the cheesy Latin singer, but to transcend. good for him. he will choose to be a God rather than a slave. I knew he had it in him. tax man is coming down on me and Cleo. We have less than two weeks to give them about ten times more than most people make in a year. And we don't have a dime. It will be very interesting to see what happens. i don't care now. I care about my music now. and I can do it in the street if I have to. I am obsessed with my art. with guitars. And with amps. And with new sounds. And with new songs. And with painting with words and music.  

Dig these lyrics from the last song on the last George Harrison recording, Brainwashed. Talk about going out with a bang! 

"Brainwashed in our childhood
Brainwashed by the school
Brainwashed by our teachers
and brainwashed by their rules 

Brainwashed b y our leaders
By our Kings and Queens
Brainwashed in the open and brainwashed
behind the scenes 

God God God
A voice cried in the wilderness
God God God
it was on the longest night
God God God
An eternity of darkness
God God God

We recorded a lot today. Hours and hours. Did the guitars and vocals for the song Revolution in me. Amazing guitar work. Vancouver was drunk, but pulled off some amazing parts. He recorded his guitar parts lying down on his back on the couch for hours. The guy is insane but brilliant. We are almost done with this new new album, and Sleep with you isn't even officially out yet. I wish we had more people helping us with the business end of this so we could be as good at that as we are at the making music side of it.  

The whole country is talking about and debating the Bush admin asking the congress and American people for $87 billion right now to rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan. From an American  point of view it is sad and weird to most people. We have the highest unemployment rate in forty years. we hear that something like 4 million people have lost their jobs this year in America. And over one fifth of our population doesn’t even have health insurance. So the government asking for 87 billion for some other country rather than for its own people is just really weird and twisted and an insult to all these people who aren't working right now. somehow the priorities have gotten all screwed up... and the people feel trapped by the inconsistencies of it all. 

In America, its seems like it works like this: if you have a job and money and a house and investments and health insurance and all that, then you have the time and the attention to concern yourself with things like politics and government and what the president does or doesn’t do with $87 billion. But if you are one of those people who actually need the government to pay attention to you and to help you, the problem is that you are too busy scrambling around in your life just trying to make ends meet to pay attention to what the government does or to speak up for yourself or your family or all the other people in the country who really need the government to come through for you. 

Today I received a call from a drummer I jammed with that just got Sleep With You. said he was calling to tell me that he sat and cried when he heard the song "Junkie" because he was so moved. Which was just mind-blowing and here's why. It was the third person who had told me that about this new album in the last month, but each one with a different song. First with "Guilty," then with "Keep Moving On," and now with "Junkie." It just really made me feel good. cause maybe we fucking did it this time. 

Here's the deal: since my first album when I was a snotty16-year-old kid who knew nothing about what I was doing and couldn’t barely play an instrument, I loved what I was making. I loved my songs. It wasn't like I look back and go oh this album is good and these before it weren't. I mean I'm a huge fan of the first album and every one since then. And Rise and Shine still blows me away when I listen to it. I really can’t believe that I was a part in creating that album. I love it. What I mean by us really doing it this time is that maybe we created something that a lot of people are going to be as moved by as we are. Like maybe just cosmically everything will come together we’ll be on the same page as a lot of people at the same time. Which will be great, because I really need to make some money to justify continuing to spend all my money time and resources on creating music. (Is this true? Does an artist really need to justify their art? Or is the art justification enough regardless of the reception it receives?)

This is just truly strange:

Wife’s body kept in freezer for years

Elderly man hoped she could someday be brought back to life

ASSOCIATED PRESS

PHOENIX, Sept. 12 — A 75-year-old man stored his wife’s body for nearly six years in his backyard, twisted and upside down in an old freezer, because he hoped she could someday be brought back to life, authorities said

Last screening: Real time with Bill Maher. Thank God for Bill Maher. The guy is classic.

Current Spin:; Ginger Baby by Father Bloopy. This is an amazing album. filled with pure pop magic. Good songs galore. Check it out at www.dippyrecords.com  

Meeting with father Bloopy about the band’s videos for the Sleep with You album. telling him about my experience in Europe with all of them nailing into me about how popular American music is so lame. So I said, ‘father Bloopy, certainly we have some good music coming out of the states? Right? I mean besides the strokes? Which is funny because a lot of people think that is contrived and manufactured crap, but I like it so that's what counts.’

‘I don't know man. Its pretty slim these days,’ he says.

‘Well what about coldplay?’

‘That's England man...’

‘Well U2...’

He laughs. ‘They’re from Ireland man.’

‘Well Radiohead are good.’

‘England man...’

‘Oasis?’

‘England...’

‘Well Sting and Peter Gabriel are awesome!’

‘Yea but they're from England too...’

‘Well Rufus is awesome!’

‘He's from Canada man.’

‘Muse? Travis?’

‘England.’

‘Well you know what? Maybe not now but in the old days we had a lot of great music. Like the Beatles and the stones. The who and Elton John and of course led zeppelin. Hello?!’

‘Dude they’re all from England.’

‘Well pink Floyd was great!’

‘Yea and they were from England.’

Well at least Jimi Hendrix was from here.’

‘Yea but he had to go to England to make it...’ he laughs.

Well finally we did find some artists. Bruce. And Billy Joel. And bob Dylan. There's three right there. And of course lately we had the whole grunge scene and then rage against the machine and linkin park. They kick ass. But really good music? Great music? Maybe those European girls in the car had a good point. But we did end up having a good video session. Bloopy is cool. Laid back. a smooth criminal.

  

I started working on the Blue Mask again. I put it down a few years ago because it was just too much for me to deal with. Just so intense. Makes my skin crawl when I think of it. But lately I have started pulling up the chapters again and taking at looking at them. Wow. What was I thinking? Why am I writing this? 

It's been very cold here in Miami. Made all the difference in people's attitudes. Noticed more and more this year how much our focus during this particular holiday is on buying things. As contrite as that may sound, I just never thought about it. you always hear people talking about that, but it really is true. There is this mad frenzy all around shopping. 

I have had fun though buying presents for all my friends and family. But notice myself with a certain longing deep inside for something more profound and meaningful from this holiday season. I am spending countless moments meditating at night and in the morning, what it is known as praying with open hands. I told God last night, “look I know I may be one of your problem students, always saying that I don't believe, and that you don't exist, but I'm here anyway, you know, kind of sneaking in here late at night to have a look around, you know. So…” 

This last year I have written the best songs of my life. I know I always say that. I think I would be worried if I didn't always think that. It depends on what mission I'm on at the time. Back in 89' to 93' I felt that way. Our mission was to write the trippiest, deepest, most intellectual and spiritual songs we could. It was always a contest between the toad and I, and the other guys around. That whole deep trippy sound.

And then again in 95' and 96', the mission was to write the most majestic, long-lush orchestral, open-tuned magnum opuses I could. And then in 98' and 99' it was all about planet music and how many languages I could write in and how many different types of styles I could fuse into one song or one album. You just get on a roll and you ride it. I wrote maybe thirty or forty songs in the last year. Not a lot. But a good number of them were classics, you know, meaning I really dig them still. They're holding up. "Keep Moving On," "Sleep with You," "The Ambassador," "Where is My Love," "Beautiful One."