The dream:

This morning at 7 am I awoke to one of the most beautiful dreams. A series of small scenes. I had a dog that when my cell phone would vibrate he would bring it to me in his mouth. I thought this was so cute and I told Juliet about it. Because strangely enough, Juliet was staying at my mom’s house. It was such a warm cozy feeling that I still feel emotional writing about it. why was she there? I don't know. I watched her as she opened presents. she was unwrapping presents, one was a juicer. I was just watching. Perhaps not even participating in that event. She was so happy, so full of joy. like a child. I found a very deep and giddy feeling watching her so happy. later in the kitchen, I watched her and my mom talking and cooking. Juliet was again happy and curious and filled with questions and observations about life. later that night, mom called to make sure that we were eating properly. She was out. it was late. I needed to get to meeting about a music video for us. [if this was a premonition of things to come, the video was coming out excellently. I was very impressed with the guy’s work.] I was alone in the house. Juliet came down the stairs in her underwear and no shirt. We bumped into one another. We hid our surprise well. we talked. As always, we were polite, reserved, and respectful with one another. We stood in the dimly lit kitchen talking and sharing. Like two old souls caught in a moment.

There was more. I cannot remember it right now. all I know is that I woke up so deeply and madly in love with Juliet again, just like when we were children. I could not go back to sleep. Lying there floating in that feeling of love for her. In reality we are worlds apart. But there is something in me that is so tied to her, that honestly it feels as though it is from another lifetime, this connection that I feel to her some times. I cannot explain it. here's the thing. its not just the way she looks. In fact, it isn't so much the way she looks. Because although, yes, I am so captivated by her eyes that I could stare in them forever, her look is not my usual look, or better put, her style is not my usual style, the kind that I prefer... But what it is, it’s the way she is. When she writes I am so absorbed in it that you would think I was reading the original draft of the Magna Carta or something. and the sound of her voice brings chills to me and makes me feel so good when we speak. It gives me a great sense of joy and calm. A special feeling inside that I always find surprising. Why? I have no fucking idea and truly wish it were not that way. Because she is very happy out there in the great north woods doing her hippie thing with this hippie guy who seems like a wonderful man who I would get along fabulously with. Like I said, its not something I would ever speak to her about for many reasons; out of respect for her current relationship, and also because our worlds have grown so far apart that it just wouldn’t be practical for us to entertain anything but a casual acquaintance. But these dreams I have of her are so, what's the word, BIG, and DEEP, and meaningful. And the other signs that pop up about her. I wonder, what is the meaning of them? these other signs? What is the significance of Juliet in the life of Fishy? who is she in the bigger picture? Sometimes when we are speaking, and mentions something about her “man” I want to scream at her, “Would you stop it already?! Don't you know that I'm your man?!” Half the time that I am speaking with her I want to scream ‘I don't know if you're supposed to be with that guy! As crazy as it sounds, Juliet I think you're supposed to be with me!” And trust me, I don't want to say this. I enjoy the way I'm living right now. I enjoy the ancient roman lifestyle so to speak. And Juliet as much as I adore her.... we’re just too different. But here's the deal: then what are the signs about? And sometimes, do you ever think things in our lives are bigger than just us and our own small plans for them. The old master plan concept. Know it well. in the last two days I have met so many beautiful girls, and have just been high from it, the prospects of this Moroccan I met yesterday are especially enticing because I have not been with a Moroccan yet. I will need to add her to the collection either way... But the truth is that when I think of Juliet... no I won't even finish that. Because I bet all I need to do is just see her. just see her in the flesh and then I am sure it will all become clear. I think it’s a kind of psychological thing where I am projecting all that my subconscious mind considers sweet and pure and innocent and intelligent onto Juliet just because I can.... something like that.
        
Of course I say nothing to her. Because who knows. perhaps it’s wishful thinking. Or just an over active imagination. After all, I'm an artist, and as Juliet has reminded me many times over the last twenty years, artists are in love with love. I think that sometimes we become so absorbed with love and romance that we forget that people can have an impact in our lives without having to be our lover or spouse or whatever. In my heart I want to see her in person and stare in her eyes and hear her soft voice in real life. again, tell her that? Juliet, I want to stare in your eyes. crazy. and quite frankly, disrespectful, because she has a boyfriend. So I can see for myself what its all about. i think it would be great to discover that she is a great lifelong friend and nothing more. I would welcome this idea. It would bring me great relief.

But I cannot help but think, what if she isn't just that... and how do I handle it? what if she is the one? does she ever think about it? and what if she is not the one? which is what I suspect? Am am I being disloyal or unfaithful somehow by even considering her as such? May she forgive me whoever she is.