July 28th, Cool breezes here in New York this week.

July 28th,
Cool breezes here in New York this week. lucky us. everyone in great spirits. Last night I had a great meeting about this non-profit that I am starting, turning the transcendence army into a charity that gives to children’s causes... good stuff. I love mid-town and the upper east and west sides. And I love summer in New York. people spend a lot more time communicating with each other because we aren't rushing our asses into warmer confines of homes or offices. A few minutes ago some cat I always say hello with and I were speaking and it turns out he's the music supervisor for def jam, the movie division. He just unloaded a barrage of stories about everyone in the biz without me saying a thing... I have no idea why he would think I was someone to drop names to. I'm an absolute nobody. A few minutes later another dude I always chat with when I'm sitting out here gets out of his car and we’re chatting, comparing notes about who works the hardest – I'm out here all freaking night on this laptop so it appears that I work the hardest but what he doesn’t realize is that he gets to work by 8am and I'm not even out of bed till close to 11am... so... anyway turns out that he's the VP at Tommy Hilfiger. I tell him I'm the lead singer for transcendence, and he says ‘the Minnie driver guys, right?’ and I'm like yeah, but we have a new album out now... [we will never live that one down.] so yeah, the midtown and upper east scene... say what you will about downtown being hipper.... but all you run into down there is out of work peeps, peeps still trying for it. whereas here its peeps who are already there. and then if you head up another twenty blocks, to the eighties... holy shit, its just over the top wealth and affluence up there. a whole new level.

Last screening: Dragon, the Bruce lee story. So cool. this is great. I was never into Bruce lee of martial arts, but I'm about to be.

Current spin: to rococo rot, the amateur view. More glitch music. Out of Berlin. like it.


I just read this on Bishop John Shelby Spong’s email blast. loved it. here it is:

“”””Jean Palmer from Daphne, Alabama writes:
"After reading Dr. Hecht's column I recalled my thoughts over the years about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, wondering why our United States government has always supported the Israeli side and seemingly neglected the Palestinians. My thoughts centered on our collective guilt over disbelieving the tragic Holocaust for so long. When the ship carrying refugees arrived on our shores during FDR's presidency and was forced to turn back to Europe, it caused me to gasp! How on earth could our country turn away refugees? Well, it seems we did and this has perhaps caused us to overcompensate on the Israeli side today. Having lived to the ripe old age of 71, I now know how guilt can cause one to do a 180-degree turnaround in some cases. I have asked myself why I was not sensitive to the issues of growing up in the segregated south all those years. Well, I was a child, then a teenager, then a nursing student, then a wife and a mother.too busy to think how others were faring, i n particular my African American brothers and sisters. Today, I embrace these same brothers and sisters wherever I am in church, social events, or anywhere else. Attempting atonement is a feeble attempt on my part but it seems to be the best I can do. I had been hoping that after 9/11 our government would stop, think and want to know why the terrorists hated us so much and how we might listen to their side of "the argument." So, what did President Bush and his administration do? They began a war they thought we could easily win; evidently thinking about how to turn the tide of Muslim hate was never a consideration. When I think of all the Iraqi people and our loyal military personnel who have been killed, it makes me nauseated!"””




I thought more about that scene with Ramstein in the park. Normally that type of thing is going to make me freak. I have spent so much time in my life worrying about and avoiding conflict. Doing everything I can to avoid it. I have been amazed at how little I was affected by it. I have found that i have developed this serene calm about friendship lately... realizing that we don't have to stay friends with everyone we’re friends with at one time, and we don't have to make friends with everyone we meet. That's not natural. I'm o.k. with the fact that we disagreed. Especially about something so profoundly important as that was. and I'm o.k. with the fact that my delivery of my truest beliefs weren't met with total acceptance, even disdain. You can’t go around trying to please everyone all the time. eventually you just have to start believing in you and what you believe, no matter what other people say. you know, you reach that point where you would rather spend as much time as possible as “pure awareness experiencing” rather than “consciousness desiring and resisting.” I'm not saying it’s easy, but if you continue to work at it, you get better and better at it.



Dreams. every night we dream. When do we know when to take dreams seriously? Or astrology for that matter... I mean, how do we know when to take it seriously and when to just let it go? or any of that stuff? palm reading and tarot card reading and psychics and horoscopes and religious studies and the I Ching and Feng Shui and omens and signs and messages we may get in meditation and all of it... hard to tell. Something I have been thinking about a lot the last year. what if we just lived through only what we saw and heard in real life and didn't take any of that other stuff seriously? someone says to me recently, ‘you know how this life is all an illusion?’ and I'm looking at them almost with pity, thinking, “what? I don't know about you, but this life seems pretty damn real to me...” But you know, in eastern thought, that is the viewpoint, that this is all an illusion, and this other world they have manufactured in their mind is very real. Western religions are the same way. speak to anyone of any of the four big religions and they place more importance on what they call “the afterlife” then they do on the “right here right now.”




I spoke with one of my favorite people in the world yesterday. a very famous and beloved psychic by the name of echo Bodine from Minnesota. We already had an appointment ironically enough, for months. She had nothing but good things to say. We shall see.


Last screening: Kevin smith speaks. He lectures at universities....

Current spin: still listening to dandy warhols. And this cat antony and the Johnsons. This guy is great. cabaret. Very gay. but very very good. you have to hear it to believe it. he could be very famous one day if enough money is put into him.


And here's an important announcement from the idiots at CNN.com:
“Anderson Cooper 360º”
””Children are starving to death. Anderson Cooper travels to Africa to put a human face on the hunger crisis in Niger. “”

Well thank God, because the Africans who are starving over there -- after all -- don't have human faces of their own.

Wonderful weekend. Fig and olive, star wars movie, central park, Indian dinner, unity church, brunch with friends, four seasons for afternoon tea. I know I know, why would someone so anti-religion always be going to church all the time. well as soon as I figure that one out I'll let you know. maybe I'm hoping for a new kind of evolution.

Thinking about the Enron scandal from that movie that I just watched. Thinking about Boo Boo Kitty and what she and her brothers and sisters are going through with her sister’s recent treatment for breast cancer. She's only 30 years old but there it is and with both their parents being passed on, its up to them to deal with all the bill paying all on their own. but its hard. Its quite honestly a full time job. The health insurance companies job is to deny the claims. Period. The sister has cancer. She gets treated. The treatment costs hundreds of thousands of dollars. She is covered by medical insurance they think. but the insurance companies refuse to accept the bills or pay for them. they continue to deny the claims and so boo boo sits in her little apartment in mid town Manhattan with a floor full of bills and paperwork totally going out of her mind. Frustrated beyond frustration. Crying and pulling her hair out. they tell her ‘I'm sorry Miss, you'll have to call back between the hours of 9;30 to 11;30 or 1;30 to 4;30. that's the only time suo and so will be available to speak with you....” so what if Boo Boo Kitty or her sister have jobs? what then? exactly. they are fucked. Just like everyone in America. I was deeply affected by this experience. I tried to remain cool and calm and appreciate her creation so as to support her as a good friend would. But inside I was boiling. I walked out of there that night and walked up fifth avenue fuming. America is a shit hole full of evil greedy money grabbers. Something must be done.

I awoke this morning with a revelation speaking to me in my dreams. it was as clear as day. At this point in America one is finally resolved to believe that we have no choice but to resort to absolute anarchy and violence to make the changes we need in this country. this was the message I saw and heard in my dreams. I shared the vision I had with Princess Little Tree and a few others at brunch this morning. “I have decided that we need to resort to violence in order to right how fucking wrong things are in this country,” I began.
“what do you mean?” asks Tom Cat.
“what I mean is that a fucking bomb needs to go off in some of the buildings where these health insurance companies are. plain and simple. Its not fair how things are here now. we are total fucking victims of how greedy and twisted and deceptive our country has turned into.”
“I think its just that things are so fucked now that everyone just says fuck it and tried to make as much money as they can and ignores what's going on around them. I know that's what I'm doing.” Tom says. “We’re not going to change things. its too far gone.”
“That's my point. You're a regular old normal thirty year old attorney and you've already given up on believing in America. So what's a regular old mother of two in Montana who's getting fucked in the ass by her job or by her medical insurance company or her credit card company supposed to do? she's fucking without hope. And that's what I mean. we could put an end to this in less than a year if we started going into these offices and shooting these fuckhead greedy bastards and dragging their asses out into the street for everyone to see that we aren't going to take it anymore.”
“Harsh words my brother. But I hate to say it, but I think you're right.”
“No no no.” protested Little Tree. “There's no excuse for killing people.”
“I would disagree with you there,” said tom cat. “if someone was trying to hurt your children you would have no problem killing them.”
“that's true. if someone was hurting my children I would want to kill them.”
“yes exactly. and that's precisely what's happening now all over our country. our children are getting hurt and killed by how fucking evil and fucked up things are. children are being denied medical treatment because of health insurance companies. Children are dying, people are dying because of health insurance companies. And almost worse than that, they're going fucking bankrupt even when they have health insurance. Because the rules are all set up on their side. And you think our congressmen are going to do anything about it? fuck no. because they already have health insurance and plenty of money. so they don't give a shit.”
“And plus bro that's where they get so much of their campaign money from. from the companies like that.”
“yep. That's what I'm saying. But I'm telling you right now. a few of these fucking ceos get a bullet in the head on their way to their car because some lady can’t pay for her husbands cancer treatment and we’ll see how fast this continues.”
“I can’t believe you are an Avatar and you talking like this. Fishy stop. You don't mean even mean it.”
“Honey, I do mean it. that's the thing. I know it sounds crazy. I know I sound like Anakin skywalker and I've sold my soul to the dark side, but you know what? this is the only way we are going to win this country back for the people. we are too far gone now. our country has totally been taken over by greed and money interests and no one does a fucking thing about it.”
    “What are you doing about it? what peaceful actions are you taking?”
    “Please. look at my website for gods sake. Do you know how much time and effort tand money I've spent and so many of the people that work for me have spent trying to educate and enlighten people to take action? How much I've protested and marched and been an activist the last five to ten years?”
    “Well that's true.”
    “yes I know its true. and all my friends too. I have friends all over the fucking country who have dedicated their entire lives to trying to change things for the better in this country. real hard core activists. And you know what? they haven't done shit. on most accounts they haven't done anything. But we all continue to promote the causes and preach the good work. But bush has still gone into Iraq and killed more than one hundred thousand Iraqis in less than two years. and everyone in America just sits around and pretends that it’s o.k. and you think that's right? that's killing people and yet Americans seem fine with it.”
    “But that isn't right either Fishy.”
    “Yeah I know. but try telling that to most Americans. They're too busy as tom says making money and thinking about themselves. And that's because our system is so corrupt that we have no choice but to be totally selfish and self concerned. We don't have time to think about Iraqis getting killed because we’re too fucking worried about how we’re going to pay the bank fees or the credit card aprs or the high health insurance monthly bills. So we let bush and his madmen do whatever the hell they want.... even if that means killing people in other countries. Even if that means fucking with our school systems or destroying our forests or selling us out to big companies like Enron...”
    “You make a good point man.” Tom says.
    “I know. and trust me. I wish it weren't this way. but it is. and my activist friends just aren't seeing what's really going on because they too now are so caught up in the paperwork and the beurocracy of how things are here that they go on day after day without noticing that they haven't accomplished shit. somewhere down the line I just woke up and realized that I don't believe in martin Luther king now, but instead with Malcolm X and the black panthers to use a simple analogy. we’re going to have to fight now. we’re going to have to rise up and start get violent if we are going to have any chance of having any rights whatsoever. Already what people deal with with their banks and their health insurance and their credit card companies is total bullshit. watch ho fast that changes if a few bombs go off and people start dying.”
________________________________

now to be fair I am going to post the following article that someone just forwarded to me, because one it is really fucking good, and two, it is rather appropriate, seems significant, and may help balance the above rantings and ravings. So here it is:

Wonderful day hanging with mom. And then later with the artisan for lunch where we polished off two bottles of Spanish cabernet. Met her boyfriend. Really nice guy. loves her a lot. He has three kids and though both of them are madly in love they are really coming to crossroads over her not wanting to be involved with raising three kids that are not her own, even if they were her own, she's just not as into it as the situation may need her to be. that is real life shit there. its amazing how real life can come in to spoil a perfectly good fantasy. But in the final analysis, I see them working it out and staying together. I must say the guy made a really good impression on me. she would be lucky to have him.

I found myself very inspired by seeing him with his children. Made me feel all yummy and homey inside. There is that aspect to life. I don't come in contact with it very often being in the circles that I am in, but its there and the older I get the more I dig it.

Last screening: watched Dogma with the Artisan tonight. this is his best movie. Classic. Hilarious.

Current read: still reading a little bit of the Richard Branson biography each day for inspiration. This week someone called to offer a hundred and five thousand dollars for one of my new business ventures and not two days before I was just thinking how great it would be if I could get more capital for that one; I was reading the Branson book and paused a moment to think about this new business idea I have been developing for the last few years and just focused on it for a few minutes, created that I had the capital and the right partner for it and then bam like magic I receive this call two days later. To be successful at business, you have to be good at what you do, but you also have to acknowledge the part that a little bit of luck plays in it as well.

Dreams

I have never done that before. perhaps only a few times, where I could wake up and then decide to deliberately go right back into the same dream again. that was fantastic. The first time I woke up was 830, and then I woke up a few times in between only to go back into it immediately until 10! That's an hour and a half in the same dream. I am awestruck and filled with wonder. I have always been told that the longest dream you can have is 90 seconds but I do not believe it.

Perhaps it was not a dream, but more of an astral travel... no, just my mind.... I have always been led to believe that dreams are just our minds playing tricks and games with our ideas, notions, hopes, desires, and fears; working things out while we are asleep trying to make sense of things so we don't go insane.... this theory still makes sense to me. so I never question the meaning of dreams or nightmares. I just enjoy them. let my mind do what it needs to. but what can be said about a dream that lasts for an hour and half? Where you are able to transport yourself to a place over and over again every few minutes and go right back into the same world. that was quite something.

And the feeling that I awoke with from the dream was magical. Quite magical. I feel a profound sense of sunny peace and joy within me from it.

I had a dream this morning that startled and moved me so much that I awoke at 6:57 am breathing heavy, almost hyperventilating; I am up now to take notes on it before I forget it.

Girl very beautiful wanted me, met her where? at a public place I remember. But she showed up, I was surprised, at my house, but not my house, my grandparents condo on the beach, what was i doing there. she had a gun, I had a gun, I could tell while we were making out that it was a setup, she was a setup, she was supposed to kill me, I had seen her gun, I had already pointed the gun at her, she admitted it, I was so saddened, but I loved her, I was infatuated with her, there was this bond between us, this karmic destiny, she had a job to do, she confessed it, but we still were fooling around, because of this tragic attraction,  I kissed her everywhere, all over her body, she laid there loving it, intoxicated by our chemistry, I kissed her arms and shoulders and underarms and she teared up from the beauty of the moment,  it was wonderful, she was crying, I began crying, from the beauty of it, she then went to kill me, in some way, how I don't remember, yes I do, she had a gun, she could not kill me, she shot, it misfired, she stood there in silence, I stood up, I pointed the gun at her, sunlight was coming into the room now, it was becoming morning now, she stood next to the bed not facing me, afraid to face me, ashamed to face me, I knew I had to shoot her, I didn't want to shoot her, but knew I had to, she had just shot at me, I would be dead now if her gun wouldn’t have misfired, she sobbed, I shot her in the chest from the side, she hunched over and started to convulse a bit, I stood there watching her, so that is what it looks like when someone gets shot I thought, I felt as though I was reliving something that was meant to be, something that had to be, I was only playing a part in it, a part I was obligated to play, I was miserable in that moment as I watched her convulse, I went to shoot her again, but my gun would not work. I ran out of the condo, down the stairs, all of a sudden I was a kid again, in high school or junior high school, I was sad lonely scared, felt like a rebel, felt like a bad kid, felt like it was me against the world, feeling like I didn't fit in, running from everyone, running for my life, I had my gun in my back pocket and her gun in my front packet, I tried to hide it from the people on the street, all of a sudden I was in an industrial neighborhood, back in the old warehouse district where I spent my early twenties as a singer in rock bands, I was running through the streets when two guys saw me, I hid the guns, they saw the guns, I was overwhelmed with that same feeling I used to have as a kid, like I was an outlaw and everyone was out to get me or punish me or take me away for something that I had done but didn't mean to do or didn't intend to do, I had this feeling my whole life until I was about 25 years old, I was always since the day I could remember overwhelmed with a heavy feeling of guilt covering me like a blanket that everyone could see, and there I was in it again, the men stopped me, I tried to play it cool, casual, they saw through it, saw my gun, I showed it to them and I was surprised to see that it was a toy gun, a home made gun, it didn't work, they let me go, but as I walked away they noticed the other gun in my back packet, they chased me, I ran, through the streets and through the warehouses, I realized that I was getting very near my old studio, that's where I was, back in the same warehouse district where my studio was, I have dreamed of this old studio many times before in the last ten years since selling it, and everytime I dreamed of it, it was still operating, but without me, I know that in real life this isn't true, it has long since been abandoned, I think it is a t-shirt factory now, but everytime I dream of it I go in as a customer, as the old owner, and there are new people running it, and I am always amazed that it is still running, why I dream this consistently year after year I do not know, but in this dream I was operating under the idea that I have in my dreams, that it was still there, and that somehow it was a safe haven, if I could just get there, I would be safe, I could call my uncle, and he would get me to safety, but the men saw me, they called to me, they tried to act like everything would be alright, but I knew they were just talking, that they were going to get me, I had no choice, I didn't think about it, I hid behind a wall, took aim, and shot one of them right in the head, he disappeared, now I was done for, I had done it now, I was a fugitive, I had to get to the warehouse where my studio was, the other man got very close to me, I hid, but I could see him, he could see me, he aimed at me, I aimed the gun at him, he told me to put it down, why? so I could get shot? I aimed at him, but I could not get the sites to line up on my gun, why? this was my 357 magnum, it was the perfect gun, I had used a hundred times before, it had perfect sites, I knew this, what was happening? I tried to aim anyway, I finally got the sites to line up and I shot right at his forehead, but the gun misfired, I was a goner, I remember in that moment stopping for a moment to think about what I should do, do I run, I will get shot, I went to run and he ran towards me, I was done for, I would be caught, I woke up at that moment and found myself panting and breathing very heavy. For a few I laid there and tried to take it all in. it seemed so real. So important. But it nothing. It was only a dream. But I forced myself to get up and take notes on it.

I know what this dream means. I knew it within a few minutes of taking these notes what it was about. I laid back down and sobbed for a few minutes. In short bursts of agony and deep emotion. I just allowed myself to cry. because I knew what it was all about. and there was great relief in it.

Great day. amazing dreams. I had the most amazing dreams last night, this morning. I didn't want to wake up. felt like I was in heaven or something. They were all about love and romance and kisses and music. there were two girls with me all night in my dreams, really nice. one was more forward than the other. I couldn’t choose. I wanted to make them both happy.... I didn't want to wake up! really really nice. I even dreamed about going to church and that was even great. It is amazing how dreams can do that to you. Dreamed of happiness, never ending happiness, family, a girlfriend, I had two girls kissing me, one who was softer more elegant and one who was more cool and rocker chick-like, I wanted the rocker one but she was less aggressive, U2 had a new tour called Realology. Which they don't, so if I like the idea in a few days still, I'll take it for us.

And then later in the evening on the bus I met this girl on the subway. Great energy. Out there. great smile. And we are talking on the subway across the aisle. And it was going great, and then out of the blue this lady says to us ‘could you please sit closer if you want to talk. I don't want to hear all of your details...’ and we are like shocked by her behavior. And so then someone says ‘only in New York.’ and then this mad woman turns to me and says ‘I was born and raised in Miami you bastard!’ I was more than shocked. I was like, get me off this subway car before this woman pulls out a gun or something and goes postal on everyone. Everyone just sat there silent and looking at each other raising their eyebrows. Crazy. anyway, she proved my point about Miami. no manners. she was an animal. Anyway, off the train I dashed because we were at my stop and I didn't want to ruffle the feathers of this crazy lady anymore and I never got the number to the girl. But I did give her our band name. so maybe she will read this one day and realize holy shit that guy wanted to get my number. O.k. if you ever read this, girl in the hat with the great teeth, EMAIL ME.

Chicks always think that because you are in a band you have no business being shy, because you get so many girls. And that is true. we get a lot of girls throwing themselves at you. but that's a different scene. And a lot of times they aren't the girls you want to take home to mom. You know. and that's what sucks because the girls you do want to take home to mom don't ever approach you because they already know what kind of girls throw themselves at singers in rock bands and they don't want to have anything to do with it. so that sucks. So you never meet the kind of girls you want to. The truth is that on the street or the train, I am just shy as hell. I'm beyond shy. I'm like scared shitless when I'm talking to girls. I don't know why. maybe I was traumatized by a girl when I was a kid or something. when I met Cleopatra it took me over a month to ask her out, and even then I didn't really ask her out. I asked her to go help me find an animal my grandma thought she had in her garage. That was our first date. Low risk. In case she hated me. its like a curse I live with. Maybe all men do. constantly approached by women who are nice and all but that you don't want, and scared shitless to even look girls in the eye that you do want. And then there's the whole issue of saving yourself for a woman who you think is going to be good enough for you, but the whole time you're worried that you're not good enough for any woman who would be good enough for you. it’s a fucking nightmare.

But I can’t even ask girls for their number or any of that. this girl is shoving her hands in my face to smell her new hand cream and I'm still trying to pretend like I'm not interested so just in case she notices that I am interested she doesn’t like reject me or tell me to fuck off. Also I guess it’s the whole boyfriend thing. I hate that. when they have a boyfriend. then what? You're like, oh well he's a lucky guy, yuk yuk. And you slither away like some worm. I hate that. so I never approach girls or ask them out. I just wait for them to ask me out. Now I just ask to be put on the waiting list. Just here take my card anyway and add me to the waiting list if you guys ever break up. it could be two years ten years who knows. but just give me a ring and say hey remember me? I turned you down like ten years ago because I had a boyfriend. Well guess what? I'm free now. lets go out. and chances are, I'll still be single because I'm so fucking shy.

Current spin; the new Jim Camacho album, stalker songs. Fucking great heartfelt acoustic music. this guy is on fire now and TMG is going to do everything we can to get him more out there. I love his talent. Extremely admire it.

Last screening: COMEDIAN, documentary about Gerry Seinfeld trying to make it in standup again. I would never be a standup. That is a brutal business.

Another thing about dreams. we often attribute a lot of significance to our dreams. but the older I get and the more whacky dreams I have the more I have come to believe that dreams are just random nonsensical synapses firing, as opposed to some meaningful predictions or indicators of something.

Today we walked in central park and I happened to come upon this big sign that showed where we were and all the other little areas of the park and what goes on in each area. It showed this one pond area where “children ice skate each winter” and that's when it occurred to me where I actually was. what an entirely different world it is indeed to live in the north than in the South. When you live in the Southern states of America you only see that kind of thing on TV or in the movies so it is all very unreal. Seems like a totally different world. not of our known universe. And yet even if you go skiing or snowboarding every year, you still don't feel connected to it. but then you get here and you begin to realize that it is after all real. People do ice skate every year in their own backyard. Wow.

*** it is not the best city in the world to be fair to other cities, but I would say that in all fairness it may be the best place in the world. something like that.

Last screening: what the bleep do we know? good film. all should see it. doesn’t say much new if you are already a new-ager or into quantum physics. but you will still enjoy it. just being among like-minds for a short time will give much comfort.

By the way, Christopher reeves died today. I am writing it, but I cannot believe it. now I fear for the worst. I had just always envisioned that in the next couple of years that we would all wake up one day and discover that Chris was up and walking on his own. That was the great promise of the superman. THAT WAS the dream. But that dream is lost now. seems like a bad omen.

Last night I dreamed that I had killed a few people. the agony over it, the irreversible guilt and agony was miserable to bear. You wouldn’t imagine. An intense secret that weighed very heavy. Constantly trying to hide from everyone that I came into contact with.

Yet another hurricane is hitting South Florida. Reminds you of all those Nostradamus/Edgar Cayce/bible predictions about the end of the world.. that's four hurricanes this year. but as I was walking through tropical storm force winds today barely able to stand up, I was thinking about the whole end of the world scenario that the various religions love to look forward to, and honestly I don't see it happening. Supposedly, the whole southern tip of Florida is supposed to go back under the water, more than half of California is supposed to be destroyed by earthquakes (o.k., that one is plausible), and the island of New York is supposed to get destroyed and go back under water... About Florida though, I'm thinking about it, and even if we have twenty hurricanes in a row, Florida is not going under water from hurricanes. Maybe from severe tidal waves for days at a time or something... but not hurricanes. California on the other hand, well, I wouldn’t live on an earthquake fault line if you paid me to live there, let alone the other way around. That's just asking for trouble. They could go under any day and not even be warned about it. just one day, bam! Earthquake. Not for me. so I think Florida is safe. But I guess we will just have to wait and see. You can certainly get yourself in quite an uproar if you start paying too much attention to all these end of the world predictions. I used to be obsessed with it, but I just decided that it wasn't being much of service to myself or anyone by paying attention to it. when it comes to hurricanes, we are lucky in the fact that we have plenty of warning with them, unlike tornadoes or earthquakes. We just can’t totally predict where they are going to strike, and we can’t get them to go away. Opus and I were amazed when thinking about it how there's no number or anything that we can just call up and say ‘hey we love your whole hurricane idea and all, but its been a bit much lately. How much to make it go away? Like all Americans I am confounded whenever I discover that I cannot buy my way out of something. unfortunately natural disasters are one of the few things that fall into that category. Here is basic info about hurricanes and what the hell they are. http://www.local10.com/weather/3757281/detail.html#

Date, what date?

Dear Jules,

Yesterday I wrote the below, and rambled some reply... in response to your email. got busy, never sent it, then decided not to because its just me rambling. But I will use it for something. post it to the diaries... at least I can use it for the diaries, the great American online novel experiment... I hope you don't mind I steal our lives for my life’s work. All part of the great work the psychic told me about years ago. God that was fifteen years ago he told me about me becoming famous for these things... me rambling about my life he said... he told me it would be my life fictionalized or perhaps fiction that was portending to be my life... he couldn’t quite get his words around what he was seeing but said he was sure about it and it would come when it was ready... and that I would know when it happened... at the time I had no idea what he was talking about and thought he was clueless. I just wanted to be a singer at the time. Little did I know... 

See Below for some interim chatter: wish us luck here, another hurricane is headed our way... and me homeless at the moment down here. I have an apt in New York already but unable to get there due to my office being here and having to be so busy working for all the band niz right now.... and trying to figure out how to get all my stuff to the city. so I'm here just living out of a suitcase. Strength you said. Yes strength has been the major calling card as of late.

Keep up the reiki. Till I get moved in up there. you are one hell of a beautiful person and I appreciate the positive vibage floating my way. and if my being a guinea pig is helping in any way, then great. Feel free to check back for objective feedback.

See below for more:

Last night a vision. no not that first. This first. More important.
 
Last night in a dream I met you again my love. There was this moment where we met and I immediately started kissing your shoulders and neck playfully. Do you remember? I wonder? I dream of you every night now. do you dream of me? how happy and natural I was kissing you, as if I had known you forever. the dreams come so often now that sometimes I forget until a few minutes into my waking hours. Where ever you are, now I know you are close. I know that you exist now. and I cannot wait to meet you.

Careless and homeless now. temporarily renting a room at some friends’ house, living out of a suitcase, just me and my laptop and my guitar. Everything else I own stored in this giant warehouse. Much fun. great feeling of liberation. I basically just spend all my time at the office now. fourteen to sixteen hours a day. go back to the little room and watch a DVD on my laptop for a few minutes and then fall asleep. Wake up and head back in to make it all happen. phone Internet phone Internet phone Internet phone Internet phone Internet.

My current host Opus is from Spain. A small village there called Huesca. lives here now part time. he works in the wine business.  everyone from the executive office / shared office space that I have met is cool, self employed entrepreneur types. Such a difference between these people and normal nine to five people. many of them, like myself, are in that office seven days a week, working till eleven o'clock at night every night, building their businesses. Each of us knows what the other does and inspires the other. Opus is building his wine business. Marc is building his graphic design business. Ted builds his law firm. I'm building our record company. Its very cool. if someone goes home early, say, at nine pm instead of eleven, we give him a hard time. ‘man, you're going home pretty early, what's up?’ its funny. Anyway, I'm staying with opus for a few weeks till I move to New York.

This morning at breakfast talking with Opus about inventions. I whip out my black book and tell him, ‘thank you, I just remembered I had this vision last night right before sleep.’ ‘oh man, do tell. What was it?’ I explain how in the future we already know that our computer monitors will be projected up into the air rather than on a screen or monitor. We agree. And also, that they will be three dimensional, holographic. Yes, agreed. But last night I had this vision that I was able to move my screen image around the room with a pen control or a remote of some kind. That it wouldn’t be obligated to be stationary. In other words, if you were in the other room and I was looking at something cool, I could just drag and drop my whole screen over to you in the other room. This three dimensional holographic image would appear in front of you just by me dragging it over to your direction. Wow. O.k. now we’re onto something. yes this will happen. i saw it last night...

Flashback: 1997, I am in the shower and I have this vision of us all being tapped into this infinite web of consciousness through our own personal servers that are somehow in every room of our house. even there in the shower. we have the possibility of seeing the content – with permissions – of everyone else's personal servers. So when we wake up and ‘plug in’ or ‘tap in’ we have the option of seeing an infinite amount of content from millions of other users all over the world while we are bathing or eating breakfast for instance... millions will have their own blogs. Their own voyeur cameras hooked up at their houses filming their every move. And we will have the ability to view all of this, focusing only on what we want to in that moment.

Dreams were crazy. dreams being nothing more than symbols of our feelings desires hopes fears etc, I don't pay much attention to the facts or figures of dreams, just the underlying meaning. Last night we saw a boy in front of my supposed house, which at first I didn't even know, in the dream, was my house. he was loading a bunch of gear into a duffle bag. Whoever I was with, I don’t know him, yelled to me, look, he is stealing all of your stuff. I didn't pay any attention to this. we continue to talk. A few minutes later they tell me again. I realize maybe there is something to it. I chase the guy down. We run a few minutes. I catch him. it is true. he has this whole bag of my things. he starts pulling them out of the bag one by one. and what's weird he is doing it with total non-chalance, as if its no big deal that he was just stealing all of my things. in the dream, I was thinking, ‘this is so weird. This is just totally twilight zone.’ But when I awoke I knew what the dream was about. And I knew what I need to do about it. sometimes I think I allow too much lenience with people just to not rock the boat and keep things smooth. But you know, that's only one personality type. Other people are totally different than that. they are hardcore always looking out for number one types. I have to pay better attention to maintaining a good balance between the two.

Note to self: Breakfast in your room at the Waldorf Astoria costs a lot; don't eat it there. Breakfast was $36 in my room. and this was just coffee, carrot juice, and muffins. I still feel like I have to throw up from the shock. I have found it impossible to eat from my stomach being so upset. I think they call that sticker shock. I don't think I have ever had it, being as good as I am at over paying for things and not noticing, I am kind of an expert at it, so I never experienced sticker shock before, but this morning was different.

[last weekend Beav and I were discussing buying cars and he tells me how he went into the dealers and did all this negotiating till he got his last car for like 6,000 less than the list price. And I told him how I knew the sticker price and went in and just paid it, totally forgetting to negotiate price. I even knew the cost of each option because I had researched them and just added them all up and said o.k. this car should cost xxx, and paid them. The sales guy was shocked. Beav was like ‘you did what?! What are you crazy?!’ “Dude, I know it sounds crazy, but I totally forgot that we could bargain with those guys about the price. I just gave them what the sticker said on the window.” “Oh my God dude, you need help. Please don't do stuff like that on your own anymore without me or mom being there. please. fuckin A dude.”] 

Eating breakfast in the bathtub this morning, I turned over the silver fork and it says Waldorf Astoria on the back and then below that “made in Korea.” Now how the hell are we supposed to enjoy our meal if we see that on the back of the fork? Imagining all these people in these sweatshops churning out this cheap silver that they just stamp waldorf Astoria. I mean, what the hell does that even mean at this point? I mean why stamp your name on it at all? you obviously didn't make it. you had nothing to with it. its not fine sterling silver or anything you should even be proud of. Its not made in some meticulously hand crafted manner by respected artisans or anything that anyone would give a shit about. Its just a fork made in Korea. And that my friends is what's wrong with this whole outsourcing thing. I'm not expressing myself well here; not enunciating the exact problem with how distasteful the experience was... now granted, Hilton bought the waldorf, so it isn't even very waldorf anymore. Its more Hilton, which is bad enough, and probably why there was so much vacancy there that I was able to get two nights for next to nothing. The Plaza certainly feels like a finer hotel. But still, you expect a certain something there, and as much as I try to, I cannot force myself to enjoy eating on a fork that says made in Korea, if the establishment that is offering you the fork is attempting to put on the air of fineness and quality to everything it does. It just doesn’t click somehow.

Spent a few hours at the macanudo club on 63rd street. A very darkly lit, richly wood paneled library looking bar where mostly men go to smoke cigars and read and work and hang out. I read an excellent article by financial advisor John Maulden there explaining that the reason why self-investors almost always fail is because they grab at the right investments at the wrong time, when they’re on their way up, rather than at the bottom. Ran into liv tyler who was hanging with you know who.

Idiot Fuckheads: a recent ad from Toyota reads: Our blue sky: more US manufacturing jobs, cleaner US manufacturing plants. .... and then ...” Toyota’s US operations account for more than 190,000 jobs...” and then in tiny little barely-legible print at the very bottom of the page, there is this disclaimer. *Toyota components and vehicles are made using many US sourced parts. Direct US employment: 31,040 jobs as of 12/03. Why does everybody have to be a bastard?

Woke up early this morning to an amazing and horrifying dream. I was one of the people who had to jump off one of the twin towers in nyc. There was no way down so we were up there and we just had to jump. We could have waited but we were being engulfed by the smoke. We never once considered that we would survive the jump. It wasn't about that. it was more like having to make a choice in the moment between the fire that was about to surround us at any minute and just jumping to our deaths. I was at the ledge and there were a few others. I do not know who they were now. but in the dream they felt like real people to me; people that I knew very well. probably people from the office that I have now.
 
When I was just about to jump that is when I started to become cognizant that it was a dream. I told myself to try to stay in the dream for as long as I could. I have heard the theory that if you die in a dream that you will die in real life as well. right there in your bed. But I discreated that belief and I have died a few times in my dreams only to wake up from them panicking for a few minutes. So I knew that it is possible to die in one’s dreams and still survive in real life. what happens really is that you die for a brief moment and then you wake up and realize that you were only dreaming. Its traumatic indeed. But you do survive.

I stood on that ledge this morning in a complete panic but somehow in control still. In brief milliseconds I contemplated the outcome. I pictured the results of my jump. I laid there with my eyes closed trying my best to imagine what it would be like to just let go and jump off that ledge. There would be no turning back. how long would I remain conscious after jumping? Would I make it all the way to the bottom still conscious? I don't think we will ever know the answer to that question. I have heard the theories that when you jump like that, that you die of a heart attack before you land. I would hope that is true. so that is a belief that I would like to keep.

I scored a bottle of percs from Dina due to her recent surgery. She hates the way they make her feel she tells me. calls me and asks me if I want them. she was my personal assistant for a few years so she knows my affinity for them. one of the many insane duties in her charge was to try to procure them for me whenever I would get the inkling. Usually from the Internet or from doctors who would take a kickback for the script, or the occasional trip to the dentist. [there is so much to the world of rock and roll that cannot even be written about. Suffice it to say that; that for every insane or shocking thing I write about publicly, there are ten more that are totally unspeakable and truly unwritable. Put it that way.] “you know I'm always still looking out for you boss,” she sings to me over the phone after she tells me about the bottle. I love that. I just love how I manage to keep all the wonderful people in my life years and years after our paths cross and uncross.

Morning. Dreams were insane last night. just woke up. room service brings me coffee and orange juice in bed every morning. I don't even have to get up. I just yell ‘come in!’ and they walk in and set down a tray on the desk. Awesome. Must become wealthy so this becomes my full time life again. Try to get the dreams down before I forget them.

There was Laura again. This is the third time I have dreamed of Laura that I can remember in the dream [but in waking state I do not know who this is.] In the dream I watched as the characters played the story and the retelling of the story out in front of me while I directed. As I watched, I remembered already writing this scene in the diaries before. Laura tells her father that she is a courtesan or geisha to me as his mistress is to him. the father is enraged. In fact this is the first now that I am awake that I have ever heard of this story and now don’t understand the significance.

The story of Laura I remember tearfully telling her mother or an older woman friend of ours. Laura was depressed. Laura would slowly get into this kind of deep depression and life would be unbearable for her. I would do everything to help her. this was the third lifetime I have spent with Laura trying different things I told the older woman, and still it doesn’t appear to get any better. All of a sudden I could see all three lifetimes. I took this for granted and yet I was amazed by it at the same time. as if wow isn't that strange that I can see all three lifetimes so clearly now in this one lifetime. I continued to tell the woman, The first time Laura and I killed ourselves together. she killed herself and then I did right afterwards. Then in the next lifetime Laura killed herself alone. That didn't seem to help either. And in this lifetime we had something else planned. I do not remember what. She would probably die again from her depression.

The insanity escalated as we tried to ward off this evil force that was trying to control or take over Laura. It was I and Laura’s father who were trying to fight it. huge clouds of fire bursting out all over the place as this dark force screamed at us in this deep voice. He said that we could escape if we could sing a song that had nothing to do with him.... I sang and was immediately lifted up into the air away from the scene. I tried not to think about what was going on below but I kept going back to the scene with my mind and therefore I kept bouncing back into the scene. I would sing and up I would float, and then back to the scene.

I had many visions of an ongoing war that had begun on the earth. Punks were gathering and doing battle. Thousands of people getting slaughtered in the streets. and thousands of aliens also. Lots of smoke and ships hovering overhead. I watched. As if it was on TV. The world was at war with aliens it seems.

Later I prepared my car to go to the war. I had to drive to California—who was the girl this time?—she was older. I was not into her. why was I with her? I was packing my car with stuff. I was filling it with fuel. Beaver was helping me get ready. I was dreading the trip cross country. I was driving a huge RV.

There was a war with the middle east. We were marching down one of their streets. I saw the people in the different fields fighting. The streets were littered with debris and bodies. I talked with my fellow soldiers and we spoke about just blowing them all up at once. How easy it would be. we recited German poems about doing it. We were in a store buying supplies. You could buy these little mini-fans, that we used as propellers of some kind to launch bombs. I told the men behind the counter that we were considering blowing them all up, and he said look at all the progress we have made there. we would have to rebuild all of it again. I told him that I was just there in the battle field and trust me there is nothing to rebuild. It is just a bunch of shit right now. they are attacking us from everywhere right now. we need to blow them all up and start over.

Many sexual exploits the last few weeks, which I cannot go into in the diaries. One recently involving the Moroccan girl was extraordinarily memorable. I will throw it into the future so as never to lose it in my library of recollections.

With this said, for the record of the time, I still feel lonely as hell in general, a deep sad loneliness inside of me. the kind that says ‘I don't care what kind of experiences you are having... if it isn't the purest deepest most connected magical thing ever, then forget about it.’ Longing to meet the one who owns my heart already. I wouldn’t trade these experiences for anything. Except for one thing. And that would be to meet HER. I'm a lucky guy and I know it. And I am filled with appreciation for how lucky I am to have these experiences. But I still cannot help but look into the eyes of every girl I meet everyday and wonder...

I fell asleep soon after this wild and spontaneous experience last night with the Moroccan girl lying next to me; I awoke to the craziest dream a few hours later. There was this girl praying to God; she was kneeling down in this giant white room. Soon I realized that it was actually me. But I was a girl. I was a Christian girl. And I was praying to the Christian God. on my knees. In deep prayer. God hovered out in front of and high above me.

In the next moment God whispered something to me about who he was. It was as if a curtain had been lifted. Many of them. and all of a sudden the white room I was in was no longer white. But instead, hundreds upon hundreds of little rooms, just like the one I was kneeling in, were appeared all around me. and hundreds and hundreds of other people on their knees praying to the same God. I saw all kinds of people below me, next to me, above me, and across from me. Everywhere, as far as I could see. it was like this giant three-dimensional labyrinth. And I was just one of thousands of people all looking toward the center. Toward this godlike light radiating out to all of us. everyone was praying at once, and in all these different languages.

Current Read: studying ancestry.com. trying to find my last 25%. trying to research where my father’s father’s family is from. I have them traced back six generations. Florida to Ohio to Indiana to Virginia to Iowa to Kentucky [in reverse order]. But still no mention of what country they originated from. I seriously had no idea that my American roots went so far back. And I certainly didn't know it was from such ... middle American states. mostly farmers. So one could say I'm 25% farmer. They were all born ‘at home’ and each wife had like six to eight children before they died at a rather young age. I think having all those kids at such young ages with no medical facilities took its tool on women back then. The research I find exciting and humbling. I just had no idea I was so American. So I really am, at least partly, a full on American in my blood. Searching the census reports is very cool. but I'm about as far back as I can go now, and cannot find any of the names of my great great grandfathers parents. So now I'm at a loss to know what to do next. No birth certificates because of the home births so they're just showing up on census reports here and there. and at the time census reports weren't asking for parent’s names. Tricky. The story has always been that they were from Ireland Scotland Wales or England. Depending on who you ask. So who knows. it would be nice to know though since I have the rest of my family traced back now. the great ‘who am I and how did I get to be who I am’ game.

The dream:

This morning at 7 am I awoke to one of the most beautiful dreams. A series of small scenes. I had a dog that when my cell phone would vibrate he would bring it to me in his mouth. I thought this was so cute and I told Juliet about it. Because strangely enough, Juliet was staying at my mom’s house. It was such a warm cozy feeling that I still feel emotional writing about it. why was she there? I don't know. I watched her as she opened presents. she was unwrapping presents, one was a juicer. I was just watching. Perhaps not even participating in that event. She was so happy, so full of joy. like a child. I found a very deep and giddy feeling watching her so happy. later in the kitchen, I watched her and my mom talking and cooking. Juliet was again happy and curious and filled with questions and observations about life. later that night, mom called to make sure that we were eating properly. She was out. it was late. I needed to get to meeting about a music video for us. [if this was a premonition of things to come, the video was coming out excellently. I was very impressed with the guy’s work.] I was alone in the house. Juliet came down the stairs in her underwear and no shirt. We bumped into one another. We hid our surprise well. we talked. As always, we were polite, reserved, and respectful with one another. We stood in the dimly lit kitchen talking and sharing. Like two old souls caught in a moment.

There was more. I cannot remember it right now. all I know is that I woke up so deeply and madly in love with Juliet again, just like when we were children. I could not go back to sleep. Lying there floating in that feeling of love for her. In reality we are worlds apart. But there is something in me that is so tied to her, that honestly it feels as though it is from another lifetime, this connection that I feel to her some times. I cannot explain it. here's the thing. its not just the way she looks. In fact, it isn't so much the way she looks. Because although, yes, I am so captivated by her eyes that I could stare in them forever, her look is not my usual look, or better put, her style is not my usual style, the kind that I prefer... But what it is, it’s the way she is. When she writes I am so absorbed in it that you would think I was reading the original draft of the Magna Carta or something. and the sound of her voice brings chills to me and makes me feel so good when we speak. It gives me a great sense of joy and calm. A special feeling inside that I always find surprising. Why? I have no fucking idea and truly wish it were not that way. Because she is very happy out there in the great north woods doing her hippie thing with this hippie guy who seems like a wonderful man who I would get along fabulously with. Like I said, its not something I would ever speak to her about for many reasons; out of respect for her current relationship, and also because our worlds have grown so far apart that it just wouldn’t be practical for us to entertain anything but a casual acquaintance. But these dreams I have of her are so, what's the word, BIG, and DEEP, and meaningful. And the other signs that pop up about her. I wonder, what is the meaning of them? these other signs? What is the significance of Juliet in the life of Fishy? who is she in the bigger picture? Sometimes when we are speaking, and mentions something about her “man” I want to scream at her, “Would you stop it already?! Don't you know that I'm your man?!” Half the time that I am speaking with her I want to scream ‘I don't know if you're supposed to be with that guy! As crazy as it sounds, Juliet I think you're supposed to be with me!” And trust me, I don't want to say this. I enjoy the way I'm living right now. I enjoy the ancient roman lifestyle so to speak. And Juliet as much as I adore her.... we’re just too different. But here's the deal: then what are the signs about? And sometimes, do you ever think things in our lives are bigger than just us and our own small plans for them. The old master plan concept. Know it well. in the last two days I have met so many beautiful girls, and have just been high from it, the prospects of this Moroccan I met yesterday are especially enticing because I have not been with a Moroccan yet. I will need to add her to the collection either way... But the truth is that when I think of Juliet... no I won't even finish that. Because I bet all I need to do is just see her. just see her in the flesh and then I am sure it will all become clear. I think it’s a kind of psychological thing where I am projecting all that my subconscious mind considers sweet and pure and innocent and intelligent onto Juliet just because I can.... something like that.
        
Of course I say nothing to her. Because who knows. perhaps it’s wishful thinking. Or just an over active imagination. After all, I'm an artist, and as Juliet has reminded me many times over the last twenty years, artists are in love with love. I think that sometimes we become so absorbed with love and romance that we forget that people can have an impact in our lives without having to be our lover or spouse or whatever. In my heart I want to see her in person and stare in her eyes and hear her soft voice in real life. again, tell her that? Juliet, I want to stare in your eyes. crazy. and quite frankly, disrespectful, because she has a boyfriend. So I can see for myself what its all about. i think it would be great to discover that she is a great lifelong friend and nothing more. I would welcome this idea. It would bring me great relief.

But I cannot help but think, what if she isn't just that... and how do I handle it? what if she is the one? does she ever think about it? and what if she is not the one? which is what I suspect? Am am I being disloyal or unfaithful somehow by even considering her as such? May she forgive me whoever she is.

Dreamed of Juliet last night/this morning. Somewhere. We were nowhere, but somewhere in the open. Outside somewhere... We were with a third person. a girlfriend of mine perhaps. We are talking about this feeling we had. ‘When we are together I feel whole,’ I say. ‘...like a whole person...’ she says. ‘If only I would have known,’ she says. It is romantic but it is not sexual. Romantic in a spiritual way, in a God way. Like literature. The girlfriend character tries to take control of the situation. she is taken aback by the understanding between Juliet and I. I expect her to understand. I am sitting next to Juliet. I feel a strong sense of peace and happiness talking with her. I feel like I can trust her completely. She is at ease and content. Just being. This is the fireplace that the oracle had mentioned in her last reading. ‘Juliet is a like a fireplace. Warm, caring, strong. She is a soulmate.’ In the dream I tell her I have a present for her and her boyfriend. I have a deep understanding that no matter the strong feelings I have that my mission is to honor her and her family, what she already has. What I already have. That I am not getting in the way of that. I am in appreciation of our understanding and connection.  

I wake up. I feel so enlivened by this chance meeting in the dream. I feel grounded by it. I keep going back to reflect on the scenes from the dream, to try to capture the feeling of it; I feel strong and healthy and happy from it.

Continuing to edit The Adventures of Fishy. a few pages everyday. Revisiting the old world. Harrowing and emotional.

Jazz calls and coos me to sleep.

Little Tree coming to visit.

Tour dates continue to be added. As band members continue to come and go. Now more than ever I must believe in myself. Believe in what this is all about. the songs. And the sound. And the message. No wonder all of our heroes were drug addicts. This is not easy. The uncertainty. And the lack of stability of it. I resist the temptation to escape and breathe deep. Vancouver knows that we are about to tour for three or four months but hasn’t called anyone in the band. Pretends he was never in the band. Infinito is out of the tour, still recording a new album together, but out of the tour. When push comes to shove we have discovered that a lot of guys are scared shitless to pack everything up and spend months on the road. afraid of being gone so long, afraid of not being able to eat right, afraid of not seeing anyone they know, afraid of not having any money... and yet for some of us it seems like the opportunity of a lifetime. So we continue to rehearse and hone our sound. And new guys hop aboard.

Pause

Tonight we had an absolutely brilliant rehearsal for the new album material. A hard album. Tricky and hard-edged sounding. It will challenge fans. Certain fans who love rns or swy or nic. This is a totally different sounding album. sounds like the police meets tool meets nirvana.

Later after rehearsal I receive an email from Juliet telling me that she dreamed of me last night where we were sitting having a long conversation. I was amazed. How very Richard Bach of us.

Another night of tossing and turning and vivid dreaming... I cannot remember a night in months where I wasn't entirely awake during my sleep, watching myself dream, taking notes, making corrections.... it is not a good thing. I long for real sleep. Deep sleep. I dreamed of Juliet again. I have noticed that I dream of her often. I don't think that it is she that I am dreaming about specifically as much as just what she has come to represent momentarily in my subconscious mind.

Have noticed the death of Fishy has begun. A slow death. But he is happy to be finally departing. If I wasn't charting the course by continuing to write the diaries then I believe it would happen even faster. Can I make the transition to Tobias Guess completely and still write daily as I always have? Does Tobias write daily as Fishy always has? I remember that between the years 1996 to 2001 when I was at the peak of the Ambassador years that I wrote almost nothing at all. just made notes now and then to remind myself what I would write one day, mostly lists of achievements and accomplishments. Now it seems that my grandest achievements are in the words and dreams and not in actions.

There is so much about this character Fishy that I have now grown tired of. The whining, the sophomoric self obsession, the nagging suspicion that everything won't work out for the best, the underlying nihilism and existential screen that he places in front of everything. I must change. I must put him down for good and resurrect as a new me. The old me. The ambassador was a taste of Tobias Guess. A ghost. A remembrance of what would come, of what could come. I do find inside a subtle pleasure of accomplishment in being a writer. Certain passages leave me with an overwhelming feeling of satisfaction as I fall asleep after hours spent hunched over the laptop. But I never wanted to be a writer. and so I spend absolutely no time promoting myself as a writer or pursuing a career in it, much to the objection of my friends and family. If I am going to achieve something in this life, it will be in the real world and not in the imaginary world of the writer. No.... the writer and the writing is not how I wish to be remembered. Fishy created Fishy because his own life was not yet to the degree that he desired it to be. Tobias Guess on the other hand will rise from mediocrity like the Phoenix for no other reason but that he is that Phoenix.

But the question still remains. How then do I achieve the level of success, of luxury, of accomplishment, of style, of notoriety that befits Tobias Guess? Just as I one day awoke and realized that I was Fishy and that he was no longer merely a character in my mind, I wonder how I can best facilitate the same thing happening to me with Tobias. As I write this the answer is clear. The boy genius Fishy took notes of things. Fishy was and always will be a brilliant chronographer. Setting the details and the events he observed in the world to beautiful songs and thousands of pages of journal entries. But the masterful and magnanimous worldly king Tobias Guess will be and always has been the creator of these world events, rather than just the insightful observer of them.

Last night I dreamed that someone was in our house going through their CD collection... showing us different things. Mom was there. Asleep. What the hell was my mom doing there? Vancouver was there... Bloopy was there. The guy starts acting crazy. Saying crazy things. I'm thinking, ‘this guy is crazy.’ He starts ranting and raving about some CD. I am bored. This is stupid. I was feeling that it was turning into a waste of my time. I'm leaving, but then I look over and see this body lying there.... bloody... he had killed someone. Right there in the house. Didn’t anyone else see it? I knew it. This guy was a psycho. It was a reminder for me, to trust that instinct. Later that night. Time had passed. I was lying in bed. The house was dark and quiet. Everyone was asleep. I laid there awake. Staring up at the ceiling. I knew I had to do something. I thought about waking mom up or one of the guys. but I had this realization that it didn't matter, asking anyone else about this. What mattered was that I needed to act. I got up, got dressed, and went outside. I found the man. Out in the front yard. Waiting for me. A twisted soul. An apparition or entity at best. A culmination of anger, confusion, depression, resentment, and neurosis come to life. An undead. Whose? Mine? Someone else’s? Did it matter? I knew what must be done. I strangled the man until he stopped breathing. He did not resist. I then took out a sword, (where did I get a sword?), and stabbed him in the heart as he fell to the ground. I then walked back to the house, went in, and laid in bed some more, my mind reeling. Eventually I fell asleep I assume. I never awoke that morning. And I never awoke from that dream. What did the dream mean, or what does the dream mean, since I seem to still be in it, is not the question. Where the hell am I now? That is the question.

Received a letter from Julia. Reconnecting with old friends from times forgotten seems to be the call of the times we are in.

Last night I killed a man in a dream. We were sleeping. Perhaps it was Cleopatra with me or an amalgam of several women from past and future. She whispered, do you hear that noise? I reached for my gun. I was too tired to open my eyes. I did hear the noise. Someone was in the house. I laid there with my eyes half open and my gun pointed out in front of me. in front of me I saw a figure. Fuck. Someone is here. I must protect her. I shot at the figure. He stopped for a moment but it didn't seem to affect him. so I shot again. my gun was misfiring. He stopped again as if I hit him but there was no blood. He smiled. Fuck I thought. We were fucked. I opened the gun and looked at the bullets. They were all messed up. oh my God. Cleo run. she ran. He ran after her. I ran after him. we all ended up in the kitchen. I shot at him a few more times. my gun was not working properly. What was happening to my gun? I have to save her I thought. I grabbed at the knives and got one out and stabbed at him. he did not bleed. There was no blood. But he fell to the ground. We have to call someone she said. We called someone I don't remember who it was. Told them that I just killed a man in the house. she consoled me. told me it was o.k. he deserved it. just then he opened his eyes. he looked very evil. I was very scared. he spoke to me. Everyone will know that you killed me, he said. And so I stabbed at him again in the chest and again and again. it was terrifying. He seemed dead. I stared at him lying there on the floor cut up. He was pale as a ghost. I awoke. What are dreams?

Met with a rep from universal music today. Good meeting. Learned a lot. Loves the band’s new CD, but slapped a bunch of reports on the desk in front of me and our attorney. Great CD guys, but you're not selling like we want you to be... [I'm thinking o.k. well then sign us and give us some money and we will...but it doesn’t work that way anymore...] they want you to already be selling hundreds of thousands of units before you ever get signed. I know our attorney was bummed. He thought that was going to be it. But instead of getting down I walked out of there inspired. I just felt like, ‘o.k. fine give me a few more months and I'll show them sales if that's what they want....’ I mean, if music isn't art anymore. If its not just art for the sake of art anymore and you can’t be signed on the basis of a rep loving your CD and not wanting to take it out of his stereo, then fine. We got that part down already. We know that. so if its all about numbers then we’ll give them numbers. How? Honestly, I don't know yet. but I know we’ll do it.  

Beav’s birthday today. Glad he was born. Thank God for it. I would die without him in my life. he is the light to my darkness.

Dreamed last night that somehow I ended up in studio/office/communal living space. just ended up there without knowing how or why I was there. I recognized everyone there. many people from my past. But not people I would normally hang out with. Not my ultimate group. but more like just associates. people I am friendly with but would never hang out with or be real close to. and the whole place is filled with them and somehow I am all of a sudden there working with them, and supposedly working with them. something had gone terribly wrong. what the hell was going on? Why was there? it was a gross feeling. It was a lost feeling. I am awake now. I understand the dream. I know what it meant. you cannot spend your time with people or in situations that are not ultimate for you. or you end up going down the wrong path. Like little Genevieve said the other day, I believe there may be more than one soul mate for everyone, just depends on which one you choose. I just sat there thinking about that for a moment. Wow. I think she may be right. Or when the Stallion used to tell me that she didn't necessarily believe in just “one fate.” That if someone fucks up then they fuck up and there they are lost down some path they never should have gone down. I am starting to understand that more and more now. I used to think everything happens for a reason. That “you're in the right place at the right time.” and all that. I don't believe that so much anymore. I think instead that we can really just get off course sometimes and we are not in the right place at the right time. sometimes we can be way off track and everything is not meant to be. this fucking dream I had. what a nightmare. I kept roaming around the different rooms thinking what the fuck am I doing here? I don't really like any of these people. Am I trapped? What is happening? Sometimes we can feel trapped in our lives. By our own circumstances.

[last night Columbia came over to watch a video. We tried to kiss. It didn't work. I think it was the first time that I ever tried to kiss a girl and had it go so badly. I mean, seriously we tried and tried and just couldn’t get it to work. It was weird it was like trying to drive a car that wouldn’t work. It felt like we were robots. It was crazy. and the weirdest part is that we have all these things in common. For weeks I've been so amazed at how aligned we are on so many different things. she loves classical music and opera and brie and guacamole even. I mean, c'mon you'd think we’d be making this mad passionate love by now. but we just can’t get it to work. But the wonderful thing is that we decided to talk about it. I mean, imagine that. no blame or hurt or whatever. we just talked about it and laughed hysterically about it and both decided that we should definitely continue to hang out and become the best of friends but just not ever try to kiss again...]

Last screening: Angela's ashes. Necessary viewing. What a film. Fantastically sad and moving. Even more so because it was true. I wrote on the large drawing pad next to my bed in huge letters the title of the film so I would have to wake up everyday and see it. just to remind me not to be like the father in the film. What a fucking loser. I think that's one of the reasons why I have not ever got married or had children yet. just don't want to fuck it up.

First talk show up went up on TTV: I'm into it. want to do more. http://www.transcendence.com/mediagallery.html

"I often dream about falling. Such dreams are commonplace to the
those who climb mountains, I read once. Lately, I dreamed I was
 clutching at the face of a rock, but it would not hold. Gravel gave way, I
 grasped for a shrub, but it pulled loose and in cold terror I fell into the
 abyss. Suddenly I realized that my fall was relative; that there was no
 bottom and no end. A feeling of pleasure overcame me. I realized that what
 I embody, the principle of life, cannot be destroyed. It is written into the
 cosmic code, the order of the universe. As I continued to fall in the dark
 void, embraced by the vault of the heavens, I sang to the beauty of the
 stars and made my peace with the darkness."

 - Heinz Pagels, physicist and mountain climber

On plane bound for AZ to be with the fam. Tired. I am desperately looking forward to being pampered by mom, hanging with my bro, and playing with the five nieces. And dying to spend time in the snow. This year it'll be big Bear Mountain in California, which supposedly has five separate free-style trails, caters mostly to snow-boarders.

Last night I had this dream that I was able to fly up very high into the air with the aid of these large balloons that I would hold onto underneath each arm. I was running from people---who?---and then jump up. I would jump and up I'd go for miles into the air, this time It looked like perhaps I was in a mall type of a building. I would rise above everything. landing would be very scary, the coming down part, because I would fall down to the ground so quickly. I noticed that my heart beat very quickly as I would come back down, wondering what kind of an impact the landing would have on my legs and body just because I would soar so high. But each time the landing was o.k. and I managed to land on my feet and it didn't hurt so bad each time.

This is the third time this year from what I can remember that I have had this dream, the second one I can remember most vividly, and the first I only remember as i was sure in the second one that it was not the first. That I had already been there a few times before. in that second one as well as the first, there were no balloons involved that I needed to hang onto. I would just jump up and I would shoot up into the sky for miles and then come back down. I was subtly aware that it was all up to me the whole time. that I was the one who was controlling how high I went up into the air, how quickly, and how fast I shot back down. But for some reason I could not quite get control of it. I couldn’t get complete control of how high I would go. it made me feel kind of out of control, and a little frightened. I knew the higher I would go and the farther that I would go the better, but then I worried about how I would get back down. But everytime the landing was alright. I was fine. Interesting. [let yourself go man. Let go bro. Let go and fly bro. Just let it happen.]   

I have noticed that as soon as I decided and declared my desire to make France/French my next country/language to conquer I notice it showing up everywhere in my world the last few weeks. Meeting all these people who are going there to live also.... interesting how that works.