I went out on a date with the Brasilian last night. Again it was hard to ask her out. I don't know why. on my way there, I was not even excited to be going out with her. What the fuck is this? what has happened to me? the whole time we were together I felt like torturing myself. She was speaking and I would be sitting there imagining myself running really fast to smash my head into a building to splatter my brains everywhere. I was just so uninterested in her and so mad at myself for being there with anyone who I was not entirely intoxicated by. One would think I could just be appreciative to be going out with girls....

This game in my head. Back and forth. ‘you like her.’ ‘I don't like her.’ ‘you like her.’ ‘I don't fucking like her. If you like her so much you take her!’ ‘I am you! you idiot. lets like her!’ ‘No! I don't like her.’ ‘what's not to like? Look at her. She has eyes like Julia Roberts. She looks like Julia for God sakes mixed with a little bit of Penelope. She's fucking perfect!’ ‘I don't care. I don't like her. I want her.’ And then I would look over at some girl walking down Lincoln road or sitting across from us at another table. ‘now that's what I want. That girl is speaking Hebrew. I want that. or is she speaking French? either way, I want that.’ ‘dude you are such an idiot. that girl isn't even pretty. Look at this girl sitting in front of you talking. and for God sakes at least nod your head while is speaking so she thinks you are listening to her instead of carrying on a fucking conversation in your head.’ ‘I am nuts.’ ‘you’re not nuts.’ ‘ well then who are you talking to me.‘ ‘I'm you. and you're  me. you're talking to yourself. Its perfectly normal. People do it all the time. don't sweat it. but just keep your nodding so she thinks you are listening.’ ‘God what language is she speaking in again?’ ‘Dude its Portuguese. you know it. c'mon say something back to her. Participate in the conversation. Get interested in her.’ ‘but I'm not interested in her. I don't know why. I'm just not. She bores me.’ I AM SO FUCKING BORED!!!!! get me out of here. I want to go now.’ ‘you can’t go now. you just got here. your food hasn’t even arrived yet. you have to be cool. Just be polite. Be a gentleman.’ 

‘God I want to whip myself. I want to cut myself and bleed. I hate this. I hate going on dates with girls like this. this is so boring and stupid. What if this girl thinks I like her. I have to be rude to her so she doesn’t think I like her. And then she won't get hurt. I have to make her think she doesn’t like me. I will eat without manners. I will make a pig of myself. She’ll hate me by the meal’s end.’ ‘you're such an idiot. look at her. She's hot man. She is really cute.’ ‘I don't care. I'm not going after hot or cute.’ ‘you’re not?! Then what the fuck are we doing?’ ‘we have to find someone who is smart. A girl who is SMART. For God fucking sakes. This is so boring I feel like stabbing myself with this knife right here at the table.’ ‘well I bet she wouldn’t go out with us again if you did that.’ ‘why are you saying us?’ I thought you said that you were me. and I was just talking to myself? What the fuck? God I am crazy’ ‘maybe I'm not crazy. maybe everyone thinks like this.... woe is me. look at her go on and on, talking in that broken English. I don't even feel like correcting her. I'll just pretend she is making sense and shake my head.’ ‘man she is pretty. Maybe she's the one and that's why you're so upset by her. Maybe were sitting with THE ONE right now.’ ‘whatever man. I'll know it when I meet the one. the one will be so exciting and smart and witty and charming that I will be scared shitless like a little child and want to go running around like an idiot. That will be the one. this is not that. although she is very nice. God why can’t I just hang out with her?’ ‘well what if the ONE walks by but you're too busy hanging out with this one. imagine that!’ ‘my God the horror.’ ‘what a mess this is. this whole thing. where is my love?! My Princess in her flowing white dress with that big beautiful shining smile who is so smart that I fall off my horse???!!!’ ‘when I get home I will throw myself under my car and run myself over. This is torture. I cannot bear to be alone anymore. And yet I cannot bear to be with anyone either. I must stab myself in the heart. or jump off a cliff. My life is too confusing like this. why can’t I just get it straight one way or the other?! What do I want?! And why don't I have it?!’

Tonight I went home with this pit in my stomach. i drove down the highway and started screaming as loudly as I could. Just screamed and screamed and screamed. Up into the air. both hands on the wheel. I feel more pain and anguish than I have ever felt before from this. i have no idea why. but there is something about this date that killed me inside. There is something horribly wrong with where I am and what I am doing. I have always been so good at being in the right place at the right time. What the hell is going on now?