New York is snowing now. We have a blizzard here. it has not stopped snowing since 4pm. It is now 10pm. Everywhere you look it is covered in white.... it is quite beautiful. I am sitting in the window box of my bedroom as I do every night with the window open, smoking a cigar and typing and the snowflakes are flying in and landing all over me and my trusty old laptop. It is quite magical. Of course my fingers are freezing... but there is a real joy in the air.

Dasher and I talk about it tonight over a few drinks and a few hits of the water bongs at this underground Moroccan club after a movie. I share with him that people in the rest of the country always wish me a short and warm winter when we are speaking... but I tell them that I would like one or two more blistering blizzardly weeks covered in white. There is something about it that I like very much. Without it, the year does not feel complete... one or two just wouldn’t do. and one can perceive that most people in the city agree by the level of joy and exuberance you feel in the air from everyone all around you in the street and in the stores and on the subways. Remember, that the population here is a whopping 27,000 people per square mile. By far the most dense city in America. And People here are very happy when it snows. Its cold. And I keep slipping on the slippery sidewalks every few minutes. And the cold snow hitting my face as I walk is a tad uncomfortable and frustrating, I must admit. But still... there is something very special about a real winter versus what many other cities and towns experience as winter in the world.

Dasher immediately fills with light and energy when discussing it. “snow is good luck man. When it snows its good luck...” “you believe that?” I ask him. ”Oh yeah man. Can’t you feel it?” “Yes I suppose I do... its magic isn't it?” “Its so many things. its warm and comforting. It makes the city clean, its this comforting white blanket that makes everything seem o.k. for a while... like a fresh start... for us all.” “Yes Dasher. I couldn’t agree with you more.”
Jules tells me “Fishy one day society will catch up with us. we will be able to walk up to anyone we wish and just say ‘I love the way you look today,’ or ‘you have such a pretty face...”” Yes Jules. You know, I am damn close to that now. very close to that level of unabashed freedom and uninhibitedness. I am in this stage of allowing such a thing and find myself more and more each day being in that space full time and as surprising as it may seem... people really react well to it. there are the occasional bitchy noses in the air now and then of course... but in the old days that would have affected me but now... not at all.... I have learned now enough times, had enough of the same realization, about what kind of girls are worth spending time with. Too many occasions now where I have met the most beautiful amazing stimulating girls who are also clean and clear and happy and friendly and kind hearted and without pretense. There will always be hot bitches in the world. but as you grow you begin to realize that that doesn’t mean as much as you once thought it did. for every hot bitch, there are three hot girls who are as sweet and pure as can be. Let the bitches go. you know the thing is is that there are plenty of hot asshole guys out there too. so let the hot asshole guys have the hot bitches and let them play on that field with one another. On that level of consciousness. It has nothing to do with us really does it? After all.

In New York the tendency is close up a little. Everyone does it. we are so packed with people here that one cannot possibly keep it all hanging out as would one could in a more suburban small town American city. or can one? well experimenting with this exact idea as I have for the past six months I have found that one can. and in fact New York may just be one of the most friendly cities in the world. people are very open and very open to others openness. It is uncanny how that works. you can speak with just about everyone and the energy is so high and exciting at almost all times of the day or night that people of all ages and types are willing to engage you in the smallest of talk or the most profound. This is something about New York that I have found no where else in the world. truly.  

Still finding an intense desire to open up more. still feel too closed up inside. From fear mainly I believe. Fear of lack of money. fear of lack of success. fear that I am missing something. fear of being not good enough. Fear of being too bold, too uninhibited. Fear of not working hard enough. And fear of not working smart enough. But these fears, as with all fears... are nothing but thoughts and feelings... and as with all thoughts and feelings, they can be experienced and discreated. I am still dressing in all black 99% of the time. I tell myself that I will change that. that I will let loose with the raving ravishing glamorous and beautiful princess inside of me... or prince. Whichever... but still a little apprehensive about it for some reason... but tomorrow I will reach out a bit further and let go a little more. let go of a bit more of the worry and embrace the boundless energy and enthusiasm for life that bubbles inside of me. this I promise to myself everynight. But everyday I go for the all black. Why?

There is a tendency, I notice inside, to believe that once one thing or another happens that then we can truly let go and be happy. perhaps it is our hearts heart that we long for... our life mate or husband or wife... or perhaps we think that it is just more money that we need. or more fame or more success... but I have had all of those things already and never found myself any calmer or more at peace. So I have come to understand that that is all myth. The mind playing tricks on us. the time is now. no matter where we are or what we have or don't have, the time is now to let it all hang out and truly be the absolute most that we can be in each and every moment. happiness is always ours for the creating. How do we get to this place permanently?

Just starting to study the ancient language of Farsi, or Persian. This is a language that is 4000 years old. This is my first time attempting to learn a language that does not use our alphabet. You really have to let yourself go with something like this. just throw yourself in and go for it. and all the while I am still taking French classes. So I am attempting for the first time to learn two very different languages at once. And to be honest I am not finding it difficult. The human brain is capable of anything we set it to task with. I know this now. we can learn two languages at once. Its amazing how the brain allows you to compartmentalize things like that. quite astounding.

Last screening: Finding Neverland. Well Johnny depp did it. he really did it. he did a brilliant job in this movie. And I am not even the least bit a Johnny depp fan. but he really did it. I thought he did a great job and both Dasher and I found ourselves weeping in this film on several occasions.