Things I have learned from being poor the last six months.

o.k. I'm not really poor. I live on the Upper East Side in Manhattan and our record label’s headquarters are on park avenue. But the truth is that I haven't been able to make ends meet in almost a year. never have enough to eat. always eating toast or oatmeal or cereal. Very sad. Every month it’s a fucking stretch. Everyone I know offers to send me money everyday. But I have really enjoyed the process of climbing back up. I believe I'm in this position for a reason so I have really tried to look for and enjoy the learning. I had not been financially struggling for a long time so this is all very new to me. on the one hand I throw myself full on into my work, and on the other I really try to grab at the lessons along the way, knowing I am here at this place for a reason.

One of the things I have decided to do is start using cash for everything so I could get an idea of what money actually is. for the past ten years I lived on credit cards attached to an expense account. I would use the cards till they declined and then I would whip out another card. When they all declined I would ask for more money and they would be refilled. I know. lucky me. but no longer. So I have decided to use cash for everything. no more cards. So even if I am buying dinner I pay for it in cash. There is nothing like learning the real value of things and the actual cost of things than paying for it in cash. When you pay for things with a card you really have no tangible idea what you are actually paying for it. it is unreal. With cash it becomes very real. I get two hundred bucks in my pocket and 36 hours later it is gone. Now that is fucking real. You feel it. that's been good for me. traumatic but good.

What else? well I have really started to see the value of money. even a dollar. I used to give twenties away to homeless people just for asking. Hearing that Charlie sheen gives away hundreds, I figured twenties was the least I could do. now I give less. Understanding that a dollar is a dollar. It has value.

I never paid attention to things like price before. I always just bought whatever I wanted and never bothered to look at the price. Now I look at prices. I am not saying I comparison shop yet. but I am coming close. I am looking at prices of things.

I am being pickier with what I buy and when I buy it. this feels good. again, I am learning that money has a value. Things have a value.

There are a lot of things that I want that I cannot buy. Although it frustrates me I must say I am enjoying it. sometimes I want a haircut but I cannot get it. I used to go to John sahag to get my haircut and again soon I will I am sure. It used to cost me $300 for cut and dye. the funniest thing is that I used to fly from Miami to New York and stay in a hotel just to go to John sahag. So it really used to cost me about a thousand for my hair. Now I go to this local place close to my apt and it costs me $50 and I swear you cannot tell the difference. This is cool.

So now I have to wait to buy stuff I want. This is teaching me about patience and discipline and being frugal and being honest about where you are. I like this.

I used to spend about fifty bucks on dinner every night. tonight I had a bowl of oatmeal and a few bowls of cereal for dinner. I never understood fast food places. Now I do. sometimes they are all you can manage that day. and you really appreciate them when you are able to afford them.
I am learning to really appreciate other people who don't have money. for a while there I had this attitude that making money was easy and I never understood people who didn't have money. I just thought they were missing something. but it was me who was missing something. lately I have found it harder to make money and I really hate it but at the same time I really like it too because it helps me understand that sometimes you can work really hard and still not make enough money.

And the thing is that people are people no matter if they have money or not. I never got this before. I get it now. we’re all the same. Sometimes you can’t just make money for a while and it sucks but its o.k. you're still a cool person. I am starting to feel closer to regular people.

I am learning the value of our time as it relates to our ability to make money. our time really is money.  I used to come down pretty hard on my assistants for not getting the job done fast enough. And all of my employees. But now I am doing everything myself save but a few jobs like web design and graphics and such and I am really starting to understand that getting things done is not that easy sometimes. I used to say to Lena, hey you’re pretty fucking tense, why don't you get a massage? And she would say with what money boss? Well now I haven't had a massage in six months. I understand this now. Next time I have a large staff I will not be such a prick.     Good stuff.

Money = our ideas + our time + our energy. You have to have discipline. You have to make good use of your time. you have to make good use of your ideas. You have to actually do something about your ideas. That's where energy comes in. and time. and that's WILL and DISCIPLINE. No one is going to make you make money, unless its making money for them. you have to force yourself to do it. I hate it but I love the learning.

I used to enter into a lot of business deals and contracts and hire people just because I felt obligated to do so. just to be a good guy. now I can’t do that anymore. I really have to pay attention to what will work and what is necessary versus what I just want to do to be a good guy. again, this is good stuff. learning a lot.            

Another thing. I notice now in reflecting that I used to use money to feel good. nothing new in that. except when you get to the other side of it and really understand that that's what you were doing. Going to money instead of going inside to get to the bottom of whatever is making you feel bad. If I was having a bad day or feeling lonely I would go buy shit. again nothing new. listen to modern urban music. that's all they sing about. sex and buying shit. but at some point you gotta go deeper than that. When you don't have any money you can’t be buying shit to feel good. you gotta find alternatives. You gotta go inside and see what its about. take a walk or something. I like that. I'm learning how to recognize when I'm feeling blue and tackle it right there rather than just go on a shopping spree to feel better. In the end that's not going to help much anyway. Just postpones the examination and prolongs the pain. then you end up rich and unhappy or snotty or snobby or rude or mean. certainly not a well-integrated happy person. so I'm digging this not having money thing a lot right now. learning a lot. I can’t complain about it.

Current spin: lenny Kravitz, baptism. This is a great LENNY ALBUM. Its been a while, but this is a really good album. You just have to get over his penchant for platitudes and clichés and generally sophomoric lyric writing (sorry lenny but nothing I wouldn’t tell you chilling). But the music is just awesome. yes its totally seventies rock and funk still and you can totally hear where he's coming from. But its really that good. you are not going to believe it.
                    `       
Last screening: American splendor. Paul did a great job. What Harvey did is very similar to the Transcendence Diaries. he just talked about what was going on day to day. But I didn't even finish this film. made me feel like I wanted to shoot myself in the fucking head.