Things I have learned from being poor the last six months.

o.k. I'm not really poor. I live on the Upper East Side in Manhattan and our record label’s headquarters are on park avenue. But the truth is that I haven't been able to make ends meet in almost a year. never have enough to eat. always eating toast or oatmeal or cereal. Very sad. Every month it’s a fucking stretch. Everyone I know offers to send me money everyday. But I have really enjoyed the process of climbing back up. I believe I'm in this position for a reason so I have really tried to look for and enjoy the learning. I had not been financially struggling for a long time so this is all very new to me. on the one hand I throw myself full on into my work, and on the other I really try to grab at the lessons along the way, knowing I am here at this place for a reason.

One of the things I have decided to do is start using cash for everything so I could get an idea of what money actually is. for the past ten years I lived on credit cards attached to an expense account. I would use the cards till they declined and then I would whip out another card. When they all declined I would ask for more money and they would be refilled. I know. lucky me. but no longer. So I have decided to use cash for everything. no more cards. So even if I am buying dinner I pay for it in cash. There is nothing like learning the real value of things and the actual cost of things than paying for it in cash. When you pay for things with a card you really have no tangible idea what you are actually paying for it. it is unreal. With cash it becomes very real. I get two hundred bucks in my pocket and 36 hours later it is gone. Now that is fucking real. You feel it. that's been good for me. traumatic but good.

What else? well I have really started to see the value of money. even a dollar. I used to give twenties away to homeless people just for asking. Hearing that Charlie sheen gives away hundreds, I figured twenties was the least I could do. now I give less. Understanding that a dollar is a dollar. It has value.

I never paid attention to things like price before. I always just bought whatever I wanted and never bothered to look at the price. Now I look at prices. I am not saying I comparison shop yet. but I am coming close. I am looking at prices of things.

I am being pickier with what I buy and when I buy it. this feels good. again, I am learning that money has a value. Things have a value.

There are a lot of things that I want that I cannot buy. Although it frustrates me I must say I am enjoying it. sometimes I want a haircut but I cannot get it. I used to go to John sahag to get my haircut and again soon I will I am sure. It used to cost me $300 for cut and dye. the funniest thing is that I used to fly from Miami to New York and stay in a hotel just to go to John sahag. So it really used to cost me about a thousand for my hair. Now I go to this local place close to my apt and it costs me $50 and I swear you cannot tell the difference. This is cool.

So now I have to wait to buy stuff I want. This is teaching me about patience and discipline and being frugal and being honest about where you are. I like this.

I used to spend about fifty bucks on dinner every night. tonight I had a bowl of oatmeal and a few bowls of cereal for dinner. I never understood fast food places. Now I do. sometimes they are all you can manage that day. and you really appreciate them when you are able to afford them.

The time is punctuated by long hours spent alone working. Lots of strangeness. Being without a car when you are used to having one is a strange phenomenon. In New York its no prob, well I take that back, it is still difficult. But being without a car in a city that isn't designed for that can be quite daunting. You tell your cab driver to stop at a local store so you can grab a few Starbucks double shots for the morning and by the time you get out the meter reads eight or nine bucks. Add that to the cost of the double shots themselves and you're talking some pretty expensive espressos. Band trying desperately to obtain booking so we can tour. found out that superhero girl hit number 15 on wlir in long island, New York. At the same time we were top five in Gainesville, FL. and here we are without a booking agent to go visit these towns. Rock and roll is not easy. even if we get the gigs, if they don't pay a lot, then we are still stuck trying to find a way to get the cash to pay for the bus or van and the traveling and lodging expenses.

I now understand the whole “where are they now” syndrome that affects so many artists. One minute they are top ten and you see them everywhere and then a few years later you haven't heard from them in years and wonder why they aren't out there making it happen. well that's why. cause it ain't that easy or cheap to get out there. even if you have fans that are buying your music and who want to see you. crazy business.

“I'm just too shy.
You're shy?
Yah. My God, you're the exact opposite of that. you're dripping with bravado.
Wow. Did you just make that up?
Yes. but its true. how can you say you're shy? Bloopy is he shy?
Don't ask me. I'm too shy to answer that.
How the hell can you know me for so long and not know how I am shy? I mean, except when I'm dripping with bravado that is.”

Note to self: “dripping with bravado”