A raging battle with Cleopatra has ensued. The details of which are almost unfathomable. She is coming from a place of extreme desperation. It has taken everything for me to stay widened back and appreciative of our past and to continue to be kind and civil towards her. I'm not sure if I will ever really know for sure what happened to her. there was a time when we were very young that I never would have believed her capable of the way she is now. there was this innocent look to her, there still is, that one can easily mistake for being innocent; this sense of naiveté that is unique to her. I would take it to mean innocence and I would tell her, in intimate moments, ‘you are such an angel...’ and she would look up at me and respond ‘no I'm not. you don't know me.’ at first I was puzzled by this... always thinking that she just had low self esteem, you know how people are about compliments sometimes. But through the years little by little I would begin to see that there were indeed two very different sides to her. and she knew this. and she was warning me. always had warned me. but I didn't listen because I was just so damn happy to know her and be close to her. this is always a danger. Its like in the movie ... which one is it? the one with Pacino and deniro where deniro just walks away to save his ass... well I couldn’t do it with Cleo... I couldn’t walk away to save my ass because my ass never felt worth saving if I wasn't sharing it with someone else.

there was a side that was very kind hearted and gentle and loving for sure. And I learned a lot from her about that. she fostered that in me. helped me find it within myself really, and for that I will always be grateful to her, will always smile when I think of how that developed within me through her example. And yet this light side was always battling this other darker side that was very cold hearted uncaring and dare I say almost evil, just very unkind. Lonely, depressed, desperate, never satisfied. When you are around someone like that it is like stepping into cold water and it slowly heating up to a deadly boiling temperature... you notice but you don't notice enough to do anything about it. all you know is that one day you wake and its just too fucking hot to stay in the water anymore. If you're smart, and lucky, you can jump out. which is what I did.

One of the most puzzling things about being with Cleopatra was that we always had to have an enemy. In every moment someone was out to get us, she thought. even if things were going great, she was still upset about someone that we were supposed to dislike at that moment. it could be her mom, my mom, her brother, my brother, the yard man, the postman, the realtor, business people, non business people, just about anyone. If there was no one for us to be mad at, we would be mad at each other. i know it sounds crazy, looking back I cannot believe I was even in it, but this is just the way it was. she was always a victim of someone or something, and because I was her lover and partner, her father figure and savior and protector and main guy, therefore I was always involved in these conflicts as well. which was of course difficult as all hell for me because being the ambassador I hate being in conflict with anyone. If she caught me not being mad at someone that we were for whatever reason supposed to be mad at she would then get mad at me.

At some point Cleo must have gotten mad at me and stayed mad at me but not been able to express it or let it out or integrate it. this is what I am beginning to understand now. because we were so dependent on one another for life and the things of life, she stayed un-mad at me even though she was subconsciously or consciously-but-secretly mad at me. its just about the only explanation I can come up with for her behavior over the last few years. she will align with me in regards to some alleged disagreement or conflict we are supposed to be having with someone according to her and through this she will kind of butter me up and get me on her side so to speak... in that moment we will be almost friends... at least that's what I'm thinking the whole time. if she calls me from say north Africa and says I'm in trouble wire me five thousand dollars, I will just do it, just assuming that that's what we are to one another, ex lovers, ex-fiancés so  soulmates-forever but now going our separate ways, to me at least, best friends... but what I continually fail to realize, or remember, is that at the same time all of this is happening, she is still also in a disagreement and conflict with me in her own mind, only I just don't know it... so I continually get surprised by her actions.. over the last four years since we've broken up I have experienced her incessant screaming, lying, stealing, cheating, embezzling, amazing webs of deceit as if out of a television show, manipulations, forgeries, frauds, you name it, all perpetrated by her for one reason or another and she always has a great reason and I have stood there on the sidelines ready to forgive and save the day, and catch her when she falls, and play along when she says there was a reason, and act like we’re still friends, and act like everything is o.k. if you ask me, its gotta be some complex I must have had from childhood. To allow it, thinking or believing that I was somehow still getting something out of the connection.... I just kept believing her I guess... and you know, I could have avoided most of this if I would have just bailed years ago.

I never thought I'd ever be one of ‘those people,’ you know the kind that have these great and wonderful love affairs and then a few years later get in these big fights with each other as if they were never so close.. that always seemed so hypocritical to me... never my scene. I've always maintained such good relations with my ex girls. but here we are. its like she isn't even the same person. granted she was always a little nuts. But now Cleopatra has gone off the deep end. How the fuck does it get to something like this. how the hell do you let someone get so far off and just keep not-doing anything about it? Fishy’s not sad anymore. Fishy spent years being sad. Fishy’ s not even mad anymore. Spent years being mad. now I'm just ... like “wow.” In awe. Sad that I have to take the actions that I have to take. Truly sad for that. for deep inside of me is still the same loyal guy who loves her cherishes her and wants to look out for her... but now, wow. Just have to continue to feel all that and honor it and thank God for it but at the same time just do what I have to do to balance things out a little bit.

As I've said before, one day I will write the whole story of Fishy and Cleopatra, because it was truly a beautiful love affair, and deserving of such an honor, but that time is not now.

Last screening: watched Spanglish on the airplane. Inspired by how normal and predictable and clichéd this movie was. enjoyable enough for plane fare. but McDonalds. And that's not a bad thing all the time. never turn down a quarter pounder baby. But you know... I'm thinking there has to be a bigger way, a better way, some way to make bigger art than this. that's the goal. That's why the matrix and lord of the rings movies blew up so much. Gotta get out of the norm and blast off into the stratosphere with the art man...