Today it just rocked me like a thunder bolt. I was in the shower. the water pounding on me, adrift in half-consciousness. There I was caught up in about two or three major conflicts or desires running around like blind mice in my brain. Just trying to wake up, and relax, and sort it all out... and I had this idea to pray. Why? I have no idea. it just hit me. pray. Talk to God-Goddess. ‘but I thought we don't believe in God?’ I said to myself... ‘its not that we don't believe in God,’ I answered. ‘its just that we’re not sure about it, that's all.’

‘o.k. so what you're saying, (and man, who are we talking to? who am I talking to? (‘you're talking to yourself. You know that. its no big deal. Let it go. lets keep going.’) ‘o.k. you’re right. so yeah, I mean, what you're saying is that we’re not really sure about God. but honestly I just really want to talk to God. I don't care that I don't know if he she or it exists or not. I just think it would be a good thing...’ ‘yes I would agree. Lets do it. the worst that can happen is that there really is no higher power-God-Goddess-force-whatever and what we’re really doing is just talking to ourselves in a different kind of a way, and you know, in the end, that's probably cool anyway, probably nothing wrong with that... so yeah, I agree, lets do it.’ ‘o.k. cool.’

And it started from that. just me, standing under the hot shower, naked, head bowed, eyes closed, a slight smile on my face from the reassuring comfort of it. ‘God, Goddess, Force, what you are, wherever you are, its me Fishy. I want to talk to you if its cool...’

‘I don't know if you exist but I would love if you did. I can feel you sometimes, perhaps see signs of you at times. I would love to feel you more. I would to see more signs of you.’

I listened to myself. I was in it, but a part of me remained outside of it, as always, as in all things. the experiencer and the observer. Always. In all things. rarely have I ever been one. At times. but rarely. So I listened. Wow. I am deliberately asking to give up my Source. To another. To God yes, the idea of a God yes, but still, it is a deliberate asking to give up Source to another being... interesting. Can I do it? do I want to do it? who would want to deliberately want to give up their own control/source of the creation of their lives to anything else? do I ask for what I want? Do I preface it with ‘if it your will?’ or ‘if it is meant to be?’ Man that is something. just totally giving in to this sort of ‘fuck it, its not me creating it’ kind of idea. that's just not me. I mean, what? all of a sudden we’re not in control anymore? I'm supposed to start believing that now? no. there has to be a better way. think of yoda man. Yeah... think of yoda...

That we have no proof for a God-Goddess. We have never seen a God nor heard of a God. no God has ever shown up on earth or anywhere else in the universe. The idea, the concept, the construct, was and still is, a constantly evolving invention of human beings, for whatever reason. It is one of the only things, well, much like the idea of the ‘soul,’ or dragons, or vampires, that we created or came up with the idea of, before we actually experienced, for truly, in reality, we haven't seen any God yet. haven't seen any vampires or dragons yet either, but we remain hopeful, and So, for the mind, for logic, it’s a leap of faith, entirely. its just us going out there on a limb in consciousness saying to ourselves ‘o.k. fine, but what if?’

Yes. yoda. He would have no problem with this. God is God. or perhaps God isn't God. that's what yoda would say. But in the end we will never know anyway.. so if God serves, whether real or imagined, let God be.

So that's where I am now. I have firmly resolved to seek out God. in spite of my mind. In spite of lack of proof. In spite of logic or rational thought.

I'll tell you this, God isn't going to show up in any books. He never has. One has to look for God in life. in the here-now. if God exists he is going to exist right here. wherever we are. and in the end, all we have to do is close our eyes and speak to that image in our souls. And listen. And maybe, just maybe...

Current spin : frank Sinatra, fly me to the moon. Another in the endless cycle of greatest hits packages that will inevitably be released till the end oh human civilization. But I bought it for Princess Little Tree because she wasn't familiar with franks rendition of fly me to the moon, or Tony’s, only the Astrid Gilberto version, which if you have ever had the displeasure of hearing, you will know, is in all honesty quite horrendous. as with all frank best of comps this one is awesome. just good time music by a good time guy who knew how to deliver a great song. [for the record if I had to put franks fly me to the moon up against Tony’s in a Pepsi challenge I think it would be dead even. would never dare do it to either man. Tony's has more spunk and pizzazz really, more carefree.