I go out to lunch with JerseyGirl today. we have known each for over ten years now, having met at our first Avatar masters course back then and continue to see each other at courses and various social events. She lives close by so we hang now and then. I tell her how we filmed all day on Saturday and we viewed the footage on Sunday and the audio was all effed up so now we have to re-film on Tuesday. How my show-finale speech was all about how we, the people, are losing the good fight and how the giant corporations that rule the earth are winning, how they have always won, how they will always win, and hey at least we have good music and film, and that's all about all we have. the best that we can hope for is that it doesn’t get any worse, but even that seems like a pipe dream. The people with money, and I mean BIG money, are going to continue to sell out the rest of the people regardless of what that means in the long haul. I mean, after all, George bush and his big goal now of reforming social security, does that have anything to do with doing something right for the people? for his neighbors? I mean why is he so adamant about this? why isn't he tackling more important issues like health care or the environment or credit card or banking reformation to really help the American people? instead he is spending much of his time now trying to convince the public that the government should overhaul social security to the tune of billions of dollars.. and who is going to get these billions of dollars? You guessed it, large corporations. The same corporations that put him in the seat of president. So now that he is president he needs to give them this on a silver platter, just as he gave them the country of Iraq. This has nothing to do with helping the American people, and most people know it, the media knows it, congress knows it, everyone knows it, but we pretend that we don't because that's the way it works. the emperor has no clothes and everyone acts like they don't notice because that is way it has always worked. That's our job as a people. So no, chances are we will not see reform of political campaign financing, or health care, or banking or unemployment fixes, or education, or protection of the environment, because even though that's what we need as a people, there is no money in that for the big powers that be that run the world and got him into power. that's just the way it is for America now.

On the subject of the environment. Well it looks like we lost that fight and we will contnue to lose that fight. the environment is a lost cause as long as gw sits in power. no matter how many people try to change it. we can raise ten billion dollars to save the environment and with one phone call to or from one president of one company to the president of the United States, all of that can be reversed and destroyed in an hour. that's life.

Maybe there's hope, who knows. but for now, at this point, after six months of interviews and really studying, this is where I'm at with it. it appears to me that we are losing, that the people of the world are losing, and that there's nothing we can really do about it.

So I share this with JerseyGirl over lunch and tell her that this is the conclusion that I share with people in the TV show that I have been filming. and she is aghast. She is horrified. ‘but you are an Avatar. How could you do this? how could you even think these thoughts? You know that whatever you put your attention on you help manifest... you know this. I am shocked Fishy.’ ‘I know JerseyGirl. I knew you would feel like this. But I'm afraid this is really how I feel right now. this is how I see it. the whole idea of this show is for me to be honest with what I'm feeling. The truth is that the poor and middle classes and even the moderately rich will always lose, and the super rich will always rule, even when they think they are winning and really losing, they will still get their way because that's just the way the world works. the only way change is created is by violent acts of revolution.’ ‘Fishy you do not mean this. tell me you are kidding right now. this is ridiculous.’ ‘I know how you feel. I'm with you Jers, I'm with you, you know my heart, we became masters together, so you know that I'm a lover not a fighter, but I gotta tell you, I have to call as I see it, and this is what I'm seeing.’ ‘well don't you see that the audio being messed up and now you guys having to re-shoot is a sign from the universe that you need to change your conclusion a little... do you see that?’ she smiles at me this really big joyful appreciative smile that she is famous for.’ ‘yeah I see that. I will change it a bit. I am going to try to find a way to make it a little more positive... but I'll tell you, I'm not even giving you the whole picture. I've been studying this stuff a lot and I'm really starting to believe that the only way we’re ever going to change things for the better for us is through violent acts of rebellion and revolution. I didn't say that on tape but that's what I'm feeling now.’ ‘Fishy I can’t even believe you are saying this. don't you dare. As an Avatar, don't you dare. Do you believe that we are creating an EPC? An enlightened planetary civilization?’ ‘I believe that we are trying. But I don't think we are getting anywhere.’

We finish lunch and as we walk to the car we pass by this store called love saves the day. she forces me to go in and tells me that this is a sign from the universe. She buys me a little beanie baby angel teddy bear and I buy her a little love teddy bear. I tell her I will use the tools to discreate these ideas that I have. that I will begin to work on this to stop thinking this way. so I'm writing about it. trying to sort it out. how I got to this place, I don't know. its not like me. but I am tired of being a blind idealist with no sense of what's really going on. I am tired of watching all of my environmental and social and political activist friends work so hard and get no where. The truth is we all marched in protest against this war in Iraq all over the world and we got nowhere. That's the truth. over a hundred thousand Iraqis murdered and we fought the good fight but the giant corporations of the world won. The Iraqis are dead and that's that. how idealistic can you be after witnessing that?

Current spin: Moby, his new one, Hotel. I love Moby. How can you not.