Went to church today. stayed up all night writing and watching this Mr. smith goes to Washington movie. What a great story. When I finally woke up it was 10:51. church starts at 11am. Oh shit. run forest run! I had 9 minutes to get there, let alone get up, have coffee, shower, shave, get dressed and make a mad dash to the church. Wasn't going to happen obviously. I was planning on attending this church on park Ave. that I had gone into a few weeks before, the one where I had that glorious spiritual experience just wandering in and sitting down. But there was no way I was going to make it. So I jumped up, splashed my face, threw some clothes on, and ran down the street to the closest church I knew of, this Baptist church on 61st and 2nd Ave.

I was hoping for something. at this point I am resigned to the contradictory nature of who I am and how I feel in relation to God and religion and churches. I know it makes no sense. The poet asks me on the phone, ‘you went to church? If your family in town or something? or you just went on your own? why do you spend so much of your time rallying against religion in your diaries then?’ I tell him ‘well, throughout history there hasn’t been anything more harmful or hurtful or destructive than religion bro.’ ‘well I know that. so why do you go to church then?’ ‘I guess its because I still have this longing for community of the spirit. I just can’t shake it. you know, the heart really longs for things spiritual and a chance to be able to share that with others...’ ‘so how was this church?’ ‘not good I'm afraid. Not good at all. it reminded me a lot of growing up. I went to Christian schools all through growing up and it was fucking nuts. a lot of talk about ‘us versus them.’ they have this attitude of ‘we’re saved and ‘they're not.’’ and they talk about it the whole damn time. they kept referring to all the people on my block, by the way did you know that on the block that I live on there are 7000 people?’ ‘no way.’ ‘way. seriously. that's what they said at least. Anyway, they referred to everyone on my block who wasn't a born again Christian as ‘unsaved, lonely souls, lying and dying on the side of the road, I swear to God, they really said this... as if they have to save us all or else we will be forever damned...’ ‘well they believe that...’ ‘I know, and its scary that in this day and age with all we know about science and religion and physics and astronomy and metaphysics that people still think like that. it was actually really scary because I hadn't been in a church like that for a long time and I had forgotten that that's out there.’ ‘it’s a reality though I'm afraid. What are you gonna do. that's life my brother’ ‘indeed it is.’  

Anyway so today wasn't so good of a church experience. In fact, it was rather frightening. Last week at unity was fine. At least there are open minds there. I did get a chance to talk with God a bit and that was nice. ‘God/Goddess, what am I doing here? you know my heart. help me to know you God... help me to know the real you... help me to open my heart and mind and ears and eyes enough to really know you. you know me God, I can’t think like this. this is fucking madness. I'm never going to believe in any of this only through Jesus stuff or the Krishna stuff or the Allah stuff... show me the truth God, show me the real God and spirit... let me know you so I can serve you better God... in my own name I pray.’

The whole damn time they were praising Jesus and saying he was their savior and without him we are doomed to lie dead and suffering on the side of the road... and I'm trying to hold myself back from jumping up and screaming ‘people don't you know that we’re our own savior? Don't you see that every population in the world has an idea of a different savior and in the end none of it even matters because we’re the savior that we’re really looking for?! We don't need a savior from two thousand years ago anymore than we need a Buddha or a Krishna or a Ganesh or a Mohamed or any of that. we’re all little pieces of God people. we’re God right here on earth. Here we are. millions of us. millions of little gods. Lets praise us. lets take this time to worship ourselves.. man I'm loving your music here, but use it to celebrate us!!!’

The other thing is that the minister had all the guys who had ever served in the armed forces stand up and had everyone pray for them. but not one mention of all the innocent Iraqis that have died in this war. Nothing. I stood there in shock and awe. Just total blindness as to the realities of what's really going on.

God do I long for the day when we will be able to pray to a God of no denomination, no dogma, no religion, no backwoods hillbilly camel in the desert fundamentalist intolerant closed minded bullshit attached.

This lady comes into the smoke shop asking us for money to donate to animals. She tells us that your best friends in the world are animals. People will leave you, animals won't.’ and then ‘there’re no animals in the next life, so enjoy them while you can.’ strange set of beliefs I thought. And then Lon tells me ‘don't ever go out with a read-head. They're all certifiable.’ Great now I've heard it all. we’re now classifying people by the color of their hair? Made me think about church this morning. Gosh, people will claim to have all sorts of whacked out beliefs. there are so many beliefs out there, people will just look at you with a straight face and recite them to you as if they are real. I swear to God everyone is just fucking nuts.