Realizing that I am slowly coming out of this creation I have about girls where I bond with them as friends and then get a little too close, the lines get blurred between friendship and lovers and once that happens its harder to get to a place of just pure appreciation for each other as friends, you know. its almost like profaning something that could be very sacred by overstepping your boundaries... G2 tells me that he falls in love ten times a day and so does just about every other guy, but that's just the justifier, the rational. I really wanted to explore that in myself and see what it was and try to get control of it and then see if wanted to continue to create it. an immature identity in me that just reacts out of a non deliberate need for attention from the opposite sex that is on automatic that I created from some childhood trauma probably. Prob some girl turned me down when I was like six on the playground or something and ever since then I've been trying to win that girl back in every girl I see. Something like that you figure... but that doesn’t really matter, the why almost never matters in getting control and then discreating creations that we don't prefer. (therapists/psychologists will argue with you on that one, but they are still thinking that creations take years to heal or cure because they spend all their time and their patients time looking for the why instead of just letting go of the creation itself.) anyway, slowly I am wrestling it to the ground and getting control of it so I can relate to girls like people and not just as ‘girls.’ That would be an unbelievable accomplishment. Something I've been working on lately and notice it is starting to take hold. I can’t say I'm there yet but at least I am starting to see it, watching the monkey as they call it. watching myself do it, appreciating it, and choosing not to do it.

[this reminded me of my school principle in tenth grade. I was attending a private Christian academy, my third of five high schools, my parents attempt at trying to find a way for me to somehow graduate... and this guy had me in his office every few days. and he was preaching to me about behaving myself saying ‘I'm forty five years old and I'm married with two kids.... don't you think I'm out there on the street thinking of being with all these girls all the time? but I don't. I use self control... I thought the guy was crazy for talking to a fourteen year old about that kind of stuff. couldn’t figure out why he was telling me all that. I just wanted out of his office. wonder whatever happened to that man...]

Someone commented the other day that they feel a constant sense of unease now that gw bush was re-elected in the United States, as if any minute something really bad was going to happen. I am afraid, and I will take one hundred percent responsibility for this, that I have been feeling the same way. someone at the studio is listening to the news right now and I cannot hear what they are saying but my whole body is tensed up right now, so afraid that it is some really bad news that we have been attacked or that he has attacked someone else like Iran or Korea or who knows who... what a weird time to be American. Better not to pay attention to the news at all these days. if the final days come, let them come as a surprise. Let me and my loved ones be well-fed and having sex when it happens.