Speaking about when you're in a cell phone conversation and it gets cut off or someone never receives your email or your voicemail.... She tells me, “there's so many unfinished sentences out there in cyberspace from me to you... one of these days we’re going to be up there, out there, looking at them all... it’s a story in itself.” I will make this a song.

The divorce still rages in my apt/townhouse here on the very posh and quaint upper east side. The family above me constantly fighting screaming yelling throwing things slamming doors, all of them suffering. I try not to get involved but have a good friendship with all of them, especially the eight and twelve year old boys. They come over when they want to. just knock on the door. Manhattan is so funny like that. the square footage of this entire townhouse is about the size of the house I just sold in Miami. and yet here there are four families living here. each of the apts only about 400 to 800 sq ft. funny huh. Perspectives. Anyway, the boys come downstairs and let themselves in or knock till I let them in. ‘o.k. listen,’ I tell the younger brother, ‘if you knock and I don't answer and then you knock again and I don't answer, do you know what that means?’ ‘it means you're not home...’ ‘right. it means I'm not home.’ ‘but sometimes you are home and you still don't answer.’ ‘well yes. that's true. but if you knock and I don't answer, and you think I'm home, that means that I'm either sleeping, taking a shower, using the bathroom, or I'm hanging with a beautiful girl, right?’ he blushes. ‘and so in any of those cases, you just have to pretend I'm not home, you dig what I'm saying?’ ‘o.k.’ he answers and then rushes into the apt...

When I am home and I answer we have good times. we all sit around and play the guitar, or I write while the older one plays me his newest songs he's written while the younger one jumps up and down on my bed or the couch, a privilege he is probably not allowed at home. then we eat cereal till we’re stuffed and watch concert DVDs and I try to explain how the divorce will soon be over and everything will be fine.

Their divorce mirrors my own break up with Cleopatra, which unbelievably still lingers after over four years now. but luckily we are very much near the end now. I never should have allowed the things I did and know that now. hindsight is always 20/20 of course. once a Princess always a Princess I suppose I thought and so I thought it was my duty to kind of let the little Princess do whatever she wanted to, no matter how much it damaged me or compromised my life or her integrity. It took me a long time to understand that I was not serving either of us by just being unconditional. Harry palmer wrote somewhere that ‘you should never flow love to someone who is attacking you.’ it took me so long to get that. we just assume that being enlightened and spiritual means letting people walk all over you. but it doesn’t. One thing I do get out of this divorce the people upstairs are enduring is that it makes my situation with Cleopatra seem so much easier and less charged. Takes my attention off of it.

Sometimes late at night when she is tired Princess Little Tree cries because she is overwhelmed by a feeling of uncontrollable loneliness, as if she is all alone in the world and has no one. I cannot speak logic to her. she just needs to cry it out. I understand. Sometimes I am overcome by this feeling myself. It is easy to let yourself feel abandoned and betrayed by people when we have given our all and more and then they disappear or betray us in some way. it is never easy to handle this. it will always be a challenge I am sure. My dearest brother and compatriot Bas almost refuses to speak with me now till all the business between Cleo and I is worked out because he says it is easier for him. for me it is very sad, hurts a lot. I obsess on it at times and find it difficult to focus on work. I don't blame him but I blame him. so to speak. How do we know when to give our love? How do we know if something is going to last forever? if we are o.k. in giving our love and commitment and friendship and loyalty to another? Is it only for reciprocation? For mutual benefit? Or can we rise above that and just do it unconditionally? I guess that's where I am now... wondering if I man enough to do that... and move on.

I'll tell you, this is the year where Fishy grows into a man. After all these years, who would have known? at least he is seeing that manhood is upon him. whether or not he will rise to the occasion is another story. That is the question to the story isn't it?

It has been a perilous journey. I have lost a few battles the last three years. mainly with my higher self. feeling like a fighter who's got the wind knocked out of him sometimes. Waking up days or weeks or months later and trying to remember what happened... Made a few mistakes along the way. but I'm slowly rebuilding. Shaking old habits and rekindling old friendships.