Today I had an opportunity to feel what it felt like to get a “worry” and then in that moment to say to myself, “well wouldn’t it be cool if instead of fretting over this, I could just enjoy the ride, maybe learn something from it, maybe not, but either way, just enjoy the experience. What if I didn't look at it like a situation that I need to be fretful over or worry over? What if I just took as part of the ride?

[what is it with new Yorkers calling Florida ‘flarida?’ don't they see that there's an ‘o’ in the word Florida? what is that? and what is it with that word anyway? Florida? if you look at it for a while and say it a few times, it takes on this whole other quality... Florida. what kind of a word is that anyway? Florida? have to look it up. be right back...

the other thing I was thinking about while listening to some bible reading in church today was this: what the hell are we doing reading or paying any attention to for that matter the history of the Jews? I mean, the old testament is after all nothing more than a series of thousands of years of Jewish history. And respectfully one can understand the importance these historical documents might hold for Jewish people. that's their history. Their tradition. So if they want to sit around every Sunday and read it, that's cool. we would expect it. good for them. But as I looked around the church this morning I'm noticing that there aren't any Jewish people in the hall. We’re not from Israel. None of us. And I'm thinking, so what the hell are we all doing studying this story about this cat named Abraham who was about to kill his son Issaac as a sacrifice to his God? I mean, say what you will, but I think that's pretty fucking psychotic, and this whole old testament is psychotic. Its just one crazy story after another. But that's beside the point. But truly, what the hell does that have to do with us. I mean, as Americans I understand that we don't have any tradition or real history that dates back too far because we’re too new of a country, so if we want to look for some kind of meaning or spiritual significance in old traditions and history texts like people do with the old testament then we’re going to have to go back to the ancient writings of whatever country we’re from. for me that would be England and Italy. For other people that might be Greece or Ireland or some African country or Scotland or Russia or where ever. But sitting around reading the old testament as a bunch of Americans/Europeans just makes no sense when you look at it in the bigger picture. Its quite silly and makes no sense.

Regardless of all of this, because of course I could go on forever, and millions have --- go to Amazon.com or any library in the world and check out the religious & inspirational, philosophy, theology, or comparative religion sections; hundreds of millions of words have been penned by humankind espousing countless ideas over thousands of years about God and religion and the like and none of it is any more significant now than it ever has been; at least it won't be until an actual God shows up or an afterlife magically appears (and trust me, I'm not one to doubt the ability of humankind to create anything we want to eventually just by sheer thought-energy and our pure desire for either to exist, but for now its all up in the air). So even these words... as important as they may seem to me, as they have to millions who have come before me, are absolutely meaningless when it comes to the greater questions that befuddle our limited understanding of life in this grand universe.  

But again, with all that said, I must make note here today as I have many Sundays prior, that this whole church thing I have been experiencing has been quite the miracle in my life as of late. call it what you will. I'm certainly not a religious man. I think I'm the only American alive who hasn’t seen Mel Gibson’s Jesus box office smash and if I'm lucky I never will. I don't condone that kind of revisionist history. I don't care what your religious beliefs are. you want to make a movie about an important religious figure then study your history first. and then make your movie. Tell the truth. or try to. with Jesus it would be hard because there are so many contradictory versions of his life. but at least try. show that you care. Show that there are at least two, three, four, different stories there that are all plausible. And until we address those we are never going to get beyond the myths that we continue to propagate century after century. No different than what the Romans or Greeks were doing with their God-myths. Nuf said.

So I'm certainly not religious, but something is happening to me and to my heart with this force that I call God. its speaking to me, its guiding me. and it feels great. I mean, I walk out of there every week kicking my heels and feeling truly blessed. God has really entered my life and he/she/it seems o.k. that I have these questions and concerns. And that my friends is what God is or should be all about. its all about the love. Its just love. And all these war mongering crazies out there killing people in the name of God are just the pretenders on the throne. One day the light will come to bear these truths to be self evident. Until then, we keep quiet and do our best to love each other as much as we can.
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Great brunch today with tomcat and his new babe from Nigeria. Got started on the whole 9/11 saga. He is to forward me a bunch of research reports and studies of sept 11 that are being conducted now by research teams in Canada that are pointing to more cover-ups and more evidence that the American government was indeed behind the whole thing and that's why Bush didn't flinch when he heard the news. and why the entire bin laden family was secretly escorted out of the country on private jets as soon as the towers were hit. And more and more connections between bush family and bin laden family which everyone's at this point and evidence that points to that guy who got beheaded in Pakistan Daniel pearl actually being a reporter who was about to blow the lid on the whole thing and show the American gov was behind it, so they got him and used that whole ‘we’re a bunch of scary crazy Muslims wearing masks’ thing as a scare tactic to win favor and support for the continued killing going on in Iraq and they killed him. hey who knows. I mean, really, at this point who knows. all we can do as tomcat says is keep building our own little nest egg and keep quiet. because if it is true all that means is that they're going to come after us if we open our mouths too wide. And boy don't we know that's the truth. just ask David koresh. Oh yeah, we can’t, because they burned him alive with a hundred and seventy nine other people on live TV. At one point tomcat looks up at me and says, ‘but you know bro, for all of that it still bothers me. I still have to go work everyday and know that my money is going to pay for killing all these Iraqis. I'm paying 36% of my hard earned money in taxes and its going to pay for people dying over there.’ he sips his coffee. ‘We’re killing people. we have blood on our hands. All of us. every single one of us who is paying taxes. And we can’t do anything about it.’ I couldn’t have said it better myself. so I just looked at the tomcat as if I were looking in the mirror.

I didn't say anything back to tomcat. I just let him sit there and stare at me looking for an answer. the problem is is that he is right. we can’t do anything about it. America has always invaded other countries. All big countries have. America started out by invading America. Remember we aren't Americans. We are the invaders still. the occupiers. We only call it our land and our country because we have the biggest guns still. and then America invaded Mexico and now they call it Texas. America invaded Korea and grenada and Vietnam. The people of big countries don't mind when they're government invades other countries as long as they still have their Coke and their sex and the city and their p diddy and their fritos and queer eye TV. Big governments know this. so they keep on invading and they’ll use every trick in the book to keep on doing it. and our taxes will keep on paying for it because we can’t do a damn thing about it. we can bitch and moan and complain and protest but its not going to do any good. Vietnam taught us that.

Take a look at the countries that didn't choose to invade Iraq: France and Germany. Well study their history. Shit they know what invading other countries gets you. eventual revolutions and if you're not careful eventually retaliatory attacks on your own land. So they butt out. 9/11 taught us that. should have at least. but our government hasn’t learned that one yet. and maybe they never will until it really hits home. and for us, the people of this great twisted wreck of bitter irony that we are, that will be a sad fucking day. because the truth is that we the people aren't invading any countries. We’re not even in Iraq. Our government is. in our names. And with out tax dollars. So if the blow of justice and revenge ever lands upon these tired soils it will not come as surprise to a few of us. that's just the hand of nature dealing the cards out.

Last screening: batman begins. well they finally did it. Hollywood finally made a good batman movie. In fact batman begins is the first good superhero movie that's ever been released. I know what you're thinking if you're a regular reader, because that would imply that you're smart as hell and you don't believe the hype. So you're probably like me and saw that first batman piece of doo doo and felt so insulted and bored and over-hyped and over-sold that you wanted to run screaming out of the theatre and if you were lucky you never saw any of the sequels or any of the spiderman movies either. But I'm telling you, they finally got it right this time. Christian bale, the man everyone should remember from his excellent performance in the twisted masterpiece American psycho, made a great batman. Just fucking great. Remember when michale keaton was trying to play Bruce Wayne and batman and you felt uncool just being in the theatre watching it because it was so uncool. Well not with Christian bale. I'm not saying this was the godfather or anything. But trust me, it’s a good flick and good time. inspiring. This is what g lucas should have done with his sadly disappointing star wars follow-ups. Paper disguised as bread those were at best. But this little baby was pretty cool. and not so Hollywood. even though there are plenty of cool actors in it. of course liam neeson dies in it because I think he must have that written in his contracts – that he dies in every movie he’s in. Gary Oldman was good enough. Michale caine was surprisingly good, because for the past twenty years he's just been so ‘fine just write me the check and give me the script and I'll show up, I promise.’ But in this he's pretty good. leaves a nice opening for a sequel. Lets hope they get it as good the second time as they did here.