Going Clear

Current Read: Going Clear      
        Just finished the book GOING CLEAR on #Scientology by @lawrence_wright. Informative exciting disturbing & frightening read. Impressed & thankful 4 his efforts & boldness. Journalists of that caliber -- evidently Wright conducted over 500 interviews over a period of years to complete this book -- impress the hell out of me. I find it hard to fathom how deeply enmeshed into psychosis and psychotic behavior some people can be talked and brainwashed. Vows of poverty, slave labor, physical emotional and mental abuse, forced abortions, forced disconnection from family and friends. All in the name of what exactly? It's an odd thing... Not much apparent benefit and yet there are tens of thousands of Scientology hopefuls around the world.
        Hopefully this book will save a lot of people through the years from ever experiencing what so many have already simply by having the information floating out there. The intuitive feeling I had while reading the book is that Scientology really flourished before the internet age, when it was much easier to hide what was happening within an organization. There wasn't the transparency we have today, in this new age of free public and personal expression, it would be difficult for an organization like Scientology to exist, at least in the form described in this book, and keep many adherents except the utterly insane.
       Regarding the book itself, sure it's long and unnecessarily detailed for the average person outside of the organization, but I'd recommend it to anyone interested in sociology, psychology, religion, cults, philosophy or human behavior. It's an engaging read.

Today I had an opportunity to feel what it felt like to get a “worry” and then in that moment to say to myself, “well wouldn’t it be cool if instead of fretting over this, I could just enjoy the ride, maybe learn something from it, maybe not, but either way, just enjoy the experience. What if I didn't look at it like a situation that I need to be fretful over or worry over? What if I just took as part of the ride?

[what is it with new Yorkers calling Florida ‘flarida?’ don't they see that there's an ‘o’ in the word Florida? what is that? and what is it with that word anyway? Florida? if you look at it for a while and say it a few times, it takes on this whole other quality... Florida. what kind of a word is that anyway? Florida? have to look it up. be right back...

the other thing I was thinking about while listening to some bible reading in church today was this: what the hell are we doing reading or paying any attention to for that matter the history of the Jews? I mean, the old testament is after all nothing more than a series of thousands of years of Jewish history. And respectfully one can understand the importance these historical documents might hold for Jewish people. that's their history. Their tradition. So if they want to sit around every Sunday and read it, that's cool. we would expect it. good for them. But as I looked around the church this morning I'm noticing that there aren't any Jewish people in the hall. We’re not from Israel. None of us. And I'm thinking, so what the hell are we all doing studying this story about this cat named Abraham who was about to kill his son Issaac as a sacrifice to his God? I mean, say what you will, but I think that's pretty fucking psychotic, and this whole old testament is psychotic. Its just one crazy story after another. But that's beside the point. But truly, what the hell does that have to do with us. I mean, as Americans I understand that we don't have any tradition or real history that dates back too far because we’re too new of a country, so if we want to look for some kind of meaning or spiritual significance in old traditions and history texts like people do with the old testament then we’re going to have to go back to the ancient writings of whatever country we’re from. for me that would be England and Italy. For other people that might be Greece or Ireland or some African country or Scotland or Russia or where ever. But sitting around reading the old testament as a bunch of Americans/Europeans just makes no sense when you look at it in the bigger picture. Its quite silly and makes no sense.

Regardless of all of this, because of course I could go on forever, and millions have --- go to Amazon.com or any library in the world and check out the religious & inspirational, philosophy, theology, or comparative religion sections; hundreds of millions of words have been penned by humankind espousing countless ideas over thousands of years about God and religion and the like and none of it is any more significant now than it ever has been; at least it won't be until an actual God shows up or an afterlife magically appears (and trust me, I'm not one to doubt the ability of humankind to create anything we want to eventually just by sheer thought-energy and our pure desire for either to exist, but for now its all up in the air). So even these words... as important as they may seem to me, as they have to millions who have come before me, are absolutely meaningless when it comes to the greater questions that befuddle our limited understanding of life in this grand universe.  

But again, with all that said, I must make note here today as I have many Sundays prior, that this whole church thing I have been experiencing has been quite the miracle in my life as of late. call it what you will. I'm certainly not a religious man. I think I'm the only American alive who hasn’t seen Mel Gibson’s Jesus box office smash and if I'm lucky I never will. I don't condone that kind of revisionist history. I don't care what your religious beliefs are. you want to make a movie about an important religious figure then study your history first. and then make your movie. Tell the truth. or try to. with Jesus it would be hard because there are so many contradictory versions of his life. but at least try. show that you care. Show that there are at least two, three, four, different stories there that are all plausible. And until we address those we are never going to get beyond the myths that we continue to propagate century after century. No different than what the Romans or Greeks were doing with their God-myths. Nuf said.

So I'm certainly not religious, but something is happening to me and to my heart with this force that I call God. its speaking to me, its guiding me. and it feels great. I mean, I walk out of there every week kicking my heels and feeling truly blessed. God has really entered my life and he/she/it seems o.k. that I have these questions and concerns. And that my friends is what God is or should be all about. its all about the love. Its just love. And all these war mongering crazies out there killing people in the name of God are just the pretenders on the throne. One day the light will come to bear these truths to be self evident. Until then, we keep quiet and do our best to love each other as much as we can.
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Great brunch today with tomcat and his new babe from Nigeria. Got started on the whole 9/11 saga. He is to forward me a bunch of research reports and studies of sept 11 that are being conducted now by research teams in Canada that are pointing to more cover-ups and more evidence that the American government was indeed behind the whole thing and that's why Bush didn't flinch when he heard the news. and why the entire bin laden family was secretly escorted out of the country on private jets as soon as the towers were hit. And more and more connections between bush family and bin laden family which everyone's at this point and evidence that points to that guy who got beheaded in Pakistan Daniel pearl actually being a reporter who was about to blow the lid on the whole thing and show the American gov was behind it, so they got him and used that whole ‘we’re a bunch of scary crazy Muslims wearing masks’ thing as a scare tactic to win favor and support for the continued killing going on in Iraq and they killed him. hey who knows. I mean, really, at this point who knows. all we can do as tomcat says is keep building our own little nest egg and keep quiet. because if it is true all that means is that they're going to come after us if we open our mouths too wide. And boy don't we know that's the truth. just ask David koresh. Oh yeah, we can’t, because they burned him alive with a hundred and seventy nine other people on live TV. At one point tomcat looks up at me and says, ‘but you know bro, for all of that it still bothers me. I still have to go work everyday and know that my money is going to pay for killing all these Iraqis. I'm paying 36% of my hard earned money in taxes and its going to pay for people dying over there.’ he sips his coffee. ‘We’re killing people. we have blood on our hands. All of us. every single one of us who is paying taxes. And we can’t do anything about it.’ I couldn’t have said it better myself. so I just looked at the tomcat as if I were looking in the mirror.

I didn't say anything back to tomcat. I just let him sit there and stare at me looking for an answer. the problem is is that he is right. we can’t do anything about it. America has always invaded other countries. All big countries have. America started out by invading America. Remember we aren't Americans. We are the invaders still. the occupiers. We only call it our land and our country because we have the biggest guns still. and then America invaded Mexico and now they call it Texas. America invaded Korea and grenada and Vietnam. The people of big countries don't mind when they're government invades other countries as long as they still have their Coke and their sex and the city and their p diddy and their fritos and queer eye TV. Big governments know this. so they keep on invading and they’ll use every trick in the book to keep on doing it. and our taxes will keep on paying for it because we can’t do a damn thing about it. we can bitch and moan and complain and protest but its not going to do any good. Vietnam taught us that.

Take a look at the countries that didn't choose to invade Iraq: France and Germany. Well study their history. Shit they know what invading other countries gets you. eventual revolutions and if you're not careful eventually retaliatory attacks on your own land. So they butt out. 9/11 taught us that. should have at least. but our government hasn’t learned that one yet. and maybe they never will until it really hits home. and for us, the people of this great twisted wreck of bitter irony that we are, that will be a sad fucking day. because the truth is that we the people aren't invading any countries. We’re not even in Iraq. Our government is. in our names. And with out tax dollars. So if the blow of justice and revenge ever lands upon these tired soils it will not come as surprise to a few of us. that's just the hand of nature dealing the cards out.

Last screening: batman begins. well they finally did it. Hollywood finally made a good batman movie. In fact batman begins is the first good superhero movie that's ever been released. I know what you're thinking if you're a regular reader, because that would imply that you're smart as hell and you don't believe the hype. So you're probably like me and saw that first batman piece of doo doo and felt so insulted and bored and over-hyped and over-sold that you wanted to run screaming out of the theatre and if you were lucky you never saw any of the sequels or any of the spiderman movies either. But I'm telling you, they finally got it right this time. Christian bale, the man everyone should remember from his excellent performance in the twisted masterpiece American psycho, made a great batman. Just fucking great. Remember when michale keaton was trying to play Bruce Wayne and batman and you felt uncool just being in the theatre watching it because it was so uncool. Well not with Christian bale. I'm not saying this was the godfather or anything. But trust me, it’s a good flick and good time. inspiring. This is what g lucas should have done with his sadly disappointing star wars follow-ups. Paper disguised as bread those were at best. But this little baby was pretty cool. and not so Hollywood. even though there are plenty of cool actors in it. of course liam neeson dies in it because I think he must have that written in his contracts – that he dies in every movie he’s in. Gary Oldman was good enough. Michale caine was surprisingly good, because for the past twenty years he's just been so ‘fine just write me the check and give me the script and I'll show up, I promise.’ But in this he's pretty good. leaves a nice opening for a sequel. Lets hope they get it as good the second time as they did here.

You know, maybe we can and do spend our entire lives rallying against God and all that, primarily I believe for two reasons, one because he's never showed him/herself and only been an idea in human consciousness, as opposed to a “something real” that could be construed as undeniable – I mean put your hand on a red hot stove and that's going to be pretty fucking undeniable; or run out into the middle of Lexington avenue in front of my apartment at rush hour and that's going to be an undeniable experience to be sure, but God just hasn’t pulled that off yet. perhaps he's too busy. Perhaps he's moved onto to other worlds, his only mission here on our small planet was creation itself and then from there we’re all on our own. Of course our idea of God has always persevered; our desire for what God is and should be and what he/she could be has become almost undeniable to many and most; at least in the mind of many who call themselves religious. All that's in place already. ask a Christian or a Muslim – they're probably the most devout of the old-worlds left on the planet at this point (at least of the majors – from what I hear the Jane’s watch every step they take because they think it is a sin to kill anything, even insects.) --- and they're going to give you that confident “no I have no idea I'm in a cult but everything is just fine, really it is” smile and give you all sorts of reasons and evidence that God is undeniable. U dig deep enough and you're going to discover that for them its all going to come down to what is written in their respective holy books. Yep, I'm not making it up. most people get to a point in life where the hand on the burning hot stove is going to be more undeniable than say what you may or may not read in one or two books. But not all people. some of these people will look you right in the eye and tell you that their certainty of what's in that book is stronger than their certainty of their hand on the hot stove or any scientific proof you can prove or unprove in the known universe. And for them we leave a little bit of envy in our hearts, because that's a faith that is hard to muster up in most of us. they’re crazy, granted, I mean, in a court of law they would be deemed insane, but that doesn’t mean that we cannot envy them.

But for the rest of us well we have to dig deep to find that kind of faith. because its not easy in the face of the nothingness that surrounds us. so we rally against and bitch and moan about the God concept because lets face it, God doesn’t seem to mind. If he/she/it exists at all, he/she/it understands I'm sure. So far God doesn’t appear in the form of an undeniable hot stove that you can’t place your hand on. More like a damn good idea that just hasn’t fully materialized yet.

The problem of course with being intellectual is that it’s an utter waste of time. we may find it mildly exciting at some stage. But you just reach a point where philosophizing over matters intellectual feels such a waste of precious time and effort. Reading and thinking and talking about it all. I mean, life hasn’t changed that much since we got here. and I don't see it changing that much by the time we leave. Sure technology has shifted and evolved a lot, but in thirty-thousand years of recorded human history we are still right where we were thirty thousand years ago; no closer to knowing who we are or why we are or how we got here. I don't think any debate we’re going to have over dinner or drinks tonight or at the university or in court tomorrow is going to make a difference. If God had any heart at all he’d throw us a bone, clue us in even a tad. But God the eternal joker –where do you think they got the idea for that character in the first place – is too busy with his own Thai massage at this time; hell, he's probably got three hot Orientals at once as I'm typing this and he considers himself just too damn busy to give us even the foggiest notion of what's really going on.

Went to church today. stayed up all night writing and watching this Mr. smith goes to Washington movie. What a great story. When I finally woke up it was 10:51. church starts at 11am. Oh shit. run forest run! I had 9 minutes to get there, let alone get up, have coffee, shower, shave, get dressed and make a mad dash to the church. Wasn't going to happen obviously. I was planning on attending this church on park Ave. that I had gone into a few weeks before, the one where I had that glorious spiritual experience just wandering in and sitting down. But there was no way I was going to make it. So I jumped up, splashed my face, threw some clothes on, and ran down the street to the closest church I knew of, this Baptist church on 61st and 2nd Ave.

I was hoping for something. at this point I am resigned to the contradictory nature of who I am and how I feel in relation to God and religion and churches. I know it makes no sense. The poet asks me on the phone, ‘you went to church? If your family in town or something? or you just went on your own? why do you spend so much of your time rallying against religion in your diaries then?’ I tell him ‘well, throughout history there hasn’t been anything more harmful or hurtful or destructive than religion bro.’ ‘well I know that. so why do you go to church then?’ ‘I guess its because I still have this longing for community of the spirit. I just can’t shake it. you know, the heart really longs for things spiritual and a chance to be able to share that with others...’ ‘so how was this church?’ ‘not good I'm afraid. Not good at all. it reminded me a lot of growing up. I went to Christian schools all through growing up and it was fucking nuts. a lot of talk about ‘us versus them.’ they have this attitude of ‘we’re saved and ‘they're not.’’ and they talk about it the whole damn time. they kept referring to all the people on my block, by the way did you know that on the block that I live on there are 7000 people?’ ‘no way.’ ‘way. seriously. that's what they said at least. Anyway, they referred to everyone on my block who wasn't a born again Christian as ‘unsaved, lonely souls, lying and dying on the side of the road, I swear to God, they really said this... as if they have to save us all or else we will be forever damned...’ ‘well they believe that...’ ‘I know, and its scary that in this day and age with all we know about science and religion and physics and astronomy and metaphysics that people still think like that. it was actually really scary because I hadn't been in a church like that for a long time and I had forgotten that that's out there.’ ‘it’s a reality though I'm afraid. What are you gonna do. that's life my brother’ ‘indeed it is.’  

Anyway so today wasn't so good of a church experience. In fact, it was rather frightening. Last week at unity was fine. At least there are open minds there. I did get a chance to talk with God a bit and that was nice. ‘God/Goddess, what am I doing here? you know my heart. help me to know you God... help me to know the real you... help me to open my heart and mind and ears and eyes enough to really know you. you know me God, I can’t think like this. this is fucking madness. I'm never going to believe in any of this only through Jesus stuff or the Krishna stuff or the Allah stuff... show me the truth God, show me the real God and spirit... let me know you so I can serve you better God... in my own name I pray.’

The whole damn time they were praising Jesus and saying he was their savior and without him we are doomed to lie dead and suffering on the side of the road... and I'm trying to hold myself back from jumping up and screaming ‘people don't you know that we’re our own savior? Don't you see that every population in the world has an idea of a different savior and in the end none of it even matters because we’re the savior that we’re really looking for?! We don't need a savior from two thousand years ago anymore than we need a Buddha or a Krishna or a Ganesh or a Mohamed or any of that. we’re all little pieces of God people. we’re God right here on earth. Here we are. millions of us. millions of little gods. Lets praise us. lets take this time to worship ourselves.. man I'm loving your music here, but use it to celebrate us!!!’

The other thing is that the minister had all the guys who had ever served in the armed forces stand up and had everyone pray for them. but not one mention of all the innocent Iraqis that have died in this war. Nothing. I stood there in shock and awe. Just total blindness as to the realities of what's really going on.

God do I long for the day when we will be able to pray to a God of no denomination, no dogma, no religion, no backwoods hillbilly camel in the desert fundamentalist intolerant closed minded bullshit attached.

This lady comes into the smoke shop asking us for money to donate to animals. She tells us that your best friends in the world are animals. People will leave you, animals won't.’ and then ‘there’re no animals in the next life, so enjoy them while you can.’ strange set of beliefs I thought. And then Lon tells me ‘don't ever go out with a read-head. They're all certifiable.’ Great now I've heard it all. we’re now classifying people by the color of their hair? Made me think about church this morning. Gosh, people will claim to have all sorts of whacked out beliefs. there are so many beliefs out there, people will just look at you with a straight face and recite them to you as if they are real. I swear to God everyone is just fucking nuts.

Wonderful weekend. Fig and olive, star wars movie, central park, Indian dinner, unity church, brunch with friends, four seasons for afternoon tea. I know I know, why would someone so anti-religion always be going to church all the time. well as soon as I figure that one out I'll let you know. maybe I'm hoping for a new kind of evolution.

Thinking about the Enron scandal from that movie that I just watched. Thinking about Boo Boo Kitty and what she and her brothers and sisters are going through with her sister’s recent treatment for breast cancer. She's only 30 years old but there it is and with both their parents being passed on, its up to them to deal with all the bill paying all on their own. but its hard. Its quite honestly a full time job. The health insurance companies job is to deny the claims. Period. The sister has cancer. She gets treated. The treatment costs hundreds of thousands of dollars. She is covered by medical insurance they think. but the insurance companies refuse to accept the bills or pay for them. they continue to deny the claims and so boo boo sits in her little apartment in mid town Manhattan with a floor full of bills and paperwork totally going out of her mind. Frustrated beyond frustration. Crying and pulling her hair out. they tell her ‘I'm sorry Miss, you'll have to call back between the hours of 9;30 to 11;30 or 1;30 to 4;30. that's the only time suo and so will be available to speak with you....” so what if Boo Boo Kitty or her sister have jobs? what then? exactly. they are fucked. Just like everyone in America. I was deeply affected by this experience. I tried to remain cool and calm and appreciate her creation so as to support her as a good friend would. But inside I was boiling. I walked out of there that night and walked up fifth avenue fuming. America is a shit hole full of evil greedy money grabbers. Something must be done.

I awoke this morning with a revelation speaking to me in my dreams. it was as clear as day. At this point in America one is finally resolved to believe that we have no choice but to resort to absolute anarchy and violence to make the changes we need in this country. this was the message I saw and heard in my dreams. I shared the vision I had with Princess Little Tree and a few others at brunch this morning. “I have decided that we need to resort to violence in order to right how fucking wrong things are in this country,” I began.
“what do you mean?” asks Tom Cat.
“what I mean is that a fucking bomb needs to go off in some of the buildings where these health insurance companies are. plain and simple. Its not fair how things are here now. we are total fucking victims of how greedy and twisted and deceptive our country has turned into.”
“I think its just that things are so fucked now that everyone just says fuck it and tried to make as much money as they can and ignores what's going on around them. I know that's what I'm doing.” Tom says. “We’re not going to change things. its too far gone.”
“That's my point. You're a regular old normal thirty year old attorney and you've already given up on believing in America. So what's a regular old mother of two in Montana who's getting fucked in the ass by her job or by her medical insurance company or her credit card company supposed to do? she's fucking without hope. And that's what I mean. we could put an end to this in less than a year if we started going into these offices and shooting these fuckhead greedy bastards and dragging their asses out into the street for everyone to see that we aren't going to take it anymore.”
“Harsh words my brother. But I hate to say it, but I think you're right.”
“No no no.” protested Little Tree. “There's no excuse for killing people.”
“I would disagree with you there,” said tom cat. “if someone was trying to hurt your children you would have no problem killing them.”
“that's true. if someone was hurting my children I would want to kill them.”
“yes exactly. and that's precisely what's happening now all over our country. our children are getting hurt and killed by how fucking evil and fucked up things are. children are being denied medical treatment because of health insurance companies. Children are dying, people are dying because of health insurance companies. And almost worse than that, they're going fucking bankrupt even when they have health insurance. Because the rules are all set up on their side. And you think our congressmen are going to do anything about it? fuck no. because they already have health insurance and plenty of money. so they don't give a shit.”
“And plus bro that's where they get so much of their campaign money from. from the companies like that.”
“yep. That's what I'm saying. But I'm telling you right now. a few of these fucking ceos get a bullet in the head on their way to their car because some lady can’t pay for her husbands cancer treatment and we’ll see how fast this continues.”
“I can’t believe you are an Avatar and you talking like this. Fishy stop. You don't mean even mean it.”
“Honey, I do mean it. that's the thing. I know it sounds crazy. I know I sound like Anakin skywalker and I've sold my soul to the dark side, but you know what? this is the only way we are going to win this country back for the people. we are too far gone now. our country has totally been taken over by greed and money interests and no one does a fucking thing about it.”
    “What are you doing about it? what peaceful actions are you taking?”
    “Please. look at my website for gods sake. Do you know how much time and effort tand money I've spent and so many of the people that work for me have spent trying to educate and enlighten people to take action? How much I've protested and marched and been an activist the last five to ten years?”
    “Well that's true.”
    “yes I know its true. and all my friends too. I have friends all over the fucking country who have dedicated their entire lives to trying to change things for the better in this country. real hard core activists. And you know what? they haven't done shit. on most accounts they haven't done anything. But we all continue to promote the causes and preach the good work. But bush has still gone into Iraq and killed more than one hundred thousand Iraqis in less than two years. and everyone in America just sits around and pretends that it’s o.k. and you think that's right? that's killing people and yet Americans seem fine with it.”
    “But that isn't right either Fishy.”
    “Yeah I know. but try telling that to most Americans. They're too busy as tom says making money and thinking about themselves. And that's because our system is so corrupt that we have no choice but to be totally selfish and self concerned. We don't have time to think about Iraqis getting killed because we’re too fucking worried about how we’re going to pay the bank fees or the credit card aprs or the high health insurance monthly bills. So we let bush and his madmen do whatever the hell they want.... even if that means killing people in other countries. Even if that means fucking with our school systems or destroying our forests or selling us out to big companies like Enron...”
    “You make a good point man.” Tom says.
    “I know. and trust me. I wish it weren't this way. but it is. and my activist friends just aren't seeing what's really going on because they too now are so caught up in the paperwork and the beurocracy of how things are here that they go on day after day without noticing that they haven't accomplished shit. somewhere down the line I just woke up and realized that I don't believe in martin Luther king now, but instead with Malcolm X and the black panthers to use a simple analogy. we’re going to have to fight now. we’re going to have to rise up and start get violent if we are going to have any chance of having any rights whatsoever. Already what people deal with with their banks and their health insurance and their credit card companies is total bullshit. watch ho fast that changes if a few bombs go off and people start dying.”
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now to be fair I am going to post the following article that someone just forwarded to me, because one it is really fucking good, and two, it is rather appropriate, seems significant, and may help balance the above rantings and ravings. So here it is:

The pope is dead. (I don't like to use the term ‘the pope’ these days – as if everyone is supposed to know what ‘the pope’ means... if we said ‘the doctor’ when speaking about some witch doctor in Zimbabwe would everyone in the world know who that was? no. of course not. so instead let us offer the same respect to the catholic church as we would any other religion of humankind. Not more not less. Perhaps we should call him ‘the leader of the catholic church,’ which is, after all, in the end, all he is.) Tens of thousands mourn in St. peters square. It seems like just yesterday when Giovanna and I were skipping through St. Peters high on hash and Italian beer in the wee hours of the night, splashing in the fountains and jumping from square to square. “are you a catholic,” I ask her. “isn't everyone a catholic here?” “of course I'm not a catholic,” she shouts back at me in her sexy thick Italian accent, as if I had offended her. she tells me how the idea that Italy is all catholic is a myth perpetrated by the church, that at this point in history the people of Italy are nothing now, they are no religion. They believe in God and Jesus but they sure as hell don't believe in the catholic church. they are waiting to be liberated by some new religion or by a regenerated catholic church willing to represent the people rather than rule them with outdated patriarchic ideologies no longer relevant or acceptable to most. [looking back now I find it fascinating how many people stood in line at St. peters to mourn the death of this pope; certainly some of them must be catholic...]

She went on to tell me how many Italians are scared shitless of the catholic church [hey its not just Italians...] and would never dare speak up against them as we do in America—in that we are lucky in America she tells me, but at the same time they don't go to church or pay much attention to anything that has to do with the church. Indeed this idea is so well known that I even had read the same thing in my American tour guide when first visiting the country. at this point the church is relegated to births and weddings and deaths and that's about it. the people are waiting for something to inspire them and revitalize them once more. having been raised a catholic myself I noticed the same thing here in America. People didn't seem to care much about the church here in the states. it seemed very matter of fact growing up... Catholics weren't inspired; obligated maybe, but never inspired. The last dark veil around the beautiful face of humanity is religion; Catholicism and Islam and Christianity. We need to honor and respect our brethren’s beliefs but keep the truth in the back of our minds. Hold a candle for the light of truth to one day shine on humanity.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/04/06/pope.main/index.html

For me I stand in awe and amazement at how newsworthy this event appears to the world. the man stood against same sex marriage, abortion, birth control, women becoming preists – he still promoted this very sexist patriarchal heirechy where men were above women, the obligation of celibacy for the presithood.. which leads to... denial and then, well, you know what... and so many other modern and progressive ideas, and so to me, he stood against humankind itself in a lot of ways. Still, with that said, he united a lot of people and gave them hope... he was against the imperialist invasion of Iraq, good for him. he is against capital punishment, good for him. that actually makes sense given his stand against abortion, as opposed to most conservative Americans, who reveal the glitch in their thinking machinery by admitting being against abortion but pro-capital punishment... The person called the pope leads one of the richest, most powerful, sinister, and dangerous organizations in the world – the catholic church –  what's left of the gasping roman empire still today; a thinly veiled euphemism at best to those in the know. most people don't even know that not only is the catholic church one of the richest companies in the world, they are also secretly their own COUNTRY. Just over the top crazy evil shit this company/country-disguised-as-a-religion has pulled off over the last two thousand years... but they won't mention this on CNN or any other news network. The truth is only uttered under the breath of those brave enough to even have the thought in their heads.

Check out this photo:

grim right? but why? All of the former American presidents have flown in to sit and stare at the passed on priest’s body... but none of them are catholic... what is going on here? any guesses? Would they do the same if the leader of the Hindu religion died? Would they do it if the ayatollah died? Prob not. o.k., obviously not. not now. but I bet they would do it if the dali lama died.. yes? but still they won't help the dali lama in his quest to free his country from the clutches of tyrannical empirical china... well that's because china has more money than Tibet. And the catholic church has more money than both...  the photo and the reality it portrays is quite startling... why are these men putting on such a show to mourn the loss of the leader of the catholic church when they weren't even catholic?

Well, after studying his life the last few days maybe its just because he was such a great guy. and maybe its because he was so dedicated to promoting peace. He even issued a number of apologies on behalf of the catholic church over the last ten years for the horrors perpetrated by Catholics over the last two thousand years to the rest of humanity. That's just fucking amazing. that alone makes him a good guy. better than many that preceded him. for sure.

I keep my eyes on the prize at the end of the right and wrong game when humans will no longer be satisfied being ruled by archaic dogma, but instead will choose self rule and self governance on all levels in their lives. But those days may still be quite a number of years away from us at this point in our slow evolution. People are religious I remind myself. This is real. It is I who lives in another world. the world is still in the world. and though I don't see it, even I am in that world. I just pretend not to know it. people, I remind myself, are religious here on earth still. and dogma is king. Beaurocracy is king. Hierarchies are king.

Our manager called today. ***** record’s London office called about releasing the new CD. brought up my age as a downside to the group if you can fucking imagine. For years we were always too “green”  or too young. And now all of a sudden I am too old... I'm only the fucking singer and songwriter, right, so dispensable. There is this thing about age and the music biz... we must find a way to open these turtles up a bit, get them to catch up to speed before they destroy everything we love about music entirely. some of the best music in the world is being made by girls and guys in their forties or fifties or sixties (sting, bowie, u2, Lou, Dave Matthews –how old is that guy anyway? Stones, Caetano, David Byrne, prince, Aimee Mann, on and on.... But these suits are just absolutely fucking clueless most of the time. I used to never think that because I never wanted to come off like or think I was some jaded or cynical wannabe bastard that could do nothing but complain. I have achieved enough now in my art, at my craft, that I don't have that worry anymore – I mean, that's just not me, one day I woke up and realized that I wasn't going to be one of those ‘oh look at my cool vintage t-shirt I bought on eBay’ kind of cynical pseudo-cool people who cut everyone and everything down that is successful... that's just not me... I don't have to resist anymore I guess because I know its not me....

but I gotta say, its true what they say about the record execs...  most of these guys are just fucking clueless about music or art. They're looking and listening for money, not for soul... Not all of them, but a lot of them. we’re lucky in that we know a few who are really cool. But man... go to the underbelly of the beast and you just won't believe what you will find in the corporate music world... (turn on MTV and see all the sort-of-long-hair bands that last year were short-hair bands that the year before were spiked-hair bands that a few years before that were shaved head bands who years before were super-long-hair bands, and you will see the belly of the beast that has ruined commercial music to the point where everyone is walking around wondering why music sucks so bad even though it really doesn’t – its just gone underground... its on Internet radio and satellite radio now.)

One minute a guy is jumping up and down raving about the new disc and in the next he is worried about how to cover up for the fact that the lead singer is over 30. we are truly an youth obsessed society right now, always have been, which is too bad because for all the beauty of youth, it offers us very little else in the way of stimulation or inspiration. The exces just need to get a fucking clue and realize that we love music. people love music. we all love music. we need music. we adore music. for many of us, music is very important to our fucking lives. And we don't care who is making it half as much as we just want the music to be good and honest and real and speak to us in that really special way that our favorite music does... they gotta spend a lot less time looking for youth and a lot more time looking for career artists.. real artists who touch their soul, not their pocket book. Amen to that children. So we need to bring these people up, raise their consciousness a bit, rather than coming down on them. show them what's its all about. nuff said.

The Success of New Religions

Besides being able to detect most genetic diseases before birth, so we can decide if we want to bring the child into the world [though most thinking people would argue that the being is already ‘in the world’] we can now choose the gender of our children. The Genetics and IVF institute in DC has a 90% accuracy rate for girls and a 75% accuracy rate for boys. That's amazing.

It has made me think more about the debate yesterday about God and religion that me and the boys were having. Someone had made a point that religion often times historically was nothing more than a tool for the ruling state. A way to control the masses by the governing class through rules and laws that had no basis or justification in reality --- so the fear of God or the customs of the religion of the day or God’s “law” could all be used as a way to control people, since often times logic couldn’t. (one can easily see that still in force today in the reasons people give for not allowing same sex marriage rights in the United States –- no logical rational or justification to it, so they are forced to use God and religion as the main arguing points against it; and remarkably it works for the most part. In Fridays paper I even saw a headline that read “Why same sex marriage will surely lead to polygamy. Seriously. that was the headline! Fucking crazy people out there. and they're not the ones you think they are. With articles such as those, it’s the puritan right-wingers that are the biggest threat to human civilization. Then again now that you mention it, ever since I first started condoning same sex marriage I have noticed a strange desire within to make love with sheep as of late. maybe there's something to these theories after all.)

Anyway, certainly this is a given, historically speaking, that this is one of the main purposes of man’s religions – to control the masses by the state. I don't think anyone would argue with that one. Most of the western world today call themselves Christians because one man, the roman Emperor Constantine, hallucinated in the desert that he saw a cross in the sky on his way to battle. He decided to start adopting Christianity into his belief system of the time which still consisted of worshiping many roman and Greek gods and goddesses. It wasn't that he suddenly abandoned all of the other gods and goddesses that he and the rest of western civilization believed in, but he certainly started finding an affinity within for this newcomer Jesus into the hierarchy of deities who were popular at the time once he was crowned victorious in the battle that ensued. What's fascinating to ponder is the possibility of Constantine not hopping on the Christian train and instead jumping on board some other religious ship that was in the harbor of the times. if he would have instead discovered Krishna for instance, we would all be Hindus today.

The reason most in the western world are Christian has not much to do with the veracity or the logical justifications for the religion itself, or even how well it works, if one can qualify such a thing, but more to do with the fact that it was the religion adopted by the ruling class of that time, the roman empire, just as before then, we all held the religious beliefs of worshiping the sun God and the goddess astarte and isis etc, precisely because that was the religion of the ruling government. And of course the same was true for the Jewish religion since time began. It was and still is something you are just born into. if you're Jewish, you're Jewish. Not hard to figure out. plenty of people were at the time, but then the government of that time then adopted Christianity, and slowly over the centuries the people then too adopted Christianity. That's how it works. but it’s a slow process. Not a process one can watch over the time span of a single lifetime, but in much broader scope. It is a process, like many evolutionary processes, that takes life times to observe. Its not as if one day everyone just wakes up and decides that they are Christian or what have you.

A few hundred years later, Mohamed gets jiggy with it by himself in a cave and proclaims a new religion based on the same God as the Christians and Jews were digging, but adds a few more misogynous twists here and there, like women always having to be covered in public, and men being allowed to have more than one wife if he could afford to do so, because after all, we know how horny God could get back then. This new religion of Islam was much like Christianity, even the God was the same, but just a more revved up and militant version. it was all about death and revenge. Namely, death and revenge to the white people who ruled the earth. convert or die was the credo, pretty much the same credo of the Christian religion, which at the time, was called the catholic religion, which was nothing more than a cover for the roman empire. Remarkably convenient for himself and many of his Arabian brothers and sisters, the new home of this new religion was right there in the middle east and God it turned out was very Arabian. Just as the Christian God looked very white and Anglo Saxon, and the Hindu God looked very Indian. All very convenient; and a damn good testament to how good God is at creating people in his own image as they all say.

In the bath this morning I found myself in deep meditation with God. it has been a very stressful time lately and morning meditations help bring things back into focus. communion with God is sacred to me. but it’s a tricky subject. I picture God as kind of sitting back snickering at me a bit, waiting for me to just accept it, while I ponder till the cows come home. I thought about Beaver and the last talk we had over he and Rat ‘discovering religion’ once they had kids. we were all home for the holidays. Beav and I were outside drinking cognac and smoking after dinner.
“yeah so mom told me you guys are members of your local church now....” I began.
“don't start Fishy. I already knew you were going to say something. don't.”
‘but dude. C'mon. the church? The catholic church? How could you?
‘I have my reasons man.’
‘and what are those? What are you thinking?”
‘I'm thinking I don't want my girls to grow up without God and the kind of community that a local church can give them.’
‘fine. Granted. I can dig that. but the catholic church? The most evil empire in all of civilization?! And you become a member? How could you do this to me?’
‘its not about you man. Its about my family.’
‘what about all my preaching? what about my reputation. What if this leaks out?’
He just gave me this look and dragged on his cigarette...
‘Fine. Dude. I dig it. I see where you're coming from. I really do. you know, just between you and me, I still take in a church now and then. I have to go incognito of course. They'd fucking burn me at the stakes if they ever caught me in a church...
‘They're going to burn you at the stakes either way bro....  accept it. mom says she can’t sleep at night because she's afraid that one night she is going to wake up to a call from the police that you have been murdered because of that crazy shit you write in your diaries.’
‘Yeah I know. I’ve been lucky so far. who knows? maybe the stuff I'm writing isn't so crazy.”
“Sure, keep telling yourself that. maybe one day you’ll believe it. I think you're crazy. According to you, anyone who is republican or democrat or religious or who watches TV or reads the paper or who listens to the radio is an idiot.”
“So?”
“So? Dude there are three hundred million people in this country and you're basically talking about every single one of them, including me and mom. You're asking for it. you're an anarchist. You’ve always been an anarchist.”
“Yeah I know. But you're wrong. not everyone is like that. people are changing.”
“You suffer me bro. your life scares the shit out of me. I don't know how you live like that. so out there away from the mainstream.”
“I always have. But I'm always home for Christmas. Don't let it worry you.”
“Can’t help it. you’re my bro. I want to grow old with you. I don't want to see you on TV strung up dead on some fence by a bunch of rednecks.’
‘just my luck man. Those fucking bastards. Remember what they did to that kid just because he was gay?”
‘Yes. that's what I'm talking about.”
“well I'm not gay man. At least not yet.”
“Not yet? dude you are so fucked up you fag.” Laughs.
“Dude can’t you guys join another church? A regular Christian church? I dig what you're saying about needing that sense of comfort and security.”
‘that's what I'm saying. I wanted my girls to have that as a foundation.’
‘but what about all the lies and the untruths that they are being fed now? and then when they get older they're going to start realizing just like we did that they were totally brainwashed and hate you for it.’
‘maybe. Maybe not,’ he dragged from his cigarette. ‘maybe they’ll like it and stay with it.’
‘great. Just what we fucking need in this family. More religious people. like mom isn’t bad enough. And just what we need in the world. more brainwashed religious walking around spouting lies and placing their unfounded judgments on everyone. Great.’
‘Fishy.’ he looked me in the eye. ‘I know what you mean. O.k.? but I'm not raising my kids alone. You know what I mean? There's two of us. it’s a family. There are two of us making the decisions here. you know? it’s a compromise.’
‘well when I have kids my kids are going to make fun of your kids...’ I laughed. ‘they're going to KNOW the truth, and your kids are going to be blind zombies thinking that God created Adam and eve in the year 4000 BC and they're going to feel awfully confused when they start learning about evolution and all that. its not going to be pretty.’
‘No. I'll take care of that.’
‘how?’
‘because man. Give me more credit. I'll teach my girls what's up. I'm not going to let them take away all that. I'm going to teach them the truth. But the church is going to give them a sense of values and morals and a foundation that they can build off....’
‘like the same kind of values and morals we learned going to catholic school all our lives? Dude. You and I both know how horrible that was. There weren't any values or morals in those schools. It was pure hell.’
‘I agree with you bro. I really do. my girls aren't going to get that. but hopefully they’ll get a good sense of community that we just can’t get without church right now.’
‘I know what you mean man. But I just can’t help but believe that we can still get that good warm sense of comfort and community without a church. At least not the normal American Christian churches. I just don't believe in it anymore... too much damage has been done over the centuries...’
‘I agree with you man. But like I said, there's two of us now making the decisions. We’re cool. don't worry about it.’
‘easy for you to say. I just don't like the idea of more people coming into the world thinking that the church is the right way and all the other ways are the wrong way. I don't like this idea that those people carry around that think that there's one God and all the other ones are false gods...’
‘I know dude. But isn't that what you do anyway? In your own way?’ I thought about what he said.
‘o.k. yeah. I'll give you that. I'm guilty of the same thing in a way. but I don't have any labels or identities or rules attached to my God man. IT just is. You know?’
‘as well it should be. I know that man. And my girls will be the same way. just as I am. And you are.’
‘yeah man. That's the fucked up part about religions right now on the earth. They all think they're the right one and everyone else is wrong. its fucked up. it causes too much pain for everyone. All their rules and dogmas... its always about who’s right and who’s wrong. and next thing you know, someone's getting murdered or locked in prison or blown up. its horrible. Always has been... I just thought that our family was different...’
‘we are different Fishy. trust me on this one. I know what I'm doing.’
‘I trust you bro. its cool. I just had to say my peace.’
‘cool man. Thanks for understanding. Now please don't become a fag.’ Big laughs.

I sat there in the lukewarm water of the bath. I bowed my head. “God help me to find within myself a deep and meaningful spirituality that fulfills me completely but that is honest and real. I won't have any of the manmade stuff. you and I both know it. But we both also know that I cannot continue to live without something. show me who you are. If you are. I'm here and I'm waiting. Show me God.”

I was studying the history of Morocco this morning, and I foresaw this quest to learn about and discover every facet of the planet nearing completion one day soon. and then what? I got kind of scared for a minute. A panic set in for a minute. I thought to myself, ‘once I'm done learning about everything there is, then what? Do I just go sit in a cave somewhere and wait to die?’ It reminded me of when we were younger and we first discovered the great writers and poets and philosophers. You know, the ‘great thinkers’ phase. The college years. A few years spent ravagely studying them all, soaking it in, looking for clues... and then one day the novelty of it, the newness, the mystery of it, wears off. You start focusing more on real world stuff and less on the cerebral. You realize that you could go on like that forever and still never read them all. But that you don't really need to read them all. You get the basic ‘best one thousand books ever written’ down and then, for me at least, you just kind of lose interest and move on. it was great fun but now its done, to turn a phrase. Anyway, I noticed the same thing with music too. you know when you first discover a new style of music, like classical, or Brasilian pop, or drum and bass, and you ravage it for a while, learn everything there is to learn about it, collect them all, and then one day you reach this endpoint so to speak. Its not necessarily burnout as much as been there done that. its not as if you don't enjoy it anymore, because you do. I mean, I do. but it just isn't new anymore. It doesn’t have the same ability to mysteriously transfix our attention as it once did. I notice this with everything. I get kind of super absorbed in things that are new and then once I get through them, to the other side, then I move on to something else to discover or explore. [remember that football phase? For years I never even knew football existed, and then for a year straight I must have watched over a hundred DVDs about football. I could name every NFL player in the hall of fame in order. Crazy. but then one day I noticed the obsession wearing thin.]

[in a moment’s thought so many other things tie together from this dialogue... I had been thinking about how when people that you know ask you ‘what are you doing tonight?’ and you know they may be going to a movie, or going to dinner, or going to a bar with friends, or going to a club to pick up girls, or to a party or whatever... and since I was very young I have always been kind of isolated from a lot of that, not as much as some mad scientists types we hear of, but probably pretty damn close to that. an extremely social anti-social kind of person I think is a good way to describe it. I have always had a real hard time with things like that, because I get really nervous and anxious at social things because I am always thinking about all the work I could be doing. I have always found more pleasure in “working,” and a lot of times working is just creating or reading or studying something. Even though my heart always longs for close solid friendships as well. you know, you don't lose that. its not as if you don't have that. because you do. you still want to have the security and warm fuzzy feeling of having good friends and family around you. but rather than spend any time going to hang out, I've always found it more rewarding to just keep on working all the time. what I really like is when I can just have friends hanging around while I work. That's cool. like they can be in another room watching a movie or drinking and talking and I can kind of still be there, but I can be writing or songwriting or studying or whatever. look and make the occasional comment. Best of both worlds...

still, you don't often get that. most of the time your friends want to go out and do stuff. Like say Friday night hits and all your friends go to a party, but I want to stay home in order to watch three or four classic French films, because at the time I am ‘researching classic French film.’ “Of course you are,” as the Poet would joke. and that's what I'm saying, back to the original point. I'm not sure what it is. its this never-ending hunger to know everything. so its like one day you realize you’ve seen every classic or ‘considered great’ American movie ever made. I mean, you just wake up one day and you are at the end of the road with it. its sad in a way. Because that's over for you now. you're done with it. so the only thing you can do is move on to all the great Italian directors, then the French, or the Iranian, or Russian, or Japanese, etc, and after a few years, you realize that you and film have finished courting. Your relationship is over. You can watch movies over and over again, but for the most part you are done with that. you’ve reached the wall.

Now I’ve noticed that in my brief time here I have done that with so many things already; literature and poetry, theology and religion and philosophy of course. The sciences are always good to go back to you, dig deeper. But you know, how do you get beyond expert at something? I guess that from there you can start looking for the undiscovered...

[I take that back. experts are different. They keep on studying something beyond the endpoint. They get to the end and they decide to turn back and look around more. they get involved in actually memorizing aspects of a certain subject or field. That's never been my thing. I've noticed that I m more interested in just researching to the endpoint. Getting through it, to that deepest most basic understanding of it, so you see the ‘who what why how when and where’ of something and that's enough. There are always going to be people who are more interested in studying every minute detail of something and just spending their whole life in that, and we should leave that to them. Those are the experts.]

Music of course. I don't think there’s an artist or album that has ever existed or been made that I don't have in my collection. And I don't mean that from a layperson’s point of view, like when your best friend Johnny says that between bites of his cheeseburger, where they may have a few thousand cds in their collection that they're real proud of. But I'm talking about more from a scholar’s or researcher’s viewpoint: ‘have you ever heard this 1933 recording of pygmy mouth harp music from central Africa?’ [there are no pygmies in central Africa of course.] along with all the usual stuff that we all know about. I'll go to a store in a new country and say to a few of the clerks (because its impossible for us as non-natives to know all the good stuff except the really popular stuff) ‘Look, pick out every single classic or cool or cult album ever made in this country and start putting them on the counter. Would you do that for me?’ and of course for them it’s a ball and for me as well. and it’s a great way to dig in deeper than we can if we’re just reading magazines or whatever. but even then you’re still going to miss a lot of stuff. [I did that in Italy and walked away with hundreds of CDs and then one day on the beach I bought a bunch of bootlegs or pirated cds and I pop in this supposed Nelly CD and instead this amazing Italian music comes on and it turns out that its this guy Ivanno fussatti, who is now my favorite Italian singer, and out of all the hundreds of cds that the clerks chose for me at the stores, no one picked out any of his... so you never know. it seems there will always be little treasures out there left for us to discover. Let us hope so.]

I was parked on the side of the road downtown with the top down. Smoking a cigar and typing. I want to do a series of interviews with priests and nuns and other religious leaders I have met over the years. Been collecting these various people for a long time. I was creating a list of questions for them. Things like, do you think God is a man or a woman? Or is he just beyond all that in your mind? Do you regret not having sex all your life? do you think that not having sex all your life has brought you closer to God?

I'm typing away. just totally absorbed. And then I hear this voice like right next to me. and I jump. Totally freaked out. and I look up and there's this lady, obviously a homeless lady standing next to the car. “didn't mean to scare you sir.” me a sir? that's funny. “But do you have a cigarette?” I was startled. “Oh no, I don't smoke.” I say with this cigar hanging out of my mouth. She gives me this confused look, like I'm crazy or something. “But do you need some money?” her eyes light up. she is sniffling. Eyes all bloodshot. “yeah I could use some!” she says. I reach into my pocket. Fuck all I have is a twenty left. “Here you go.” I give her the twenty. She is so happy. I don't tell Bas or Cleo or Beaver or mom or anyone that I give away so much money all the time to strangers. they would think I'm fucking crazy. I can’t even pay my bills the last couple of months. So broke these days... i could use that money to eat... but then, im not wandering the streets asking people for money. At least not yet... but that's not the point. Face it, I am crazy in that respect. Is there such a thing as irresponsible giving? If there is, then I'm one of the biggest offenders.... perhaps there's a 12 step program... but when someone is in need, and no matter you’ve ever thought or been told, anyone who’s gotten to the point where they are asking total strangers for money is in need, and so I don't know, but... maybe its an irresponsible responsibility that we all have to give to those of us who have reached that point in their lives... something like that.

Late night talks last night with Little Tree. In the dark of the night. When the deepest and most secret thoughts are easily revealed. I tell her how it is almost as if I know that if I were in a relationship I would feel more fulfilled, because I am aware, deeply aware, of how much more meaning I could derive out of being in a relationship, rather than being single. It’s a great feeling to be in a relationship. Easy to get your attention sucked into it---the whole me, her, us, and then when you have kids, them thing. 

Easy to create something that seems bigger than just yourself. But when you break up you realize that a lot of it was just illusion. The whole us thing, the home, the family, and all that. I think older married couples realize that too. once the kids move out, then all of a sudden they realize that it really is just them on their own after all. not all the time. just sometimes. But it is amazing once a couple breaks up how this whole image of ‘the home’ ‘the couple’ ‘the family’ and all the other institutions that are created when two or more people come together seem entirely meaningless and non-existent because now its just back down to two homes of one persons. So you're still back to just being you. When you're a couple you take all this pride and give all this attention to a lot of things you wouldn’t when you are single. Furniture or photos or your pets---many items you bought together or that you tell yourself have some special meaning. 

But when you're single you have the opportunity to be more of a nomad. Those things aren't as important to you because you aren't using them as bonding items with another person I guess. When you are single the meaning that you derive out of life has got to come from somewhere else. It cannot come from your relationship or your marriage or your children because you don't have any of that. So that s where the challenge is, but that is also where there is much joy. 

“You know what fishy?” she asked me. 

“what?

“He doesn’t come through for you,” Madelyn sobbed, tears shooting out of her eyes. “We always tell ourselves ‘God will come through for us. God knows best.... But its not true. Its so random... its all just so random. God lets us down all the time... sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down.” 

“I know...” I didn't know what to say. What can you say? She was right. 

“When something good happens to us we say thank you God. And then when something really bad happens to us, we ask God why? And we are supposed to believe that is God's will? Or what?! God just didn't pay attention and it happened because of some other reason? Is that it? and then he can’t help us and we’re just stuck out there on our own?! is that it?”

“I don't know. I can’t figure it out either Maddie. Who’s to say? I think we just have to depend on ourselves and just do the best we can for ourselves...” 

“It’s a myth. Isn't it? Its all just stuff we’re making up! And I hate it. I hate it!” she cried even more and beat the bed with her fists. “I'm sick of it. I'm sick of believing in things that aren't real. Why can’t we just have truuuuuuuuuttttthhhhh?!” she cried out. I just tried to be there for her, smiling, accepting, unconditional. 

“I know. I know,” I said. “God still loves you even if you don't love him,” I joked. She laughed.  

“I love my cats.” She grabbed her cat. “They would never lie to me. Would you kitty?” she said starting to cheer herself up. Man you don't forget someone like Madelyn O'Ryan. When Ferret says she is the kindest sweetest most good hearted person he has ever met, like an angel or something, he isn't kidding. Everyone feels this was about her. She is true blue. She is like an angel. I wish God was more there for her. I wish God was more there for all of us...

The question is, can we still be happy if we get to a point where we don't believe in a God? Mohdie doesn’t believe in a God. And he is one of the happiest people we know. Me and Maddie always have and we’re two of the most confused people out there. Sometimes I think its easier not to. because like woody Allen says, ‘things are just so bad on earth for so many centuries that if there really was a God we would all be filing class action suits against him.’ But regardless of how true that may be, it is hard to shake the idea of it if you were raised with it. Bertrand Russell (or was it BF Skinner?) had postulated a theory back in the sixties that its just all in the raising. That if we wanted to we could raise a person to believe without a shadow of a doubt that a pine cone was God if we just instilled it in them within their first three years of life. its just that initial brainwashing in the formative years. I think that's what's happened to a lot of us. The majority of us on earth, whether Christian, Muslim, Jewish or Hindu. We’re raised to believe in these different gods. So even though we may grow up not seeing any proof of their existence, and in fact seeing a lot of proof that they don't exist, we still have some deeply embedded belief in them because of our brainwashing as little children. Not only does this lead us all to a lot of sadness and confusion, disillusion and disappointment as we become aware adults, but it also has led to a lot of hatred and bigotry and death and destruction and war for all of us over the centuries. 

I look forward to the day when we can just say to one of our enemies, “Hey I'll put down my God if you'll put down yours. I say we just put the whole God and religion thing behind us and just start asking ourselves how we can help each other.” One can see how beautiful that could be. Just two humans forgetting about all that other stuff. Those will be the days. And I hope I'm here to see it. We can erect churches and temples to ourselves instead of to gods. And we can have holidays that celebrate ourselves and our own accomplishments rather than all these different and sort of hard to prove mythical religious holidays that just end up confusing the shit out of everybody. Its easy to think about all this especially now because the world is in such chaos because of conflicting religious beliefs. 

Just recently some general from America said some really kooky religious stuff. Scary. People like that, hard to believe they are still around. I still believe in God. And I try to talk to him/her/it all the time. I just try not to attach any religion to It. I mean, if God wants to give us a religion he will. Its not going to be debatable and filled with loopholes and technicalities and half truths like it is now with all the religions of the earth. You don't need to have faith in things. Let other people believe that all they want if it helps them feel better about believing in things that they can’t see or prove. But to me God is bigger than all that. 

So for now the concept whether real or not seems just too big to attach anything to like a religion. Man I hope one day he/she/it does reveal himself to us. But lets say that he doesn’t. And then I die and find out nothing at all cause I'm just dead and there's nothing else. That will still be cool because I think I got a lot of strength and support from believing anyway. When I think of God it makes me feel good either way. The only problem is like what happened to Maddie when she had her spiritual breakdown, like when you start expecting God to come through for you and he doesn’t. That’s kind of frustrating. And that's happened to me a lot too. I am sure it’s happened to everyone. Millions of times a day all over the earth. But we keep creating God anyway because like I said it makes us feel good to have that belief. Better than not believing I guess...  

Twenty five years ago we sent a big ship off into space. We called it the voyager. And the idea was just to send it out there and never have it return. Just kind of set it on course and see what happens. In 2003 it has assumably reached the outer edge of our solar system finally. What an amazing concept?! We put a lot of stuff into the ship. Things that we hope some other life forms might find and then know that we exist. We made a vinyl record too. CDs didn't yet exist. So we made this record and we put some Beethoven on there and some blind Willie Johnson and some bob Dylan, probably some Elvis too. we also recorded messages in over fifty different human  languages, just in case these alien beings don't speak English but maybe speak Norwegian or something. Who knows? I don't think the irony is lost in translation. I don’t know for sure if they put any other animals speaking on the vinyl disc, such as that of a dog or a cat or a horse or whatever. Just in case... The question of course that is begging here is if some other intelligent life forms do find this ship and then eventually they discover this record, would they really know what to do with it? Realistically there aren't many people here on earth anymore who would know what to do with a vinyl record these days, let alone beings from another planet or a galaxy far far away....

<Speech before the United Nations International Conference on God and World Religions in March, 1998. New York City.> 

“Falling asleep and thinking about God one night recently. Like many nights. Wanting to pray. Not quite sure sometimes how to pray or who to pray to. I don't mind admitting that. I think its natural. The idea of God and religion is some pretty deep stuff. I guess that's why we’re all here.” laughs.  

“I want to thank you all for having me here. I am in awe of the event. I am as surprised by my appearance here as I am sure many of you are.” Laughs. “It is an honor to be here. I am learning a lot from all of you.” I paused. Applause. I continued, slowly. 

“I thought about Jesus. I told him I needed a break for a while. He seemed to understand.” Laughs. “Man gets to a certain age. Thinks he’s seen it all and done it all and thought it all. Of course we’re just kidding ourselves with that one. It feels that way sometimes though. We start to thinking that we want our thoughts and our actions to be as honest as they can be. Hard to fit religion in with that kind of thinking. Though perhaps not many religious people would agree with that idea, that's o.k. with me. I'm willing to ride that idea all on my own if I have to. But just too many damn inconsistencies in the Jesus thing for me to swallow it whole. And for me now, you just get to that stage in life when you want to know that you know what you know. You know?” laughs.

“You don't want to have any doubts about it. You don't want to have any doubts about anything. Life is already so full of doubts. So why add to that? I know what I think God is. And I don't think there are any inconsistencies in this God. I don't think God is capable of inconsistencies. So many loopholes and myths and fables and, well you know, in the whole religious thing. And that's nobodies fault and I'm not blaming anyone for it now. I think I'm over that. Took a while.” laughs. 

O.k. what an adventure. I had to call a cab from the apartment and have him take all my luggage to the new hotel. And then I had to follow him. We’re talking like ten or more miles, maybe more. about a half hour drive right through the center of Rome from the bottom all the way to the top of it. I was following him on my scooter. He was driving very fast. through all these little streets, huge squares, and mammoth highways. Traffic everywhere. it was right out of a movie. Me following as close behind him as possible, sometimes driving up to 80 kms. If all that wasn't enough he takes me right into piazza di spagna (what we call the very famous “Spanish Steps”) which is where my new abode is, and this is a pedestrian only area and I'm whizzing through it on their motorcycle trying to follow him and these cops are chasing me. but I'm thinking ‘I'll just keep going and act like I don't see them, how much farther can this hotel be?’ they finally catch up to me blowing their whistles and everything and by now all the tourists are watching this. because of all the ruckus in this huge square. This lady cop starts shouting at me and pointing for me to pull over, thinking I'm Italian. and I'm like, (in Italian of course) I'm sorry I don't speak Italian. What are you saying?” and she's screaming back, “you don't speak Italian?! you speak Italian just fine! What the hell is wrong with you?! why didn't you stop?! Blah blah blah.” Finally the taxi cab driver comes running back to us shouting “he's an American. he's trying to follow me. i have all his luggage in my cab.” And she's like, “I don't give a shit. He's in a pedestrian only area and you know it. why did you let him come whizzing through here on that scooter like that?! you know better.” It went on and on. I continued to plead that I knew nothing about this and was simply following a cab. She was getting very angry at me and told me I had to walk this scooter like a mile in the opposite direction. At which I said very politely, ‘no way. I'm too tired. My hotel is that way. please let me walk it to my hotel.’ and miraculously she said yes. What a mess. It was one of those comedies from the seventies. Me and the lady cop, who was very hot and sexy by the way, and the cabby all arguing in front of thousands of tourists. And her waving this ticket book like it was life or death if she gave us a ticket. And I'm thinking I hope she does give me a ticket. I will fucking rip it up right in her face, hop on my scooter and take off down some alley. Then it will turn into a woody Allen movie. Classic. 

So. I woke up this morning and I just knew I needed to move. You live in one of these tenement buildings like this old one and you share a common courtyard with maybe fifty other apartments. Which is fin except in Italy where there is no AC. So everyone leaves all their windows open. All day and all night. so by 6 am you are wide awake to every conceivable sound from everyone else who is waking up. its really gross but you hear every person burp, use the bathroom, cough sneeze, talk to their spouses or kids, walking their dogs, making their breakfast, etc, etc. so by 6 am I was laying awake in their sweaty old disgusting bed listening to all these strange people do their thing. And I didn't get to sleep until maybe 2 or 3 because I was so hot. And I was just like o.k. now I  know what the lesson is. get the fuck out of situations that don't serve you. and next time don't take so long. I made it school. Groggy as hell and late as always because I got way lost and drove miles out of the city of Rome cause I got caught on some stupid expressway driving way faster than I had any right to be, but just to keep up with traffic so I didn’t get run over. By the time I got to class I was angry and grumpy and stressed.

After a while I cooled into what is turning into a very good class. Better than the one in Florence. This class is all adults rather than teenagers. We have a Ukrainian, two Slovakians, two Germans, a French man, me from the States, a Brasilian, a lady from Congo in Africa, a lady from Chile, and an Argentina. So lots of different languages floating around the room. Very little English, which sucks for me. But maybe that is a good thing in the long run. I am forced to speak italian or Spanish or Portuguese. or mumble in English while everyone laughs at me for trying to speak English to a teacher who doesn’t speak it.  

Rome. What is it like? Not as a tourist. If you’ve been here or you do come here someday as a tourist, stay three or four days to see the sites, casually walking the streets while you eat your gelato, shut up because you have no idea what its like. I'm talking what is it like if you are living here and driving around all over the place on a scooter or in a car, trying to find your way around and find a grocery store and drycleaners etc. totally different thing. For one thing, yes it is very hot, as one recent Navy guy from the states I met said, ‘you spend a lot of the day just thinking about how hot you are and trying to find places with ac.’ For another thing. The city is every bit as big as New York. Rome is huge. Its like Sao Paulo or Tokyo. But there is no grid system here like in New York. After all the city is twenty-five hundred years old. So its just a big jumble of streets and highways and plazas and squares and alleys and whatever else you can imagine. They go straight, crooked, diagonal. They cut off after only a block sometimes. And of course they are all one way. so you may be driving one way and then the street just cuts off and you can’t go anymore. You have to turn or turn around. Its just crazy. And there a very few traffic lights. So everyone just drives however they want to. the fastest and the bravest one wins. This is the only rule of the roads here from what I can tell. There are even fewer street signs. A lot of times you have to drive really far looking everywhere just to see what street you are driving on. This is all stuff that is hard to get used to if you live in the United States of perfection. Where everything is in its right place. 

Now I know I have to leave Miami now. I have been here for five days and I'm just not feeling it. I absolutely love it here. isn't this funny? I mean I really like it. I love driving down the interstates with the top down blasting the music and seeing the beautiful views everywhere. I feel like it is home. But when I'm walking down the street I'm feeling this major discomfort inside. I'm not used to it. was gone too long. Now I know what it is. its just time to bail. I gotta find a place where I feel more at home. I will always love Miami. I am trying to figure out a way I can keep my place here and get another place in New York. Cause I love it here. and would like to come back a few times a year just to chill. How can you not love Miami? But I'm feeling New York a lot more now. just for the homey feeling. Like I already feel like new York is my home. It feels like home to me. why? I don't know. I only lived there a year. Isn't that weird though? Walking around South beach felt so unreal. So unaligned. Like I have to get out of here. like I am a dead stranger walking around in a world in which I do not belong. Zombies everywhere. Crazy. The Piano Man put it best. “dude I've been here five years and still don't feel like I've made any good friends here.” yea man. I think everyone agrees with you but no one does anything about it.  

Talking and debating all the time with Rosie about God. So much fun. The more I hear her ideas and her friends and teachers and preachers ideas about religion the more it turns me off to Christianity and all the religions. As Bas says “Ro, you make the most beautiful thing sound so horrible.” Its like all these rules that they just have made up ruin what could be a very simple and beautiful thing. Ro just read be here now by ram Dass please. 

Current Spin: a little Italian alternative group known as afterhours, hai paura del buio?

Last screening: natural born killers. The best movie ever made? They say that coveted label belongs to citizen Kane. Hey man, Elvis was once considered the king. But that was then and this is now. The acting, the script, the cinematography, the lighting, the colors, the music, the quick shots, everything. The guy was so much better than anyone else when he made this film. So way beyond. He was Jesus. He was peaking. It’s a study in human genius. I have never been more moved or inspired by a film, not the content mind you, which I still find disconcerting—but the film itself as a testament to how good moviemaking can be. Still today. it is the Sistine chapel of cinema. Its the white album. 

Studying the life and art of Leonardo and Michelangelo now. Bought tons of books. So now we are knee deep in the renaissance. Today I went to the church and museum of Santa Croche. This place is beyond famous. Just in complete shock the whole time. it is so big and so beautiful. I found myself walking around with my mouth hanging open the whole time. I had to keep remembering to close it. today in this magnificent church I saw the actual tombs of Michelangelo, Rossini, Machiavelli, and Galileo, Dante, Bruneleschi, and Gibertti who is known as the person who started the renaissance with his famous doors of Il Duomo. It is unbelievable. Like in these tombs are the bones of these guys you grow up hearing about all your life. these men were like gods to me when I was growing up. and then you're like o.k. there is his body, and there is this painting he painted. And there is the house he grew up in. It really helps bring it all down to earth a bit.

I hooked up with some tourist group from Seattle Washington in the good old us of a and I learned so much from the lady who was leading it. she is an art historian there at their college. And they told me I could follow along and listen so I did. I think that the Americans are such nice kind but kick ass people. yes they are the absolute loudest here in Europe. And yes you can hear them coming from a mile away. it is true. I will not take that away from all the Europeans who loath us for how obnoxious we are. If I hear really loud obnoxious voices from behind me or whatever it always turns out to be some Americans rather than the French or Germans or English or Japanese—who actually do not speak. I am told they go their whole lives without speaking. They just take pictures. But all that aside, every time I run into Americans I am so enthused by how nice and happy and kick butt they are. Every time I help someone cross the street or carry something in a store or at a station they get all red and say oh thank you, thank you, you guys are so nice, so polite. And I'm thinking man this is easy. “lady I don't think you understand. All the guys are like this in America. Its no big deal. Seriously.” When I get back to the states I have got to move out of Miami and move back to America. I miss it. 

Two days of snowboarding in flagstaff. I am so sore I cannot even lift my arms, and can barely walk, but I had the most fun in the last two days than can ever remember. Listening to music on the way up the mountain—Rufus wainright, strokes, Bessie smith, even the new avril lavigne.  A surreal experience with the magic snow capped mountains and the white blankets covering the terrain everywhere you look. Peaceful and quiet. Easy to be alone with your thoughts and feelings. And Rufus singing so pure and passionately. Put on some Air and some Phoenix and some new David gray. Orange sky, mountains surrounding us, skyscraper Aspens and pines blowing in the wind, chills in my body from the beauty of the experience.  

I wiped out so many times I couldn’t even stand up. I would just lay there in the snow for ten minutes staring up at the sky, in this ecstatic pain, then lift myself up again. So happy to be alive. I haven't checked email or checked voicemail in a week. Just disappeared into things, living in the moment. I love the cold and snow so much I have no idea why I still live in Miami. 

Lots of emails from Muslim fans and friends re one of my last diary postings. Interesting. They are not all .... terrorists, obviously. Too bad the whole world cannot convert to Hinduism. We don't see them running around the world killing people like some other religions we know of. Nod-nod, wink-wink, and I don't necessarily mean the Muslims. Even Buddhism would be good. Of course we would have to change that awful first law that “life is suffering.” Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if we changed one word. Perhaps “life was suffering.”

Saw Andréa Boccelli last night. Not quite Domingo or Pavarotti, but I don't think he aims to be. He has such a signature sound to his voice. It is all his own. so he doesn’t have to be anyone else. He is who he is. First half lots of classic opera and Neapolitan songs. Very romantic, beautiful stirring music. Then a moderate dose of his more contemporary pop-opera, a genre he didn't necessarily create but certainly defined in modern times. He even sang his own version of My Way by Paul Anka. He also played the flute and the piano. Wonderful. Amazing day today.

Spoke with Jennifer today for over an hour. Reconciled, resolved, worked through. We both left the conversation feeling more alive and refreshed. Met with friend of a friend who is a PR girl who offered to help the band get more press and publicity in northeast. Really smart person from new York. Talked for hours about everything from business to politics to modern culture. Refreshing.

Later tonight overheard a man talking about the film Koyaanisqatsi and others. We started talking about music and film. Turns out he is Jeffrey Lew, one of the producers of that film and many others. We had a real synergy. Mad fast-paced wide-eyed half-sentences about everything from film to music to religion to Indians. Spoke about a few upcoming film and music projects. Going crazy without an assistant. More interviews tomorrow. Six weeks now. Perhaps I am already crazy. 

A cat will attack anything that it sees in it's space that is smaller than it is, except maybe for another cat. They will attack and play with until death a mouse, a bird, a lizard, all insects, a frog. Objectively it's really strange instinct they have to just kill anything they see. They have no ethics about this. If it crosses their path, they will hunt it down until it is dead or plays dead or is unable to move. They do not seem to have any goal in doing this. They certainly would never eat any of the things they kill.

From a recent email from a friend:   “But the truth is that some work to become a better person actually negates self, casts doubt within. Accepting and loving who I truly am, flaws and all, helps me more than I could ever have imagined.   "Fishy--- Well, this is so timely .... as I am finding many flaws with myself lately ... primary: I am happy to be me : )"

Yes so where do you draw the fucking line between being at peace with yourself just the way you are and deliberately attempting to become a better person? Well, she's got me there… that's the million dollar question. Breath in. Breath out. 

Working on The Transcendent Manifesto.

Last Movie:  Bedazzled, with the amazing Elizabeth Hurley.