Biggest challenge for me through this side little battle with Cleopatra and Sneed/formerly Ferret, is talking myself into the understanding that although these were my friends at one point that they are not anymore and as much as I still care for them that they don't care for me, or at one level still may, but care for money more than for me. that not only are they intentionally taking actions that can and will harm me if they are successful, could devastate my and my family’s future, that they are admitting it and saying ‘look man I have to look out for myself...’ That line just still floors me. I could never imagine.

Well in any case, I don't have to imagine it because it is happening everyday right now. We are deadlocked in our own little Cuban missile crisis still but getting closer it appears to a resolution, though we may have to sue to get a real resolution that has any integrity or honesty attached to it. Cleopatra lies everytime she opens her mouth. She is deathly afraid of telling the truth but we cannot understand why, of what she is hiding.

I'll tell you one thing, I have reached out to a lot of friends and family through this, both for mental/emotional and financial support and I have been overwhelmed at the amount of support I have received. Spoke with a few people about the need for more cash to continue to pay the attorneys, (that's another story which after this is over I will take a break and then discuss the whole relationship between justice and attorneys we have set up right now on the planet = fucking nuts. He who has the most cash wins the case = gets justice. It has nothing to do with actual justice. Rarely at least. If you don't have money, you're not getting justice, because you can’t bring a case to court. Period. Even if the acts are criminal. That's just the way it is set up.)

anyway, when people call me, some of them, I let on to what I'm currently going through rather than just pretending that everything is cool and I can’t believe the level of support and offers to send money. Jazz calls from France, the little cutie, and offers to fly in. Suzie calls from Israel and offers amazing advice in just recounting to me what she herself is going through, exactly what I need to hear. She wants me to come to Germany and play with her. I tell her that I cannot right now, because of this tangled web. And she tells me that anything I need is mine, just ask.

Eunice called from Brasil to invite us to come play a few concerts there at the end of July – at some kind of giant fair or festival – strange. I told her I had to decline due to this case and the insanity that I am going through everyday and she offers to wire me a truckload of money tomorrow. You will need at least twenty thousand in the fist month she says in her slow wise hushed thick Portuguese accent. I will send it to you. but more importantly, she talks with me about my own responsibility. We have this deep profound I would say conversation about how important for me it is to get out of this what I did to create it in my life. that I need to acknowledge my own misconduct and my own transgressions. That I need to make amends and apologies, look deep within and find within me anything I have done that would bring this on so I can be completely clean. I relayed to her that last night in fact I had done that. woken up at 3am and wrote pages to Cleopatra. that I have spent hours in church just asking God/the force to reveal to me what is happening.

the ambassador isn't used to people not being the ambassador back to him, I tell God. God laughs. ‘well, you know son, God says, just because you are going around being the ambassador to everyone doesn’t mean they are going to be that way back to you. life doesn’t work that way. if this were the way life worked, dogs wouldn’t be abused and abandoned, children wouldn’t be killed and raped and shoved into garage cans in back alleys.... the truth is that there are people who are fucked up, insane, confused, psychotic, just out for themselves, and it is not beyond possibility that there are people in the world who are just going to fuck you over if they can for their own gain. You can tell yourself that if you are honest and spiritual and peaceful that you will always experience honesty and peace and goodness from the world, but you will be a dreamer and a fool and you will soon see that the world is not set up like that...’


Harry palmer warns in one of his speeches, ‘do not flow love to evil or people out of integrity who are trying to destroy you. you will only be giving them the wrong message. Stand your ground. evil is infectious. You can tell evil by its intentional destructive acts. Immediately create a way to contain them, stop them, quarantine them... when you feel that revulsion, sometimes you should listen to it. clean up your own transgressions as fast as you can, so as to reduce the effort needed to clean up the situation, but do not be fooled into thinking that they will also clean themselves up.’ So I continue to pray, God show me my own misgivings and transgressions. Show me what I need to clean up here. show me where I went wrong so I can feel a hundred percent in this. I write Cleopatra pages of thoughts and apologies. Ideas about where we went wrong. when did we first start coming from desperation and start to feel that it was o.k. to shift slightly out of integrity because we needed the money? when did we first start to blame the other for it? how did we go from full on support of one another to full on blame and deliberate harming each other?

when I first stepped down from being an honest man of integrity because she convinced me that we had no time for that, that we were desperate, that our situation was desperate.... that is when she lost respect for me and when I began to lose respect for myself. in the moment she may have been relieved that I was agreeing with her, playing along, but inside, this is when it began. How can you trust or respect a person who leads you astray, even if you ask them to... this is where I lost it. I had no idea until the last twenty four hours or so. had no idea that there was anything here for me to learn about my own transgressions. For three days I have struggled with this. trying to figure out what I am supposed to learn from this.

Miraculously we resolved more today than we have in six months. AND she hadn't even read the letter. That's magic. That's the magic of cleaning out your own consciousness/conscience. Good stuff.

But still, there is a lot of behind the scenes trickery still going on. and I have a choice now. allow it in order to resolve this and be done with it and get some money that is owed to me. partial justice. Or demand that the deal is finalized with one hundred percent honesty and integrity and it’s a nice fair even break for everyone. This could mean going to court. It could mean blowing the whole deal for everyone. This is true. this is our reality. The ball is in both of our courts. If she doesn’t come clean and play fair then I will backed into a corner where I will need to just force everyone's cards on the table in court. It will last for months, perhaps years. it will cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. But it will be complete justice. It will be getting real. My concern is not just losing the money here. my concern is learning the real lessons in order that I earn some major karma points and do not have to recreate this again months or years later in this Same lifetime by not doing the right thing now in this instance. Crazy stuff indeed.

I'll tell you, its fun to read about this stuff in autobiographies or see it play out on TV or in the movies. But try dealing with it in real life. I feel sick all day. headaches and nauseous. Sadness paranoia fear confusion. thank God I am learning these lessons now with such small dollar figures and with such tiny foes. These are good lessons for when we are playing with bigger dogs.

Last night I gave myself a speech in the mirror. Never had done that before. ala Robert Deniro. ‘look Fishy, you're a good guy. o.k.? just because someone is fucking you over don't take it personally. Stop dousing yourself in guilt and shame because of their words and actions and taking everything they say seriously. you know who you are. you came from a fucked up childhood where you lacked love and affection and you were always told how bad you are. and you took that into your adult life with you. to the point that you are now willing to sacrifice your pride and your integrity and justice and even money and everything you’ve worked so hard for just because you don't want anyone to dislike you. because you are operating from this subconscious fear of being disliked or called bad names. But hear me on this one bro. you're a good guy. flow love to people who are flowing it back to you Fishy. be friends with people who are being friends with you. you do not need the love and affection and admiration of everyone at the expense of your own welfare. Those days are over. You have overcome so much. I am proud of you. you have come out on the other end from a traumatic and abusive childhood to become someone who so many people love and adore and look up to. remember that. remember Oprah and what she went through as child and how she overcame all that? you can do that. you have done it already. you are growing into a really good person. an admirable person. believe it. honor it. cherish it. be proud of yourself. why do you not hear people when they speak good things to you but you are so quick to jump on and take seriously anytime someone tells you something bad or tries to make you feel bad? You are a light to many people Fishy. you do not need the love of everyone. If someone is constantly telling you bad things about yourself and telling you that you are no good and they deserve to mistreat you and abuse you and take advantage of you, stop it right there and walk away. they are not your friend. they are not thinking good for you. they will never love you. no matter how much you give they will never come around and start treating you nicely and fairly. You need to walk away, be strong, courageous, and stick up for yourself. I know that seems hard for you now, but you have to do it. in this lifetime. You do that and you reverse this pattern in your life for good. you cave in now out of fear of being disliked or just a desperate need for love and approval or money and you will repeat this again in your life. you know this. be strong Fishy. I believe in you man. you're a good person. and I love you.’ ‘well I would hope you do,’ I respond, ‘because you're me. and quite frankly you're freaking me out staring at yourself and talking to yourself like this.’ point taken. But it was a stellar moment in time. I got it.

I have to say that Princess Little Tree has been there for me in a way no person could ever be thankful enough for. calls, emails, text messages a few times throughout the day. words of support and encouragement. Can’t buy friends like that. That's just good karma. She's an angel.